GrayClouds Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 A study was done trying to understand why some people handle setbacks better then others. It found that people who are unskilled at differentiating their bad feelings are more likely to dwell on those feelings and misinterpret them--actually making them worse. The study suggest, the better we are at trying to figure out the specific emotion we are feeling and addressing that emotion, the better we can find a way to get over the feeling. With a break-up we feel so many emotions, it is initially overwhelming to address them. We just want to feel better, get past them, but it is the ability to face them and address each individually at the time we feel them will give us the progress for which we are hoping. It means teaching yourself to separate them, to look at each feeling at the time we are feeling it: this is loneliness, sadness, boredom, horniness, this embarrassment, rejection abandonment, and so on. As we do this, the better we can find a solution for that particular feeling, and slowly, move through to a better place. It cognitively trying moving beyond "I feel bad and I am too overwhelmed by them" to "It is this negative feeling and this is how I will address it" By breaking up your emotions into specificity they they become a manageable item to address. When a wave of hurt hits you, break it down; Ask yourself, "What is the specific emotional I am feeling?""How can I address this emotion successfully"Then put the answer into action. It is not a one time deal, it is a repetitious and continual process, but with each time we become stronger, and move you past "the overwhelming" to "the manageable". .
bonpaw2008 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 When a wave of hurt hits you, break it down; Ask yourself, "What is the specific emotional I am feeling?""How can I address this emotion successfully"Then put the answer into action.. Ok - help me put this into practice, this morning my specific emotion was rejection/abandonment, how he could just walk away and not care anymore? To address this emotion successfully I say .... I am stuck here, do I say that I didn't do anything to cause the abandonment, or that this rejection should not be my fault? Stuck ....
Author GrayClouds Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 (edited) Ok - help me put this into practice, this morning my specific emotion was rejection/abandonment, how he could just walk away and not care anymore? To address this emotion successfully I say .... I am stuck here, do I say that I didn't do anything to cause the abandonment, or that this rejection should not be my fault? Stuck .... Feeling: rejected/abandoned.... How to address it: What would make me feel are worthy and wanted? Suggestions: How about make a dinner date with a friend, call up a family member who you have not talked to in sometime who would be happy to hear from you, call up a non-profit and ask them if thy want a new volunteer, go buy the book Journey form Abandonment to Healing by Anderson. Action: Pick one, or two or three and go do it It is about focusing on the solution not the feeling and empowering yourself to care for yourself to make yourself feel better. And if you can not do the action then the issue is why do you hold on to that feeling so strongly, why to you let that feeling define you. Edited August 9, 2010 by GrayClouds
mickleb Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Ok - help me put this into practice, this morning my specific emotion was rejection/abandonment, how he could just walk away and not care anymore? To address this emotion successfully I say .... I am stuck here, do I say that I didn't do anything to cause the abandonment, or that this rejection should not be my fault? Stuck .... There are many things you can do to address the feeling of abandonment. These include: writing down all the people who have contributed to you feeling in this way in your life / specific incidences of when you felt abandoned and then identifying what you did previously that helped with that feeling. Then get on with them. If you felt significantly abandoned by someone in your life, it may be worth seeking therapy to address any unresolved issues left by that relationship. Thirdly, you may well have contributed, possibly subconsciously, to being abandoned. We often create what we fear, in our lives. You may have come across as needy or clingy when you sensed your ex pulling away from you. If someone pulls away from us, it is usually best to give them space and focus on our own lives. What activities and interests can you include in your life, now, that you can turn to, in the future, if (when?) you feel like this again? Hope this helps. x
bonpaw2008 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Feeling: rejected/abandoned.... How to address it: What would make me feel are worthy and wanted? Suggestions: How about make a dinner date with a friend, call up a family member who you have not talked to in sometime who would be happy to hear from you, call up a non-profit and ask them if thy want a new volunteer, go buy the book Journey form Abandonment to Healing by Anderson. Action: Pick one, or two or three and go do it It is about focusing on the solution not the feeling and empowering yourself to care for yourself to make yourself feel better. And if you can not do the action then the issue is why do you hold on to that feeling so strongly, why to you let that feeling define you. OK cool so I get that we are addressing the feeling by how to solve feeling this way and start feeling better...how about some suggestions of succeeding when you are really just stuck with yourself, it is midnight or 6 am and you can't call anyone... I want to build these for all of the feelings that I have experienced so I have somewhere to go and remember what I am supposed to be doing
Author GrayClouds Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 There are many things you can do to address the feeling of abandonment. These include: writing down all the people who have contributed to you feeling in this way in your life / specific incidences of when you felt abandoned and then identifying what you did previously that helped with that feeling. Then get on with them. If you felt significantly abandoned by someone in your life, it may be worth seeking therapy to address any unresolved issues left by that relationship. Thirdly, you may well have contributed, possibly subconsciously, to being abandoned. We often create what we fear, in our lives. You may have come across as needy or clingy when you sensed your ex pulling away from you. If someone pulls away from us, it is usually best to give them space and focus on our own lives. What activities and interests can you include in your life, now, that you can turn to, in the future, if (when?) you feel like this again? Hope this helps. x Very good point Mic, understanding where the feeling is REALLY coming from.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 If someone pulls away from us, it is usually best to give them space and focus on our own lives. What activities and interests can you include in your life, now, that you can turn to, in the future, if (when?) you feel like this again? Hope this helps. x Thanks Mick - this did really help as well, just making sure I understood the concept and that the "success" that we are striving for is happiness within our own lives and the solution for the way that we are feelings.
mickleb Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 OK cool so I get that we are addressing the feeling by how to solve feeling this way and start feeling better...how about some suggestions of succeeding when you are really just stuck with yourself, it is midnight or 6 am and you can't call anyone... I want to build these for all of the feelings that I have experienced so I have somewhere to go and remember what I am supposed to be doing Writing down your thoughts is a fantastic way of identifying what is really getting under your skin. You have mentioned keeping a journal, bp, so I guess this is something you do already. Keep it up, though. Especially good at midnight, I find, as it aids sleep. Yoga is a nice way to start the day if waking early is the problem. Make sure you give yourself a good 5-10 mins of blissful meditation at the end and you'll probably get up off the floor knowing exactly what you need to do next. In the UK we have The Samaritans. I'm not sure what your equivalent is, where you are but I'm sure there's some kind of free hotline available for the specific purpose of keeping people from losing their minds, when alone. Reading the S. Anderson book is one of the best things you could do to get you through these times. Better still, go to http://www.abandonment.net/index.html and download the workbook version (Heartbreak to Connection) and do the exercises. Can't recommend it highly enough. (There's a reason it's being sold for $100 upwards on amazon, now.) The fee required to download the book includes access to a forum specifically for abandonment survivors. If the pain is prolonged, I'd say consider the $30 cost nothing in comparison to the months of therapy it could save you. (Do it right and it's THAT good.) x P.S. NP and yes, fo' sho'.
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