confused31 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 ok, heres my story. My girlfriend and I have dated for 3 years. Just recently she has told me that she isn't sure if we're meant to be together. She's mentioned breaking up, but can't fully commit to doing that. We have a long distance relationship, but we see each other every weekend. Recently, I've been applying for jobs in her area. Now with this I'm unsure if I should continue. Sometimes she acts normal, as if nothings up, and then later acts cold, as if trying to tell me 'remember, I'm having doubts so don't get your hopes up.' i'm confused what kind of approach to take here. We usually call everyday twice (after work and before bed). I'm wondering if this is something I should continue doing, or leave her be for now. I tried this a week ago, but when I didn't call, she would call me. What do you think I should do? It's the uncertainty of the situation that makes me confused. We both love each other, but I don't want to be caught off-guard when the bomb drops. Advice? (if I haven't been clear on something please ask, I'm looking for any and all advice. Thanks in advance for helping someone you've never met before. You have no idea the positive impact you can have on someones life by helping)
Don Ho Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 (edited) Finally! Someone that is in the pre-breakup stage! My first thought is that you need to back way off and let her do the contacting if she does. Your situation might be salvageable if you want to and if you play your cards right. I would not continue talking to her twice a day. That said, I have another thought for you. If she contacts you and starts the "I'm not sure" routine, encourage her to break up with you. "I've been thinking. If you're heart is not into this, maybe it's best if you break up with me". Then wait and see what she says and does. If she agrees and she says "yes, I want to break up with YOU", then you agree and say "I agree. I think you're really great. But I think it's probably for the best. Take care". This will throw her off base and give you your best shot at reconciling later if that's what you want. Then go NC and see what she does. You're telling her to get off the fence without telling her that. Be careful, do not break up with her. She needs to break up with you so you can go NC and find out if she comes back. If you do all this and she leaves and does not come back to you, then you have at least stood up like a man and preserved your dignity. This takes major balls to do this, but in this situation you have to have some balls and not act like a pussy if you want any shot. Be a MAN. Play your cards right. Good luck, keep us posted. Edited August 9, 2010 by Don Ho
Author confused31 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 thanks for the reply. This is something that I think may be one of the better routes to take. She's a teacher, so her summers are totally free, and sometimes I think she just wants to be on her own and explore. The whole situation is weird because I know she loves me, and if she were to ever tell me she didn't I would be fine at least knowing. The hardest part of this is not knowing what to do or where it wil lead. That being said I really appreciate the advice.
Present Value Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 ok, heres my story. My girlfriend and I have dated for 3 years. Just recently she has told me that she isn't sure if we're meant to be together. She's mentioned breaking up, but can't fully commit to doing that. We have a long distance relationship, but we see each other every weekend. Recently, I've been applying for jobs in her area. Now with this I'm unsure if I should continue. You've been dating for three years, and she's told you she's not sure if she wants to be with you? I seem to see a lot more of this type of thread coming from women along with the question "Why hasn't he proposed yet?" Has she told you why she is dissatisfied? Is you potentially moving to her area something that you two have talked about? If so, would it be, from both your and her perspective, something helpful for the relationship or not? Has this relationship always been long distance?
Author confused31 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 we've discussed it for the last year alot. We both know that about 95% of any problems we have stem from that. Mainly because when we see each other, it's the weekend and our break time, we seem to disagre about what to do (visit parents, go to church, etc.) we started dating senior year of college and had about half a year together until she went to student teach. The thing about moving is that I was ready to do it even without a job lined up, but now it's all on hold. She doesn't want me to move because she's scared that if it doesn't work shed be betraying me. she's said she's dissatisfied by little things that build up. There are some weekends here or there that I've failed to go to church with her or wasn't excited to visit her parents al weekend. These were things that I didn't feel needed to be committed to until later on. I'm a christian like her and went to church every sunday when I was a kid, so that ones easy. With her parents, I like them alot, I'm just not stoked that my only time with her that week is spent in a living room on a couch with them talking.
Don Ho Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Oh. So it's an LDR. Those hardly EVER work out and that makes it even more complicated. I seriously doubt it will work out. Anyway, try what I said to the "T". Even if it doesn't work, believe me it will give you great practice for the next time a woman tells you "I'm not feeling the same anymore".
Author confused31 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Yeah, it may or may not work out. The LDR aspect is a big part of it because it forces us to have to leave after the weekend on whatever note we were on. Here's the thing, I'm from MN and went to school in IA, where shes from. When I graduated college, I knew to look for jobs in IA because thats where she would be. Now, I found my job first and when it was offered to me I asked her if I should accept it. We agreed I should and so I did. Later, she got a job in IA also, only problem is it was 2 hrs away. Now had I not chosen to look only in IA, our relationship would never have had a chance. I have a good job, just in a ****ty location. I've been making attempts to move out there, but trying to relocate with a job lined up is extremely difficult. I called her tonight like we always do, and just talked about our days like we always do. I'm wondering if its constructive to treat everything normal until I can be with her face to face to discuss this? Unfortunately her sister is getting married this week, and if I did anything drastic she would definitely NOT forgive me for it. Bad timing.
Author confused31 Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 (edited) so heres a little update. As you know we have an LDR. We both live in IA, but I live here so I can be close to her. It's been tough not being in control and waiting but I've finally got SOME hope. If things don't work out between us in the near future, I will be quitting my job in IA and moving back to MN. Soumds dumb, but I'm actually excited about the new opportunities. I'll be around family and friends that support me . Plus I'll have no delusions about getting back together because I'll have the prospects of starting my new life. So even though it hurts to think I'll lose her, either way this goes I can see light at the end of the tunel. =) Edited August 12, 2010 by confused31
skydiveaddict Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Personally, if my gf told me "not to get my hopes up" I'd tell her to take a walk. Not a good sign in my opinion.
Author confused31 Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 well she never actually said that, but I don't care about signs anymore. I'm exhausted going over 'signs' in my head. This happened at a perfect time for us. If we decide to split, bummer but great oportunities are available, and ne journeys begin. Plus, life experience wise these are always great stories for others that need advice.
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