BlondyUK Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Hi - came across this forum while Googling and don't know if anyone has any advice or has been in this kind of situation before... I've had a look through some of the forum posts but couldn't see anything similar. I will try to keep this brief but need to give context. Met MM when I dated (briefly) his best friend a few years ago. MM got married while we were dating. Few months into his marriage, we started to become close - clear attraction plus standard EA stuff. We very quickly moved on to a -- I suppose you would say PA but we have still, 3 years later, not slept together or gone any further than 2nd base -- let's call it a PA anyway. We got into habit of whenever we would see each other we would end up making out but then we would feel guilty, pretend it never happened, until it usually happened again the next week or so (longest we managed to not *really* act on attraction was about 10 months). Tried NC a couple of times but it never works -- mutual friends, small community, not *wanting* to do NC as well I guess. I was usually the one who suggested it and I was usually the one who would crack. I recently moved away for a short time -- getting some space between us was a key factor in decision -- and my leaving was difficult for us both. While I was away MM was emailing and texting most days, saying how much he missed me etc. I told him that I had fallen in love and didn't know what to do. He said I was his best friend but, while he loved me, he wasn't in love with me. I got angry because IMHO based on his previous actions and things he had said it didn't add up. We spent a long time talking things through - tried taking being friends slowly, didn't work; more NC and then, now I am back, we agreed to be "just friends". Well, that lasted less than a week and we are now back to square one. My problem is what do we do now?! I am thinking that I suggest that, rather than deny what we feel (which we both admit to feeling but feel guilty whenever something happens and then just try to pretend it didn't happen and beat ourselves up about it) we just admit that we are not able to control physical attraction and just get on with it? We are not sleeping with each other, despite his M going horribly wrong (am I a cause or consequence, I honestly don't know!) he feels that he needs to work at it because he made a committment and, part of that committment, is not having sex with anyone else (although I do think that what we are doing/have done/may be about to do again is far worse than him having just had a one-night stand because of the time involved and the level of attachment between us). Physically we are (and I can't believe I am going to write this but cannot think of a better word!) "tender"(?!) but also very passionate and still very touchy-feely and flirty after all this time. I honestly do not know what else to try. I do love him and a big part of me would like to be with him but I also think that if he did get a divorce, it would probably serve him (and I) well for him to be single for a while and sort his head out properly. I do occasionally date other people but, if I'm honest, I am too involved in this for anything else to work. I don't want to be OW, and he doesn't want to be unfaithful to his wife but I am out of options of other things to try... It has now been 5 years of this and we have only just, in the last 6 months, actually started talking about how we feel rather than burying our heads in the sand and then feeling guilty about feeling that way. His wife knows about me, knows we are very close friends, I doubt she knows any more (also the type to bury head in sand and pretend everything is hunkydory!) Does anyone have any experience of anything similar to this? Did anyone set any parameters when they admitted it was (in most extents) an affair? Part of me thinks that if we are more open with each other about things it might take away some of the "excitement" (again, not sure if that is the right word!) about everything being illicit and "naughty" when we meet? Any advice, suggestions, guidance etc will be really appreciated!
Author BlondyUK Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Sorry - just seen how long that post was! Also should say that there are no kids involved (although she is keen to have some as soon as possible!)
OliveOyl Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Why do you want to be with someone who says he's not in love with you? I'm not going to do a big guilt-trip about him being married, etc. There are plenty others on this board who can do that... But it's going to get messy very soon, and he is not available, period. If you sleep with him you will just fall even deeper. It will be a big emotional mess. You could stay stuck for years not having a real, proper relationship. Do you really want to go into a messy situation with someone who will probably never truly be available for you? Don't you deserve better? Been there done that.
Author BlondyUK Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 Sorry OliveOyl -- thanks for your reply. I probably wasn't clear on my overly long off-loading post but I do not want to sleep with him (Ok, I lied, I do -- of course I do! -- but not under these circumstances and not while it is contrary to what he believes - however random and f'd-up that may sound given the situation!) I am merely suggesting that we stop trying to stop having feelings about each other -- and while he initally said he didn't love me (which I didn't believe because of his previous actions and things he'd said) he has now admitted that he does love me and doesn't know what to do. I am just trying to find a middle ground here is all... Is there even such a thing as a middle ground in these situations (particularly involving your best friend) or is it just all or nothing (NC v full PA)?! From reading this forum, I am thinking the latter..
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