Reconnected with Ex - now what?

[Butterfly1111]

I am really in need of advice about how to proceed after contacting my ex. I haven't found any similar stories here yet.

 

My breakup story, in a nutshell, is this: I am a 32 year old, never been married. I dated a 40 year old man for 5 months. He had only been divorced for 8 months (has 2 kids) but swore that he was ready for a relationship. He caught his wife cheating on him, but told me there was really no love left, and after the papers went through, he was ready to find someone else. He dated several others before me, so I wasn't a rebound. I thought he was in love with me, we always had so much fun together and good chemistry. This man was wonderful to me, but very protective of his children (understandably so). He told me he had trouble in the past with women wanting to meet his children too fast, so I was very careful of not pushing that. I tried to keep conversation about his kids light, asking how they were but never prying or pushing. It was strange to me not meeting his kids because in the past, other men I have dated (not too many!) have been open to introducing me to their kids. I am a very professional women, love children, and I'm really good with kids. Anyhow, right before Christmas, he broke up with me unexpectedly. We had a discussion about New Years, he said that he couldn't be with me because he had his kids. I let him know I was disappointed, but I understood. It wasn't a big fight. Anyhow, he walked out my door, and I never saw him again! I called him twice but he didn't return the call.

After several weeks, I called him one final time. He called right back and said that the reason it wouldn't work is because I didn't ask him enough about his kids! I explained that I thought I was being respectful of boundaries, but he didn't want to hear it. He told me that because I had never been married or didn't have kids, that I was like other single women who are self-focused. Wow, I basically have worked in a service industry and volunteered my entire adult life, and in the relationship with him I was always concerned about him, treated him very well. I never gave him any crap for spending time with his kids (until I told him I was dissapointed we couldn't spend NYE together) or pulled any immature stunts to make him feel guilty. He also had a few other really lame reasons (like I didn't ask him enough about his deer hunting!) that didn't make sense. I didn't fight it, besides explaning the kid part. I hung up with him and didn't try calling him again. That was back in January.

 

Anyhow, I have not been able to forget him! I have carried on and enjoyed my life, but I loved him, and it was hard to just let go. I recently contacted him via email- a very short friendly email to say hello. He wrote back immediatley the next day. His email was pretty short, but he responded to my questions and asked me how my online dating was going.

I responded a few days later and told him vaguely and with a sense of humor about one experience, and then I asked him about his summer. He again responded, but this time 12 DAYS LATER! He finished that email with a question asking about my pets and how they are.

 

I decided to answer his questions, and then I put in there that I was happy to hear from him. I told him that I was okay with the breakup, it was for the best, and that I have always remained friendly with exes (true). I thought that would be the best way to disarm him and get him to not think I was trying to get back together or seem desperate. Now, it has been 13 days since I wrote that to him, and he has not responded. What I really want is a chance to have lunch with him, to see him again. I feel like he will really soften up if I can see him in person. I thought he would respond well to this but it seems to me he isn't interested.

 

What should I do? Should I just be forward and casually ask him to meet for lunch sometime? Should I locate his number (purged from my phone to avoid any impulse-calls) and give him a quick call to ask him to lunch? Or is the situation totally hopeless? I guess I got my hopes up when he responded quickly the first time and asked me about my dating life.... Please help me with my next move.

Edited August 9, 2010 by Butterfly1111

[Calendula]

My opinion is that you have nothing to lose by asking him out to lunch, preferably by phone, because he can't sit on it or ignore it like he can e-mail. Don't be afraid to tell him what you want, and that your interested. If things go well, then good. If not, then at least you'll know for sure, you'll have some sort of closure, and you'll be able to move on (hopefully).

 

As far as the rest of your story goes, it sounds to me like his excuses for breaking up with you were unfounded. Reading between the lines of what you said he said, I see fear. He'd been hurt in the past so I would bet that because things were going so well with you that he got scared and started to push you away. The way you described his reasons for ending things, it sounds like he was mostly blaming you ('you' didn't ask about this or that, so therefore 'we' didn't work = it is your fault and not mine). This is an immature, but relatively common, way to end things. Many people have so much trouble admitting that they might have an issue with something (like fear of intimacy or a new relationship) that it is easier for them to blame the other person (typically very shallow reasons), even if the other person did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

It also sounds to me like he is using his kids as leverage to keep you from getting close to him. First he tells you that he wants to be cautious about introducing you to them to protect them, which you respect, and then he turns around and says you weren't interested enough? Get real, and find some consistency. Probably anything you try and do regarding the kids will be taken the wrong way by him because he doesn't even know what he wants (in terms of your relationship with his children). If you really do want to try again with him, and he's interested in giving things a chance, you may want to have a talk early on about what YOU want your relationship with his children to be like. Personally, when dealing with a single parent, I've always taken the route of "I know I can never replace their mother, and I won't try, but I can try and be a good role model, advisor, and trusted friend to your children." Hopefully he would get it, and let you into that part of his life, but if he doesn't, and he continues to keep his relationship with his children separate from his relationship to you, then I predict that anything you try with him would be doomed from the beginning.

 

Good luck, and I hope things work out for you, whichever way things end up going.

[Butterfly1111]

Calendula, thank you for your well though-out response! I appreciate your consideration of my issue. I will probably end up asking him to lunch, but I have to work up the courage first and prepare myself for possible rejection again...

[czecze]

My opinion is that you have nothing to lose by asking him out to lunch, preferably by phone, because he can't sit on it or ignore it like he can e-mail. Don't be afraid to tell him what you want, and that your interested. If things go well, then good. If not, then at least you'll know for sure, you'll have some sort of closure, and you'll be able to move on (hopefully).

 

As far as the rest of your story goes, it sounds to me like his excuses for breaking up with you were unfounded. Reading between the lines of what you said he said, I see fear. He'd been hurt in the past so I would bet that because things were going so well with you that he got scared and started to push you away. The way you described his reasons for ending things, it sounds like he was mostly blaming you ('you' didn't ask about this or that, so therefore 'we' didn't work = it is your fault and not mine). This is an immature, but relatively common, way to end things. Many people have so much trouble admitting that they might have an issue with something (like fear of intimacy or a new relationship) that it is easier for them to blame the other person (typically very shallow reasons), even if the other person did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

It also sounds to me like he is using his kids as leverage to keep you from getting close to him. First he tells you that he wants to be cautious about introducing you to them to protect them, which you respect, and then he turns around and says you weren't interested enough? Get real, and find some consistency. Probably anything you try and do regarding the kids will be taken the wrong way by him because he doesn't even know what he wants (in terms of your relationship with his children). If you really do want to try again with him, and he's interested in giving things a chance, you may want to have a talk early on about what YOU want your relationship with his children to be like. Personally, when dealing with a single parent, I've always taken the route of "I know I can never replace their mother, and I won't try, but I can try and be a good role model, advisor, and trusted friend to your children." Hopefully he would get it, and let you into that part of his life, but if he doesn't, and he continues to keep his relationship with his children separate from his relationship to you, then I predict that anything you try with him would be doomed from the beginning.

 

Good luck, and I hope things work out for you, whichever way things end up going.

 

I agree, and good luck!

[Butterfly1111]

Do you think it was a mistake for me to write, "Its okay that we broke up, it was for the best..." ? I thought it would take pressure off him somehow, but maybe he was insulted or something.

[czecze]

Do you think it was a mistake for me to write, "Its okay that we broke up, it was for the best..." ? I thought it would take pressure off him somehow, but maybe he was insulted or something.

I very well may write like you, and I guess my "he" may also not like it.

But then I will think if he really cares for me, if I were that important to him, he would not care what I wrote and still want to be with me.

Actually, I have been involved in a situation similar to yours, involved with someone who has been hurt very much before and may have a trust issues, every time when things are going well, he would pull away, find some reasons to blame me for something.

[9Lives]

I think this issue going to continue to come up. men out of divorces are unpredictable and somewhat emotional coming out the gate.

 

he broke with you around the holidays and that really sucks then blamed it on you.

 

he may be a sweetheart but I think you are going to be dealing with his issues that really isn't your fault. that makes for a looooonnnnggg emotional love affair with headaches.

 

and don't ask him to lunch..your chasing and rejection sucks. I know!!!

[Butterfly1111]

Well, I will be having lunch with my ex. I called him, and he was happy to hear from me, and accepted the invitation quickly. At this point, I have mixed feelings. I am very happy to see him again, but I still feel hurt about everything that happened. I dont know what do expect from this lunch. I am not even sure if I am doing the right thing by seeing him, because of what happened. Do I let him talk about the breakup or do I deflect it in order to maintain a friendly meeting? Any advice about this would be appreciated.

[Calendula]

I thought these might give you a bit to think on:

 

"The alternative to no contact"- a list of suggestions for how to manage communication difficulties with an ex/dumper as the dumpee http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/

 

"What should I say" - a college guy wanting to get back with his now ex girlfriend who he loves but who has issues she needs to deal with on her own.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t242317/

 

My personal advice is to not expect anything. If you must expect something for your own mental sanity, expect to have a nice lunch talking about generalities and recent life developments for the two of you since you split. Keep the discussion mild and general, and not too personal. You'll be able to tell if he is at all interested in getting back together with you based on his body language, his expressions and his actions. Little need be said on such a topic other than mutually deciding whether or not to have lunch or dinner again some time. If you are interested you can make your interest known in subtle ways and with suggestions, which he will either respond to or ignore according to his leanings and feelings on the issue.

 

As far as you are concerned, this should be simply lunch with someone you once cared deeply for. If he says he wants to get back together with you, don't reply immediately and simply say that you need time to think about it. Say the same thing even if you are interested in possibly getting back together with him. Make a point of saying that you would like to spend time getting to know each other again. Take it slow and work on rebuilding the foundation of the relationship one brick at a time, paying special attention to areas where weaknesses pulled the two of you apart previously or led to you being hurt.

 

You are a different person now, and he needs to appreciate that, and respect that. He has hurt you in the past and he needs to fully understand how and why he hurt you in order to keep from doing it in the future. You don't have to be direct, offensive, and/or rub it in his face, but he does need to come to this realization in one way or another and appologize accordingly. You can't ever go back to the way things were before you two split, so you have to build on what you've got. You can forgive and you can forget, but you can't ever change what happened. The corrollary to this is that unless you and he are both willing and able to deal with what happened in the past, it is unlikely that the two of you will be able to forgive and forget and move on to a healthy future together.

 

Best of luck.

[lunita]

Try to deflect it. Remain calm and happy and don't let your emotions get the better of you. Act like you have you're life together but at the same time small hints to know you care I believe are also important. I'm curious to see what happens.

[Butterfly1111]

Here is basically what happened:

He was waiting for me when I got there, and he said, "give me a hug!" right away. We went and sat down, and right away I noticed something: he was talking to me and asking questions, but not looking directly at me. I would have thought this to be rude, but I will tell you that the very first time we went out on a date he did the same thing. I almost didn't go out with the guy again because I thought he was being rude. He didn't do that again on our second date and I asked him why he had done that. He told me he thought I was very attrractive and he was very nervous and didn't want to stare. Anyhow, he did the same thing this lunch.

 

He asked several questions about how I am, what is new, etc. And his fourth or fifth question was, "How is your love life? Are you still online dating?" I told him I was, had met some nice guys but not anything serious. He has asked me this two other times before, once on email and once on the phone about 5 days before this lunch happened. I never previously asked him if he was dating anyone because I didn't want him to think i was too interested. Anyhow, I decided to ask him this time. He told me he has not been on a date in three months. He said he is not actively pursuing anyone online but if someone contacts him that is fine. He also had told me how busy work was, and things with his kids, and also now is hunting season, so he said he didn't know if it was the best time for him to be online dating anyhow. He then said something really strange, he said, "Maybe I will just be alone for the rest of my life. Or, maybe I get into a fender bender tomorrow and meet the love of my life, you never know! Maybe I should just drive around hitting cute girls in their cars. . . " and laughed a little. Stupid joke, but I wondered why he said this?

I believe he wanted me to ask him about his dating life, because he knows I am still online but he asked me again so I would ask him. Now, I don't know if it was because he wanted to tell me he wasn't with anyone, or if he was trying to make it clear that he didn't want to date.

 

So we had some good conversation about many things, but it was a little awkward because he wasn't looking at me. I did catch him stealing glances whenever I was looking away. I think he was just very nervous.

 

Another comment he made was about his situation with his ex. He said that her friends don't know the truth about why they divorced (she cheated) and her friends think he is an *******. He said, 'Of course, I can be an *******, as you know now." To me, that was good to hear, but he didn't apologize.

 

When the check came, he grabbed it. I told him I could pay for my share, and he said, "No, we will do this again, and you can get it the next time," and winked at me.

 

So it was time to go, and we walked out to the car. He said, "It was really good seeing you again. Let's do this again." (He didn't say he would call or he didn't set another time to see each other.) He said, "Give me a hug," and he gave me a very warm but NOT lingering hug.

 

Anyhow, the whole time, he wasn't flirtatious or anything. I somewhat expected to see that he was really into me, but he was being VERY guarded. I don't know if he is just uninterested in me now, or he is being guarded because he is nervous. This man is good at playing up the male bravado and macho stuff when he gets stressed, and not too good at "feelings". God forbid he should be vulnerable.

 

So, I have not contacted him or anything. I guess I just wait and see if he ever contacts me....

 

What do you guys think about this?

[aerogurl87]

I just read "mind games" when I read your update. And you know what mind games are a signal for, time to move on. He didn't even have the decency to properly break up with you the first time and I wouldn't even wait around to see if he wanted another chance. The more time you waste on him, the longer it will take you to find a man who will love, respect, and treat you his one and only that he wants to start a family with.

[Sunny-side-up]

I think you're doing the right thing.... dont contact him. Let him do the chasing. You obviously had a good time and enjoyed each others company, so, if he wants more, he'll be in touch. Until then, go about your life as normal... keep dating other guys. Dont put everything on the back of you and him working out and if you do meet again just carry on as friends until steers the relationship in another direction.

 

I've ended relationships for the same reason he ended yours, youve made the right moves to show you're worth a second look, just keep going.

 

Good luck!

[Don Ho]

Sorry to be so blunt Sista, but he's just not that into you. So you have wasted how much time on this guy? This is the problem with not letting go and moving forward with your life; you just keep you wound open and on and on it goes. What's his problem? Who know and who cares. You certainly should not. I think he's over you and treating you like a friend, you are NOT over him and not thinking the same way. Come on Sista, you keep trying to analyze everything he says and does and latch on to something that gives you hope. That's YOUR bad. For whatever reason it did not work with him (his comment about his kids and hunting are just BS and not the real reason). You have two choices: finally let it go and move on with your life OR let the guessing, unknown and anguish continue. And your choice is??

[amie.wild]

"Discover how I got my ex back and never have to worry about relationship

problems ever again: http://www.payzeno.com/a/Aimcash/19 :)

[Don Ho]

"Discover how I got my ex back and never have to worry about relationship problems ever again: http://www.payzeno.com/a/Aimcash/19 :)

 

RIGHT!! Why would they waste their money on a book when they can get all the advice they want AND 24/7 support here on LS for FREE!??!

[Don Ho]

"Discover how I got my ex back and never have to worry about relationship problems ever again: http://www.payzeno.com/a/Aimcash/19 :)

 

Cool. But why would you buy that when you can get it here for FREE!!

[Butterfly1111]

Thanks for the comments. I will not wait around for him or chase him, I will continue to date, no worries there.

 

Don Ho, I appreciate your candor. You may be exactly right (in fact I believe you are right about the reasons for breaking up being BS). However, this was a guy who was insecure. Two weeks before the breakup he had told me he loved me for the first time, and being afraid myself, I didn't say it back. I did love the guy, I was just really nervous. I REALLY regret it. After that, things weren't exactly the same, and I always thought it might have had something to do with that. This is not someone I was chasing before at all, he was chasing. I think about that.

[Don Ho]

Nope. You're just grasping at straws and rationalizing. Did you ever think maybe he's not the guy for you? Like Tina Turner sings, "What's love got to do with it?" Move on Sista. Stop analyzing.