noel2 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Have any of you who have been in an A feel like you have to be faithful to the person, I mean, its almost crazy, yet I find myself being faithful to a man that goes home and sleeps with his wife every night, urghh!
YellowShark Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 That's an excellent observation. Frankly I think its HILARIOUS and HYPOCRITICAL when the AP is angry/surprised/confused when they are cheated on as well.
Mombot Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 When I used to go out for lunch with a male friend I felt like I was cheating on him- but that was before I found out he is terminally separated and not D. Some of us don't have the dilemma that the M one goes home to a spouse every day, but I guarantee you, it feels just as bad,
Silly_Girl Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Don't have to. I choose to. My error is not with choosing to be monogamous, it's choosing an attached person to receive that privilege
jennie-jennie Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 (edited) I too was in a relationship when my relationship with my MM started. My exSO was aware and accepted that I had a relationship with my MM. I continued having sex with my exSO more than a year into the affair. Finally, there came a point where I did not enjoy having sex with him anymore. My sexual energy and attention had become so totally directed towards my MM. This was three years ago. At this time my MM was still having sex with his wife, so my decision to be monogamous with him was entirely one-sided. I knew I had the right to be with anyone else did I choose too. But, like Silly_Girl said, I chose not to. We have been sexually exclusive, my MM and I, for more than a year now (except for one blip). My MM came to that same point that I did, of only desiring one sexual partner. At the present I am kind of ambivalent though. In a way, I wouldn't mind picking up things again with my exSO. I guess what I would like is my MM to be exclusive with me, while I don't need to be exclusive to him. But it is a trade. I am not willing to give him the green light to be sexually active with his wife again. Edited August 10, 2010 by jennie-jennie
TigerCub Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 We have been sexually exclusive, my MM and I, for more than a year now (except for one blip). My MM came to that same point that I did, of only desiring one sexual partner. At the present I am kind of ambivalent though. In a way, I wouldn't mind picking up things again with my exSO. I guess what I would like is my MM to be exclusive with me, while I don't need to be exclusive to him. But it is a trade. I am not willing to give him the green light to be sexually active with his wife again. Hey Jennie-Jennie, I don't know your whole story, but I'm just wondering, how do you know he isn't sexually active with his wife?
TigerCub Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 As for me being faithful to the MM I fell for - I've never been, but our A was more Emotional than physical (we fooled around a few times, but I never let him have sex with me - as much as he wanted it), it was definitely more emotional. The way I see it is, if he goes home and sleeps next to someone else, he better not have any issues with me dating/sleeping with anyone else.
In_Repair Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I wasn't faithful to my MW, and I don't think she ever really expected that of me. I was emotionally attached to her though, so I never opened myself up in that way to anyone else.
jennie-jennie Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Hey Jennie-Jennie, I don't know your whole story, but I'm just wondering, how do you know he isn't sexually active with his wife? The same way he knows I am not sexually active with any other man, we talk to each other. I could be lying of course. I am in fact going up to stay with my exSO for two days this week. So how can my MM really know that I am not having sex with my ex? He can't. He has to take the knowledge he has about me and decide whether he trusts me or not. When we are in an intimate relationship, we trust each other to tell the truth. When we trust a partner, we risk being fooled of course. But I'd rather it turn out I was fooled because I trusted my intimate partner, than that I mistrusted him when he was honest with me. My MM has always been brutally honest with me. I have no reason to suspect that has changed. I would not go behind my MM's back and have sex with someone else, because it would change the foundation of our relationship from honesty to dishonesty. I know this to be my MM's opinion as well. He has one dishonest relationship in his life, he doesn't need or want two.
HappyAtLast Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 When I was involved with my affair partner, we never discussed her dating others. But, I remained very aware of the fact that, at any point, this beautiful woman could be snatched up by another. I was not willing to gamble with her love and our future, so I acted accordingly. In my very humble opinion, it is a mistake for the single person in the affair, assuming that they are looking for a future with their affair partner, to not exercise their option to date.
OWoman Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Have any of you who have been in an A feel like you have to be faithful to the person, I mean, its almost crazy, yet I find myself being faithful to a man that goes home and sleeps with his wife every night, urghh! I was never in that position with any of my MMs. I specifically let them know from the outset that they would be one of several, and that they were very much a part-time pursuit for me. They were happy with the symmetry of that. When my H and I became serious, we decided independently to become sexually exclusive - he, because he felt the need to be faithful to me, and because he had lost any ability to generate any desire for his then-W, and me because sex with him was just soooooo much more wonderful than anything else, I couldn't stand the inevitable disappointment with someone else. We've been sexually exclusive with each other ever since.
piscis Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Maybe this wont have a lot of sense for most people but it has it to me. I do not cheat on him because I am not a cheater, many could tell I am not a cheater but I help my MM cheat on his W with me but that is not the topic of the post so I won't get into that. I have never cheated on anyone. I just can't and I just do not want to. I can be in a R and maybe I like a gay yes but I do not cross the boundary of cheating. I have lots of male friends who are that friends I care a lot ans hang out with but just as friends. Just once when I was around 18 I had a boyfriend (single boyfriend) and I started to have feeling for someone else and as soon as I realized I ended it with my boyfriend and started to date the other person.
Author noel2 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 As much as I do adore my MM, I do see another guy from here to there, he is single and we have sooooo much fun together but he isn't looking for anything serious right now. Anyway, sometimes after being with him I feel guilty and other times I feel free and sorta like, take that MM, does that make sense? I would be exclusive to him if, only if, he left his wife, but right now I just don't think I should be expected to.
Silly_Girl Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Mine's a love thing. I can only love - the way I want to love - one man at a time. And therefore can't shag about. No matter how much I'd LOVE to
BlackLovely Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Don't have to. I choose to. My error is not with choosing to be monogamous, it's choosing an attached person to receive that privilege If it makes you sad and you know it's an error, why would you continue? Very confusing...
Silly_Girl Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 If it makes you sad and you know it's an error, why would you continue? Very confusing... I am sad that the man I am in love with is married. It is an error to fall in love with a married man, yes. But I am in love with him. That answers the bolded bit, for me, for now.
Confused4Now Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 BTDT....I think I posted something earlier this week about this. Even though I've pretty much let my xMW go....something inside of me has trouble being with another person and I'm sure deep inside I still love my xMW. I've had opportunities yet I can't pull the trigger. Like others in a way I feel this connection with her still. I'm getting to a point though it will be a matter of time when I can close the deal and not feel guilt about anything I'm doing and be like that jack rabbit:bunny::bunny:again....heeehee
Silly_Girl Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I'm getting to a point though it will be a matter of time when I can close the deal and not feel guilt about anything I'm doing and be like that jack rabbit:bunny::bunny:again....heeehee High-Five for C4N
In_Repair Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Why do OW/OM give up power like this? It just backs up the idea that they are terminally confused. Your "soul mate" is going home and screwing their spouse while you sit alone. Yeah, yeah, I know... they are in a sexless marriage. Lets say your boyfriend or girlfriend wasn't married, but they still split their time between you and another boyfriend/girlfriend... would you still just sit there on your thumb, all alone, watching it happen? or would you say something along the lines of "screw that *******, I'm going out tonight" ?... I bet that most of you wouldn't put up with it out of a single person who is actually available, yet you will deny and short-change yourself for someone who has already committed themselves to another. Twisted thinking...
jennie-jennie Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 As much as I do adore my MM, I do see another guy from here to there, he is single and we have sooooo much fun together but he isn't looking for anything serious right now. Anyway, sometimes after being with him I feel guilty and other times I feel free and sorta like, take that MM, does that make sense? I would be exclusive to him if, only if, he left his wife, but right now I just don't think I should be expected to. :bunny:
Author noel2 Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Jennie, I'm not sure what that meant with the little rabbits, but I think you probably understand where I'm coming from.
Author noel2 Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 I completely agree with what you've said, there is no way I'd put up with the same crap from a boyfriend that is single, which leads me to wonder....why in the world do we put up with it from our MM/MW? I don't know, maybe we think if we at least make them think were ONLY with them, then maybe they'll see us as a woman they may really want to be with. Hmmmm
lolapalooza Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I completely agree with what you've said, there is no way I'd put up with the same crap from a boyfriend that is single, which leads me to wonder....why in the world do we put up with it from our MM/MW? I don't know, maybe we think if we at least make them think were ONLY with them, then maybe they'll see us as a woman they may really want to be with. HmmmmCould you please use the "quote" button when responding to posts? The way you post makes it very hard to follow who you are responding to. Many thanks.
In_Repair Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I completely agree with what you've said, there is no way I'd put up with the same crap from a boyfriend that is single, which leads me to wonder....why in the world do we put up with it from our MM/MW? I don't know, maybe we think if we at least make them think were ONLY with them, then maybe they'll see us as a woman they may really want to be with. Hmmmm I know exactly what you are talking about, because I had the same thoughts at one time... then quickly came to my senses. Why should we feel the need to show that we are faithful when they show that they are not faithful every single time you see them? Again, imagine your boyfriend was single and unattached... would you feel comfortable with him expecting you to live with such a double standard?
OWoman Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Lets say your boyfriend or girlfriend wasn't married, but they still split their time between you and another boyfriend/girlfriend... would you still just sit there on your thumb, all alone, watching it happen? or would you say something along the lines of "screw that *******, I'm going out tonight" ?... I bet that most of you wouldn't put up with it out of a single person who is actually available, yet you will deny and short-change yourself for someone who has already committed themselves to another. Twisted thinking... Interestingly, many people are very happy to do that. I was S, and made it quite clear to all my potential paramours that they would be one of several. They were all happy to accept that - whether they were M or S. (That's not to say they STAYED happy with that, though - several tried it on to become "the one" - for which they got summarily dumped, and replaced. But they were certainly happy enough initially to get involved knowing the full picture. Perhaps they thought half a loaf was better than no bread?)
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