HopeLove Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I was in a relationship with a guy for 10 1/2 months. Everything was great and we never had any fight/arguments. Just over 3 months ago he broke up with me stating the main reason was he didn't want to have children / settle down (He's 30 and I'm 36). After the break up we didn't have much contact and the last month (nearly 1 1/2 months) was totally NC. Yesterday I broke it and send him a text saying I would like to think what he feels for me since I still loved him. Now here is were I need your opinion/ help: He send me a long email saying that these last 3 months have been some of the hardest he ever had and that the decison to break was the most difficult he had ever made. That the pain is still there but is getting better. That he still think about me all the time. That he will never forgett our time together. BUT although he loves me very much he doesn't see a future together. That the idea of me getting pregnant was something he couldn't face. Not now and if I'm going to have children this should happen in the next 3-4 years. He might want to have children but only in a distant future. That if I were 26 we would have time on our side but we don't. He also said he wants time for himself and that being with someone for so much of the time is almost suffocating for him. He then said we could meet next week just the two of us. Do you think there's any hope we might get back together? If yes, what should I do?
Author HopeLove Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Would really appreciate any inputs. Thanks!
VeveCakes Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Don't do it. You two clearly do not want the same things, and its not likely to change. You need to move on and concentrate your efforts on someone who has the same life wants and dreams as you. Meeting up with him is just prolonging the inevitable.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 No. False hope. As harsh as this might sound, I think he's used you as an "f - buddy" or "fwb" as they say. He seems to have been committed to not stringing you along anymore and maybe because he feels genuine affection for you. It was a little less than a year that you had this fling with this guy but he fessed up to a different agenda. You'd be just toying with hurting yourself more. It didn't seem at all his idea to call you or "text". He seems to be trying to placate you gently instead of being harsh. I advise not confusing that with recommittment.
Eeyore79 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 What he means is he probably doesn't want to settle down and have children now, but he wants to at some point; however by the time he's 35-40 and ready to have kids, you'll be too old at 41-46. So obviously there's no future in the relationship, because your timescales for doing certain things are mismatched. You need to find a guy who's ready to have kids with you in the next couple of years; it doesn't necessarily have to be an older guy, just because your ex isn't ready for kids at 30 doesn't mean that other guys won't be. I can't see your ex changing his mind though, sorry.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Sorry Hope I know what you are wishing we will say. You can't change your plans or sacrifice what you want for anyone. You will regret it, and with him being able to leave you and stating that there will be no future means he will not be doing any of the sacrificing. We love you honey, we want you to be happy, but this is not the way. I know you love him but some things are not meant to be....you will find that right person some day, don't sell yourself short....
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Sorry hope, I think I have to agree with paw on this one. You will likely not get what you are looking for as far as a family out of this guy. I guess to give the guy a little credit, he did confess that he didn't see a future together. At least he isn't stringing you along in that aspect. You can try to change his mind I suppose. I probably would, but the odds probably aren't in your favor. Sorry hun. I wish you the best.
spriggig Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I'm just going to say it. He's right. You really don't have a lot of time left, the longer you hang onto this guy, the less time you'll have to find a potential father for your hoped for kids. At 36, a woman's chance of conceiving in any given month is 10%, less than half what it was at age 26. Also, it's possible it's already too late, just because you're still menstruating doesn't mean your eggs are viable. I suggest a blood test to determine your fertility.
Author HopeLove Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 I'm not sure I want to have children. I would only consider having if everything is fine, otherwise I would not.
smk Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Hope I am going to side with everyone here - you need to let go and meet someone who wants the same things as you do... Maybe his reasons are genuine maybe not only he can answer that and he knows what you wanted and if he doesn't want the same thing then it's pointless being with him... It's not easy but you know what what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.... Be strong
bonpaw2008 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Hope I am going to side with everyone here - you need to let go and meet someone who wants the same things as you do... Maybe his reasons are genuine maybe not only he can answer that and he knows what you wanted and if he doesn't want the same thing then it's pointless being with him... It's not easy but you know what what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.... Be strong My problem with this whole thing is that he says that the kid thing is a deal-breaker....what's going to be the next deal-breaker that you will have to conform to or else he is gone?? I think that this is someone who will bolt at the first sign that things aren't "going his way" ..... you know we love you Hope
Author HopeLove Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 Wow, it seems like I'm the only one that thinks there might be a change we will get back togehter. I think that if there's still love there's still hope, but maybe I'm wrong. Is there anyone that thinks too there's a chance in my situation?
spriggig Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Wow, it seems like I'm the only one that thinks there might be a change we will get back togehter. I think that if there's still love there's still hope, but maybe I'm wrong. Is there anyone that thinks too there's a chance in my situation? Hope? Yeah, there's always hope. I thought you were looking real, substantial advice. You can stand still and hang onto hope or you can decide what you want, what's best for you, and pursue it. But you know what will happen if you pursue him and you know what will happen if you hang onto hope beyond reason. Hope is a two-headed monster not a solution.
lunita Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 He may be using the kid thing as an easy excuse for not having to be with you. He may think that it IS the dealbreaker and by saying he loves you but....he's not ready to have a kid right now, it doesn't make him look like such a bad guy. Think about it, if he said, sorry I have no feelings for you anymore, or said, I love you so much but I don't want to have a kid right now...which one sounds much nicer? He clearly doesn't want to hurt you anymore but he might be prolonging it by changing the truth a little. I agree with everyone else...if he wants to be with you, let HIM come back to you. But I wouldn't pursue it...and even I believe in having hope.
Shakz Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Wow, it seems like I'm the only one that thinks there might be a change we will get back togehter. I think that if there's still love there's still hope, but maybe I'm wrong. Is there anyone that thinks too there's a chance in my situation? Ironic that you would put "change" instead of "chance" you will get back together. Talk about a Freudian slip. Nada, HL, zero chance. You are 36, he is 30. Find someone your own age or older.
Beeotch Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 (edited) I was in a relationship with a guy for 10 1/2 months. Everything was great and we never had any fight/arguments. Just over 3 months ago he broke up with me stating the main reason was he didn't want to have children / settle down (He's 30 and I'm 36). After the break up we didn't have much contact and the last month (nearly 1 1/2 months) was totally NC. Yesterday I broke it and send him a text saying I would like to think what he feels for me since I still loved him. Now here is were I need your opinion/ help: He send me a long email saying that these last 3 months have been some of the hardest he ever had and that the decison to break was the most difficult he had ever made. That the pain is still there but is getting better. That he still think about me all the time. That he will never forgett our time together. BUT although he loves me very much he doesn't see a future together. That the idea of me getting pregnant was something he couldn't face. Not now and if I'm going to have children this should happen in the next 3-4 years. He might want to have children but only in a distant future. That if I were 26 we would have time on our side but we don't. He also said he wants time for himself and that being with someone for so much of the time is almost suffocating for him. He then said we could meet next week just the two of us. Do you think there's any hope we might get back together? If yes, what should I do? There is always hope.... The thing people NEVER ask is: "If we get back together, will it be the right thing?" No one asks that....they just want to get back together, then usually the SAME issues reoccur and they break up again or end up in more pain/drama/disappointment etc. You broke up because he feels he needs to be alone and being with you is suffocating and he doesn't want kids anytime soon....what has changed now? Nothing. But when we want the person back, we ignore all the real answers and concoct what sounds pleasing to our own minds.... The truth is: often times we are TOLD the truth. There is cleaaar evidence it won't work or is not right for us, but we push on anyway determined to make it fit. It doesn't then we we're surprised and shocked...when those looking objectively could point it out clearly. It is only in hindsight that you can admit that heyyy....they did say this and this, these were the signs and flags. So yea....I am not gonna give you tips on getting back together with a man who doesn't want to get back together with you, and whom the reasons why you broke up still exist. Unless I told you to lower your standards and pretend you didn't want kids just to be with him....which I won't do and which you shouldn't do. If it is meant to be, there is NOTHING wrong or detrimental in taking more time away from the situation. Why the rush? He doesn't want kids so you can't be rushing for that sake. Time is your friend. It can either show you that it would have been a mistake and you actually move on to someone better, or over time you guys get on the same page and reconnect and it works. Rushing into getting back together on the other hand has waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more cons. Edited August 11, 2010 by Beeotch
Beeotch Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 I'm not sure I want to have children. I would only consider having if everything is fine, otherwise I would not. I figured you would say this. I don't want to be patronizing or condescending at all, but I know that mind trick. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I remember the days of wanting my ex soooo bad that I convinced myself into things I didn't want thinking I would get him back OR talked myself out of things I did want. I downplayed certain things (like going away to school)....like oh well, I don't wanna go away to school anyway, I like here. My ex said he didn't want a long distance relationship etc and at the time, I convinced myself out of my (at the time) dream school, cleverly trying to trick myself into believing I was making the choice compleeeetely because of myself and not for him I can list sooo many more things that I decided to do/not do. You see, you will fall into that trap. Also, a clue that it is problematic is that, how comes you're the only one changing anything??? That is also what I realized, and that is when I exposed that trick. How come mysteriously I was suddenly making all these new "choices" that were in line with what HE wanted but he WAS NOT changing his choices???...Honey, don't let your mind fool you. Put your desires out there...every last one, for the BEST relationship you can find. Become the best you can be and attract that person. It is not too late. Versus trying to fit a square into a hole made for a circle, cutting here and clipping there to make things work when it can't or isn't supposed to. This man has been honest. LISTEN to him and not just what you want to hear. The Universe may be leading you in a mucccccch better direction! Embrace it. You'll be surprised how you will look back like why the efff was I really holding out for this???
Author HopeLove Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Thank you Beeotch both of your answers are great
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