kris-27 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 So on Friday I broke up with my boyfriend of a year. It was a very complicated and unhealthy relationship. But we both loved eachother more than weve loved anyone. In the begining of out relationship I discovered he was a compulsive liar. He had been abused as a child and thats what happened to him. He started going to intensive therapy to get better. He was very over the top....like I cant live with out you, I would kill myself if you left, and would cry and beg me to not leave him. So we had gone through pregnancy and miscarriage recently and we got into a fight on this past friday eve. I broke up with him and he didnt take it well and ended snapping and breaking stuff. The following day he told me i broke his heart and made something snap in him. he said he needed a day of space. Then came back next day and said I am too ****ed up to be in a relationship. well I was obviously devastated even tho i did the breaking up....I know our relationship isnt healthy but I am not ready to lose him. So I did the pathetic crying and begging to try again. He was soooo mean. Saying he wasnt in love w me anymore but would always love me. then he sent me a text saying that he wanted to know that I was physically ok but couldnt talk about relationship stuff right- please? All my friends are saying its all about power, he has the power that I am sad and crying. so I sent an email saying I agree with the break up and that i was sorry for everything that happened and I hope we can be friends in the future. So now the no contact begins. I guess my question is, If i wanted to get back together with him, whats the best way to do it?
Shakz Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 (edited) Why would you want to get back together with an angry, violent, lying control-freak? If you really care for him ask him to seek counseling for his problems associated with the alleged abuse, offer your support in this within reason, and meanwhile seek help for your own self-esteem issues and emotional difficulties you may be experiencing as a result of your miscarriage. Edited August 10, 2010 by Shakz
Author kris-27 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 Trust me i know all of this. I guess I am just really upset ....is it really possible he went from being that in love to not wanting to talk to me? Or do you think he just hurt?
Shakz Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Trust me i know all of this. I guess I am just really upset ....is it really possible he went from being that in love to not wanting to talk to me? Or do you think he just hurt? Sorry, I must have skipped over the part where you said he was already in therapy. What do you know of his diagnosis? He sounds as though he may be suffering from some form of bipolar disorder, making it concievable that he could have very wide emotional swings. I'm sure he's hurt and angry, but I really think, based on this little information, that he is projecting his anger on you, and that you are not to blame or responsible for his troubles. You are in a difficult situation emotionally. Anyone could tell you to just walk away but that is of little or no help in mending your own broken heart. This is why I suggest you talk to a professional, who can help you understand your feelings in depth.
Dying Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 i'm going through a similar situation. I was with a compulsive liar for 4 years, and he just dumped me a few days ago. there was no physical abuse or anything like that, but he was also very over the top, saying how he couldn't live without me, and now wants nothing to do with me. he's agreed to get some help, but in no way wants me to be a part of it. i hope everything works out for him, and that he can be happy, but i also wish that i could be in his life to see it. i'm still hoping that later down the line there may be a chance for us, but i don't know if it's possible for him to fall back in love with me.
Author kris-27 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 Yea it sucks. He did stop lying for a while. I would catch him a few lies here and there. But I asked flat out do you want me to never contact you again and he just said he wants to know I am ok but cant talk about relationship stuff right now ..please? So that when I told him fine, i agree with break up. So now i started NC. Do you think that works?
Dying Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 i honestly don't know, but i'm hoping. i'm only on day 3 of NC myself... and it's a bitch. i'm really hoping that he does come around, and i still want to support him in getting help. but i'm really hoping that if i can just stick to NC for awhile, and take some time to build myself back up, that he may come around.
Don Ho Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 RUN, do not walk, away from him and this relationship. It's not about power, it's that he has very deep emotional issues that you're not going to be able to "fix" or deal with in the long run. "So I did the pathetic crying and begging to try again. He was soooo mean. Saying he wasnt in love w me anymore but would always love me". GOOD! You should have left it at that. He needs to break up with you to feel OK about it and that doesn't let his crazy side out. "I am ok but cant talk about relationship stuff right now ..please? So that when I told him fine, i agree with break up. So now i started NC. Do you think that works?" Works for what? He is giving you the chance to get out. Take it. I understand you love him, but trust me at 45 years old, I know continuing a relationship of any type with him will just continue to break your heart. Yes, do NC and no response. Let him go. It will and does get easier. When your emotions clear, you will see that you were smart to let him go.
Author kris-27 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 Don...I understand and agree with everything you said. but I just dont see how he was so utterly in love w me to the point he said he couldnt live w out me and b/c he felt I hurt him and now all of a sudden he cant get better and be wtih me...doesnt make sense. Does he miss me like i miss him right now? Everyone keeps saying if I dont contact him, he will contact me bc he wont believe that I actually walked away....do you agree? I am just more trying to understand than anything.
Author kris-27 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 Don....also since you really seem to know what your talking about. When I sent my last contact email saying I agree we should be broken up and said sorry for anything i may have done and said i was giving him time to himself and hopefully we can be friends one day.....why didnt he respond?
Don Ho Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 (edited) Of course you're grappling with everything and trying to understand it. That's what we do. It's NORMAL. I don't think that the fact that he was "so in love with you" and now doesn't want to be with you, has much to do with YOU. Remember? I said he is an emotional mess. You are not Dr. Laura and you are not going to be able to fix him. He might miss you, but I wouldn't dwell on it too much. Actually, I would try to stay very busy and occupied because you will just drive yourself crazier thinking about all of it. He might contact you again. But my advice is the same. Stay away. Hard to say why he didn't respond and you should not have had the hope that he would respond. Regardless, this is really about YOU and YOU moving on. Honestly. You don't want to be his friend, you just want to use that as an excuse to hopefully work a "friendship" into more and get him back. Bad idea. Ok. If he's such a wonder guy and friend, the in TWO years when you are completely over it and you are dating someone else, THEN you can decide if you want to be friends with him. The idea of staying friends RARELY works and just prolongs the anguish for you. Now. I need to remind you: he's a troubled guy with lots of problems. You can't "save" him or fix him. Now ponder this: "Someday you will meet the RIGHT guy and when you do, you will wonder WHY you wasted so much time on the WRONG guy". Hang in there. Edited August 10, 2010 by Don Ho
Author kris-27 Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 Thanks Don! I know you are right. He cant be fixed or changed and it would only be a horrible cycle. I feel alittle better today. Its only been 1 1/2 days w no contact but i know deep down he misses me and have just decided that I have to one way or another move on. And Yes I look forward to the day when I can laugh about how hung up I was on him
mmk1 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 OP, the answer is...there is no answer. There is no sure-fire way to get your ex back or we'd all do it and be back with our exs. Really, you need to change your focus to yourself and improving yourself for your next relationship, whether its with your ex or someone else. NC is the key to allow you to focus on yourself. To heck with what your ex is doing! NC may work to get your ex back or not, but because it is not guaranteed, using it as a tool to get your ex back is foolish. Truth is, you cant make your ex come back, they have to want to. Using NC as a gimmick to get them back simply puts you on hold and causes more pain. NC is correct, but for you, not to get them back. NC may make them think about their choice and come back, but nothing is for sure. Therefore, focus on yourself and move on like their never coming back. You will be fine!
CaliGuy Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 So on Friday I broke up with my boyfriend of a year. It was a very complicated and unhealthy relationship. But we both loved eachother more than weve loved anyone. In the begining of out relationship I discovered he was a compulsive liar. He had been abused as a child and thats what happened to him. He started going to intensive therapy to get better. He was very over the top....like I cant live with out you, I would kill myself if you left, and would cry and beg me to not leave him. So we had gone through pregnancy and miscarriage recently and we got into a fight on this past friday eve. I broke up with him and he didnt take it well and ended snapping and breaking stuff. The following day he told me i broke his heart and made something snap in him. he said he needed a day of space. Then came back next day and said I am too ****ed up to be in a relationship. well I was obviously devastated even tho i did the breaking up....I know our relationship isnt healthy but I am not ready to lose him. So I did the pathetic crying and begging to try again. He was soooo mean. Saying he wasnt in love w me anymore but would always love me. then he sent me a text saying that he wanted to know that I was physically ok but couldnt talk about relationship stuff right- please? All my friends are saying its all about power, he has the power that I am sad and crying. so I sent an email saying I agree with the break up and that i was sorry for everything that happened and I hope we can be friends in the future. So now the no contact begins. I guess my question is, If i wanted to get back together with him, whats the best way to do it? I'm scratching my head trying to figure out why you want to get back together with someone whom you have said "It's an unhealthy relationship"?? It's like a heroin user. "I don't need the drug" but you keep taking it. More and more of it and eventually (Like Layne Staley) you end up pushing up flowers, 6 feet under. My question for you is simply this: "Don't you love and respect yourself enough to know when it's time to move on to bigger, better things?" "The quickest way to crash is to stare in the rear view mirror while your trying to move forward...." - Me.
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