heard NEW news on the ex today..1 step back

[nineyearsgone79]

Hey Guys! So... i took a tiny step back today blah! My situation was I was dating a guy for 9 years long distance. Tried to make it work and work and work.. it ended with him still living at home with his parents. He broke up with me via email telling me not to contact him. I was heartbroken.

 

So anyway recently a mutual friend of ours whom I grew extremely close to the last year as we both were there for each other after our break ups. Anyway he contacted my ex out of curiosity on his part.

 

Anyway the ex wrote him back today and the letter was as follows:

 

How ya doin' sir? I also have been out of the loops. Just moved into a new place, and don't have the internets yet. You got yer galbladder removed?! Yowzers! Up until recently, I never even knew what the galbladder was for. Apparently it removes bile from the liver, but is essentially unnecessary. Glad you've recovered. Life hasn't been too prosperous for me...yet, but I'm more financially stable than I've been in a long time. Was woring two jobs for about a year. It was brutal. But, now I just have one full-time job, and my sleep schedule is back to normal. Once I'm all settled into my new place, I hope to get back to some projects that have been floating aound in my head, and in sketchbooks. If I'm lucky, some money will follow, eventually. Still unsure of my direction with art, but I have some ideas that I'm excited about. You workin' on any new stuff?

 

I recently tried Almond Dream dairy free ice cream. It was quite good, but a little pricy.

 

----

 

Anyway........... So yah the ex has moved into his own place for the first time. I wanted him to do this for yearssssss .. funny how they break your hearts and do all the things you had wished they had done all those years.

 

It just makes me a lil sad and like ... i duno... yup took a step back today.

 

Why do I still care? How is he able to so not care at all and just able to progress? I guess he just was so happy to throw me away moving on was easy?

 

.. venting sorry .. just feeling a lil taken aback

[Treasa]

Maybe you weren't meant for each other, but you came into his life to give him the kick in the pants he needed?

 

Or maybe it's just really weird timing.

 

Either way, he didn't wait to move out because you weren't good enough. I know you wonder why he couldn't do it for you, but it has nothing to do with you. Unless, like I said, you were an inspiration and a catalyst for him.

 

Either way, continue on. You're doing really well.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

I feel for you Nineyearsgone. It must be hard. I've deliberately stayed clear of finding out any information about my ex coz I know I can't handle that. And I'm not sure if I ever will be able to handle that. I can only advise that you keep on going and eventually you'll be alright and you'll start taking steps forward again.

[Beeotch]

Maybe you weren't meant for each other, but you came into his life to give him the kick in the pants he needed?

 

Either way, he didn't wait to move out because you weren't good enough. I know you wonder why he couldn't do it for you, but it has nothing to do with you. Unless, like I said, you were an inspiration and a catalyst for him.

Cosign.

 

I believe that ALL relationships (platonic, romantic or familial) are in your life to teach you something. NO relationship is a waste because it didn't last forever. When you realize that, it is easier to let things go as you can focus on what you did learn and what you helped that other person learn and move forward.

 

I know how it feels...everyone wants to believe their ex is depressed and suffering. It's our egos talking. I went through that phase. Wanting to believe that YOU have the power to change them into being better and without you their lives are just not that great. I now realize how ridiculous and selfish it is. Watching his life to see if he is unhappy isn't gonna make mine better so why not focus on what was good that I learned and venture out to seek new experiences and most importantly fulfillment within myself? The time focused on your "lost" or believing things are unfair keeps you in a rut. If your ex is finally doing what he needs to do, wish him well mentally and continue doing what you need to do! Him doing well doesn't mean you aren't good enough or that you can't do well or that you were the one causing him to be stuck. It really has NOTHING to do with us. We may be a part of someone's lesson and have importance to them but we are not the whole point.

 

I believe we attract those vibrating on the same level as us and when we break up it is because we are no longer vibing in a compatible way.Therefore I choose to live my life abundantly so that I may be the best and attract someone who is at their best as well versus looking back hoping an ex will catch up or being mad that my ex is going his own way. There is enough happiness for everyone and when you start focusing on your piece of the pie, it becomes DELICIOUS! We have a tendency to look at the pies of others (exes esp) thinking it looks tastier than ours when that may be farrrrrrrr from the case. It was made for THEM. Yours was custom made for YOU so enjoy it!

Edited August 10, 2010 by Beeotch

[nineyearsgone79]

Hey Guys! Thank you for the positive thoughts! I've just had this on my mind all evening and I just dislike how it leaves me with negative feelings ya know?

 

For some reason I feel like.. if i heard not much has changed with him I would have been content. Hearing him moving up .. even if in a minor way .. (as he is still not doing art which is his passion) I feel like blah about.

 

Deep down I hold a bit of anger that I was so stupid to stick with him long distance for those long 9 years despite my friends telling me to give him an ultimatum! Boy they were right looking back now! I should have never let him hold the power in the relationship as I did. He was simply able to dispose of me when he was "finished."

 

Is it wrong that some times i fantasize about doing something silly! Many a night I had pondered the thought of sending his sister and parents his nude photos and videos. I know I would never actually do this but man I just want to wrong him in some way! How do I get rid of this because i know it's not healthy. I just feel like I was a total joke to him. He couldn't even break up with me over the phone. An email break up let me know how little he thought of me and us. Then to tell me never to contact him again.. it's like wow I was in this relationship too ya know?

 

I was letting go of this anger but now it feels a bit of a resurrection ugh!

 

:/

[nineyearsgone79]

yarg.. why now do i have this urge to write him.. i knew hearing my friend update me was opening a can of worms!

 

I haven't had a sense to write him since last November.

 

This would be bad wouldn't it... I just wish we had been able to have a friendship. He didn't even give us a chance to try friendship. He just abruptly ended everything and disappeared. Do you think he's at a better place in life to be open to friendship or am i being totally dumb? ... :/

[IfiKnewThen]

Anyway........... So yah the ex has moved into his own place for the first time. I wanted him to do this for yearssssss .. funny how they break your hearts and do all the things you had wished they had done all those years.

 

It just makes me a lil sad and like ... i duno... yup took a step back today.

 

Why do I still care? How is he able to so not care at all and just able to progress? I guess he just was so happy to throw me away moving on was easy?

 

.. venting sorry .. just feeling a lil taken aback

 

 

omg this is so true. i was just thinking all of that today. this is a bit different but my guy is mexican and i am white and he always said he didnt like mexican looking ladies...well it was NOT his preference at all. and he called to tell me he met someone. said it sooooo straight up and like ti was NOTHING. then he told me she was mexican. its different i know but i do relate and got all choked up when reading this quote above. its so raaw with me... but time isnt healing all wounds either. its been 3 months of a cold stranger who could care less it seems. he ;s so detached and so indifferent..... the tone in his voice is....like.......huh> why are you upset? its soooooooooooo damn bizzare . we were together LDR 10 years and he was very intergrated with my life. he saw me a lot in the grand scheme of things. anyway back to you. i just wish i could hug you. i am sorry for your loss...the grief and anguish. and i pray we are all lisfted out of this sooner than later. God bless

[IfiKnewThen]

nine i am going to read your orignal post and get back to you..on whether or not to contact him. give me a little time...

[nineyearsgone79]

IfIKnewThen... Thank You!!!

 

Yeah.. that's the craziest part isn't it... how integrated they are for such an insanely long time. You never imagine them not part of your life. Particularly with LDR you really put off a lot of things because of the relationship. It's always planning for tomorrow and then that tomorrow just never comes.. it's very sad.

 

I wish I knew their secret! I want to know how to completely brush off any emotion and move forward without a second thought. I wonder .. did I never really know this true side of him?? He was always a warm & caring guy always there for me when times were good or bad. Now he is a stranger. I'm not sure what is worse .. they take off and literally disappear or watching them change into someone you just don't recognize before your eyes.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation too! I would never rec. a LDR to anyone nor giving up the power in the relationship waiting for the other to catch up with you. It just never happens. Thank you for your thoughts & words. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little brighter. Today was like a cloud floated over me.

[IfiKnewThen]

ok nine i read your original post. it was short..and to the point and very heartbreaking.

 

i want to say....it seems when men make up their minds.... they really make up their minds. i dont know if i am crazy...( i know i am sensitive) but woman seem to be easier to convince. if a man really approaches her (like john gray talks about in men are from mars woman are from venus........a MUST read), i think most woman would be willing to go back with a guy (who treats a woman like she really needs to be treated and means it!) it's all about relationship skills for a man. but it seems (and men please dont hit me over the head too hard) when a man makes up his mind there is little or nothing a woman can do...once he get REALLY hurt. or is just plain self serving...(thats a different story).

 

nine..i havent read any other of your post and i admit i am in a bad frame of mind tonight with a very broken heart. i JUST heard he Really hit it off with a woman his age. (i am older too).......but here it is...

 

i always believed in doing what your heart dictates. especially if you almost have nothing to lose anymore. not that you havent invested in healing. that IS something to lose ground with...so this is very tricky. But if you could reconcile with risks to try to do something you want to do........and might not get the chance to do again. if you could say to yourself (and mean it) "i am doing this to try to get what i want and if it doesnt work, at least i KNOW i tired....i will try this"! if you can do that..then i would say contact him. i know everyone says N/C and it does have it's merits. and i have used it before and it did work for me...in one way...but didnt in another. it worked in that he was a jerk (this was a different relationship in the past, not the relationship i had now) and being that he was a jerk and a hurtful guy...N/C empowered me. it was now i MY terms if i didnt talk to him..etc. but on the other hand...when i went into my NEXT relationship, since i didnt resolve issues with him and still harbored so old feeling of just unrequited love, it carried over into my next relationship subconsciously. anway.......the bottom line is.... he told you dont contact ..dont call. and we walk on egg shells and their terms. ok..that ok in the beginning. but time has past and God willing we are stronger or want to be and can then begin to do things on OUR terms. and if they dont like it....too bad. i am a bit pissed tonight as well. he still has a great hold on you because he basically bound gagged and tied you up with.....you cant talk to me so dont even try. can i smack him now lol? i get he wanted to be firm. and he had HIS reasons. but nine years IS a long time. and i do agree with the gal who posted..more peaceful approaches to healing. i am going to save her post. you should call and fight with him or kiss his butt. there has to be another approach that is balance. but one where you get to say what YOU want. and if the coward cant take it after all this time too bad. (remember i dont know if you have spoken to him or emailed him or if he responded to you after all this tiem or not b/c i havent read more..so this might all be futile info to you) but if you havent had any contact.....call him. you dont have to be friends. that can develope if hes not a paranoid person and youre not a stalker. but if you learned anything over the course of time...perhaps you can ready yourself to do something...one brave step on YOUR terms ..even if you dont get the results you want. thats just my opinion wthout knowing more of course. God bless.

[IfiKnewThen]

you should call and fight with him or kiss his butt.

 

yikes major typo up there. i meant to say. you shouldnt call him and fight nor kiss his butt. you need balance . its 1 am here and if you read my post in break ups SICK/HURT you will see i have a disability and he gave me aweful news today and plus my typing always stunk.

 

anyway all i am trying to say in a nutshell and i think if you WANT to you should call. calling can empower SOMETIMES . but it has to be at a time when you are stronger..and you settle it in your brain...that you are doing this to do something on YOUR terms. that YOU FEEL like calling and so you do it for YOU. not him. sometimes is for us or it can begin that way..or it can begin to hurt them or get their attention or because we are afraid of how they will act/respond. but basically it still ALL centers around them. so sometimes...calling can be about you. you not worrying about them and their reaction. but you do it to break the hold of living in fear and in "what if's". if you can resign yourself to that and psyche yourself for that...you can empower yourself in a whole other way. this is not for everyone and every situation. i was sooooooooo scared to call him. i barely ever did in these 3 months. maybe i should have flown to him during that time..who knows...one never knows. but i got sick of trying to show him i didnt have to call...or whatever. anyway sorry so long. anyway like i said its tricky and there is no real answer. its about you and what you want to do after a while.

[IfiKnewThen]

Do you think he's at a better place in life to be open to friendship or am i being totally dumb? ... :/

 

if you are at a better place for friendship after what he did...then fine. and you wont know unless you contact him . thats the unfortunate part. its all about risks. and whether or not you take them and can live with the decision.

[nineyearsgone79]

Honestly I'm not sure whether him being in a better place in his life would enable him to be friends with me either way. That's the tough thing. Basically I received the initial short brief break up email back in August. I was confused and depressed during that time and wrote him on and off until November. I was basically asking him if he could please tell me why he was ending things .. that this would help with closure etc. It was so out of the blue in my eyes.

 

He did write back the day before Thanksgiving explaining the reasons. They basically were bits and pieces of me that annoyed him over the 9 years. Amongst the biggest were that he thought that my moods were up and down. Honestly at that time they were. I was under a lot of pressure with work and would be sad or frustrated when we would talk on the phone. I was in a bit of a depression looking back. He was at that time the only person really in my life aside from my family. I think I relied on him to much. He told me at that time that he felt suffocated. He felt he couldn't go out and have fun without feeling guilty.

 

At that time I was a different person.. I realized when it was far to late that I did rely on him to much. He was such in a non figured out state in his life. He was working 2 part time jobs and living with his parents. I was stressed because I was working to much and trying to earn money so we could be together. I had worn myself down emotionally. However, after the whole mess I picked myself up and got out there and made friends which I think has helped zillions! I also recently started dating someone new who actually was in a similar situation.. LD and she broke it off .. she got preg by some guy she cheeted with him on ugh! So he looked me up years later just remembering me. Anyway it has been going well and the more we hang out the closer we are becoming. It is nice to be in an actual IN PERSON relationship .. I feel like i missed out on that with my ex.

 

Anyway I do feel at a better place and I really miss that friendship. However, deep down i'm afraid that he i duno wouldn't believe me that I am. He in that last letter said that relationships shouldn't be so complicated and friendships shouldn't be complicated and that we would not be able to have a healthy friendship. It sucks though because I feel like I have healed in many ways.. and from what my friend says.. he sounds like he is progressing. I guess there really isn't a "point" to having a friendship with him. It's not like I think oh we will get back together. However, there are times when talking to my friends that I think back to the little inside jokes we had and memories and I am left empty not being able to share those things with anyone else u know?

 

It's sad to have to lock those things deep inside and say .. forget about them. I'm not that kind of person. I do think girls are different.. it's scary to me to think that he doesn't ever think of me. It scares me because it makes me wonder did he ever care at any point? .. or just "hang in there"

 

In the first break up email he mentioned that he was hoping things would change with me and things would change with him but it never happened so he was breaking up with me which was inevitable. I never thought a breakup was inevitable.. I never had given up.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts!!!

[nineyearsgone79]

Thank you so much again for your thoughts!!

 

Yeah.. If i was to contact him it would probably be via email maybe. When he broke up with me he would not pick up the phone at all. In the November letter he said he did not want to talk to me and therefore would not pick up the phone.

 

Man just writing that line makes me feel so silly. I feel silly that I still miss the friendship we once had... and that I had it with someone who couldn't even pick up a phone. He obviously doesn't care about me. I just wish I could get out these thoughts I have ya know... still pondering a letter in a few days. Might send it on august 25 the day he broke up with me. I also don't want it to close to the letter he wrote our mutual friend. I don't want him knowing that the guy emailed me the letter.

 

He has no clue that me and that guy talk daily and are best friends. It's all so messed up.

[IfiKnewThen]

He was at that time the only person really in my life aside from my family. I think I relied on him to much. He told me at that time that he felt suffocated. He felt he couldn't go out and have fun without feeling guilty.

 

At that time I was a different person.. I realized when it was far to late that I did rely on him to much. He was such in a non figured out state in his life. He was working 2 part time jobs and living with his parents

 

OMG did we date the same man? your situation is the closet to mine i have seen. well he lives with his parents too. still. and aside from my smallll family very small...he was the only person in my life too b/c i have been sick ..with this stupid illness/disability and didnt get out much except with my family on occasion and to see him. (because he understood my illness). he was the only one working. and was working on getting here and maybe someday we can PM and i can send more details. hopefully not as lengthy. its so hard when you know you messed up and they stone cold cut you off. they really seemed to make up their minds. mine was so unhappy with me in the end..(but didnt act like it ) that he put an ad online for advise to get deal with me. omg. that sounds so bad. and i dont want to take up more of your time with this..so if you want to read my story LDR SICK /HURT. thats me. i am up late because i am in shock of his news about his new love interest. and i envy her. if he is treated with kindness and respect and she deals better with the drama in her life than i did...well .......sighs...

 

its good you have someone new. again take care and write me if you want. and if you want to comment on my situation i would love to hear anything you had to say. thanks again

[nineyearsgone79]

Man.. that's what I love about this site! You think you are alone and that no one else understands but then you come on here and realize you aren't!!

 

Totally I will check out your story tomorrow. I'm going to bed soon.. my mind feels so tired for the day and I was staying up tonight writing and sewing for a bit.. to try to relax my thoughts.

 

I too am envious of the next girl he dates. I really feel like if we hadn't been LD then there would have been so much less stress on him and i and everything. You keep hoping for something to break something to change so that you two can get together and they just reached a point where they obviously couldn't deal and bailed. I know i'm not to blame and neither are you! I think waiting on the guys as we did only weighs on our mind throughout the relationship. You see your friends moving and progressing and then you look and see yourself stagnant. It would sadden me but I was to afraid to speak up because I didn't want to scare him away. In the end I guess my stress came out in other non direct ways. I would get frustrated him over stupid stuff that looking back meant nothing! Deep down though I felt like .. what the heck when are we going to have time together again!

 

Thank you.. yah I am happy in my new relationship. I know you will find a great one too!! I am afraid a little though that this previous bad experience has jaded me in certain ways. I find myself much harder to open up to him and trust him. Deep down i feel like if my ex could take off in the way he did.. how do i know this guy won't. I know this time I am maintaining my friendships so I do not rely on this new guy to much. I have changed SO much in how I handle things. I find that the qualities my ex was upset at me about no longer even exist in my new relationship. I have no need to feel jealous if he's out with friends without me etc.

 

I feel that being LD gives you these insecurities because the relationship in itself is so always on a teetor totter waiting to fall. I felt insecure in myself .. that he wouldn't find me as attractive on the next trip. I just felt in general he'd meet some great girl out there. Blah anyway .. I wish he knew I had those insecurities and frustrations BECAUSE we were long distance.

 

If we were friends I wouldn't have those insecurities because there are no expectations. In a relationship there are expectations .. which lead to stress on both individuals. .. well aw man I'm just rambling now but I will totally read your situation tomorrow!!! Hopefully you can get yourself some good sleep tonight too!! Talking and thinking things through a bit totally helps and you have helped me so much tonight. I really appreciate you taking your time to write me. I will write tomorrow!! Thank you again!!

[welikeincrowds]

He has no clue that me and that guy talk daily and are best friends. It's all so messed up.

 

Yeah, this is bad news. It's completely natural to want to talk to a mutual friend about what's going on with your ex, but getting a third party involved is easily one of the worst things you could do. I would strongly advise that you put an end to that topic in your discussions immediately if you haven't already done so. You don't want another letter about his life.

 

Like No Foolin' says (and you seem to agree), it's really more than you can handle.

 

Building on this, it really doesn't matter what he's doing. It all would have affected you because your feelings are complicated. What if you had heard the opposite -- that after the breakup he spiraled into a depression? I bet you would have felt a lot of things. You will feel a lot of things when in contact with your ex, however removed that contact is. That is why you decided to go no contact, isn't it?

 

Everyone tries to improve themselves after they put an end to something else important. That's what you're doing, no? Do not dwell on this. Whether or not he improved his life to spite you (silly when put that way, isn't it? Yet many of us, me included, do enjoy doing positive things out of spite) is of no concern to you. His life is of no concern to you. It was of concern to you for 9 years, but now it isn't.

 

I would strongly advise against sending him the letter. Consider how much hearing a terse description about his life from a third party has affected you, then ask yourself why you really want to write this letter. It's not silly to miss that friendship. But it would be silly to expect that you will ever get the same one back. This is a loss; you feel this friendship missing, and you are mourning. We have good reasons to bury our dead.

 

This reminds me of something a mentor of mine said to me recently. She was the longtime supervisor of a public early childhood development center that was shut down this year, due to a declining education budget in my state. She lost something that she worked to build for years, a child care center whose only function was to help its troubled and needy community. On the day she packed up her office to leave it all for good, she had this to say to me:

 

"No matter how special you think you are, the truth is that you are not special. Everyone is replaceable."

 

She was coming from a place of hurt, anger, and sadness, and so she was of course referring to herself and her work. But her advice has no intrinsic connotation. Just as much as we are replaceable, so too our the people in our lives that we earnestly felt were unique. Those things and feelings that other people give us are not unique. They are a part of the human condition we all share, and that is why we get to have them with each other in the first place.

 

"The job you thought only you could do will get done somehow. And the children, they'll get by. They're more resilient than they look." Amazing how one of the most painful moments was one of the most inspirational. It seems that's usually how it goes.

[nineyearsgone79]

I know what your saying.. that I shouldn't write.. being NC for so long etc.

 

The thing is though that there was never a decision to be NC or not be NC. He just told me in the break up letter (back in august) to never contact him again that it would be to hard. In the second letter he wrote in November he told me that he was writing me to never hear from me again. Also when he broke up with me he wouldn't take my calls or write me back. So.. I didn't really have much of a choice about it. I still feel this sense of hanging. He just ran away. I had thought that I was doing better .. yes i'd still think of him here and there. A song would come on and I'd get a lil tear in my eye .. that kind of thing. However, hearing this news though really for some strange reason eats at me. I found myself mentally writing him a letter last night.

 

Today I feel emotionally drained. I guess all I can do at this point is hope it subsides again in time or send a letter. If I were to write I'm not sure which way to go in the letter. Do you write about how things have been the past year (a catch up) kinda thing. Or... do you leave it more vague and just a more hope your doing well kinda thing.

 

I just wish he hadn't left me in such a hanging way. I really wish I had been the one to pull the plug on things. What I wouldn't give to have turned the tables!

[welikeincrowds]

Well my advice to you then would be to read Caliguy's guide to No Contact, and implement it. Most breakups are only initially desired and initiated by one party. He's using "No Contact" for God knows why. You use No Contact to get control back over your life.

Edited August 10, 2010 by welikeincrowds
I keep spelling "advice" wrong, that's probably ironic