Parted amicably after short relationship, missing her terribly

[luckysloth]

I dated a wonderful, beautiful girl for almost 2 months. We shared a real connection, she was really into me- calling me everyday, texting me constantly, wanting to know how my day was going. Some background on me- I am highly educated, relatively good looking, confident, and successful- what would normally be considered a "catch." She's the same way. We're both in our late 20's. She had even hinted that she was ready to settle down and that before she had met me, she was considering being introduced to someone by her relatives overseas (we're both middle eastern, though we both grew up here). She said things like "our parents can swap houses when they visit here or back home."

 

For the entire length of the dating period, we were really close, although she lives with her parents an hour and a half away. We would see each other once or twice a week. A couple of weeks ago, I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She said we should keep dating and get to know each other more, so I told her I won't bring it up again for the time being. Things were still cool after that, she still called me every day and we still had chemistry and mutual attraction. She even introduced me to her sister, who really liked me and called me to thank me later.

 

However, last weekend we got together for what was to be the last time in a month. She was going on an overseas trip back home with her family (she had only visited once before) and drove up to spend the saturday with me. Prior to meeting me for the first time a couple of months ago, she was in a car accident and was still suffering from the whiplash. I didn't want the whiplash to ruin her trip, so I surprised her with an appointment with a massage therapist/physiotherapist who specialized in things like whiplash. She was thrilled. Then she came back to my place and I had dinner already made- and I did the best I could do. We popped open the bottle of wine she had brought with her, had a wonderful meal and finished it on my roof. We came back down to my place and started making out on my couch. Things were going well and felt really comfortable (we still hadn't slept together yet), and eventually started getting a little steamy. She locked up on me and started telling me that she wasn't ready for a relationship, wanted to stay single, and that there are all these expectations I have of her. I tried cooling things down a bit by joking with her and saying "what makes you think you're the only girl I'm dating right now" and "I'm not always this nice, I just wanted to do something memorable for you before you went on your trip, no expectations." She wasn't convinced, and I said "sure, I know there's alot of sexual tension between us and I'm open to exploring that someday but it doesn't have to be right now." Then she got up, and said she has to go, stormed off to her car and I ran after her but she was fast!

 

I was left really hurt and confused. I had really started to have feelings for this girl. I really thought I had met the one. But I also felt alot of anger towards the way she treated me- like the kind of guy who would try to con her into having sex with me by buying her a massage and making her dinner. So I sent her a text the next morning telling her that I didn't want to see her anymore if she's going to keep treating me the way she did. No response all day. Then, I called her that night and she said she was thinking about me all day and listening to my music and was glad I called. We had supposedly made up, but she asked me if I'm ok with being just friends if she had a change of heart. I said I don't know, let's figure it out when you get back from your trip.

 

The next day I felt awful and wanted to see her before she left, just to have fun and take it easy. I didn't want her leaving me for a month on such a bad note. So I called and asked her if we could meet halfway for a little bit and just take it easy. That's when she told me she just wanted to be friends. she sounded very hesitant and even sad about it. I told her I was not interested in being friends and that we should go our separate ways. Then I sent her a short email telling her that I think she's a wonderful girl and that it was really nice while it lasted. I wished her the best. She replied me telling me how wonderful I am and that she wishes I would change my mind about being friends and staying in touch in the future. I wrote her back saying it wasn't possible, that she "could have either all of me and none of me." I went on explaining that I didn't do the nice things for her to impress her, but it's how I was raised. And that I felt really offended that she thought I had expectations from doing those things. I sounded a bit bitter in that email. So I wrote her back saying that's not how I'd like her to remember me and that It's ok with me that our stars didn't align this time and perhaps they will in the future. And wished her a great trip. She's overseas in our homeland right now. I left it at that and haven't heard anything back.

 

I'm really smitten by this girl, she was everything I ever wanted until this happened. What would be the best course of action here? No Contact (which I've been following for the last 3 days and counting)? Is there a likelyhood that she will contact me when she gets back? How should I take it if she does? What do you guys think is going on with her- could it be possible that she's going to meet some guy her family's arranging? She's not muslim and as far as I know, not very conservative. Her family is pretty chill and she was raised here in California. I miss her like crazy.

 

Thank you so much for your help!

 

-Confused in SF.

Edited August 9, 2010 by luckysloth
left something out

[Don Ho]

Hey Lucky. Ok. I understand that you're hung up on this girl, but YOU are your own worst enemy. After reading your whole thread, one phrase came to mind: you were a major pussy. You have all your dating beliefs so backwards I thought you were 15 not late 20's. You asked her to be your GF? Wrong move, the woman always asks. Don't believe me? Do some reading on the internet. You set up a massage appt for her? Wrong again. Not to insult you, but you don't get it.

 

"sure, I know there's alot of sexual tension between us and I'm open to exploring that someday but it doesn't have to be right now." WTF would you say that? No wonder she left. Good job in telling her you were taking it cool, bad job in showing her you weren't cool. You have it all arse backwards my friend. Go read some David DeAngelo and Doc Love on askmen.com.

 

All the things you think might "make" her like you won't and all the actions you've done won't either. All the "lessons" you learned from your parents, your friends, the idea of "be yourself" and it will all work out, that if you DO things for her and buy her things, you will WIN her love is all wrong. Nothing is further from the truth. You have to build attraction. You're actions show that you're weak and that means she loses attraction. You do say the right things (most of the time) and that builds attraction for her, but you undo it all by doting over her like a little wussy.

 

Yes! Stop contacting her and go NC!! Do not keep calling her and emailing her or whatever. You haven't contacted her in 3 whole days? Wow! Amazing! Let HER contact you. Let HER tell her she wants to see you. "I wrote her back saying it wasn't possible, that she "could have either all of me and none of me."" WTF would you say that? I swear if I was there I would sock you in the face.

 

Don't take this as I am a prick or you have to defend your actions or what you did. I'm 45 and I'm trying to help you because I was like you and I learned it all the HARD way. Take the time that she is gone to get less emotional about her and do A LOT of reading about dating. Ok. You've gone 3 days. Go the whole 30 days now that she's gone and do NC. Total NC.

[luckysloth]

Don Ho,

 

You're absolutely right. I was a total pussy. It's alot more complicate than that though. The reasons were cultural. I treated her the way I was raised to treat women in my culture (which we both share) and I have almost zero experience with that. I'm used to taking it easy with American girls, who I'm much more comfortable dating because they do alot of the work in establishing a relationship. In this case, she was giving me mixed signals about wanting to settle down, wanting me to meet her parents, all that stuff, and I reacted completely differently from why I normally would. This was sort of a rebound relationship after my previous ex cheating on me for "not being attentive enough" and "putting work ahead of her." The question is, do you think all hope is lost here? How do I prove that I'm not a pussy after 30 days of NC? Should I ever admit to her that I acted like one and will be myself from now on? This is especially hard because I'm seriously missing her like hell right now, but I also want my power back. Thanks for your sage advice. I just socked myself in the face for you!

 

NewYorkPinky,

 

Thank you for your insight. Though I would love to have her in my life again, I'm not too keen on slipping in the dreaded "friend zone" and watching her date other guys who treat her like dirt, if that's the way she wants to be treated. Attraction is such a primal thing, and it really sucks that the older I get, the worse I am at it. Maybe it's because I'm ready to settle down and give someone my all. I've said what i needed to say and I'm hoping she'll contact me in 3-4 weeks when she gets back from her trip. If she doesn't, I would have learned an important lesson

[Don Ho]

"The question is, do you think all hope is lost here? How do I prove that I'm not a pussy after 30 days of NC? Should I ever admit to her that I acted like one and will be myself from now on? This is especially hard because I'm seriously missing her like hell right now, but I also want my power back".

 

I'm glad you "listened" to my message and you "get it". I don't think ALL help is lost, but you have to do NC if you want a shot. NO you don't tell her you were a pussy. You will act differently if/when you see her again and won't act like a pussy.

 

Of course you want your power back. I remember a saying I read on the internet: "Who ever cares less, has control of the relationship". Yes, you tipped the power her direction and that is UNATTRACTIVE to women. So you must do NC if you want any shot at getting any power back (and subsequently attraction from her). You sound like a smart guy and I'm sure you'll get what I'm saying. Now GO READ some David DeAngelo and Doc Love. They can be found at askmen.com. Hang in there.