is he flicking me off? :(

[raisondetre]

for around six months i've been kind of seeing this guy. he completely pursued me - he lives in another city, but we would Skype or call each other most nights, text often & he would write me letters. all very sweet. we met up three times - he stayed with me for a week, i stayed with him, and then.. just the weekend been, we were conveniently in the same city so we stayed in a hotel together.

 

he has always expressed how much he likes me, but the distance has always been an issue. well, after this weekend - he hasnt talked to me. i was chatting to him on Skype and he wasnt himself and very distant. he avoided a lot of the questions i asked, simply saying "sorry, my head isnt there atm". to completely change after a mere 48hours, and our time together was perfect as usual. we get along so well, and i just do not understand.

 

he said goodnight abruptly, and when i asked why he was leaving he said he didnt know what to do and that he needed time to clear his head and think about things.

 

is he scared perhaps of commitment, or maybe having strong feeling for me? or is this simply him now, out of the blue, flicking me off?

 

i'm very upset and hurt as i have invested a lot of time into this, and really like and care for him. please offer any advice

[Eeyore79]

How far apart are you? Would it be reasonably easy for you to move to be together at some point, or not?

[raisondetre]

we live around a four hour flight apart - i suppose it would be quite difficult as we are both studying in these separate cities. i'm just really hurt and unsure what to do.

[brainygirl]

I'm so sorry this has happened. I don't know that there's a whole lot you can do from where you are.

 

If he's lost interest in the relationship, then constantly emailling him and calling him won't change his mind. I'd send him one last email saying you missed him and wished you knew what happened and then no more contact from you. If he decides to email you then its on him.

 

And it could be that he was broke and didn't pay the internet bill or has been busy or anything really, so until you know for sure, try not to run him down too much, but don't sit at home moping about him either.

[curlygirl40]

Hi there

 

With the distance there could be many reasons why he's acting this way. But I wanted to share something.

 

I have been casually dating a guy for a few months who is hot and cold. A friend recommended a book and I just got done reading it. It's called 'Mars and Venus on a date'. Some of it is a little old fashioned and out dated but one thing that I think is relevant (and could be to you to) is about the stage John Gray calls the 'uncertainty' stage.

 

Here's the quote:

It is in this stage that the old saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' applies. If he pulls away, she should gracefully allow him to take his distance. A woman needs to remember that men are like rubber bands. They pull away. If you don't run after them, they will spring back. After he springs back a few times, he will have the certainty that she is the one with whom he would like to pursue a steady or exclustive relationship.

 

It goes on to say that if when the man becomes uncertain, the woman pursues him, then he isn't given the distance and space he needs to figure out on his own how much he likes the woman. If the woman makes the mistake of pursuing him more than he is pursuing her, or of chasing him when he pulls away, then he never gets the distance he needs to miss her and realize how much he likes her. It's like you could be sabotaging any potential relationship by chasing him during this stage.

 

Interesting theory I thought.

 

Of course there could be other things going on. He could have met someone, the distance could be bothering him, etc., etc. But I think the whole 'push/pull' thing could be going on here.

 

It's the whole 'love something and set it free...' thing. If he doesn't bounce back after he pulls away, then he has for some reason decided you weren't the one for him.

 

Good luck!! I'm on day 2 of not calling/texting my rubber band right now. Makes me loopy to not reach out cuz I miss him. But if that's what's going on, I want to give him the space he needs to miss me also and realize how much he likes me w/o me being in his face.

[Eeyore79]

I can understand the problem; money is probably tight while you're at college, so you'll rarely be able to meet up, and college is a time when people want to be out having fun, not being in an LDR with someone they rarely see. A college aged guy usually isn't thinking about commitment, about finding the right woman and having a lasting relationship with her, about moving halfway across the country to be with her... an LDR isn't worth the effort unless it's serious, and he's not yet at the life stage where he's prepared to make an effort to hang onto a serious relationship prospect.

 

I think the best thing you can do is just let go of this. If he comes back, fine... if he doesn't, well, you're young and college is the most social time of your life, you'll meet someone else.

[raisondetre]

Thank you so much for your helpful responses.

I guess I'm just feeling really hurt, and confused.. six months of him being the one who has entirely pursued me, and been a complete gentleman - to suddenly being distant and not wanting to talk to me in the space of a weekend.

 

I do believe you are right with the push/pull theory... I will try that and see how it goes. It will drive me crazy - we talk almost every night, and have for the past six months or so. Good luck with your man my fingers are crossed for you lovely.

 

I know he had an extremely bad break up around a year ago that really hurt him. I was thinking perhaps he was overwhelmed and now pushing me away because he may be feeling attached and worried a similar thing will happen with us.. who knows. I Just really like and care about this guy.