Considering a Semi Arranged Marriage After a breakup

[harkkam]

I went through a rough breakup and I am taking pills to deal with the pain. I was with her for a year and I loved her very much. I am 24 years old and she was 20.

 

I am the type of guy that wants to settle with one woman and I dont feel the need to sow the oats and be wild. That phase for me has passed.

 

However me and her didnt get along because of my immaturity and I can be strong and admit that the failing of the relationship was MORE MY fault than hers. My mistakes caused more damage, I could feel them doing damage to her and me than what she brought to the table.

 

However nonetheless, I loved her from the bottom of my heart and tried my best to show her how. I put effort into making her happy for her birthday, I always planned dates together, I am a very affectionate guy so Id grab her arm or leg randomly and bite it or kiss it and playfully tackle her and tickle her. I took care of her physically meaning if she was cold or hot or hungry I would do anything to make sure she was happy. I know I loved her from the bottom of my dear heart, meaning I loved her the BEST way that I knew how.

 

However just because i loved her the BEST way I knew how doesnt mean it was the right way and that at times it didnt hurt her. However it hurt her too much to the point that she choose that being without me and not sticking by my side and helping me work on my issues was easier for her.

 

I thought that the strength and passion with which I loved her and cared for her would at least give her the strength to stick by myside while I worked through my issues.

 

THe problem is that she had given me many chances and we had broken up a few times up to the day we finally broke up and I guess that she just grew tired of giving me more chances and believed that she couldn't do it anymore.

 

I really begged and pleaded that I didnt realize how hurtful I was being toward her and that I wanted to change but it all fell on deaf ears. I begged and pleaded that I really finally got her and I was sorry for not taking it up sooner.

 

But her answer was no, she was swift, cruel and cut me out like a new york minute.

 

This got me thinking that the divorce rate in america is 50%, I am american but my parents are Indian.

 

With a 50% divorce rate something is happening to this country, something is going on with its people, its too damn high.

 

This breakup made me realize that we tend to give up on things very quickly or rather I grew up in an indian household with two parents. I realize however that american culture is making having solid mariages a statistical impossibility.

 

People are selfish, self centered, and their values have been compromised to the point where every person is expendable. I believe that divorce should be reserved for things like cheating, abuse, long term emotional neglect etc...

 

Not like "I got bored" if you did then fix it idiot.

 

Indian culture and eastern culture emphasizes family unity and marriage values very differently from american values.

 

Before the idea of having a semi-arranged marriage was ludicrous, because I wanted to find that woman on my own and fall in love etc.

 

The idea of a semi-arranged marriage is that the family or friends introduce you to a few people, you date them for 6-7 months and see if an attraction builds and if it doesnt then you can say goodbye but if it does you can get engaged. So there is room for you to fall in love as well.

 

I like this idea alot more now. I feel like I should spend a few years improving myself and working on my issues that caused my previous relationships to fail, and to become a better person and then eventually get a semi-arranged marriage with a person I love and who has stronger values of family than women that I am going to find who are raised without an eastern culture.

 

So if I did get married to a woman that I loved that was semi-arranged or grew up in eastern culture, not only would our families and their involvement make divorce a less attractive option meaning we would be more motivated to work out our issues but the values of eastern culture also support more family unity than western independent "all about me" attitude that I see and even feel in myself that got me into trouble in my past relationships

 

I used to bad-mouth eastern culture thinking they were so backward and we got it right, we were FREE people who could do whatever we want.

 

You know I notice that so many kids come from broken homes. Its really sad to see whats happening to our country when kids are suffering emotionally for parents who cheat or make mistakes.

 

I think that america needs more morals or values or something to restore the value of marriage because at this rate its becoming crazy.

 

I've dated three woman and I realized that perhaps what I was fighting my whole life as in putting down eastern culture will actually protect me from the fat chance of having my life destroyed by my wife cheating on me or leaving me without wanting to work it out.

 

What do people think?

Edited August 10, 2010 by harkkam

[InceptorsRule]

Dude, if your parents can find you a really sexy traditional Indian girl from the "old country" who's a virgin but is a good girl and has been raised the right way, traditionally, to only please her man, then you should kiss their feet.

 

But as long as you are going this route do your self a favor and insist upon a girl that you find extremely attractive in a physical/sexual way, because after all, this is going to be a lifetime plan, right?

 

During the dating phase, carefully check the girl out for compatibility and also how she relates to her family. Does she have a healthy loving relationship with both father and mother? Does she get along pretty well with siblings? If the family is dysfunctional then you want to avoid marrying the girl.

 

Now in exchange for her treating you like a king, you have to honor your traditional Indian woman, don't beat her, don't cheat on her, make a good income, support her in style, give her lots of sexual pleasure. When she starts getting pregnant with babies (which she will want if she is traditional) be supportive and helpful.

 

 

 

I think if you have access to a semi arranged marriage and you are not hung up about it then go for it.

 

The vast majority of American girls don't buy into the whole notion of such traditions, Westerners too, but a lot of them are crazy. You're probably going to be deluged by people telling you what a sexist idea an arranged marriage is. Ignore them. Do what makes you happy, if following a cultural tradition is available to you and is a path to happiness, follow it.

 

I wish you luck in your parents helping you find that traditional, extremely sexy, 16 year old Indian virgin for you to marry. In fact please pass the curry, I'm ready for an Indian wife myself.

[piscis]

So if this arrange thing doesn't work out you have your parents or fiends to blame?

sorry to say it likethat but they can arrange lots of things but maybe it does not work either.

my advice for you will be to go to therapy and arrange yourself, discover your needs, your expectations, why you give that much in a R.

 

I mean there is no guarantee.

And about divorce if you just do not try to fix things it is an easy way out yes, but if you have tried or if you can comprehend that there are things you cannot fix (no one can fix another person if they do not want to change theirselves) divorce is IMPO completly fine and healthy.

 

Good luck

Edited August 10, 2010 by piscis

[U2RockZz]

every culture has it's pros and cons.......you can't really blame a culture for your R failures.....i don't think culture or place or race would make any difference to scre*ed up people....FYI i am an Indian in every way

 

 

take my case:my EX-fiance really deserves an Oscar for her performance through out our courtship.........in fact she was pregnant when she said yes to our engagement...........hell her parents didn't even know that she had a BF until i broke the news to them..... i went with her looks and education.....she f*#$%ed me real good that i ended up hating the entire female population

 

i wasted my 5 months of time and money on a cheater since my Indian culture reluctant to encourage love Ms.....

 

moreover your 50% divorce rate is nearly equivalent to 5% divorce here in numbers

 

i had been to 7 countries on my job so far...if you wanted to marry a girl who won't cheat on you......then get a girl from KSA ....

 

 

but you are just fu*$%#*g 24, what is so hurry bro.....

[LSNoob]

 

moreover your 50% divorce rate is nearly equivalent to 5% divorce here in numbers

 

Nope, you are confusing percentage with real figures.

 

What this gentleman was trying to say is, if India were living the American way, then India will have a divorce rate of 50% as well and vice versa.

[denise_xo]

I went through a rough breakup and I am taking pills to deal with the pain. I was with her for a year and I loved her very much. I am 24 years old and she was 20.

 

I am the type of guy that wants to settle with one woman and I dont feel the need to sow the oats and be wild. That phase for me has passed.

 

However me and her didnt get along because of my immaturity and I can be strong and admit that the failing of the relationship was MORE MY fault than hers. My mistakes caused more damage, I could feel them doing damage to her and me than what she brought to the table.

 

However nonetheless, I loved her from the bottom of my heart and tried my best to show her how. I put effort into making her happy for her birthday, I always planned dates together, I am a very affectionate guy so Id grab her arm or leg randomly and bite it or kiss it and playfully tackle her and tickle her. I took care of her physically meaning if she was cold or hot or hungry I would do anything to make sure she was happy. I know I loved her from the bottom of my dear heart, meaning I loved her the BEST way that I knew how.

 

However just because i loved her the BEST way I knew how doesnt mean it was the right way and that at times it didnt hurt her. However it hurt her too much to the point that she choose that being without me and not sticking by my side and helping me work on my issues was easier for her.

 

I thought that the strength and passion with which I loved her and cared for her would at least give her the strength to stick by myside while I worked through my issues.

 

THe problem is that she had given me many chances and we had broken up a few times up to the day we finally broke up and I guess that she just grew tired of giving me more chances and believed that she couldn't do it anymore.

 

I really begged and pleaded that I didnt realize how hurtful I was being toward her and that I wanted to change but it all fell on deaf ears. I begged and pleaded that I really finally got her and I was sorry for not taking it up sooner.

 

But her answer was no, she was swift, cruel and cut me out like a new york minute.

 

This got me thinking that the divorce rate in america is 50%, I am american but my parents are Indian.

 

With a 50% divorce rate something is happening to this country, something is going on with its people, its too damn high.

 

This breakup made me realize that we tend to give up on things very quickly or rather I grew up in an indian household with two parents. I realize however that american culture is making having solid mariages a statistical impossibility.

 

People are selfish, self centered, and their values have been compromised to the point where every person is expendable. I believe that divorce should be reserved for things like cheating, abuse, long term emotional neglect etc...

 

Not like "I got bored" if you did then fix it idiot.

 

Indian culture and eastern culture emphasizes family unity and marriage values very differently from american values.

 

Before the idea of having a semi-arranged marriage was ludicrous, because I wanted to find that woman on my own and fall in love etc.

 

The idea of a semi-arranged marriage is that the family or friends introduce you to a few people, you date them for 6-7 months and see if an attraction builds and if it doesnt then you can say goodbye but if it does you can get engaged. So there is room for you to fall in love as well.

 

I like this idea alot more now. I feel like I should spend a few years improving myself and working on my issues that caused my previous relationships to fail, and to become a better person and then eventually get a semi-arranged marriage with a person I love and who has stronger values of family than women that I am going to find who are raised without an eastern culture.

 

So if I did get married to a woman that I loved that was semi-arranged or grew up in eastern culture, not only would our families and their involvement make divorce a less attractive option meaning we would be more motivated to work out our issues but the values of eastern culture also support more family unity than western independent "all about me" attitude that I see and even feel in myself that got me into trouble in my past relationships

 

I used to bad-mouth eastern culture thinking they were so backward and we got it right, we were FREE people who could do whatever we want.

 

You know I notice that so many kids come from broken homes. Its really sad to see whats happening to our country when kids are suffering emotionally for parents who cheat or make mistakes.

 

I think that america needs more morals or values or something to restore the value of marriage because at this rate its becoming crazy.

 

I've dated three woman and I realized that perhaps what I was fighting my whole life as in putting down eastern culture will actually protect me from the fat chance of having my life destroyed by my wife cheating on me or leaving me without wanting to work it out.

 

What do people think?

 

I've married into a culture where arranged marriages are very common (although my own wasn't), and I think there are a lot of advantages with marriages that are semi-arranged, from the point of view that families provide a lot of support in helping you meet someone and assess that person/ their family against how they know you and what your priorities are. I have also found that in my husband's culture, a lot of potential relationship issues are addressed much more squarely up front (e.g. in terms of where one should live, how many children, how children should be raised, the role of religion, long term priorities and goals, etc etc), where I come from people often take a much more laissez-faire attitude and kind of goes along with something to see if it works out. I do think it's important though that the potential spouses get adequate time to date beforehand and to spend time together on their own, to ensure that a basic level of compatibility is there (doesn't always happen where my H is from).

 

At the end of the day, it's about what your priorities are, what you want to base your relationship on and what frame you want to put it within, and whether an up front feeling of 'love and attraction' is important to you or not. I think you should think long and hard about that, also partially outside of the cultural frames. It's easy to become reluctant towards one culture or the other, and then make decisions based on that, or base decisions on just one bad experience - neither of those are good enough in themselves for justifying such decisions, IMO.

[You Go Girl]

Frankly, I think you did some things that your gf found rightfully unacceptable, and now you are looking for the easy way out of having to have an equal, open, and honest partnership that must fight for its own worth, not be branded as worthy by a culture.

So let's hear what you did wrong. You have told us the things you did right. Why have you withheld the things that made her run?

You will have the exact same issues in your next relationship, arranged or not, if you do not address the problems and correct them as needed.

 

Are you trying to avoid having these issues come out into the open, or having your future wife know of these problems before she is married and it is too late?

Are you trying to avoid having someone really know who you are before marriage?

Edited August 14, 2010 by You Go Girl

[U2RockZz]

Nope, you are confusing percentage with real figures.

 

What this gentleman was trying to say is, if India were living the American way, then India will have a divorce rate of 50% as well and vice versa.

 

 

are you on pot, which part you didn't get.....we are more than a billion people here.....when it's compared with US's 300 mill population.....

[denise_xo]

Western style "love" marriages fail 50% of the time. Eastern style arranged marriages fail 3% of the time. I think there is something to ancient wisdom and customs. Do you trust your parents (dads) taste in wome? If yes, go for it. Yes, we in the west could use a lot more taditional morals and ethics. Go for it!

 

Well, it depends a bit on how you define failure - I know tons of people in arranged marriages who are really miserable, but they don't divorce due to social stigma and financial implications.

[aerogurl87]

I say go for it! If I knew my parents wouldn't try and hook me up with an over zealous "Christian" man who was extremely self righteous I'd let them choose guys for me to date as my dad's people picker is near perfect and my mom has a good idea of what I love in a guy.

[nddb]

Thousands (if not more people) use eharmony or similar dating sites and their matching algorithms to get suggestions of mates.

 

It's arranged marriage by software. The software makes the potential dates available, and two people take it from there to find if there is compatibility.

 

If your parents, the people who know you since you were born, want to play that role--why not?

 

What's so magic about some software written by some geek programmers making that determination of who you should meet and explore further versus your parents?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why would you, go get married to a total stranger after just breaking up with your ex???

 

Wtf??? why do it to yourself. U shouldn't just be sowing your oats, but damn enjoy your youth!!!

 

because the older you get, you start regretting the things you missed out on. I'm turning 30 and doing the things i should have did in my 20's. Trying to catch up on life experience before i settle down. KWIM?