Not sure if I want him.

[Ellin]

I was married to an abusive man for 12 years and have three young children with him. A year ago, when I was already divorced, I developed feelings for someone new.

 

I didn't know his status in the beginning but as I got to know him I found out he was already attached to a woman (although it's not exactly something that can be called a relationship), but at the same time he expressed great interest in me. It has been an emotional rollercoaster year for me and caused me a great deal of heartache.

 

Until fairly recently I didn't feel that he was fully available and wasn't sure what the outcome would be, but now I feel he's ready to start a long-term R with me, which he says he wants to last for the rest of our lives.

 

This is what I wanted more than anything but now I feel as if my emotions played a trick on me. When I had no certainty we would end up together I thought he was the most amazing man in the world. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Now that it can happen, I see a different side of things - the downsides.

 

I'm not sure if it is related to him being more available. Maybe it's just a natural process in every R. I recently came across an article describing how feelings fluctuate and often it happens that we adore someone one minute and can't stand the sight of them the next. And obviously the feeling of being crazily in love doesn't last forever.

 

What bothers me, to start with, is that we have to move in order to live together, to a place that wouldn't be my first choice.

 

The next thing is the age gap - he's 14 years older and many problems come with that.

 

There's a few other things that annoy me.

 

The good sides are - he has a heart of golf, is very caring and generous, have great sense of humor and is witty, full of life and liked by everyone.

 

It's upsetting because I don't want to break his heart and also my own - it was my dream to finally find love and home on this planet after experiencing little more than abuse and mistreatment from the significant people in my life. I thought he was The One. Now not so sure. Back to the loneliness and unfulfilled dreams?

 

On the other hand I don't want him to change his life for me, if I'm not 100% sure.

 

I'm starting to think there is no hope for me, something's wrong with me, I can't find a man I'd be really happy with. I also have a feeling of time running out, as the older I get, the less chance of finding "true love".

[vodkafan]

Ellin I would say go for it, you will never know otherwise.

[xxoo]

It's upsetting because I don't want to break his heart and also my own - it was my dream to finally find love and home on this planet after experiencing little more than abuse and mistreatment from the significant people in my life. I thought he was The One. Now not so sure. Back to the loneliness and unfulfilled dreams?

 

On the other hand I don't want him to change his life for me, if I'm not 100% sure.

 

Have you discussed your doubts with him? What does he say?

 

I had some doubts before marrying my H, 17 years ago. We were young, and it is a big leap, and I think it is normal and healthy to take a cold, hard look at the realities together before making a commitment.

 

I haven't regretted marrying him a single day .

[Joe10]

What do you want? Money? S*x? Both? Enough already with your 'feelings'.

Edited August 9, 2010 by Joe10

[Ellin]

Ellin I would say go for it, you will never know otherwise.

Thank you for encouragement, Vodkafan. Your positive response has made me feel a bit better.

[Ellin]

Have you discussed your doubts with him? What does he say?

 

I had some doubts before marrying my H, 17 years ago. We were young, and it is a big leap, and I think it is normal and healthy to take a cold, hard look at the realities together before making a commitment.

 

I haven't regretted marrying him a single day .

Thank you for your reply, Xxoo. It's very helpful to know that others felt the same way in a similar situation. You're right, it should be normal and healthy to consider everything carefully when deciding to make a committment.

 

I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted any more but without details, and I'll try to go deeper into it with him. It would be fairly easy to discuss things like place to live, but when it comes to his personal characteristics that I'm ambivalent about, I just have to make some decisions for myself.

 

And congrats on having chosen Mr Right.

[Ellin]

What do you want? Money? S*x? Both? Enough already with your 'feelings'.

What can I do, Joe, I'm a very emotional person and I feel a lot of things;)

 

I'm not sure what was the purpose of your question. Do I want money or s*x, I mean are you offering me any of those?

 

Or are you asking if I want those from my man. He hasn't got much money and s*x.. Well, that's a subject for another thread..

[You Go Girl]

I'm going to be the wet blanket on this one.

 

Are you sure you want to get married? Or do you just like the idea of being married finally to a nice guy?

How about a long engagement then? Wear a ring on your finger for awhile and see how it feels to be "owned" again, in a fashion.

 

Look deeper within. Ask yourself more questions until that little nagging voice goes away, or doesn't. Ask yourself over and over...what about this idea makes me uncomfortable? Then write down every thought after asking that q. Then study them, ponder them.

Then study him. How is he REALLY...? Push all romantic and sexual thoughts out of your mind.

How does he live? Who are his friends? What things in his past don't you like? How does he interact with your kids? How helpful is he on little stuff? Does he forget or not even think of things that you feel he should? How does he act with his own family? What does he do when you're not around?

Are you still carrying baggage from the first divorce? Are you afraid that this guy might exhibit some nasty personality traits later on?

Just some ideas. Don't do anything like get married or move to a new city until you've searched yourself and found more answers.

[Woggle]

You wanted him because you could not have him and now that you do you want him anymore. It is as simple as that.

[xxoo]

I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted any more but without details, and I'll try to go deeper into it with him. It would be fairly easy to discuss things like place to live, but when it comes to his personal characteristics that I'm ambivalent about, I just have to make some decisions for myself.

 

Yes, you have to make your own decision. But I believe that you should be able to discuss anything with your partner. This is the one person whom you should trust to be able to reveal your soul. This is the first person you should go to with your hopes and fears--esp if they are directly related to the relationship.

 

You shouldn't dump on him, of course. But you can address possible incompatibilities without having a tone of "me right, you wrong".

 

There is little more important than communication in a longterm relationship. I wouldn't commit to anyone unless I knew we could communicate through the toughest issues that come up.

 

And congrats on having chosen Mr Right.

 

Thanks!

[Ellin]

You wanted him because you could not have him and now that you do you want him anymore. It is as simple as that.

This might have played a part but it's not "as simple as that".

 

When I wasn't sure about the outcome the good points of him naturally stood out but now when my dream can be a reality I can see the other side too. Apart from that it is also a normal process as a R progresses.

 

I am quite upset about feeling that way, and confused.

[Ellin]

Yes, you have to make your own decision. But I believe that you should be able to discuss anything with your partner. This is the one person whom you should trust to be able to reveal your soul. This is the first person you should go to with your hopes and fears--esp if they are directly related to the relationship.

 

You shouldn't dump on him, of course. But you can address possible incompatibilities without having a tone of "me right, you wrong".

 

There is little more important than communication in a longterm relationship. I wouldn't commit to anyone unless I knew we could communicate through the toughest issues that come up.

Xxoo, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. You're absolutely right about the importance of being able to share everything with your life partner.

 

One of the problems is that he finds it hard to talk about emotions and is very insecure, so takes things personally, although it is much less severe than it was in the beginning. But some of the things that bother me are not just about the way he acts, but also his personal features, for example limited interests compared to mine, and I don't think I can tell him that without it sounding like rejection. This kind of things is what I was talking about when I wrote I need to make my decision.

 

On the other hand I think whoever I'd be with something would be "missing" as there are no perfect partners and I'm rather fussy. For example I know men who are nice enough and very intellectual with wide horizons, but don't turn me on physically.

 

I think it is about finding the right balance, where love is present but other things are also in order, the partners are suited in other ways, in terms of background, age, education, life experiences etc. to have a good chance of lasting happiness.

 

However, knowing that we don't live forever, how realistic is it to find a person who will be the right one in every way, also considering the baggage from earlier experiences, like in my case young children..

 

But thank you for stressing the importance of communication, I will keep it in mind and do my best.

[Ellin]

I'm going to be the wet blanket on this one.

 

Are you sure you want to get married? Or do you just like the idea of being married finally to a nice guy?

How about a long engagement then? Wear a ring on your finger for awhile and see how it feels to be "owned" again, in a fashion.

 

Look deeper within. Ask yourself more questions until that little nagging voice goes away, or doesn't. Ask yourself over and over...what about this idea makes me uncomfortable? Then write down every thought after asking that q. Then study them, ponder them.

Then study him. How is he REALLY...? Push all romantic and sexual thoughts out of your mind.

How does he live? Who are his friends? What things in his past don't you like? How does he interact with your kids? How helpful is he on little stuff? Does he forget or not even think of things that you feel he should? How does he act with his own family? What does he do when you're not around?

Are you still carrying baggage from the first divorce? Are you afraid that this guy might exhibit some nasty personality traits later on?

Just some ideas. Don't do anything like get married or move to a new city until you've searched yourself and found more answers.

Hi You Go Girl,

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply and giving me much to think about.

 

We're not planning to get married just yet. We talk about moving away in order to set up home together with marriage as a possibility later on. Due to the way our R started it seems that the best way forward is to make the move, as we need a fresh start. But it is a big step and I wish we could do it the other way around - have a normal R first and see how things go, settle into a routine and make sure he's getting on well with my children, then make the move. It would be easier and more natural, but it's not quite possible.

 

I used to think that love will give me enough strength to move to the end of the world with him, but it's not so clear-cut now, there are doubts. I wouldn't leave a lot behind because where I live now I have hardly any family around and only a couple of friends I made in the last year or two, after getting out of the abusive M. But still, it will be unsettling for my children and I don't know what sort of life would await me there as now I live in a big city and there I'd be in a small town or countryside.

 

That's to start with. Regarding the rest of your questions, some of them are valid in my situation, others not at all. I don't have a lot of baggage from my divorce, but we have some baggage from the way our R started, which means there are additional problems on top of the "usual" ones. Now that I've started to see more clearly things that bother me about him (age and other stuff) I have to ask myself if it's really worth it? And also - is it fair on him?

 

It's not that I want to be married but I want to be happy at last and I thought the main ingredient of that would be a good man to love me and be loved by me, and I wanted him to be the last one in my life, meaning a happy relationship for life...

 

Now I sometimes think, maybe I don't need that at all. Maybe I'm just fine, me and the kids... Is it just me or ambivalent feelings like this are a norm?

 

Grass always greener?

[You Go Girl]

Hi You Go Girl,

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply and giving me much to think about.

 

 

as we need a fresh start. But it is a big step and I wish we could do it the other way around - have a normal R first and see how things go, settle into a routine and make sure he's getting on well with my children, then make the move. It would be easier and more natural, but it's not quite possible.

 

But still, it will be unsettling for my children and I don't know what sort of life would await me there as now I live in a big city and there I'd be in a small town or countryside.

 

but we have some baggage from the way our R started, which means there are additional problems on top of the "usual" ones. Now that I've started to see more clearly things that bother me about him (age and other stuff) I have to ask myself if it's really worth it? And also - is it fair on him.

 

Now I sometimes think, maybe I don't need that at all. Maybe I'm just fine, me and the kids... Is it just me or ambivalent feelings like this are a norm?

 

Grass always greener?

 

You're welcome.

Why do you need a fresh start?

Why is it not quite possible to have a normal R and let the children get used to him first?

Unsettling to your children--they've gone through a lot in a short period of time, yes? How long have you been divorced?

baggage from the way the R started? He was married too, I take it? He had an affair perhaps?

Age? Many years older than you? maybe you posted that and I forgot.

I bolded and underlined what I think points to that it is too soon perhaps for you to live with another man.

After an abusive relationship for so long, it must feel very good to have all the decision making process yours, as in where you live, what activities happen on any given night, that the car keys are right where you left them, and the new routine you have set up with your children. After only a year? Do I understand that right? Are you really interested in even uprooting and starting over a new routine with a factor that you can't control--the man in your life.

It feels good to have control FINALLY after a long abusive relationship. Are you sure you want to give up half that control?

Maybe he's a terrific bf, and it needs to stay as just that for some time to come.

Something to think about.

[kuma]

Now that I've started to see more clearly things that bother me about him (age and other stuff) I have to ask myself if it's really worth it? And also - is it fair on him?

 

IMO, if there's any doubt in your mind, don't do it. Perhaps you can both go to couples therapy if you decide to move in together.

[jwi71]

...

Being with my MM has given me many moments, which were the happiest of my life. They were so wonderful that after experiencing them life will never be the same. Having tasted this paradise feeling, I can't just go back to the way I was and cope in the way I used to cope...

 

...He's just perfect for me. Literally a dream come true. Feels like the other half of my soul, however funny it must sound to the 'sceptics'....

 

...As for our bond getting stronger, it doesn't sound bad to me right now, because I've already reached the state in which I can't just walk away. Actually I reached it almost immediately, the attraction was so strong. It scared me then and it scares me now...

 

I went back and pulled this from your first thread about your "MM" (in quotes because he wasn't married to your neighbor)

 

What changed?

 

How did you go from the quote above to where you are now?

 

Perhaps a mental review of how and when you went from the above to this current post might help you.

[lovebugguy]

You should start thinking more of what you want and need rather than if he's the perfect guy. Yes, it's normal to have your reservations. You can't help that especially since you've been through a rough relationship.

 

A lot has been said about your situation, but here's what I think:

 

You have to stop being scared of whatever it is that scares you. It's alright to be cautious but if it is getting in the way of your happiness, then you've lost already. If you really like him--or love him--then there's nothing wrong in taking that leap.

 

Your instinct should serve as your guide. If you feel like something wrong's going to happen, then don't do it. But if you feel like you will regret not making that leap for the rest of your life, then maybe it's a risk worth taking.

 

When we become overanalytical, it sometimes cloud our judgment. It keeps us from hearing what our hearts tell us, so you need to stop a while and really listen to what your heart is saying. But you still need to be reasonable about stuff. Try to strike a balance.

[lolapalooza]

It's rare to find a man willing to help raise 3 kids that are not his own.

[Woggle]

This might have played a part but it's not "as simple as that".

 

When I wasn't sure about the outcome the good points of him naturally stood out but now when my dream can be a reality I can see the other side too. Apart from that it is also a normal process as a R progresses.

 

I am quite upset about feeling that way, and confused.

 

I think this is a large part. He is no longer a challenge and now you have him. He is there ready to give you what you craved and that is no longer exciting.

[twinsmom]

Okay, Ellin, pardon me if this is a sensitive subject, but it seems like I vaguely remember, (when I was posting under a different username), reading an account of a trip that you took with your man that resulted in a less than desirable sexual experience. If I remember correctly, I think you were somewhat disappointed in that area. No, I'm not one who thinks that good sex is the be-all end-all for a successful relationship, but it is certainly important enough to ME that if I were not already committed to someone I would have to question my feelings on the subject. I enjoy good sex. If I were already married to someone and it was lacking in that area, I would try to find ways to address the subject and come to some kind of resolution. However, if I were sexually dissatisfied with someone even before marriage, and if I had the other misgivings that you seem to be having, it would be a total dealbreaker.

 

Not to mention that you say you HOPE that moving WITH YOUR KIDS to where your man is, that you hope he and your kids would form a good relationship. I'm a single mom of two kids, and there is no way in hell I would pack up our lives and move anywhere with the HOPES that they would have a good relationship with some man. If they don't have a good relationship already, I would never consider moving them anywhere.

 

Not trying to be critical, Ellin. I remember a lot of your story from the beginning. And as a former OW, I can certainly understand. The most interesting thing about your story is that I see a lot of myself in it. After a 3 1/2 year relationship with my MM, he just upped and moved almost 3000 miles away with his family, with not so much as a word to me. Oh, I agonized for months and months...I loved this man!! But after time went on, I realized that I don't think I would have wanted him at all. Not because he was a cheater, not because he was dishonest, but just because I realized that he was just not all that! That this man who I had put on a pedestal, and thought was my "soulmate", was just an ordinary guy who provided me with intimacy and great sex. And yes, love. I don't doubt that we both loved each other, but it was not enough for him to choose me, and not enough to sustain my continued love for him.

 

As people all too often say on here, the affair feelings can be an illusion. I don't like the word "fog". I, for one, would stay put. See if your relationship can survive a long-distance relationship, since you said he needed to move. if it's true, it will survive. If not, then you've dodged a bullet. You, and your kids, too.

[You Go Girl]

Not to mention that you say you HOPE that moving WITH YOUR KIDS to where your man is, that you hope he and your kids would form a good relationship. I'm a single mom of two kids, and there is no way in hell I would pack up our lives and move anywhere with the HOPES that they would have a good relationship with some man. If they don't have a good relationship already, I would never consider moving them anywhere.

 

 

Now there's a woman who cares about her kids FIRST.

[Ellin]

Big thank you to everyone who took their time to respond. You all gave a valuable input and different perspective to think about.

 

There seem to be a few things in my posts that are unclear but that's because I didn't want to make it too long. I will try to clarify it now.

[Ellin]

You're welcome.

Why do you need a fresh start?

Why is it not quite possible to have a normal R and let the children get used to him first?

Unsettling to your children--they've gone through a lot in a short period of time, yes? How long have you been divorced?

baggage from the way the R started? He was married too, I take it? He had an affair perhaps?

Age? Many years older than you? maybe you posted that and I forgot.

I bolded and underlined what I think points to that it is too soon perhaps for you to live with another man.

After an abusive relationship for so long, it must feel very good to have all the decision making process yours, as in where you live, what activities happen on any given night, that the car keys are right where you left them, and the new routine you have set up with your children. After only a year? Do I understand that right? Are you really interested in even uprooting and starting over a new routine with a factor that you can't control--the man in your life.

It feels good to have control FINALLY after a long abusive relationship. Are you sure you want to give up half that control?

Maybe he's a terrific bf, and it needs to stay as just that for some time to come.

Something to think about.

Hi, You Go Girl.

 

We need a fresh start because when we met he was in a relationship of a sort (not married and not intimante) with a woman who lives too close to me. She is abusive and doesn't accept that fact he wants to have his life back. My once-violent ex is also in the area.

 

I've been divorced for a year and a half.

 

The age difference is 14 years. I have to admit that things would be much easier for me if he was 10 years younger. He also has a incurable (but treatable) illness.

 

I'm quite happy on my own and I like having full control of my life (always have been independent) and you're right, I'm not exactly happy giving up some of this control, and the man is pretty strong-minded (on the other hand this is one of the things I like about him, as I usually get bored with men who always agree with me).

 

There is one thing though that makes me want to be in a R, and when I think of a R I think of a life-long one. I can't bring myself to say what it is because it's to do with a very painful experience from my past. I can't really get over that. It's not the healthiest reason to be with someone but I know that if I do decide to commit I will do my best to make it work, no matter how hard. That's why I have to thing long and hard beforehand.

[Ellin]

IMO, if there's any doubt in your mind, don't do it. Perhaps you can both go to couples therapy if you decide to move in together.

Thank you Kuma. You're right, the doubts should be addressed somehow before making the move.

[Ellin]

I went back and pulled this from your first thread about your "MM" (in quotes because he wasn't married to your neighbor)

 

What changed?

 

How did you go from the quote above to where you are now?

 

Perhaps a mental review of how and when you went from the above to this current post might help you.

Hi Jwi71, thank you for pulling the quotes from my previous thread for me so usefully. I remember, however, everything I have gone through since the beginning and how I went from there to now is what this thread is all about.