sorglos Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 First post here. Been lurking for the last couple of days. Didnt really come up with anything that fit my situation. Figure I would keep record, for myself and maybe it would help somebody else. My ex isnt crazy, manipulative, or a cheater. She isnt without fault, but I am the majority of the reason we split. Dated for 16 months, got set up on a blind date. It was great, easy to be around, talk to, let me do whatever I wanted, etc. Couldnt of asked for a better girl. Shes divorced, I have never been married. I never wanted to be married till this girl. I have a lot of great one liners about marriage and its faults.(more on this later) I was out of town for about 5 weeks for work. Talked on the phone, saw her 2 days out of that time. Got back into town, hung out. We end up fighting over nothing. I did a poor job of communicating what I was trying to say. I was a little jetlagged, cranky since I was going to work the next day. She leaves, said she needed to sleep in her bed. Exchanged a few texts the next day, all is ok. 7/28-Wednesday play phone tag, on my way home from the golf course she calls. Shes done, not in love, bringing the key back the next day. I am astounded, dont fight, let her talk and agree its over. 7/29-A couple of emails, initiated by me(yes I know the nc rule and I broke it) I tell her I want to stop by her house. So I show up, speak my mind and she says very little. By speaking my mind I mean telling her I was dating her to marry her, not just to hang out. We cry, I leave and that is that. 7/30 and 7/31 I am in a friends wedding and fairly busy over Friday and Saturday. We go out, I am nervous I am going to run into her/want to run into her. 8/1-Hungover as all get out from wedding festivities the night before. I figure I will drop her stuff off since she will be at the lake. Also figure I will write a letter to explain my position and thoughts since I did a poor job the thursday I stopped by her house. I explain it all-I love her, miss her, agree things are wrong(though at this point I dont really know what-just that she is mad) and the ever popular we should work on this. Get a text message that night that its too late to hash this out, she will call tomorrow. 8/2-Nervous/wanting/etc all day. Can't concentrate, can't wait to talk to her to get this right. About 3 pm it dawns on me the conversation may not go how I want. So I talk to her about 5 pm. The first hour is discussing the relationship-tears on both sides. She doesnt want to date me now. Then 3 hours of random bsing like we used to do. Emotionally worn out by the time we get off the phone. ** What I learned from this conversation---Pay attention here its important ** -I never told her I loved her-she had no idea how I felt about her. Shes right-I always scoffed at marriage, settling down, etc. -She had those feelings for me at one point-but my actions, lack of communication on important issues has pretty much squashed them. -She was mad at the fight as her ex husband used to act that way also This I cant control-I cant be judged on his actions. 8/9-Seven days of no contact. It sucks. But she's not feeling what I have to say right now. Possibly not ever again. This is not my first breakup, though the first I was in this deep on. I never knew it was coming. Before I always had an inkling something was wrong. After a week of introspection, getting my golf game back, etc. I can eat, sleep, concentrate. I do still think about her all the time. The tough part for me on this one is shes right. We never did have the discussions we should have. And if I was in her shoes, I would have left long before she did. I knew from the get go where I stood with her. If you guys want more information let me know. Hope thats not all a rambling mess. I will get through this, I will meet somebody else, and I wont make the same mistakes. Sucks it had to come to this before I realized it.
GrayClouds Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I am sorry for your lost but do not be too hard on yourself. While it is important that you do see your mistakes and take effort to make sure you do not repeat them, their is equal blame to got around What I learned from this conversation---Pay attention here its important ** -I never told her I loved her-she had no idea how I felt about her. Shes right-I always scoffed at marriage, settling down, etc. -She had those feelings for me at one point-but my actions, lack of communication on important issues has pretty much squashed them. -She was mad at the fight as her ex husband used to act that way also This I cant control-I cant be judged on his actions.It was not the fight that was the break-up it just gave her an excuse, an easier out for her. She been disconnecting for a long time. Sorry to say, do not be surprised when someone new show up fairly quickly in her life. While she is right you did not communicate like you should, she too is at fault. Unless she sat you down and told before she fell out of live that she was seeing issue in the relationship, and help find ways together you and here could solve, she too did not communicate her feelings well. She set you up to fail by her own inability to communicate her needs and wants. You both were doing the same thing but she blamed you when it appears to be a 50-50 fault. Interestingly it was not until she had the safety of note being in the relationship was she able too. You may want to pick up the book He's Scared, She's Scared" may be insightful and helpful to keep from repeating your mistakes. Keep gong NC, and all the other effort. It will get better.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Awesome post and great introspection....sorry it didn't work out for you but you have learned something for this. Communication is extremely important.... I wish you all the best
Author sorglos Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 I am sorry for your lost but do not be too hard on yourself. While it is important that you do see your mistakes and take effort to make sure you do not repeat them, their is equal blame to got around. Never thought I was solely to blame. We both are. Picked up the book you recommended. I probably fit quite a few examples a couple of years ago. But it was interesting.
Recommended Posts