Why can't he make a decision?

[lbm74]

My H is involved in an EA for over a year now, and I have known for about 8 months. I outlined the details on the infidelity sight, and was recommended by one reply to check out this forum. My husband has been in counseling now for 7 months, and is trying to figure out why he is/has been doing this. We have 3 young boys together, and 18 years (8 married). He loves me dearly, but claims he loves this other woman too-but they have never been together-it has all been internet/phone/text, and very intense. Every time he tries a NC, something tragic happens to her. The first time, she was brutally sexually assaulted to the point where she ended up hospitalized and needed a hysterectomy. Just recently she was diagnosed with a life threatening form of lupus, giving her 10 years to live. BTW, she is a doctor. I think this is all BS, but she seems to have a good story to back it up all the time. He can't "in good conscience," set up a NC when she is in "such a bad place." He states he should at least be a friend to her during these difficult times. I tried to convince him that she is manipulating him, but his response is that I don't know her like he does, and she is not like that, besides what would she have to gain from that kind of manipulation?

WTF?? Anyone have any insight? Even his therapist thinks this is unlikely to be true.

[OWoman]

My H is involved in an EA for over a year now, and I have known for about 8 months. I outlined the details on the infidelity sight, and was recommended by one reply to check out this forum. My husband has been in counseling now for 7 months, and is trying to figure out why he is/has been doing this. We have 3 young boys together, and 18 years (8 married). He loves me dearly, but claims he loves this other woman too-but they have never been together-it has all been internet/phone/text, and very intense. Every time he tries a NC, something tragic happens to her. The first time, she was brutally sexually assaulted to the point where she ended up hospitalized and needed a hysterectomy. Just recently she was diagnosed with a life threatening form of lupus, giving her 10 years to live. BTW, she is a doctor. I think this is all BS, but she seems to have a good story to back it up all the time. He can't "in good conscience," set up a NC when she is in "such a bad place." He states he should at least be a friend to her during these difficult times. I tried to convince him that she is manipulating him, but his response is that I don't know her like he does, and she is not like that, besides what would she have to gain from that kind of manipulation?

WTF?? Anyone have any insight? Even his therapist thinks this is unlikely to be true.

 

I'm not sure what "decision" you're waiting on - he's already made one: to continue the EA with her. If you mean, why doesn't he make the decision I'd prefer him to make - well, that's a different question and the answer would be, because he has free will.

 

He's made a decision. Now you have a decision to make - can you live with his decision or not? If yes, then accept things as they are, stop wishing for change and get used to things being this way.

If no, then decide what you are going to do - are you going to walk away from him and the M? Are you going to continue the M, but find someone else for yourself on the side? What do you want to do that is in YOUR power to do? You can't wish him to change, or wish him to do anything - or rather, you can wish, but it will remain a wish as you have no power to effect it and it will just cause you frustration. You need to decide whether living this way is fine by you - in which case accept it - or not, in which case leave or change YOUR OWN circumstances to be more acceptable to yourself. That is all you can do.

 

Good luck!

[Ellin]

My H is involved in an EA for over a year now, and I have known for about 8 months. I outlined the details on the infidelity sight, and was recommended by one reply to check out this forum. My husband has been in counseling now for 7 months, and is trying to figure out why he is/has been doing this. We have 3 young boys together, and 18 years (8 married). He loves me dearly, but claims he loves this other woman too-but they have never been together-it has all been internet/phone/text, and very intense. Every time he tries a NC, something tragic happens to her. The first time, she was brutally sexually assaulted to the point where she ended up hospitalized and needed a hysterectomy. Just recently she was diagnosed with a life threatening form of lupus, giving her 10 years to live. BTW, she is a doctor. I think this is all BS, but she seems to have a good story to back it up all the time. He can't "in good conscience," set up a NC when she is in "such a bad place." He states he should at least be a friend to her during these difficult times. I tried to convince him that she is manipulating him, but his response is that I don't know her like he does, and she is not like that, besides what would she have to gain from that kind of manipulation?

WTF?? Anyone have any insight? Even his therapist thinks this is unlikely to be true.

I also think it's unlikely to be true, but it's just a guess, as I don't know for sure. Even if it was true, however, it shouldn't be an excuse to carry on EA which otherwise would not continue. So if she is spicing things up to keep your H hooked, he readily takes the hook.

 

You wrote it is only internet, phone and text and very intense. I'd say - it's unreal. Not based on reality. That's why it's so nice and so intense. Very likely it wouldn't survive confrontation with reality, e.i. getting together IRL, setting up home etc. That's why it's so intense - it's safe and it can be anything they want - the "perfect love".

 

Unfortunately this is what keeps him involved and it will continue that way unless "something" happens.

[Owl]

For the most part I agree with Owoman.

 

He's clearly made his choice...to keep the status quo and maintain both the EA and the marriage.

 

The choice....the power....is all in YOUR hands at this point.

 

You have to decide...can I live like this, or do I require a change?

 

If you can't remain like this...then take action to enforce your change. Decide on what you're willing to accept from him. Establish clear boundaries, and clear consequences for those boundaries.

 

If he absolutely CANNOT leave her "when she's like this"....tell him that's fine...that's his choice. But you absolutely CANNOT accept continuing contact and support for her at your direct expense...and so if he wants to keep his relationship with her, he's going to have to do so while living somewhere else, and without you in his life.

 

Tell him to pack his stuff and get out. Let HIM worry about where he'll go, what he'll do from there.

 

Make it clear that there's a limit to what you'll accept from him going forward.

 

The bottom line reason why he "can't make a choice"....is because so far he's not suffered a consequence for continuing to maintain both relationships.

[bentnotbroken]

For the most part I agree with Owoman.

 

He's clearly made his choice...to keep the status quo and maintain both the EA and the marriage.

 

The choice....the power....is all in YOUR hands at this point.

 

You have to decide...can I live like this, or do I require a change?

 

If you can't remain like this...then take action to enforce your change. Decide on what you're willing to accept from him. Establish clear boundaries, and clear consequences for those boundaries.

 

If he absolutely CANNOT leave her "when she's like this"....tell him that's fine...that's his choice. But you absolutely CANNOT accept continuing contact and support for her at your direct expense...and so if he wants to keep his relationship with her, he's going to have to do so while living somewhere else, and without you in his life.

 

Tell him to pack his stuff and get out. Let HIM worry about where he'll go, what he'll do from there.

 

Make it clear that there's a limit to what you'll accept from him going forward.

 

The bottom line reason why he "can't make a choice"....is because so far he's not suffered a consequence for continuing to maintain both relationships.

 

 

I too think he has already chosen... have his stuff on the curb when he gets home. You have to take care of you.

[lbm74]

Thank you all for the responses. I have actually already taken the next step-kind of an ultimatum. He has until the end of this month to make a decision, and if it's not me, then he is out and we are going to separate. I just don't understand why there is even a decision, me and the kids, or a dying woman who is apparently in constant pain?

Owl-THANK YOU so much for responding. Your posts from 04-05 were what got me to sign up for this site-I am so glad you are still here, and sharing your expertise on the matter, especially with me. I trust things are going well with you and your W?

Owl-if you haven't already, please read my full story on the infidelity forum as it might help to explain more of the details of my situation. I am checking out OM/OW site here on the urging of another, thinking that perhaps I could get a different perspective on the matter, and understand where my husband is coming from?!

[scatterd]

My H is involved in an EA for over a year now, and I have known for about 8 months. I outlined the details on the infidelity sight, and was recommended by one reply to check out this forum. My husband has been in counseling now for 7 months, and is trying to figure out why he is/has been doing this.Its pretty simple he is doing this because he can what does he have to lose? We have 3 young boys together, and 18 years (8 married). He loves me dearly, but claims he loves this other woman too-but they have never been together-it has all been Internet/phone/text, and very intense.I doubt that is all it is and if thats the truth it will turn into a PA. Every time he tries a NC, something tragic happens to her. The first time, she was brutally sexually assaulted to the point where she ended up hospitalized and needed a hysterectomy. Just recently she was diagnosed with a life threatening form of lupus, giving her 10 years to live.My mom had lupus where they said she had 5 yrs she lived 25 tell him to tell her to take her prednizone to help her and put it in remission I did not know their was different forms of lupus besides inner and outer.BTW, she is a doctor.Wow she knows what to come up with. I think this is all BS, but she seems to have a good story to back it up all the time. He can't "in good conscience," set up a NC when she is in "such a bad place." He states he should at least be a friend to her during these difficult times.Then he needs to let her know she should be your friend also. I tried to convince him that she is manipulating him, but his response is that I don't know her like he does, and she is not like that, besides what would she have to gain from that kind of manipulation? A way to keep him close to her.

WTF?? Anyone have any insight? Even his therapist thinks this is unlikely to be true. You need to not put up with this he has you just where he wants you.Good luck and big hugs.

[torranceshipman]

My H is involved in an EA for over a year now, and I have known for about 8 months. I outlined the details on the infidelity sight, and was recommended by one reply to check out this forum. My husband has been in counseling now for 7 months, and is trying to figure out why he is/has been doing this. We have 3 young boys together, and 18 years (8 married). He loves me dearly, but claims he loves this other woman too-but they have never been together-it has all been internet/phone/text, and very intense. Every time he tries a NC, something tragic happens to her. The first time, she was brutally sexually assaulted to the point where she ended up hospitalized and needed a hysterectomy. Just recently she was diagnosed with a life threatening form of lupus, giving her 10 years to live. BTW, she is a doctor. I think this is all BS, but she seems to have a good story to back it up all the time. He can't "in good conscience," set up a NC when she is in "such a bad place." He states he should at least be a friend to her during these difficult times. I tried to convince him that she is manipulating him, but his response is that I don't know her like he does, and she is not like that, besides what would she have to gain from that kind of manipulation?

WTF?? Anyone have any insight? Even his therapist thinks this is unlikely to be true.

 

LEAVE HIM!!!! Firstly, because how DARE he put you and your beauriful boys through this type of disrespectful treatment? The very fact that he feels secure sleeping in bed with you AND saying 'I love my mistress to' is unbelievable. If you want him back (properly) you must IMMEDIATELY remove yourself as an option, and let him face up fully to the choice that he has made.

 

Secondly, because I feel extremely strongly that he is gaslighting you, making excuses that she is pushing things because in reality, he is still seeing her a lot, and he wants to see her a lot. It is the same thing that MM tell AP's, that 'the W is crazy, if I leave her it'll be hard, she'll do something crazy, our M is in name only', etc. And think about it - if he was being a stand up guy, and she was this sensitive, he would NEVER throw a confusing A 'I love you but I love her' garbage crap into the mix, along with her assualts, deadly diseases and what have you. He is also majorly jerking around your kids right now, too. What kind of a crappy role model is he?

 

Believe me you need to end your R with your H now, make him move out, tell him it is over. If you don't, you sign up for a life of this. I am certain of that. But if you leave him, he will see things clearer and you will either get your H back begging, or you will see his absolute true colors (that he wanted to go to the AP). I think it will be the former.

 

Good luck...btw the way he absolutely doesn't deserve you - you sound forgiving and dignified.

[lbm74]

Thanks torrenceshipman, I appreciate the input and well wishes.

Let me add to the info a bit-he has been fairly transparent through a lot of this recently, shows me what I ask of him. He says he wants closure with her, but because she is in so much pain (from the lupus) that he only gets a text from her every couple of days, and mainly she tells him she feels crappy, hates the pain of her "muscles eating themselves," and such. Even one response to his asking "how are you" was "dying :)" he was pretty pissed at that, as he tells me he just wants to talk to her and, again, get closure. She never picks up her phone when he calls, and he says he tries to call her immediately after receiving a text from her, but still she won't pick up. Why the closure? I mean really, she isn't giving him any respect whatsoever, and I tell him this, but he only gets upset.

Why can't he see any of this? Is this how he wants to be treated by her, or is he just hanging on by a string, hoping to get the old "OW" back (prior to all her tragedies)?

[Owl]

I've read all of your threads.

 

His desire to meet her for "closure" is just bullhockey.

 

What he wants is an opportunity to enact the fantasies that the two of them have shared remotely for the last year.

 

Pretty disgusting when you stop and think about it, really.

 

But as a guy, I pretty much garauntee that his desire for "closure" is just him fighting for a chance to find out if the physical would be as good as the mental was.

 

Nothing more.

 

Don't buy that stuff from him any longer.

[Owl]

I wanted to add....if he's THAT insistent on meeting up with her for "closure" only......

 

Agree to it.

 

Tell him to set it up...with tickets for the both of you. Tell him you'd like some "closure" too, to ensure that this really IS the end of things. Given that, you want to go along with him, and be present for the entire "closure" session.

 

That ensures that nothing more than "closure" happens for all three of you.

 

How could he possibly disagree with that as a positive thing all the way around? :rolleyes:

[seren]

Thanks torrenceshipman, I appreciate the input and well wishes.

Let me add to the info a bit-he has been fairly transparent through a lot of this recently, shows me what I ask of him. He says he wants closure with her, but because she is in so much pain (from the lupus) that he only gets a text from her every couple of days, and mainly she tells him she feels crappy, hates the pain of her "muscles eating themselves," and such. Even one response to his asking "how are you" was "dying :)" he was pretty pissed at that, as he tells me he just wants to talk to her and, again, get closure. She never picks up her phone when he calls, and he says he tries to call her immediately after receiving a text from her, but still she won't pick up. Why the closure? I mean really, she isn't giving him any respect whatsoever, and I tell him this, but he only gets upset.

Why can't he see any of this? Is this how he wants to be treated by her, or is he just hanging on by a string, hoping to get the old "OW" back (prior to all her tragedies)?

 

I have Lupus, systemic so organs affected too - yes it hurts, it is rarely life threatening these days. I agree that you need to make decisions about you, I sort of think it is a bit off being expected to hear about H's OW, especially if her situation is being used to stall him leaving, or you leaving or just sorting it out.

 

Are you sure he isn't spinning you both a line? I also cannot think why you would be advised to post on this forum.

[2sure]

He isnt going to make a decision until he has to. Period.

That doesnt mean he will not choose the marriage and that the marriage can move on and reconcile.

 

But nothing can happen until he makes a decision. Until he MUST make a decision. Being asked to and being forced to are altogether different things with altogether different results.

 

If you cannot make the OW go away, if you can make him pick between you...then the only option, and usually the best one, is to:

 

No longer make yourself or the marriage an OPTION. Take away his choices, take away the options, so that he can take a good long look at reality and decide what to do.

[lbm74]

I have Lupus, systemic so organs affected too - yes it hurts, it is rarely life threatening these days. I agree that you need to make decisions about you, I sort of think it is a bit off being expected to hear about H's OW, especially if her situation is being used to stall him leaving, or you leaving or just sorting it out.

 

Are you sure he isn't spinning you both a line? I also cannot think why you would be advised to post on this forum.

 

Seren,

You have me very confused. First off, I am in the medical field, and yes, the neurologic form of lupus is terminal.

My H is not "spinning us both," as he has come clean in more ways than you can imagine, and is in serious therapy for all of this, recently involving me as well.

As for the advice on posting here, why not? Why not get the other side's perspective to help understand?

And as for your last sentence... I have no idea what you are talking about.

[Silly_Girl]

Seren,

You have me very confused. First off, I am in the medical field, and yes, the neurologic form of lupus is terminal.

My H is not "spinning us both," as he has come clean in more ways than you can imagine, and is in serious therapy for all of this, recently involving me as well.

As for the advice on posting here, why not? Why not get the other side's perspective to help understand?

And as for your last sentence... I have no idea what you are talking about.

 

We're not here to 'imagine' what he's said or done. We read your posts. And your husband seems to be saying very unusual and quite unrealistic things. I am concerned for you, and sometimes things stand out louder to strangers than when you're living it. You know that too. Seren only SUGGESTED he could be spinning you. And I think lots of us have had the same thoughts.

 

Do you see a counsellor lbm? For yourself and how you are coping with this situation? It strikes me as a very serious and traumatic way to live.

[Ellin]

If you don't want to cut your H off, maybe you should take a break? Stop focusing on this whole mess, don't give your energy to this woman. Get out of home, get some beauty treatment or go away for a weekend. Catch up with old friends, do anything that is just for you, to make you feel better and take your mind off THIS.

 

You deserve it. You deserve to be free from it and to concentrate on youself and your pleasure, since your H seems to be neglecting that. Leave the grief to them for a while.

 

After that, with fresh mind and your self-esteem lifted you might see things a lot clearer and in a different light.

 

Take care.

[lbm74]

Silly girl,

I am here to listen with an open mind to any comments, but I feel like if I express my opinion on something I get berated. My H is in therapy, I have been in therapy, and we have been to therapy together. I know just about everything going on in the EA, as he has shown me numerous texts whenever I ask. He and I have spent numerous hours discussing things and I have known him for 18 years. I can read him like a book from the standpoint of knowing when something is "up," and I call him on it every time, and rightfully so. To some degree we almost over communicate at this point, where we lost so much of it last year. So when I say he is not spinning us both, I really mean it. It may sound naive, but it is true, and I know it to be so.

[lbm74]

Finally free,

You hit the nail on the head-that is my biggest problem. We over-communicate verbally, sometimes sickeningly so, and every time I ask him to show me a text, he does. However, my concerns lie in the fact that he could be deleting things that he doesn't want me to see. I have asked him to at least communicate with her in a nonsexual way while I am allowing the contact. What he shows me is just that, but sometimes I think I'm paranoid when I don't believe him, and wonder what he is deleting.

I know I should end things immediately, but I gave him until the end of the month so that he/we could get in more sessions with his therapist, as well as stressful work issues with him. I am sure it sounds wrong, but he makes more money than I do, so if I want child support, and to stay in this current house, I need him to have a job. So some of the waiting period is to simply keep things normal for myself and the kids should the separation occur.

[seren]

My H is involved in an EA for over a year now, and I have known for about 8 months. I outlined the details on the infidelity sight, and was recommended by one reply to check out this forum. My husband has been in counseling now for 7 months, and is trying to figure out why he is/has been doing this. We have 3 young boys together, and 18 years (8 married). He loves me dearly, but claims he loves this other woman too-but they have never been together-it has all been internet/phone/text, and very intense. Every time he tries a NC, something tragic happens to her. The first time, she was brutally sexually assaulted to the point where she ended up hospitalized and needed a hysterectomy. Just recently she was diagnosed with a life threatening form of lupus, giving her 10 years to live. BTW, she is a doctor. I think this is all BS, but she seems to have a good story to back it up all the time. He can't "in good conscience," set up a NC when she is in "such a bad place." He states he should at least be a friend to her during these difficult times. I tried to convince him that she is manipulating him, but his response is that I don't know her like he does, and she is not like that, besides what would she have to gain from that kind of manipulation?

WTF?? Anyone have any insight? Even his therapist thinks this is unlikely to be true.

 

IBM, my comment wasn't meant to berate you, I merely read you comment that you thought that some of the reasons given for her needing support were BS and your thoughts that she may be manipulating him. Similarly my comment about Lupus was based on my own experience of living with it for over 15 years and the positive results that are available with new treatments these days, including neurological Lupus, it isn't always terminal. It sounds like the OW is having a hard time coming to terms with her diagnosis (naturally) but I don't understand why it is felt that it is your H's role to support her. I cannot imagine staying knowing that there is still contact between them. As for my saying about posting on this board, I often post here and I am a XBS, just wondered why it was thought you would get a different response as all post on Infidelity forum. No offence meant at all.

 

Lastly, I knew my H for over 23 years when he had his A and I thought I knew everything there was to know about him and of him, after D Day, he promised I had it all, yet there were still things he with held as he didn't want to jeopardise our rebuilding our marriage. Not in a malicious way, just filtering the truth. best wishes.

[Mombot]

I have Lupus, systemic so organs affected too - yes it hurts, it is rarely life threatening these days. I agree that you need to make decisions about you, I sort of think it is a bit off being expected to hear about H's OW, especially if her situation is being used to stall him leaving, or you leaving or just sorting it out.

 

Are you sure he isn't spinning you both a line? I also cannot think why you would be advised to post on this forum.

Very sorry to hear about this chronic condition- must be hard for you.

[lbm74]

IBM, my comment wasn't meant to berate you, I merely read you comment that you thought that some of the reasons given for her needing support were BS and your thoughts that she may be manipulating him. Similarly my comment about Lupus was based on my own experience of living with it for over 15 years and the positive results that are available with new treatments these days, including neurological Lupus, it isn't always terminal. It sounds like the OW is having a hard time coming to terms with her diagnosis (naturally) but I don't understand why it is felt that it is your H's role to support her. I cannot imagine staying knowing that there is still contact between them. As for my saying about posting on this board, I often post here and I am a XBS, just wondered why it was thought you would get a different response as all post on Infidelity forum. No offence meant at all.

 

Lastly, I knew my H for over 23 years when he had his A and I thought I knew everything there was to know about him and of him, after D Day, he promised I had it all, yet there were still things he with held as he didn't want to jeopardise our rebuilding our marriage. Not in a malicious way, just filtering the truth. best wishes.

 

Sorry, I guess I got a bit defensive and took your post the wrong way. I appreciate your input.

So are you still with your H? Or is this a new H after ending with the old. I guess I am new to the lingo-xBS to me means ex-betrayed spouse, inferring he is now your ex-husband?

Which is why your last statement (which I see now is your quote) is confusing.

My husband tells me he often doesn't want me to see older texts (which are now gone) that had sexual details because he wanted to protect me from the unneccesary "extra" hurt that would cause. I understood, but in a stupidly cruel way still wanted to read it all.

I guess what I wanted to learn from posing questions here is to see if there was an OW who could help me to understand how she manipulated her MM, and get a sense of this OW. If she is willing to help in that way!

[lbm74]

And Seren,

I appreciate you being so open about your lupus. Glad to hear there are so many new treatments out there helping you, and I hope your pain is minimal and infrequent with your meds.

[seren]

Sorry, I guess I got a bit defensive and took your post the wrong way. I appreciate your input.

So are you still with your H? Or is this a new H after ending with the old. I guess I am new to the lingo-xBS to me means ex-betrayed spouse, inferring he is now your ex-husband?

Which is why your last statement (which I see now is your quote) is confusing.

My husband tells me he often doesn't want me to see older texts (which are now gone) that had sexual details because he wanted to protect me from the unneccesary "extra" hurt that would cause. I understood, but in a stupidly cruel way still wanted to read it all.

I guess what I wanted to learn from posing questions here is to see if there was an OW who could help me to understand how she manipulated her MM, and get a sense of this OW. If she is willing to help in that way!

 

 

No worries, you know there don't seem to be many (can't think of any) OW/OM on this board who have manipulated MM, mostly just people who fell in love or like with a man or woman who was married. XBS to me, means that I am no longer betrayed, I was, hence ex, and yes, still married to H, 2 yrs out from D Day and yes he is my MM, always was, the mistress bit is a tongue in cheek comment.

 

Can I suggest that the sex texts are in the past, I had these send to me and burnt them, the fact there was an A was enough to process. The focus becomes rebuilding a broken marriage, it can be done. As to him continuing to support OW, you don't sound happy about this (why would you be), I don't see how a marriage can be rebuilt until the A is over, now, not in however many days. You asked why he can't make a decision, the answer might be, because he doesn't have to, perhaps you are being too understanding.

[Ellin]

My H is involved in an EA for over a year now, and I have known for about 8 months. I outlined the details on the infidelity sight, and was recommended by one reply to check out this forum. My husband has been in counseling now for 7 months, and is trying to figure out why he is/has been doing this. We have 3 young boys together, and 18 years (8 married). He loves me dearly, but claims he loves this other woman too-but they have never been together-it has all been internet/phone/text, and very intense. Every time he tries a NC, something tragic happens to her. The first time, she was brutally sexually assaulted to the point where she ended up hospitalized and needed a hysterectomy. Just recently she was diagnosed with a life threatening form of lupus, giving her 10 years to live. BTW, she is a doctor. I think this is all BS, but she seems to have a good story to back it up all the time. He can't "in good conscience," set up a NC when she is in "such a bad place." He states he should at least be a friend to her during these difficult times. I tried to convince him that she is manipulating him, but his response is that I don't know her like he does, and she is not like that, besides what would she have to gain from that kind of manipulation?

WTF?? Anyone have any insight? Even his therapist thinks this is unlikely to be true.

I've only now read your thread on the Infidelity forum which give a lot more details.. You never mentioned here your H's fantasies.

 

I know someone who recently split up with his GF of 10 years because he wanted to fulfill his S/M fantasies and she wasn't prepared to explore it with him.

 

These things are very powerful and if he has such sexual impulses it would be best for him to be with someone who he can share them with. He doesn't want to include you in it "out of respect" but that creates a big problem because he has an unfulfilled needs that won't just go away and that's why he's looking to fulfill them elsewhere.

 

How would you feel about discussing it with him and do you see yourself possibly sharing his interests in this area?

[nadiaj2727]

I guess what I wanted to learn from posing questions here is to see if there was an OW who could help me to understand how she manipulated her MM, and get a sense of this OW. If she is willing to help in that way!

 

Hi, LBM, sorry to hear about your situation. I am a former OW, used to be here a lot and now I come and go.... I am not sure I have ever seen OW admit on this board that they manipulated their MM to stay with them... I would say the closest thing I've seen to that are OWs who may purposefully fall pregnant to their MM in the hopes of getting them to leave their wives or stay with the OW. And I'm not even sure if those OWs admitted that they were doing that as much as I just felt like that's what they were doing.

 

I think it would be hard to find anyone that admits they manipulated someone. I think most people feel they are the ones being manipulated. The perception is usually that MMs manipulate both their wives and their OWs. I do feel, however, that being in an affair takes manipulationg on both player's parts. Often the OW probably manipulates without realizing she's doing it... such as pressuring the MM to make a decision or withholding sex etc. But making up or exaggerating diseases to make MM stay with her... if that's what you fear your H's OW is doing... is very extreme and I can't remember seeing anything like that before.

 

Maybe this woman really does have those diseases and problems? Or else she may be very mentally unstable with issues. The question for me is why your H buys into it and wants to stay with her and chooses her over your marriage. Have you thought of saying, okay, go be with her in real life and take care of her since you can't cut off contact with her? That might snap him out of his fantasy world really quickly.

 

In any case I don't feel you deserve this and I hope you can get out of this awful situation. Best wishes.