Update

[Spinning Head]

It's been almost one year since I posted about my situation. I thought my relationship with former MM was going well. He separated from his W in April 2009. They resolved all issues stemming from the dissolution of their marriage. They have little contact with each other at this point.

 

MM and I live just over an hour away. We see each other every weekend and usually once during the week. He usually travels to my house. He has been with me to all family events. He has a good relationship with my children. In fact, the past two weekends he has attended family birthdays.

 

We have taken trips together. He has planned a trip for us next month. He talked to me this weekend about things to do while on the trip.

 

In a nutshell, the relationship seems to be moving forward to the point we've discussed several times of sharing a future together.

 

So, I was stunned when I discovered today that MM is on a dating site. He has his photo posted, states that he is looking for a woman to share his life with, to have someone to travel with, etc. I figured out the password and found out that the post is two weeks old. He's been e-mailing women, exchanging photos, etc. I also found a post that he placed on another site.

 

I realize that I was the OW and, I guess, I'm getting what I deserve.

 

However, it does hurt tremendously.

 

And, I am a complete fool to think that I was any different than any other woman or that he truly had feelings for me.

[romango]

 

I realize that I was the OW and, I guess, I'm getting what I deserve.

 

 

Bingo!

 

You reap what you sow.

[Owl]

Sorry to hear about this, Spinning.

 

I'm not gonna play any "blame games" with you.

 

What's your plan from here? My suggestion would be that there's NO WAY you'll be able to develop trust with him at this point, given both his past actions against his wife and now those that he's doing to you.

 

What do you intend to do now? Confront, or just boot to the curb? Knowing how he lied to her in the past, how could you believe what he'd say to you now, in this circumstance?

 

I don't mean this to sound judgemental...I really don't. It's just hard to see how the trust could be rebuilt in your situation.

[norajane]

I think that is the risk with MM who actually do leave their wives. They're not necessarily looking to get hitched into another marriage right away.

 

Or the OW is their crutch while in the marriage and while getting out of the marriage...then, once they are whole, it's off to find another woman who isn't all wrapped up in his marital past, i.e., someone who offers something "shiny new" rather than who he already knows well and who knows him.

 

As for being lied to while he's off looking to cheat? Yes, another risk. MM is a practiced and accomplished liar...so many years of practice lying to the person closest to him both perfects his craft and inures him to the indecency of lying to the person closest to him.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. However, good on you for finding out now before wasting even more of your life on a guy like this.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think anyone deserves the pain of betrayel. Our consequences don't have to be the end of anything...it can be a new beginning.

[Confused4Now]

Holy Crap this blows!!! It amazes me but then again...there was a lot pain he went through dissolving his marriage. I think the only thing he could have been was upfront and honest with you that he wanted to date for a bit to make sure he doesn't jump into something more permanent. I could see that...That is the only downside of all of this...I think so...I did go out there and date and after all the stuff I still only cared to be wth my now xMW.

 

My focus is mostly on myself and kids right now.....BTW did you ever level set on your current arrangements? I mean did you ever ask him if he wanted to date other people? I know I would ask those questions so there are no surprises?

Edited August 9, 2010 by Confused4Now

[YellowShark]

Gosh. How many times have I read this exact scenario on Loveshack. 10? 20? 50?

 

Sorry to hear your troubles Spinning Head but if he cheats WITH you he will cheat ON you.

[Spinning Head]

Sorry to hear about this, Spinning.

 

I'm not gonna play any "blame games" with you.

 

What's your plan from here? My suggestion would be that there's NO WAY you'll be able to develop trust with him at this point, given both his past actions against his wife and now those that he's doing to you.

 

What do you intend to do now? Confront, or just boot to the curb? Knowing how he lied to her in the past, how could you believe what he'd say to you now, in this circumstance?

 

I don't mean this to sound judgemental...I really don't. It's just hard to see how the trust could be rebuilt in your situation.

 

 

Owl - I appreciate not playing any 'blame games' with me. I play those alone pretty well.

 

I am extremely hurt by his actions. I made a choice/decision to trust him. He made several comments, as recent as this past week, that our relationship was a way for him to have integrity in his life - he could be honest with me, felt comfortable telling me everything, etc. Obviously, that was a lie.

 

I put a profile on the personal site and looked at his profile. He actually sent an e-mail to me on the personal site. I couldn't respond because it is a paid site. So, I cut and pasted his profile and attached it to an an e-mail to him. His profile stated that he was looking for a long term relationship with a woman he wanted to share a future with, etc.

 

He's read my e-mail. He's called me but I'm not answering the phone. I did check the message that he left in which he sounded as if nothing was wrong and asked that I call him. I haven't called him.

 

I don't see how the trust could ever be repaired. He's made no effort to change. Just this past week, he was talking about how he has no relationship with his sons, his brother, his former brother-in-law, his best friend. He has saboatoged every relationship in his life with lies that hurt and broken trust.

[Mombot]

Some men like 2 of everything.

[Ellin]

Seems situations like this are not uncommon.

 

Could it be that when a MM gets out of the bonds of married life he passes through a phase of going a bit over the top with the new found "freedom"?

[fooled once]

I think that is the risk with MM who actually do leave their wives. They're not necessarily looking to get hitched into another marriage right away.

 

Or the OW is their crutch while in the marriage and while getting out of the marriage...then, once they are whole, it's off to find another woman who isn't all wrapped up in his marital past, i.e., someone who offers something "shiny new" rather than who he already knows well and who knows him.

 

As for being lied to while he's off looking to cheat? Yes, another risk. MM is a practiced and accomplished liar...so many years of practice lying to the person closest to him both perfects his craft and inures him to the indecency of lying to the person closest to him.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. However, good on you for finding out now before wasting even more of your life on a guy like this.

 

I agree with Nora. I mean, he did LIE to his wife about his affair with you, so it shows he has little morals or respect for those he considers 'important' in his life. This is why so many of us believe that MM are liars; they lie to the woman they chose to marry; so why on earth do so many OW think they won't lie to them? I mean, they love/loved their wives at some point. it is a rhetorical question so no need for some to jump up and down screaming about how "their" MM doesn't lie to them.

 

 

Owl - I appreciate not playing any 'blame games' with me. I play those alone pretty well.

 

I am extremely hurt by his actions. I made a choice/decision to trust him. He made several comments, as recent as this past week, that our relationship was a way for him to have integrity in his life - he could be honest with me, felt comfortable telling me everything, etc. Obviously, that was a lie.

 

I put a profile on the personal site and looked at his profile. He actually sent an e-mail to me on the personal site. I couldn't respond because it is a paid site. So, I cut and pasted his profile and attached it to an an e-mail to him. His profile stated that he was looking for a long term relationship with a woman he wanted to share a future with, etc.

 

He's read my e-mail. He's called me but I'm not answering the phone. I did check the message that he left in which he sounded as if nothing was wrong and asked that I call him. I haven't called him.

 

I don't see how the trust could ever be repaired. He's made no effort to change. Just this past week, he was talking about how he has no relationship with his sons, his brother, his former brother-in-law, his best friend. He has saboatoged every relationship in his life with lies that hurt and broken trust.

 

So he has no relationship with his OWN children, but you allowed him to have a close relationship with YOUR children? Isn't that kinda screwed up? What do you mean by he has made no effort to change? Do you mean that he has made no effort to stop lying and cheating?

 

I am sorry you are hurting; unfortunately, that seems to be what happens in most affairs once the blinders are off and the AP sees that this person isn't this great wonderful human being.

 

What caused you to illegally hack into his email? Because you saw he was on a dating site? How did you come to find out he was on a dating site? So you sent him an email, attaching the evidence from him on the dating site and now you aren't answering his calls? Why not? Confront him; tell him what a lying pig he is and be done with him.

 

Good luck.

[jj33]

Oh Spinning. I am so so so sorry. There are no words. I wouldnt even say you reap what you sow. He left, seemed to have resolved things with his wife, its just so disappointing.

 

Take good care

[Spinning Head]

I didn't illegally hack into his e-mail. I received an e-mail from a friend who saw him on the site so I went to the site, saw his profile, set up a dummy profile and looked at his profile on the site. He sent me an e-mail on the site for a photo.

 

I spoke to him tonight. He says he is sorry for what he did. He said it was inconsiderate. That we need to put it behind us and move forward.

 

Am I missing something? I told him that he's obviously looking for something that is lacking in our relationship. Why take the time to join a site, post photos, fill out a profile that states you are looking for a long term relationship and wants to share the future with a woman?

 

He stated that he reopened the account today. Apparently, it was an account that had been opened previously, he closed it, then reopened. I commented that that made things even worse.

 

At this point, I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I don't see how I ever will.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Am I missing something? I told him that he's obviously looking for something that is lacking in our relationship.

 

You aren't the one missing something - it looks to me that he is looking for something missing inside himself that he won't ever likely find.

 

You can't help him find that, nor will providing him with the best relationship in the world. Only he can figure that out, and it sounds like he would rather keep filling the void rather than looking to fix it.

 

You have a choice with these emotional black holes: you can get away from them, or you can be lost inside of them.

[norajane]

He stated that he reopened the account today. Apparently, it was an account that had been opened previously, he closed it, then reopened. I commented that that made things even worse.

If he'd closed the account before, then he obviously set up the account before...either while he was married and/or while he was married AND seeing you, or while he was seeing you as his marriage dissolved. Is he actually divorced at this time? You didn't say divorced.

 

Anyway, for him to re-open it, he had a reason. And then he actually emailed the profile you set up, so he's actively LOOKING TO MEET OTHER WOMEN. You aren't the only woman he emailed, I'm sure.

 

No, you aren't missing anything here.

[jwi71]

I spoke to him tonight. He says he is sorry for what he did. He said it was inconsiderate.

 

Inconsiderate? Jackazz. HE gets caught cheating on you and his reply is "inconsiderate"?

 

HE has no concept of fidelity. None.

 

That we need to put it behind us and move forward.

 

If cheating on you wasn't a red flag then THIS is. Every BS has heard this. What it really means is a highly developed emotional immaturity. An inability to face things - aka running away. This is NOT a good thing.

 

Am I missing something?

 

The only one lacking is him.

 

I told him that he's obviously looking for something that is lacking in our relationship. Why take the time to join a site, post photos, fill out a profile that states you are looking for a long term relationship and wants to share the future with a woman?

 

That's HIS nature. His demonstrated it time and again...you KNOW this.

 

At this point, I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I don't see how I ever will.

 

You may be better off in infidelity where the support for the BS (that's you) is better. But, you have to make a decision. Continue your R with him or not.

 

I am VERY sorry this has happened to you.

You didn't deserve it. No one ever does.

 

My advice, and you won't like it, is to walk. He has a long history of cheating and it ain't changing.

[lolapalooza]

He left his M for greener pastures. He wants to make sure you are the greener pasture, and that someone else isn't greener, kwim? Doesn't make it right, but there you have it.

[flying]

Wow. So, I just finished reading your whole story. My goodness - you have given this guy opportunity after opportunity and he keeps lying to you...with the occasional "I'm in love with love," "I prefer the courtship phase," "I'm an ______" breakthrough of honesty. And that's nothing compared to the chances his wife gave him. No wonder she's pissed. You are both in the same boat, in a sense - you keep thinking he's better than he is.

 

Looking at the whole story in context, Spinning, this creating online profiles and looking for new people to date is actually entirely consistent behavior on his part. He's doing what he has always done - lying to cover his butt, and keeping his options open. Please, go back and read your own threads as a reminder...it's really something.

 

At this point, his lying isn't the real tragedy. I say this with concern, truly...but isn't it high time you stopped lying to yourself?? You are doing an amazing amount of harm to yourself.

 

This man is never going to change. He is a serial cheater, cheated all through his marriage, only most recently with you, had a child with one of those OW, and is just going to keep this behavior going because it's what he does. Just because he finally got up the nerve to leave his marriage doesn't mean he'll ever get up the nerve to have only one woman (or man?? Didn't you say in a previous thread that he sent nude pics of himself to a guy at one point on a dating site - while he was married and also dating you??).

 

Please free yourself once and for all. He may have chosen to leave his wife, but he will never, ever pick just you. He doesn't pick one person. If that's something you can honestly live with, then accept that with eyes open. But it doesn't sound like that's what you want. You keep getting blindsided, but that doesn't make any sense - because at this point, I think it is your responsibility to stop lying to yourself.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow. So, I just finished reading your whole story. My goodness - you have given this guy opportunity after opportunity and he keeps lying to you...with the occasional "I'm in love with love," "I prefer the courtship phase," "I'm an ______" breakthrough of honesty. And that's nothing compared to the chances his wife gave him. No wonder she's pissed. You are both in the same boat, in a sense - you keep thinking he's better than he is.

 

Looking at the whole story in context, Spinning, this creating online profiles and looking for new people to date is actually entirely consistent behavior on his part. He's doing what he has always done - lying to cover his butt, and keeping his options open. Please, go back and read your own threads as a reminder...it's really something.

 

At this point, his lying isn't the real tragedy. I say this with concern, truly...but isn't it high time you stopped lying to yourself?? You are doing an amazing amount of harm to yourself.

 

This man is never going to change. He is a serial cheater, cheated all through his marriage, only most recently with you, had a child with one of those OW, and is just going to keep this behavior going because it's what he does. Just because he finally got up the nerve to leave his marriage doesn't mean he'll ever get up the nerve to have only one woman (or man?? Didn't you say in a previous thread that he sent nude pics of himself to a guy at one point on a dating site - while he was married and also dating you??).

 

Please free yourself once and for all. He may have chosen to leave his wife, but he will never, ever pick just you. He doesn't pick one person. If that's something you can honestly live with, then accept that with eyes open. But it doesn't sound like that's what you want. You keep getting blindsided, but that doesn't make any sense - because at this point, I think it is your responsibility to stop lying to yourself.

 

 

Excellent post. Though I wanted to say these things, coming from most BS it would be seen as kicking someone when they are down. I knew her whole story and this person hasn't changed anything about themselves. It also appears they don't want to change anything. I have seen it on here a number of times, "When someone shows you who they are...believe them."

[flying]

"When someone shows you who they are...believe them."

 

I love this quote. And it is so applicable here.

[BB07]

I love this quote. And it is so applicable here.

 

It is a great quote.......by Maya Angelou.

 

Here is another one that I like. " There's a world of difference between truth and facts. Facts can obscure truth."

[OWoman]

He has saboatoged every relationship in his life with lies that hurt and broken trust.

 

Spinning, I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

This man is seriously broken. Humpty-dumpty broken. You might love him, but you can't fix him. You'll just get your fingers stuck together with superglue while trying.

 

He needs help. Let him get it, and then - if you're still around, if you're still interested - he might have a shot at a proper R with you. But for now, you need to be taking care of YOU.

 

((((hugs))))

[Mimolicious]

Inconsiderate? Jackazz. HE gets caught cheating on you and his reply is "inconsiderate"?

 

HE has no concept of fidelity. None.

 

 

 

If cheating on you wasn't a red flag then THIS is. Every BS has heard this. What it really means is a highly developed emotional immaturity. An inability to face things - aka running away. This is NOT a good thing.

 

 

 

The only one lacking is him.

 

 

 

That's HIS nature. His demonstrated it time and again...you KNOW this.

 

 

 

You may be better off in infidelity where the support for the BS (that's you) is better. But, you have to make a decision. Continue your R with him or not.

 

I am VERY sorry this has happened to you.

You didn't deserve it. No one ever does.

 

My advice, and you won't like it, is to walk. He has a long history of cheating and it ain't changing.

 

Wonder if you missed the part that he actually had a W and left her to be with Spinning? So how is she his BS?

 

Listen, it is not rocket science... He is a cheater, you know it, he will do it with you and has proven that will do it TO YOU. There is your answer.

Either you keep on feeding on his empty words or end seeing him and find someone worth your time. I am sorry that you are hurting. It happens to the best of us, just count your blessings. Better now than being married to this idiot and with 3 kids. He's shown you want a lousy father and H he could be when he walked out on his family for you. Good luck!

[jwi71]

Wonder if you missed the part that he actually had a W and left her to be with Spinning? So how is she his BS?

 

Yes, you are correct. And no, I didn't miss it. I remember her story. I remember replying to her back then in fact.

Perhaps I should have said "fOW who became the GF whom he cheated on"?

 

Nah...BS sums it up nicely.

 

 

Anything else to add?

[torranceshipman]

It's been almost one year since I posted about my situation. I thought my relationship with former MM was going well. He separated from his W in April 2009. They resolved all issues stemming from the dissolution of their marriage. They have little contact with each other at this point.

 

MM and I live just over an hour away. We see each other every weekend and usually once during the week. He usually travels to my house. He has been with me to all family events. He has a good relationship with my children. In fact, the past two weekends he has attended family birthdays.

 

We have taken trips together. He has planned a trip for us next month. He talked to me this weekend about things to do while on the trip.

 

In a nutshell, the relationship seems to be moving forward to the point we've discussed several times of sharing a future together.

 

So, I was stunned when I discovered today that MM is on a dating site. He has his photo posted, states that he is looking for a woman to share his life with, to have someone to travel with, etc. I figured out the password and found out that the post is two weeks old. He's been e-mailing women, exchanging photos, etc. I also found a post that he placed on another site.

 

I realize that I was the OW and, I guess, I'm getting what I deserve.

 

However, it does hurt tremendously.

 

And, I am a complete fool to think that I was any different than any other woman or that he truly had feelings for me.

 

So sorry to hear that you are going through this....

 

Wow, just having read through this post...this guy has a personality problem! To lie to this extent without any conscience? The fact that he admitted to having no R/alienating his own sons, and everyone else is a good giveaway: he messes up everything that he touches R-wise, and is not to be trusted.

Edited August 10, 2010 by torranceshipman