Not sure if I want him.

[Ellin]

You should start thinking more of what you want and need rather than if he's the perfect guy. Yes, it's normal to have your reservations. You can't help that especially since you've been through a rough relationship.

 

A lot has been said about your situation, but here's what I think:

 

You have to stop being scared of whatever it is that scares you. It's alright to be cautious but if it is getting in the way of your happiness, then you've lost already. If you really like him--or love him--then there's nothing wrong in taking that leap.

 

Your instinct should serve as your guide. If you feel like something wrong's going to happen, then don't do it. But if you feel like you will regret not making that leap for the rest of your life, then maybe it's a risk worth taking.

 

When we become overanalytical, it sometimes cloud our judgment. It keeps us from hearing what our hearts tell us, so you need to stop a while and really listen to what your heart is saying. But you still need to be reasonable about stuff. Try to strike a balance.

Thank you, Lovebugguy.

 

You're post is very understanding and therefore immensely helpful. I'll keep it for future reference.

[Ellin]

I think this is a large part. He is no longer a challenge and now you have him. He is there ready to give you what you craved and that is no longer exciting.

I still would argue that it's not the largest part, although I do admit it did a part in changin the balance of what was most noticeable (the good things seemed more pronounced when I couldn't have them and good and bad are more balanced when it can be reality, but I was aware of that the whole time).

 

I believe it is a normal progression of any relationship. When we first fall in love it's like we are a bit crazy, we think this person is perfect, amazing, better than anyone etc. This of course is just a phase.

[Ellin]

It's rare to find a man willing to help raise 3 kids that are not his own.

I wonder if it's really so. Anyone has any experience with that?

 

I'm sure that there are plenty of men who would be discouraged from having a R with a woman with 3 young children, but there have been a few since my divorce who seemed willing to give it a go if I wanted.

[Ellin]

Okay, Ellin, pardon me if this is a sensitive subject, but it seems like I vaguely remember, (when I was posting under a different username), reading an account of a trip that you took with your man that resulted in a less than desirable sexual experience. If I remember correctly, I think you were somewhat disappointed in that area. No, I'm not one who thinks that good sex is the be-all end-all for a successful relationship, but it is certainly important enough to ME that if I were not already committed to someone I would have to question my feelings on the subject. I enjoy good sex. If I were already married to someone and it was lacking in that area, I would try to find ways to address the subject and come to some kind of resolution. However, if I were sexually dissatisfied with someone even before marriage, and if I had the other misgivings that you seem to be having, it would be a total dealbreaker.

 

Not to mention that you say you HOPE that moving WITH YOUR KIDS to where your man is, that you hope he and your kids would form a good relationship. I'm a single mom of two kids, and there is no way in hell I would pack up our lives and move anywhere with the HOPES that they would have a good relationship with some man. If they don't have a good relationship already, I would never consider moving them anywhere.

 

Not trying to be critical, Ellin. I remember a lot of your story from the beginning. And as a former OW, I can certainly understand. The most interesting thing about your story is that I see a lot of myself in it. After a 3 1/2 year relationship with my MM, he just upped and moved almost 3000 miles away with his family, with not so much as a word to me. Oh, I agonized for months and months...I loved this man!! But after time went on, I realized that I don't think I would have wanted him at all. Not because he was a cheater, not because he was dishonest, but just because I realized that he was just not all that! That this man who I had put on a pedestal, and thought was my "soulmate", was just an ordinary guy who provided me with intimacy and great sex. And yes, love. I don't doubt that we both loved each other, but it was not enough for him to choose me, and not enough to sustain my continued love for him.

 

As people all too often say on here, the affair feelings can be an illusion. I don't like the word "fog". I, for one, would stay put. See if your relationship can survive a long-distance relationship, since you said he needed to move. if it's true, it will survive. If not, then you've dodged a bullet. You, and your kids, too.

Hi, Twinsmom, thank you for your long post, which showed much understanding of my situation and raised important points.

 

Things in sex department eventually improved, meaning we became intimate after this being absent for a long time. But it's not as good as I'd like and it's also to do with his age and partly with his diificulty to discuss such topic. So yeah, that's one of the hurdles.

 

Now, regarding the kids, he has had a limited contact with them, since I'm very cautious about what experiences the are exposed to and for most part I kept this R hidden from them. I have no particular worries as he is a good man and I know he wouldn't do anything to make my children unhapy. He's one of the kindest people I know. I'm pretty sure he would treat my children well, I don't just hope so. I only said I wish everything would be a lot more established before we make the move.

 

As for the move, it is something I wanted to do even before I met him. After my divorce I wanted to move from where I am now. I wanted to be further away from my ex and I already wanted to start afresh. But I couldn't make the leap because I live in a different country than the one I was born in and wherever I'd go, it would be a completely new place, with everyone being a stranger. I had nowhere to start from. When I met my boyfriend he told me early on he would like to go back to the part of the country where he was born and I thought it would be perfect for both of us.

 

I don't think that "uprooting" my children would be such an issue. Yes, we know our neighbors more or less and my daughter had friends at school. Apart from that I have two friends of a sort - one single mom with kids similar age to mine and one male friend, but I've only known them for a couple of years. That's not a whole lot of uprooting. Nearly all my relatives are in my country of origin and we visit them often and when we do my kids don't want to go back "home". So I don't think it's such a big issue. It would be a bit upsetting for the kids at first (but probably not so much for my two youngest) and that's why I agonize over it - I do put my children first.

 

But moving house is a fact of life, not a major traumatic event. For all I know they could end up being happier over there than where they are now. I just don't know the future, that's why it's scary. I don't know how it will feel like to be there - until I'm there.

 

Thanks again for replying!

[whichwaytogo]

okay...i dont know your whole story, but...

 

i was in an abusive marriage for 10 years. have been 'out' 2 years. and i can tell you, the issues that come along with those years 'in' are long lasting.

 

i have trust issues. and most of those trust issues are not being able to trust myself in making good choices since i chose to marry my abusive ex (what a dumb move that was). that really does a number on your ability to believe in yourself to make a good choice in a mate.

 

i am working thru my trust issues with my new relationship. alot of it is just jumping in. knowing that even if it doesnt work out, you will eventually be okay (even if that is by yourself).

 

if your ex is abusive, it will help you to recover from that to be further away from him. if you do not have family or strong ties where you are now, then i would go for the move. if you DO have family/strong ties where you are at now, i would stay put. it seems like you dont have those ties...

[You Go Girl]

There is one thing though that makes me want to be in a R, and when I think of a R I think of a life-long one. I can't bring myself to say what it is because it's to do with a very painful experience from my past. I can't really get over that. It's not the healthiest reason to be with someone but I know that if I do decide to commit I will do my best to make it work, no matter how hard. That's why I have to thing long and hard beforehand.

 

Ellin, I am glad for the things you clarified. This one topic above though, concerns me. As I dont' know what it refers to, I will only say that the reason to be in a relationship should not be personal safety. You can't run to a relationship to avoid danger, because as you know, relationships can be dangerous themselves, or turn dangerous, without warning.