Five years of dating and he still is not divorced...

[Doormat123]

Been dating this great guy on and off for five years. He had been separated for six months when we met and I asked him if he left his ex and son pre-maturely. He was very depressed and always seemed like he was somewhere else when we were together. I offered him the chance to go back and ask his ex for counselling to try again as I told him it is hard to lose a family. I myself have been divorced for almost ten years myself and know how hard it is to leave even though you are unhappy. I was in an abusive relationship and it took me years to get the courage to leave.

 

Reason for us being on/off is he decided to try again with his ex as he said he missed his family and was having anxiety issues away from his son. Problem is is he never took my offer up and decided to do this while he was still with me and we were still intimate. He gets his son every four days as his wife is a shift worker. He did finally go to counselling for this issue and I hope it is dealt with. First time he went back he was seeing both of us at the same time. He and both his ex told me there was no intimacy between them just spending time as a family. The first time she called me and asked me what was going on. She gave him a choice her or me and he chose me. Took me a long time to get over and forgive him but I recognize the loss of a family is hard to deal with and I forgave him. Problem after that is she totally controls and dictates when and where I can be. I am not allowed to go to their son's sporting events and the one time I did it created WWIII. She also bad mouths me and curses me toher son and her son is having anxiety difficulties and is under pressure to lie to her so not to hurt her. Second time was due to my fault. The insecurities inside me caused by the first time he cheated on me caused me great difficulties when he was with her and their son. I did not trust him and she always sent me emails telling me how great of a time they had and how much he told her he wanted his family back and how much he loved her still. He on the other hand told me she was lying. I could get no straight answers from anyone and I knew she was on a dating site and I pretended to be a guy looking for a date and she just let the information flow to a complete stranger without me even having to ask. It all came down to her son not liking my son and he is forced to be around us and many nasty and rude comments about me and my children, the way I look and the size of my boobs. While I am an adult and can handle this and understand her bitterness I had had enough. I confronted him and he broke up with me due to my doing this and said I was a liar and could not be trusted. I told him that had all of this not happened in the past, I never would have felt the need to do what I did. His ex said I should go to jail and since she works at a police station she was going to be sure of it. He kept in touch with me and told me not to give up and how much he loved me and I believed him and said it would take time to trust again.

 

I begged him to spend new years with me and he said he was going to take his sons to his friends but I knew something was up I felt it. I stayed home, told him I was going away and then drove to his exes house and sure enough he was there. He lied to me and I confronted him and her and they then said they were going to throw me in jail. After all this I AGAIN stupidly forgave him and we are still dating. I know he is not with her and truly it is over now but the huge issue now is that I have not been around his son when he has his son for over two years. I feel I have been more than patient and understanding through all this BS and have always put his, his son's and even his exes feelings before my own. She told him that he should not be with me and that she will not allow her son around me due to what I did with the computer which I may add was two years ago. She did some really awful things to me and I even called her and said look lets be adults and let it go. I am terribly sorry for what I did and did not mean to hurt anyone but my insecurities caused me to do it and I was being lied to by both of them. She hung up on me and here I am today still not allowed to go to any sporting events for his son yet he comes and goes in my life and my children's life which is how it should be after that amount of time.

 

He is not divorced and told me he will get one when he is ready. For the past five years he has taken his son away for a week in the summer for "their" vacation and this summer has been no different. He has not asked me to do anything with him nor go away for even a weekend. And yet he can go away with his friends and his son and I cannot even drag him away from work for a few days. He HAS asked me a few times to come to his house for a few hours with my kids off and on but it has not always worked out but he told me a few days ago that his son was again going to counselling due to some anxiety issues. His ex called and yelled at him and told him he was a liar and to stop lying to his son that he was not with me and he said he never told his son anything. When he confronted his son his son said he would rather lie than her his mom curse and swear about us and about me. I am just so frustrated that I feel I am living under control of his exes demands. I did sleep at his house once about three years ago when his son was there but he made me sleep in the basement in a spare room which at times I understand but now it has been two years since I have been around his son and feel like I am further back than ever. He blames me because I constantly voice my frustrations and get angry at the way things are and beg him to change them as it is unfair to my children that he comes and goes and I need pre-approval from his ex before I can go anywhere. She has not gotten a boyfriend and I know until she does she will not allow me around their son but I am positive when she gets a great guy she will take him to their son's sporting events and rub it in his face, then and only then will I be allowed in the picture.

 

It is absoloutely ridiculous and I am so tired that I told him I am ready to walk away. My children are 11 and 18 (two boys) and his son is 11. My boyfriend tells me baby steps but I mean after all this time I wonder if anything is ever going to change. I cannot talk to him because he gets angry at me and tells me to relax and let it happen but like I said after this amount of time is it ever going to change as I am growing old waiting for this man to make a move. I am to the point where I told him a few days ago I am done. He then calls me and says ok I am sorry I know I am wrong and understand and then says what do you want changed. I have had at least 100 conversations and even more email telling him I am easy to please and just want to be a part of his life and have the freedom to be where he is without the BS or pre-approvals etc or maybe wait til next season answer. I told him if he does not know by now he will never know and I truly do not want to tell him again as it is getting old. It is beginning of August and the whole summer will have come and gone and I have yet to be asked by him to go away on a trip, vacation or anything. He says Id love to go on a trip with you, I had a dream about us being away and really I told him that is all they are is dreams because he says things and then never does them.

 

Am I complete fool to believe this will ever change? And as I am writing this he just text me and said I can drive to his house and go with him and his son for a walk with the dogs for an hour or so. I guess I have to start somewhere but I am even unsure if I have anything left to try and be the patient annd understanding person I used to be. The lies and betrayal from the past are killing me and I don't know if he will ever divorce or really set boundaries with his ex so that we can be stress free. Should I keep trying and be the good little pretty girlfriend who just stands there and says nothing? Or do I finally give him an ultimatum. The drama and disappointment is really unbearable at times. Please help

[BB07]

You have suffered more than enough and you are still allowing it. Please STOP it now. To drag these kids through this, (all of them) has had to be hell for them and more than likely they have suffered horrendously.

 

I don't see how this could ever have a happy ending. This man has proven to you time and time again that he is no good. He keeps you on a string. It's time to give up the dream........this man is no prize, in fact, I didn't see where you mentioned one redeeming quality he has. Please stop the DRAMA for all of your sakes.

[Doormat123]

There would be no drama if he actually did half the things he said he would or "dreams" of. All I want is to have a peaceful relationship. To have someone who includes me in his life as much as he can. She will eventually find a man and be happy and let it go but as they say misery loves company. Even tho she may still not want him she cetainly does not want me to either. I did at one time tell him he was not allowed in my children's lives until he allowed and granted me the same respect. I guess it is my fault as well to allow it to continue. I love him and believe him when he promises things will change.

[Doormat123]

You have suffered more than enough and you are still allowing it. Please STOP it now. To drag these kids through this, (all of them) has had to be hell for them and more than likely they have suffered horrendously.

 

I don't see how this could ever have a happy ending. This man has proven to you time and time again that he is no good. He keeps you on a string. It's time to give up the dream........this man is no prize, in fact, I didn't see where you mentioned one redeeming quality he has. Please stop the DRAMA for all of your sakes.

 

I guess I want to believe things will change. My kids love him and love spending time with him. I suppose my background and history and being tolerant in an abusive relationship for so long does not help either that I tend to hold on longer than I should. I guess it is true that nice guys finish last.

[BB07]

I guess I want to believe things will change. My kids love him and love spending time with him. I suppose my background and history and being tolerant in an abusive relationship for so long does not help either that I tend to hold on longer than I should. I guess it is true that nice guys finish last.

 

I have my own issues from my childhood, so I get that, but you deserve better......and should demand it. Stop being a doormat and stop thinking of yourself that way. Look at it this way, you ARE a STRONG woman, you survived abuse, you can survive losing this loser too. Remember......you are a survivor, not a victim. Start acting like it.

 

I'm sorry but after 5 years, you shouldn't and can't expect him to keep his promises, he won't. Do you want to waste another 5 years like this?

[Butterfly11]

I am going through a similar situation with my fMM. Though he is D now, he still keeps that we are a couple a secret from his kids and basically doesn't mention me at all to his exW. He tells me that he needs to tell them in his own time frame, that things will fall into place...when, who knows.

 

I understand your impatience as I am getting impatient too. I don't think it is fair either that our kids get to be around them but we don't get the same treatment with their kids. However as my SO explained it to me, his kids have been through a lot, they've had to deal with their parents separating, the dad moving out, the whole D...why add more stress to their lives by adding you to it too quickly. There really isn't a time line for things to fall into place, but I think if things are progressing forward, just be patient.

 

But five years is a long time...

[bentnotbroken]

There would be no drama if he actually did half the things he said he would or "dreams" of. All I want is to have a peaceful relationship. To have someone who includes me in his life as much as he can. She will eventually find a man and be happy and let it go but as they say misery loves company. Even tho she may still not want him she cetainly does not want me to either. I did at one time tell him he was not allowed in my children's lives until he allowed and granted me the same respect. I guess it is my fault as well to allow it to continue. I love him and believe him when he promises things will change.

 

 

There wouldn't be any drama(for you anyway) if you weren't involved. It doesn't take five years and him telling you he will divorce when he feels like it, to figure out this a twisted situation that you DON'T have to be involved in.

 

And as a mother who still happens to be his wife, you don't get a say about how or when you are involved in her children's life. You control who you introduce your children to(this shouldn't have been one) and that's all.

 

You can sit in a garage all day,everyday and believe you are a car, that doesn't make it true and eventually you will figure that out and leave the garage.

[2sunny]

Am I complete fool to believe this will ever change?

 

yes. stay away from him. seriously. YOU have choices and you choose him every time. stop choosing him. seriously.

[Ms. Red]

You can sit in a garage all day,everyday and believe you are a car, that doesn't make it true and eventually you will figure that out and leave the garage.

 

LoL Bent, you crack me up with your proverbs. Where do you get them?

 

OP, you need to search a member; Brokenlady. You and she share a similar story. In her case, he was divorced and they were engaged complete w/ the ring.

[OWoman]

Doormat - this guy is seriously broken. Do you want a partner, or a project?

[Silly_Girl]

Sweetie - your username proves you know exactly what the score is. The hard part now is working out how to get yourself to a better place. If you're ready to do that?

[Owl]

He hasn't divorced because he has no reason to.

 

He has you, he has her, and he has his family.

 

He's got no reason to take action to lose any of those.

 

And as long as all of those go along and play the game and let him keep doing this...he will.

 

The real question becomes...when will YOU have had enough to actually, actively make a change in your life?

[bentnotbroken]

LoL Bent, you crack me up with your proverbs. Where do you get them?

 

OP, you need to search a member; Brokenlady. You and she share a similar story. In her case, he was divorced and they were engaged complete w/ the ring.

 

 

Glad you like my little ditties. The car analogy is actually one that I heard Joyce Meyer use regularly. I liked it and thought if fit that post. Thank you Joyce.

[Windblue]

and he never will...he's stringing you along...read it! it's right there. Begging...what is that about? Putting your kids in this situation??? I just don't understand.. OMG... Five years is much wasted time...maybe he'll finally divorce in about another 5 or 10...ha doesn't matter because your not going anywhere...you've proven that.

 

good luck