How bad is this?

[gopher]

Thank you all for your input, and for being so non-judgmental while being frank and honest. I know what you're saying is right, and I need to end this before anyone other than the two of us gets hurt. I was dreading reading the responses here, expecting that all of you burned a scarlet "A" into my chest, but I really appreciate the understanding.

 

Since I posted, I've been through a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. If I hadn't heard from him last night, the next thing I would have said to him is that we need to stop now. I still think that's the best approach, but I'll be honest...I'm already in it...

 

If you were at the beginning stage of a regular relationship, what you are feeling would be call a crush. It's a reminder of something you haven't felt in a long time. It gives you an amazing rush. You get addicted to it and want more and more. You finally have found something you connect with on all levels. Your "other" life feels like you were just existing.

 

That is all temporary though....and eventually one of you will take it the next step and ask for a divorce. Based on posts in this forum from OW's. I am betting it is you. He will come up with a bunch of excuses as to why he can't now....his kids, his job...finances. You will be stuck in limbo waiting on him. Weeks, months and maybe years go by as you continue to dream about a life together. Does it happen? Again, based on LS, it does for some. But, for the vast, vast majority, it seems they are in limbo. But, they hold on to the fact that it happened to some. They believe they are meant to be together and there is only one thing stopping them....and almost always it appears to be the guy not wanting to divorce his wife.

 

Of all the posters, 2sure has the best handle on it. She's been on all sides of it. After she was finally with her OM, the jerk cheated on her with a bunch of OW's.

 

So, you still are at the start of this. The odds are definitely not in your favor to live happily ever after. Based on that, you have to ask yourself, is what you are betting worth the risk? Only you can answer that.

Edited August 11, 2010 by gopher

[carrie999]

If you were at the beginning stage of a regular relationship, what you are feeling would be call a crush. It's a reminder of something you haven't felt in a long time. It gives you an amazing rush. You get addicted to it and want more and more. You finally have found something you connect with on all levels. Your "other" life feels like you were just existing.

 

That is all temporary though....and eventually one of you will take it the next step and ask for a divorce. Based on posts in this forum from OW's. I am betting it is you. He will come up with a bunch of excuses as to why he can't now....his kids, his job...finances. You will be stuck in limbo waiting on him. Weeks, months and maybe years go by as you continue to dream about a life together. Does it happen? Again, based on LS, it does for some. But, for the vast, vast majority, it seems they are in limbo. But, they hold on to the fact that it happened to some. They believe they are meant to be together and there is only one thing stopping them....and almost always it appears to be the guy not wanting to divorce his wife.

 

Of all the posters, 2sure has the best handle on it. She's been on all sides of it. After she was finally with her OM, the jerk cheated on her with a bunch of OW's.

 

So, you still are at the start of this. The odds are definitely not in your favor to live happily ever after. Based on that, you have to ask yourself, is what you are betting worth the risk? Only you can answer that.

 

You're absolutely right. I'm sure I'm just missing that rush in the initial stages of a relationship. But I don't think that either of us will be calling for divorce. Again, I'm here on this board asking for your advice, so I'm in uncharted waters and you're probably right about the depth of emotional involvement that will ensue.

 

I'm not ready to stop entirely yet. We live really far apart, and even if this was a "normal" relationship, we'd be a statistical anomaly if we actually made it work. Fact is, even with occasional chats, it would never be enough...

 

I'm counting on distance and fear of getting caught to let this die down. The excitement will fade before we spend enough time together to get caught. I've been through enough normal relationships not to put faith in much of anything until I met my husband.

 

Even tonight, when we chatted, it was totally innocent. No "sexting" or whatever. We actually talked about things real friends would discuss, including how he met her and I met him. We didn't analyze whatever has happened with us, but we just talked like good friends would.

 

I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet...this might just end without discussion. There might be a happy ending in sight. He loves her, I love him, and the four of us get along extremely well. Nobody suspects anything. Maybe there is no need for full disclosure, or a formal end to what happened between us. Maybe this can have a happy ending in which we all remain friends without sexual overtones...

[Silly_Girl]

If your respective partners know about this contact you have nothing to worry about. Enjoy the friendship.

 

Do they know?

[JustJoe]

Carrie, with all due respect, you are in denial. A fire will not die by itself as long as you and him are still adding fuel to it. You MUST put a stop to it formally and completely, now while it is still small, or it will get hotter and brighter, until somebody notices the fire, then it will burn you, him, and the two innocent spouses. This is not some silly childish HS crush, you are actively participating in an EA and BOTH of you are now cheaters, and it's only going to get worse. You THINK that nobody notices, but how many times are the two of you, the last people to go to bed? If your H and his W were the last two people to stay up, how long would it take for you to notice? Especially if it is a repeat occurance. STOP IT NOW, or you will be very sorry in the future. You must have no contact with him , outside the group, and you must start now, the longer you wait the worse it will be.

[carrie999]

Carrie, with all due respect, you are in denial. A fire will not die by itself as long as you and him are still adding fuel to it. You MUST put a stop to it formally and completely, now while it is still small, or it will get hotter and brighter, until somebody notices the fire, then it will burn you, him, and the two innocent spouses. This is not some silly childish HS crush, you are actively participating in an EA and BOTH of you are now cheaters, and it's only going to get worse. You THINK that nobody notices, but how many times are the two of you, the last people to go to bed? If your H and his W were the last two people to stay up, how long would it take for you to notice? Especially if it is a repeat occurance. STOP IT NOW, or you will be very sorry in the future. You must have no contact with him , outside the group, and you must start now, the longer you wait the worse it will be.

 

Joe, I'm not in denial. And thanks for your input. We talked about it, and decided to remain friends. We've decided to let go of whatever sexual connection was between us, and only keep in touch in ways that are totally okay with our spouses.

 

I know that was arose with him was something that was hard to reconcile with my own beliefs about marriage...we really have a connection. But we live states apart, and rather than trying to hide what we have, we've chosen to be friends, to the point where my Facebook remains open to anyone in our house, and even if he messaged me, I wouldn't worry about anyone seeing it.

 

In short, we've come to our senses. Our marriages and long-term friendship is our priority...

[Confused4Now]

Honestly, I'm so tired of seeing people who think they own Loveshack telling other people on an OPEN FORUM that they are not welcome to post. It's rude.

Yes a OPEN FORUM which is titled "The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner."

Maybe we need a OPEN FORUM for "The Betrayed Man / Woman?

Think of this....I wouldn't go into a Chevy Camaro forum and talk about a Chevy Corvette...I'd go to the Chevy Corvette forum.

Edited August 14, 2010 by Confused4Now

[Spark1111]

Joe, I'm not in denial. And thanks for your input. We talked about it, and decided to remain friends. We've decided to let go of whatever sexual connection was between us, and only keep in touch in ways that are totally okay with our spouses.

 

I know that was arose with him was something that was hard to reconcile with my own beliefs about marriage...we really have a connection. But we live states apart, and rather than trying to hide what we have, we've chosen to be friends, to the point where my Facebook remains open to anyone in our house, and even if he messaged me, I wouldn't worry about anyone seeing it.

 

In short, we've come to our senses. Our marriages and long-term friendship is our priority...

 

Glad to hear it!

 

Carrie, no matter what side of the triangle you might fall on, there is nothing but pain and heartache in the decision to fuel that attraction.

 

Keep reading here, and you'll see very few happy outcomes.

 

And remember, the AP is the ONLY PERSON who will willingly help you betray those fundamental aspects of yourself that you currently hold dear: your integrity, self-respect, and family values.

 

Why? Because it feels good.....

 

Not one other person in your life, be it friend, family, colleagues or anonymous bloggers would EVER encourage you to risk a happy marriage and family life for a "connection" to someone else.

 

Not ONE, except the person fueling that connection with you.

 

Remember that...please.

[2sunny]

Joe, I'm not in denial. And thanks for your input. We talked about it, and decided to remain friends. We've decided to let go of whatever sexual connection was between us, and only keep in touch in ways that are totally okay with our spouses.

 

I know that was arose with him was something that was hard to reconcile with my own beliefs about marriage...we really have a connection. But we live states apart, and rather than trying to hide what we have, we've chosen to be friends, to the point where my Facebook remains open to anyone in our house, and even if he messaged me, I wouldn't worry about anyone seeing it.

 

In short, we've come to our senses. Our marriages and long-term friendship is our priority...

 

ok - so you both changed the rules now out of guilt (or maybe only ONE of you changed the rules?). either way - things have changed now.

 

 

let me ask you this... did your H and his W know that you both were intimate? if not - they deserve to understand this part. IF they don't have any issue with it you have the green light to resume the friendship - if they do, then you should consider no contact with each other. to respect the marriage(s) should come first since you both took a vow... IF either spouse has a problem after FULL disclosure - then to respect the vow you took should be top on the list.

 

i can't see that staying friendly with him is going to be healthy for your M. you will spend time and energy on this MM that you could spend focusing on your H. that takes away from the M and the potential of how great the M COULD be. this isn't right... it's not proper order.

 

has this been a secret? IF it's been a secret from either spouse then you both know it's wrong. you may be disclosing the friendship now - but have you been completely honest about what depth it has been in the past - or are you trying to pass it off as no big deal while you've tried to change the way it used to look so no one suspects? have you disclosed to spouses that the action taken were enjoyed and may intrude on the intimacy level of each M?

 

IF it shouldn't be a problem - you would be honest with your H about everything - and allow him the opportunity to decide what he wants from his W and his M... if he decides he doesn't want what you have offered him - then you have to understand that is what honesty brings... if he decides he can live with a wife that takes the intimacy outside the M then you are cool to continue the friendship with a MM, given that you also get approval from your MM about stepping into their M as well.

 

 

honesty is key. proper order helps. IF you intended to be intimate with someone outside your M - it would have been respectful to your H to discuss this BEFORE you took action. now that you have things out of order - it's appropriate to respect your husband at this lower level and be completely honest with him. YOU put your M at risk. your H has a right to know this. he can approve the future contact with your "friend" - or he can say no.

 

if your H says NO CONTACT - would you abide by his word and respect your H and the M enough to shut down any form of communicating with your MM?

that answer would be very telling as far as your intentions and priorities...

[carrie999]

if your H says NO CONTACT - would you abide by his word and respect your H and the M enough to shut down any form of communicating with your MM?

that answer would be very telling as far as your intentions and priorities...

 

To answer your question, if I did tell H and he said he never wanted me to talk to him again, I would abide by it. But I don't plan on telling him.

 

I didn't say any of this was proper or okay. I have to disagree with full disclosure, though I understand that you and many others think it's essential. Long before I ever found myself in this situation, I formulated my opinion about honesty in cases like these. As long as the affair ends and neither party chooses to continue, honesty only hurts everyone else involved.

 

I don't think there are any written rules for acceptable handling the aftermath of cheating. There are too many unique factors at play that need to be taken into account. In my case, if it ever came up, I'd be honest about it. But there is no reason to hurt wonderful people by telling them about it.

 

If the situation was reversed, I know I'd rather not know, unless it turned into an actual affair that meant we were living a lie. This happened to a close friend of mine years ago, and she was devastated and said she wished she just never knew, and even thought it was more selfish of him to "unburden" himself by being honest.

 

There are no right answers.

[Silly_Girl]

Have you considered getting counselling? It may help you get your head straight with regards to how you ended up betraying your husband despite having what you fundamentally believe to be a good marriage. Especially as your boundaries are now blurred. Without disclosure you've 'got away with 'it' and something/someone else could crop up in a few months or a year and you will be under the illusion that you're in control and can handle it...

[torranceshipman]

you make some valid points, but i am struggling with something. A few people on here have said they do not think he told his W.

 

In our R he was the one who wanted to tell her, i was trying to talk him out of it. A few weeks ago I told him that my feelings were getting stronger for him, so i wanted to end it. I told him we should take a break from eachother, get some space as i could never ever ask or force him to leave his W. He went for 4 days without contacting me. He Called me up and told me he could not be without me. He convinced me that we should make a go of it and after some thought, i agreed. He then told his wife. (Or at least told me he told his wife) - Why would he lie about this to get rid of me, when I ended it just the week before?

 

Why? It's a game to him - plus as he is in it for the ego boost, he probably wanted to be the one to tell YOU that it was over, not the other way round. Also, you were only ending it because of the severe impact you thought the A would have on his M, and all of a sudden your conversations were getting oh so serious. This guy does NOT want to get reminded constantly of the repercussions of his A, and the things he'd lose if he left his W, because a) he is only in this for the fun, not to feel guilty and reminded of what a douche he is, and b) he knows full well he isn't leaving his W. Better for him to play along with your concern for a bit (as that was what the 'lets end it' motivation was for you, wasn't it?), then to end up neatly a week later with 'I told her and we are reconciling and now I'm not allowed to speak with you anymore (what is he, 6?!). That last statement of his was obviously untrue.

 

I guess the biggest lesson here is to understand that some people just lie with impunity, and in a sense, it is a waste of time even trying to understand why they do it...