BookerT Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 (edited) I've seen a lot of people cheat post here asking for advice and trying to deal with their guilt, or to clear their heads because they complain they're all messed up. Now I always see a pattern, theres a few things I see. 1) A lot of people push the blame, saying the situation was out of their control. 2) A lot of people are messed in the head after cheating because they feel so much guilt. To explain why you feel this, you got to understand cognitive dissonance. Here's a detailed explaination: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance Basically most people think they are good people, or most people want to feel like they're a good person. So they have a self concept "I am a good person". Then they go do a bad thing like cheat, which means they've done something bad and not a good person. The conflict between their desire to be a good person, and the bad thing they've done, causes huge cognitive dissonance. It's why I have to read retarded shxt here, where people cheat and then complain it's not their fault or not in their control. BS. Everytime you cheat, you had the choice not to. It was within your own control. If you ever want to learn from the experience and change you need to take full responsibility for it. Admit that you're not a nice person and did a bad thing. That way the next time you get in a relationship you'll more fully accept the responsibility of cheating rather than dishing the blame to "it wasn't my fault........." Cheating is way more simple than people make it out to be, all your feelings and the situation doesn't change a damn thing with regards to........... personal responsibility. Edited August 10, 2010 by BookerT
Dexter Morgan Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 thats why too many cheaters try downplay their actions by calling cheating a "mistake". no mistake,.......... just stupid, lousy character based decisions. well said. you have hit the nail on the head with regards to a majority of cheaters on this site.
hopesndreams Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I've seen a lot of people cheat post here asking for advice and trying to deal with their guilt, or to clear their heads because they complain they're all messed up. Now I always see a pattern, theres a few things I see. 1) A lot of people push the blame, saying the situation was out of their control. 2) A lot of people are messed in the head after cheating because they feel so much guilt. To explain why you feel this, you got to understand cognitive dissonance. Here's a detailed explaination: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance Basically most people think they are good people, or most people want to feel like they're a good person. So they have a self concept "I am a good person". Then they go do a bad thing like cheat, which means they've done something bad and not a good person. The conflict between their desire to be a good person, and the bad thing they've done, causes huge cognitive dissonance. It's why I have to read retarded shxt here, where people cheat and then complain it's not their fault or not in their control. BS. Everytime you cheat, you had the choice not to. It was within your own control. If you ever want to learn from the experience and change you need to take full responsibility for it. Admit that you're not a nice person and did a bad thing. That way the next time you get in a relationship you'll more fully accept the responsibility of cheating rather than dishing the blame to "it wasn't my fault........." Cheating is way more simple than people make it out to be, all your feelings and the situation doesn't change a damn thing with regards to........... personal responsibility. Great post! I'm not a cheater and never will be a cheater and read this anyway. Cheaters are only out for themselves. It doesn't matter who they hurt as long as they come out on top. Sure, they think they are good people. Who wants to think that they are dishonest and untrustworthy? No one. They will spin whatever tale possible so they come out squeaky clean.
karnak Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Some people steal or break the law so that they can buy food (or medicine) for themselves or their family. But most criminals steal or make frauds so that they can buy luxuries for themselves. Some people cheat because they are very unstable psychologically and they need an urgent emotional support. But most cheaters just cheat so that they can indulge in their pleasures without having to discard their "official" life.
LSNoob Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 (edited) Some people steal or break the law so that they can buy food (or medicine) for themselves or their family. But most criminals steal or make frauds so that they can buy luxuries for themselves. Some people cheat because they are very unstable psychologically and they need an urgent emotional support. But most cheaters just cheat so that they can indulge in their pleasures without having to discard their "official" life. That's true. The stealing for food and the cheating, I like that. That's why if there was abuse/pain/emotional neglect for the cheater prior to cheating, I tend to find it hard to fully blame and bash the cheater. Instead I look at it as a lesson learned to both parties. They both done damage. But I got one thing... Some people cheat because they are very unstable psychologically and they need an urgent emotional support. But most cheaters just cheat so that they can indulge in their pleasures without having to discard their "official" life.I thought this was opposite, I thought most people cheat because of the need of emotional support and only some people cheat for the pleasure. Because I was reading this article here, and it said this along the lines "Well, statistics show that 15-20% of cheaters repeat their cheating acts, which means that most cheaters learn from their mistakes and are genuinely faithful people who just made a mistake and will not do it again." Again this is just statistics, so I'm not so sure about this one. Edited August 11, 2010 by LSNoob
cookie2 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 "Well, statistics show that 15-20% of cheaters repeat their cheating acts, which means that most cheaters learn from their mistakes and are genuinely faithful people who just made a mistake and will not do it again." Actually, it means that 80-85% of cheaters don't get caught cheating again. Whether they really didn't cheat again, or just got better at hiding it, who's to know!
LSNoob Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Actually, it means that 80-85% of cheaters don't get caught cheating again. Whether they really didn't cheat again, or just got better at hiding it, who's to know! Yep, you have a good point there.
cookie2 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Also 87.4% of statistics are made up on the spot.
karnak Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 This kind of statistics are really a fraud. In the beggining of this year it was announced that researchers had reached the conclusion that women usually lied even when answering anonymous enquiries. Men have no problems talking about their sex lives. Women, not so much (as they have a great concern about beeing seen as "sluts" or "perverts" - even on anonymous surveys). So, many of the ideas we had concerning sexual practices need to be revised as the data is "corrupted". Besides, if we look at most cheating post in LoveShack we can see that cheaters usually repeat their behaviour. Sometimes years later in their lives. Maybe it's like tobbaco and drugs addiction. You think you're "clean" for some years and then...PUF
New_Life08 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I agree, and I feel the same goes for any other type of deception when the result is damaged trust. I don't think it means they are not a nice person. Many nice people cheat...perhaps their real problem is that they are too nice? LOL. It is a major character flaw when a relationship becomes stressful that the only outlet they choose is through their genitalia. Personally, whenever my relationships (past and present) were stressed, the last thing I wanted is another male to deal with...lol.
aerogurl87 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Well I cheated once and yes I did feel horrible and still do feel horrible for it, but the boundaries of the relationship were very blurry at that time because of my ex's actions. So you have to take into account situations like that, not all cheaters are the same. My ex told me he wanted to be with me and only me, but was cybering with tons of girls on the net and still talking to his ex girlfriend and planning to go visit her in the middle of the night while lying to me. As far as I was concerned we were in an open relationship with a don't ask, don't tell policy. But I guess the double standard was he could do whatever while I had to stay "faithful and true".
LSNoob Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Well I cheated once and yes I did feel horrible and still do feel horrible for it, but the boundaries of the relationship were very blurry at that time because of my ex's actions. So you have to take into account situations like that, not all cheaters are the same. My ex told me he wanted to be with me and only me, but was cybering with tons of girls on the net and still talking to his ex girlfriend and planning to go visit her in the middle of the night while lying to me. As far as I was concerned we were in an open relationship with a don't ask, don't tell policy. But I guess the double standard was he could do whatever while I had to stay "faithful and true". Yep I read parts of your story on this website. I kinda look at your cheating as it was a miracle for you to escape from that horrible relationship. When there is abuse in the relationship then followed by infidelity, I tend to prioritize the abuse over the infidelity. As long as it's a lesson learned for the cheater to not repeat the act. Also 87.4% of statistics are made up on the spot. So you guys saying that most cheaters cheat for the pleasure? And most of them will cheat again?
hopesndreams Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Yep I read parts of your story on this website. I kinda look at your cheating as it was a miracle for you to escape from that horrible relationship. When there is abuse in the relationship then followed by infidelity, I tend to prioritize the abuse over the infidelity. As long as it's a lesson learned for the cheater to not repeat the act. So you guys saying that most cheaters cheat for the pleasure? And most of them will cheat again? Have you ever been cheated on noob? Have you ever been abused? If so, in your opinion, which is worse? Cheating is emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse however you slice or dice it. Is one form of abuse easier to take than another? NO. They are equally gut wrenching. When someone physically abuses another, how do they learn a lesson to never do it again? When someone emotionally abuses another, how do they learn a lesson to never do it again? Is your story on here noob? Or, do you just have opinions based on what if's? When there is abuse in the relationship then followed by infidelity, I tend to prioritize the abuse over the infidelity. How did you come about forming this opinion?
aerogurl87 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Have you ever been cheated on noob? Have you ever been abused? If so, in your opinion, which is worse? Cheating is emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse however you slice or dice it. Is one form of abuse easier to take than another? NO. They are equally gut wrenching. When someone physically abuses another, how do they learn a lesson to never do it again? When someone emotionally abuses another, how do they learn a lesson to never do it again? Is your story on here noob? Or, do you just have opinions based on what if's? When there is abuse in the relationship then followed by infidelity, I tend to prioritize the abuse over the infidelity. How did you come about forming this opinion? Well from my situation I was emotionally abused for 5 months while my boyfriend cheated on me emotionally throughout our whole relationship (and possibly physically despite his denials that he did anything with anyone else when we were together ). So which would you think is worse? Me supposedly cheating physically although his actions clearly showed he didn't love me like he claimed he did and obviously our relationship wasn't too exclusive when he was trying to date every girl who'd throw him a bone. Or him cheating on me emotionally and abusing me verbally every chance he got? Being with someone who abuses you daily verbally, threatens physical violence, even after you try to leave them for both of your sakes, is much worse than being cheated on ONCE and then having your partner at least have the balls to say admit what they did and then have the decency to accept you leaving them and telling them the truth when asked for it. Now I'm not saying what I did was right as it's the one mistake I regret down to this day, but at least I learned from my mistakes, did he? I doubt it.
hopesndreams Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I don't know the in's and out's of your story personally aero but from just the paragraph you wrote, don't look to me for validation.
LSNoob Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 (edited) Nope, never cheated on anyone nor been cheated on. And no abuse at all. Maybe that's why I have different view on this topic, because I'm looking on it as an outsider, never been involved in any cheating/abuse. Sorry if I got you confused there, but I try to explain it in an example; Lets say A and B are in a relationship. Then years down the road B cheats on A because of A's abuse and neglect. Now what I have been taught all those years of studying engineering is how to solve problems. And the best way to solve a problem is to get to the root of the problem. So in this case; The reason for B's cheating ---> bad relationship The reason for the bad relationship ---> A's abuse ( this is the root of the problem ). The root of the problem is what needs to be prioritize and dealt with in order to prevent all of the unnecessary c**p in the future. It's the first thing that should be tackled in any problem in life. Weather, its a mathematics problem, relationship problem, work problem, house problem, etc etc. So if we look at aerogurl87's case, do you think she would've cheated if her ex was loving, caring, loyal, doesn't leave her mid of night to visit his ex and all that etc.. Honestly tell me what do you think? Is one form of abuse easier to take than another? NO. They are equally gut wrenching. Yes you are CORRECT, they are both form of abuse, and they are both WRONG. But wait a second... Equally? What do you mean by equally? I can't see it as "equal", because A's abuse started first, A's abuse was the reason to start B's abuse. We all know that for every action there's a reaction right? B's action was reaction to A's initial action. So how is it equal?? If A didn't start his/her abuse no body knows what would've happened down the road. Of course I'm not trying to say people should cheat when relationships are bad. That will do nothing good and just ends up giving a bad reputation for the person that ends up cheating and add more drama and trouble for the horrible relationship. But as long as the cheater learns his/her lesson. Then makes sure that he/she knows how to deal with bad relationships in the future and knows how to exit them in the right way, then I say all is good. So this is how I see it; A was wrong, and B was wrong too. Now let that be lesson for both parties. A should learn to never abuse his/her future-B in order to prevent the relationship from turning into a bad one. And B should learn how to deal with messy situations like an adult in the future. Edited August 13, 2010 by LSNoob
hopesndreams Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Nope, never cheated on anyone nor been cheated on. And no abuse at all. Maybe that's why I have different view on this topic, because I'm looking on it as an outsider, never been involved in any cheating/abuse. That's all I needed to know. The rest of it, made me laugh. It really did.
hopesndreams Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Nope, never cheated on anyone nor been cheated on. And no abuse at all. Maybe that's why I have different view on this topic, because I'm looking on it as an outsider, never been involved in any cheating/abuse. I figured so.
aerogurl87 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I don't know the in's and out's of your story personally aero but from just the paragraph you wrote, don't look to me for validation. I don't need your validation or anyone else's I know what I did was wrong and I hurt someone I loved by my actions and that's something I'll have to deal with the rest of my life. My point though is, everything isn't always black and white, cut and dry. But it's easy to say "oh I would've done this or that" when you're not in the same situation.
aerogurl87 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Nope, never cheated on anyone nor been cheated on. And no abuse at all. Maybe that's why I have different view on this topic, because I'm looking on it as an outsider, never been involved in any cheating/abuse. Sorry if I got you confused there, but I try to explain it in an example; Lets say A and B are in a relationship. Then years down the road B cheats on A because of A's abuse and neglect. Now what I have been taught all those years of studying engineering is how to solve problems. And the best way to solve a problem is to get to the root of the problem. So in this case; The reason for B's cheating ---> bad relationship The reason for the bad relationship ---> A's abuse ( this is the root of the problem ). The root of the problem is what needs to be prioritize and dealt with in order to prevent all of the unnecessary c**p in the future. It's the first thing that should be tackled in any problem in life. Weather, its a mathematics problem, relationship problem, work problem, house problem, etc etc. So if we look at aerogurl87's case, do you think she would've cheated if her ex was loving, caring, loyal, doesn't leave her mid of night to visit his ex and all that etc.. Honestly tell me what do you think? Yes you are CORRECT, they are both form of abuse, and they are both WRONG. But wait a second... Equally? What do you mean by equally? I can't see it as "equal", because A's abuse started first, A's abuse was the reason to start B's abuse. We all know that for every action there's a reaction right? B's action was reaction to A's initial action. So how is it equal?? If A didn't start his/her abuse no body knows what would've happened down the road. Of course I'm not trying to say people should cheat when relationships are bad. That will do nothing good and just ends up giving a bad reputation for the person that ends up cheating and add more drama and trouble for the horrible relationship. But as long as the cheater learns his/her lesson. Then makes sure that he/she knows how to deal with bad relationships in the future and knows how to exit them in the right way, then I say all is good. So this is how I see it; A was wrong, and B was wrong too. Now let that be lesson for both parties. A should learn to never abuse his/her future-B in order to prevent the relationship from turning into a bad one. And B should learn how to deal with messy situations like an adult in the future. Yep that pretty much explains the entire situation as it was. Although let's add being drained mentally and emotionally by the abuser to the mix and from day one knowing you weren't the first priority in the other person's life and you basically knew from day one that they weren't going to be faithful to you whatsoever. The way I saw it, we were in an open relationship, I mean I didn't have a problem with him dating other girls at the time. I just had a problem with it when it became a double standard of him being able to do whatever he wanted and me having to be the faithful girlfriend/therapist. And it didn't even end with that incident, oh no, because he had the audacity to tell me before we broke up he was going to (didn't ask mind you) date other girls while we were together whether I liked it or not. And on top of that I was told after he left me for his newfound "love", told me to go to hell, and said if he saw me again he'd shoot me at first sight, that he wanted me to wait for him while he figured out his life and dated other people. As for me, nope I couldn't date anyone else while we were broken up because he didn't want me to be with anyone else. Oh yeah, he was a selfish bastard, so like I said it's not always black and white.
LSNoob Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Nope, never cheated on anyone nor been cheated on. And no abuse at all. Maybe that's why I have different view on this topic, because I'm looking on it as an outsider, never been involved in any cheating/abuse. I figured so. Have you been cheated on before? If you have been cheated on before in the past, then yes you do have a slight advantage with experience/knowledge in those type of situations. But at the same time you have a slight disadvantage and that's the extra baggage you carry with you. Inside the baggage is, of course, bitterness. You seem to judge all scenarios with your bitterness from your past, you seem incapable of looking at each one of them as a different situation. You always tend to give biased opinions and advice. That's why when two football teams playing, from different countries like for example USA vs Mexico, the referee tend to be from another country like from Finland or Senegal or whatever. It's always good to have the judge/ref look at the picture from a 3rd person perspective, to eliminate any biased opinions. Now my question is, if you have been cheated on before hopesndreams, did you abuse your WS prior to his/her cheating? Because from your posts I see you always ignoring the abuse part in the story and just focus on the cheating. Makes me wonder, why?
hopesndreams Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 It's all in my threads. No stone left unturned.
aerogurl87 Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 It's all in my threads. No stone left unturned. I read a few of your old threads and it seems your husband cheated on you with another woman, so first off I hope you're healing from that. Secondly, that explains your attitude because you're past experience with cheating and how it affected your life has also affected your viewpoint on the subject. Same as with others on this board which makes it all the more interesting.
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