Not sure what to think of this

[LuckyCharm]

My DH just got a great paying job that needs him to travel alot so I stay home with our toddler.

It's been really hard on the 3 of us, our Daughter is too little to understand why he's not home much. DH does come home every week and was told he'd get 2 days off work but lately his company has been calling to work 6 days a week. I'm very greatfull he has work but it's very stressful for us since we don't have much time to be together.

 

Anyhow, last night we wanted to have sex and he asked if we start out doggy style, now I really HATE that position and he knows it but since we haven't been able to see each other much and I wanted to make him happy I said o.k that I'm willing to try it again...didn't go so well when we did, he kept asking me to bend over more which didn't feel comfortable at all and felt as if he was about to slip out. so I agreed to do the same position just a bit differently to see if would help but it didn't at all. I just really hate that position. so then he said we'll start over only in missionary (sp?) and asked if we can go back to doggy soon and I said o.k but I could tell he was loosing interest and he just pulled out mumbled some thing and went down stairs to the computer. I just felt shock he would leave like that and felt kind of hurt. so a few minutes later I went down stairs, and walked past him to get something, he just looked at me and didn't say anything and went back up stairs.

A few minutes later DH came up and said he's sorry and not to feel bad about it. I didn't say anything to him and he just left. Later I had to go down stairs again and he left the computer to go to the kitchen so since I only was wear his shirt and panties I thought I would stand and bend a bit over to type on the computer since that always does that for him but now it's was like nothing he just said "I was in the middle of something I need the computer back.":mad: as I was about to go back up I just said "Why can't we just have sex??!" and said he just lost interest. I said "Look, I know that I'm not the best at sex and not the best you ever had but I really wanted us to be together tonight!" he didn't say anything, didn't even look at me. I just felt hurt and went up stairs.

 

This morning I just felt really sad and hardly talked to him and just asked him to spend sometime with our Daughter before he had to leave, he didn't, he just sat in front of the computer downloading music into him MP3. when he was about to leave I told him to give out Daughter a hug and noticed I wasn't jumping into hug and kiss him and asked me whats wrong and if it's about last night, I told him I'm not sure...so he just left and now I don't know what to think. I feel like a failure to him in bed.

 

Am I right to be feeling this way or should I just forget about this?

[Confused_in_canada]

Wow, I've never walked out of sex. Ever! That's bad. Has to be mutually enjoyable for both involved but, when it isn't it's not fun at all. I can't believe he just walked out.

 

Something must be bothering him. Stressed at work? Did he see something in a Porno that he wanted to try with you? Is he into mixing it up? IE Trying new things???

 

Hopefully he'll talk to you about it maybe wants to try new things....

 

Just approach it lightly, guys get funny when we're approached about sex. Especially if we don't see anything wrong with our actions.

[LuckyCharm]

Wow, I've never walked out of sex. Ever! That's bad. Has to be mutually enjoyable for both involved but, when it isn't it's not fun at all. I can't believe he just walked out.

 

Something must be bothering him. Stressed at work? Did he see something in a Porno that he wanted to try with you? Is he into mixing it up? IE Trying new things???

 

Hopefully he'll talk to you about it maybe wants to try new things....

 

Just approach it lightly, guys get funny when we're approached about sex. Especially if we don't see anything wrong with our actions.

 

Thank you very much for your reply!

He is stressed by work, not the actual work but the fact that he needs to stay in hotels and travel alot, plus our financial situation isn't looking that good yet.

As far as i know he doesn't watch any porno, I told him I don't like it and he says he hasn't watched it since I asked him not to.

He does like to mix things up, I not so much but I am willing to try new things, I just know what works for me best in bed.

 

DH comes home in 2 more day so I still have some time, I'm not really hurt by the fact that he walked out on sex but more to the part which I thought he would reassure me that I'm not that bad in bed...

[young&inlove]

Hmm... Maybe.... Get a sitter for the weekend and have him come home to you in something that makes you feel hot. Not only that will make you feel hot, but that will make you feel not yourself. I don’t know if that makes any sense. Like a costume. Something that will make you want to try new things because your not you in that moment. Have a sexy night planned with him, including the candles, choco strawberries, the whole SHABANG!

 

Also, while he is gone, you can video chat with him. My dad travels ALOT too. My parents would do cute little things like read the newspaper with each other over Skype and stuff. I don’t know. Traveling is hard. It took a toll with my parent’s marriage but they have kept working on it and are back on the right track.

[LuckyCharm]

Thanks, the skype sounds great but he doesn't have a laptop, he uses the computers in the lobby.

 

That's another great idea, funny you say that cause last night when we just got started we were telling each other what we wanna do and I told him I wanna buy something sexy to wear for him, he really loved that idea. thing is we'll have to wait since our money situation is very bad right now....

[nddb]

He doesn't get excited in missionary position.

 

It's human to have preference.

 

So he can't perform in certain position and lose interest. What can you do.

 

Question: Why do you hate that doggy position? There are things my wife wants me to do that is not the most exciting for me, or very tiring on the jaw or whatever. But I do them. For long long time until she gets satisfied. And act like I love them too. That's part of fulfilling each other's needs and desires.

 

Our time together is so precious, I want to make her happy. What is it about doggy that is so bad that you can't compromise?

Edited August 9, 2010 by nddb

[LuckyCharm]

My biggest reason for not liking doggy-style is because it makes me feel stupid about myself, I don't like how it feels, plus I can't see my DH in that position.

DH says he really likes seeing me in that position but for me I feel humiliated and uncomfortable. the closes position to doggy style would have to laying on my side and him from behind which we both found it was a great position. I did offer to be in that position but he didn't really say anything...

 

There are other positions that aren't my favorite either but if he asks me to do them I'm more than willing.

[nddb]

My biggest reason for not liking doggy-style is because it makes me feel stupid about myself, I don't like how it feels, plus I can't see my DH in that position.

DH says he really likes seeing me in that position but for me I feel humiliated and uncomfortable. the closes position to doggy style would have to laying on my side and him from behind which we both found it was a great position. I did offer to be in that position but he didn't really say anything...

 

There are other positions that aren't my favorite either but if he asks me to do them I'm more than willing.

 

Not sure I can relate but others will tell you you are entitled to stand your ground. I see it as pointless. If a spouse can't compromise and fulfill, who will? (or someone else will!)

 

My wife first "O" takes a while to get to, and she STRONGLY prefers it oral.

 

I time it. It averages 23 minutes over years and years of doing it.

 

Try 23 minutes (honest 23 minutes) of using one's tongue and doing it hard and fast, and you know the meaning of lock jaw/exhausted. My tongue literally is cramped. My neck kills me. Every time.

 

Her second and third and subsequent ones take much less time. Thank god. Like 20 seconds.

 

I tried using finger, my member, etc., and she said it's nice but not "the best" O.

 

Truth be told, after the first few minutes, there is very little that I feel during those 20+ minutes beside the feeling that I'm pleasing my wife and she loves it. Nobody touches me, and she's off in la-la land. And she wants to see me at it enthusiastically as if I couldn't help myself getting to it. So I deliver.

 

It's her favorite, and so I learned to work with it. For nearly 20 years now.

 

Again, I could stand my ground and insist on my not wanting to wear out my tongue/neck with so little stimulation going my way for such a long period of time during that act. And she probably would accept it. But what did I gain?

 

P.S. This may seem funny but during our 11th year, we were designing/building our new house. During those 20 minutes, I'd review the building plan in my mind and even came up with the idea of a combined kitchen/reading nook and also our landscape. It got revised in my mind and features got added during those sessions. It got built and created. People thought the design was brilliant. The landscaping needs very little maintenance but look classy. I haven't told anyone where/how/when I contemplated/worked on those designs. Yep, during those times.

Edited August 9, 2010 by nddb

[xxoo]

He doesn't get excited in missionary position.

 

It's human to have preference.

 

So he can't perform in certain position and lose interest. What can you do.

 

Question: Why do you hate that doggy position? There are things my wife wants me to do that is not the most exciting for me, or very tiring on the jaw or whatever. But I do them. For long long time until she gets satisfied. And act like I love them too. That's part of fulfilling each other's needs and desires.

 

Our time together is so precious, I want to make her happy. What is it about doggy that is so bad that you can't compromise?

 

nddb--I agree with what you are saying here...

 

but....

 

Why isn't her H expected to give her the same consideration? Why isn't it equally ok for her to have a human preference?

 

I don't think the problem here is ultimately about sex at all. It is about communication and mutual respect. Who just walks out during sex??? That's the adult equivalent of "I'm taking my toys and going home"

 

LuckyCharm, how is the communication in your marriage in general? How do you handle and resolve conflict?

[LuckyCharm]

nddb, I'm sure it's not your intentions are good but it makes me feel like I'm not a good wife for not wanting that position. trust me, I am willing to do many others that I'm not all that comfortable with to please him.

 

 

nddb--I agree with what you are saying here...

 

but....

 

Why isn't her H expected to give her the same consideration? Why isn't it equally ok for her to have a human preference?

 

I don't think the problem here is ultimately about sex at all. It is about communication and mutual respect. Who just walks out during sex??? That's the adult equivalent of "I'm taking my toys and going home"

 

LuckyCharm, how is the communication in your marriage in general? How do you handle and resolve conflict?

 

Thank you xxoo! he keeps on complaining I'm not willing to do doggy-style when our sex life isn't all that great, he will foreplay but not all that good and I try lots of times telling him what I like, he'll do it then but next time we have sex it's like it went into one ear and came out the other...

 

Also I should mention when we were dating he would ask me for oral which I did yet he never returned the favor...I asked him if he could preform oral on me too but he always had an excuse why not...which drove me crazy thinking maybe I don't taste good, stink or maybe he had a bad experience. we had many talks about it and he told me he's never really tried it, that former ex gf's would give him oral he just never returned the favor, he told me I didn't stink or smell bad and that he didn't hate it....So I mean go figure, he's not willing to give oral when he never really tried it (something I liked that most btw) yet I have tried doggy-style for him many times I just really really hate it.

[nddb]

nddb, I'm sure it's not your intentions are good but it makes me feel like I'm not a good wife for not wanting that position. trust me, I am willing to do many others that I'm not all that comfortable with to please him.

 

 

 

 

Thank you xxoo! he keeps on complaining I'm not willing to do doggy-style when our sex life isn't all that great, he will foreplay but not all that good and I try lots of times telling him what I like, he'll do it then but next time we have sex it's like it went into one ear and came out the other...

 

Also I should mention when we were dating he would ask me for oral which I did yet he never returned the favor...I asked him if he could preform oral on me too but he always had an excuse why not...which drove me crazy thinking maybe I don't taste good, stink or maybe he had a bad experience. we had many talks about it and he told me he's never really tried it, that former ex gf's would give him oral he just never returned the favor, he told me I didn't stink or smell bad and that he didn't hate it....So I mean go figure, he's not willing to give oral when he never really tried it (something I liked that most btw) yet I have tried doggy-style for him many times I just really really hate it.

 

 

Then the problem is also on his part for lack of consideration for your feelings and wants.

 

It seems you two have issues other than sex (like thoughtlessness and lack of consideration on his part and a bit of lack of flexibility on your part), and sexual positions are just the battleground he (and you) chose to fight it on.

 

You yourself said you don't want to do doggy because your sex life isn't all that great. So you are withholding his favorite because he sucks at others. A logical approach, but the tit-for-tat doesn't solve problem.

 

Haul you both to MC because I suspect (and it seems to be the case) that the issues go beyond just sexual positions.

 

A spouse in a happy, mutually satisfying relationship would go to great lengths to make the other happy, a little pain and suffering be damned. It seems that he (and you) are digging in, and it's time to get a third person to unstuck things.

 

Best of luck (and I mean that sincerely)

[BellaBellaBella]

Seems like you like sex for intimacy. However, sometimes sex is just fun. My understanding is there can be deeper pentration.

 

Personally, I would have been gutted, if my husband did this and I would have let him know. I who is not a crier would have been sobbing my eyes out.

[Corporate]

Thank you very much for your reply!

He is stressed by work, not the actual work but the fact that he needs to stay in hotels and travel alot, plus our financial situation isn't looking that good yet....

 

Maybe he is getting some exciting tails from other sources and that's why he didn't care that much whether or not he gets it from you, hence the stop in the middle of it.

[LuckyCharm]

You yourself said you don't want to do doggy because your sex life isn't all that great. So you are withholding his favorite because he sucks at others. A logical approach, but the tit-for-tat doesn't solve problem.

 

I can see your point but I would never hold something against him just cause he sucks at other. that position is really something I hate and tried it on different times. last time trying it before last night was not so long ago, I dressed up for him, did my makeup and hair...so I do think I am trying

 

Seems like you like sex for intimacy. However, sometimes sex is just fun. My understanding is there can be deeper pentration.

 

Personally, I would have been gutted, if my husband did this and I would have let him know. I who is not a crier would have been sobbing my eyes out.

 

It is a lot about intimacy but I do like to make it fun.

Tell me about it, I'm also one who's not a crier but last night and today I was crying, not a lot but still it really does hurt.

 

Maybe he is getting some exciting tails from other sources and that's why he didn't care that much whether or not he gets it from you, hence the stop in the middle of it.

 

I trust him and I really doubt it he's getting it some where else. if you mean a hooker then we really but I mean really don't think there's any way since he doesn't carry much money on him (not even checks and stuff like that), he works from about 12pm till 22:00pm so there's not much time since he gets back to his room late and draws in his sketch book.

[Enema]

When he went down to the computer he probably finished himself off since sex with you is boring on account of the prudishness.

 

Then, when you came down looking for emotional support *man groan* he couldn't care less anymore because he was post-cum asexual.

 

Sex isn't as easy for men as it is for women, a lot of men need stimulation specific to their desires to perform - he's obviously not getting what he needs to suffer through missionary.

[BellaBellaBella]

There is an old saying that say:

 

For women to have sex they need love and for men to feel love they need sex.

 

I am married and sometimes it just isn't all about what I like and my need for intimacy during the actual act. I would never allow myself to be hurt during sexual intimacy. Lots of women cannot orgasm during intercourse, and they do so before or after the act. Sometimes the intimacy occurs after during the afterglow.

 

Okay, so you don't like that postition, you can't see his face. Does it always have to be about you? I don't mean to be harsh. Truly, I don't

but if you want to have a better sex life, you can't always shut him down and stay in one postition.

 

I would also say, communication is the key here. Sounds like your at the wits end with the husband and the baby from your posts. From experience I can tell you both will feel it.

 

JMO

[flying]

When he went down to the computer he probably finished himself off since sex with you is boring on account of the prudishness.

 

Then, when you came down looking for emotional support *man groan* he couldn't care less anymore because he was post-cum asexual.

 

Sex isn't as easy for men as it is for women, a lot of men need stimulation specific to their desires to perform - he's obviously not getting what he needs to suffer through missionary.

 

I might agree with this (notwithstanding the bit about sex not being as easy for men as for women - oh get real) except that he won't go down on her. So it's not like he's so good, giving and game. Dan Savage would not approve.

 

I do think, OP, that you might give the position a chance, since he enjoys it. It can be hot and you don't always have to stare your partner in the face. An open mind is a good thing. BUT you should also be direct about what you want, and don't let him get away with brushing that aside the way he has done.

 

And this walking away in the middle to go downstairs and pout is BS and childish.

Edited August 10, 2010 by flying

[Corporate]

 

I trust him and I really doubt it he's getting it some where else. if you mean a hooker then we really but I mean really don't think there's any way since he doesn't carry much money on him (not even checks and stuff like that), he works from about 12pm till 22:00pm so there's not much time since he gets back to his room late and draws in his sketch book.

 

Are you saying that there are no females at his work? No customers/clients who are female? Are you saying that he never goes out for lunch or to the bar? Are you saying that there are no female workers at the hotel or no customers at this hotel he's staying who are female?

 

Do you know there are hookup sites for singles (or pretend to be singles) and for married people looking for affairs?

[Plan 9 from OS]

My biggest reason for not liking doggy-style is because it makes me feel stupid about myself, I don't like how it feels, plus I can't see my DH in that position.

DH says he really likes seeing me in that position but for me I feel humiliated and uncomfortable. the closes position to doggy style would have to laying on my side and him from behind which we both found it was a great position. I did offer to be in that position but he didn't really say anything...

 

There are other positions that aren't my favorite either but if he asks me to do them I'm more than willing.

 

Hi, first time posting to these forums. I'm married with kids so I have some background in marriage.

 

In a perfect world, couples would be able to try out a variety of acts and positions in the bedroom in an open way and be able to determine a repertoire of their favorites that both can enjoy. However, the majority of us do not communicate enough to our spouses, and we are all guilty of this at one time or another. I put in bold a part of your post that both of you should communicate more about.

 

 

1. First, if the position is painful to you, then that should be a deal breaker that your H should be understanding about. However, if it just feels like its annoying or doesn't do anything for you, then it becomes more about whether you can make a compromise to do this for him in exchange for him doing something for you that you may really like.
   
2. Second, you don't like this position because you cannot see his face. I get the fact that women view sex differently than men, where as someone stated earlier that men see sex as an act that validates them while women "give sex" after they feel validated. This is another area for compromise. This may sound weird, but what if you would put a mirror in a strategic location in the bedroom where the next time you do the "doggy style" position you will be able to see his face. But both of you could see "much more", i.e. you will be able to not only see his face but you will also be able to see the pleasure that you are giving to him with this position. On the flip side, he may like the idea of seeing himself pleasuring his wife and the 2 of you may hit upon a "sexual feedback loop" for lack of better terms.
   
3. Third, you feel that this position humiliates you. What does this mean specifically? Is it that you feel stupid or do you think you look funny being on "all fours"? If this is the problem, then I think you could take solace in the fact that your husband does NOT see you as looking rediculous - he sees you as desirable and sexy in this position. Men are visual creatures, and you likely already know that he is a "butt man" (as opposed to a "boob man" or the "leg man"). He must enjoy the curve of your backside and how it gracefully transitions into the back of your legs - or something like that. However, if your feelings of humiliation is coming from feelings that he is "dominating" you or just using you, then you are not being validated as a woman in your eyes, which I think is fair to ask your hubby to not do this position. You need to explain these reasons to him if it is in fact that you are feeling "used" and "abused" by the husband. I'm guessing that you are not feeling dominated because you seem to enjoy sex when spooning.
   

That's my take. Sorry I was so long.

[BlackLovely]

Are you saying that there are no females at his work? No customers/clients who are female? Are you saying that he never goes out for lunch or to the bar? Are you saying that there are no female workers at the hotel or no customers at this hotel he's staying who are female?

 

Do you know there are hookup sites for singles (or pretend to be singles) and for married people looking for affairs?

This is the reason I would not marry a man who travels a lot.

 

I have a lot of trust issues from watching every husband in my family, proudly talk about their mistresses. It's so bad that I don't believe that any man can be faithful.

 

As much as the OP trusts her hubby, I would advise her to be wary.