bonpaw2008 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I am sure there is a whole 'nother forum for this but seems like everyone has had a bad day, so let's lighten it up...I'll start He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear pants don't you? He said...Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror! On a wall in a ladies room..."My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it... "I do not" Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A.Both of them. Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A.He buys two cases of beer. Q.What is the difference between men and government bonds? A.The bonds mature. Q.Why are blonde jokes so short? A.So men can remember them. Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A.We don't know; it has never happened. Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q.Why are married women heavier than single women? A.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A.They're married. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
Feelin Frisky Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 A skeleton goes into a bar and says: "gimme a pitcher of beer and a mop". Bud-ump-bump.
Thorgs Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 What's another name for an anorexic hooker with an STD? A Quarter-Pounder with cheese.
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 A skeleton goes into a bar and says: "gimme a pitcher of beer and a mop". Bud-ump-bump. What's another name for an anorexic hooker with an STD? A Quarter-Pounder with cheese. hee hee hee !
Thorgs Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Want to hear a dirty joke? You are sitting on your grandfather's lap and he gets a boner. What to hear a dirtier joke? Your grandfather stands up and you're still sitting on his lap.
YellowShark Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks his patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I've been trying to call you since yesterday.” .... Q- What is 9 inches long and white? A- Nothing. .... A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender asks "What's that?" The pirate says "Arrgh, i dont know, but it's drivin' me nuts." .... Two cowboys are riding through a canyon, when off in the distance they hear the sound of Indian drums. One cowboy says to the other, “I don’t like the sound of those drums!” And from across they canyon they hear a voice call out, “HE’S NOT OUR NORMAL DRUMMER!”
Username37 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 What's another name for an anorexic hooker with an STD? A Quarter-Pounder with cheese. Really? I was going to say my ex. I had to do it! I had to do it!
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks his patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I've been trying to call you since yesterday.” .... Q- What is 9 inches long and white? A- Nothing. .... A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender asks "What's that?" The pirate says "Arrgh, i dont know, but it's drivin' me nuts." .... Two cowboys are riding through a canyon, when off in the distance they hear the sound of Indian drums. One cowboy says to the other, “I don’t like the sound of those drums!” And from across they canyon they hear a voice call out, “HE’S NOT OUR NORMAL DRUMMER!” All funny but that one is my favorite.... Reminds me of my best ... 2 guys walk into a bar, don't you think the second one would have ducked??
Username37 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back
Thorgs Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back Why do blondes wear red lipstick? It means, stop, wrong hole!
cookie2 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Whats the difference between "light" and "hard"? You can sleep with the light on.
Thorgs Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 LITTLE RALPHY A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.' Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and suck ed the cone.' To which Little RALPHY r eplied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.' LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!' LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' RALPHY says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.' LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!' The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.' Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!' LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planne d a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.' She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'' LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
bboy Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . "You."
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