DreamerGirl27 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Okay, so I've recently been posting about this guy I like and that is no longer a problem, I have that all sorted out. But...my mom constantly says things that I don't get and/or agree with and/or think she is trying to sway me into thinking like her. (and it works, unfortunately) I told this guy (the one I've been posting about) that I like him (like that) kind of early on into meeting. Like, a month or so after talking. I kind of did it impulsively and it was over text (not the smartest idea, I know). But I did it with strong encouragement from a friend and I couldn't go back and undo it. So, great, that's fine. I really wasn't that upset about it. A few months later I find out he doesn't like me like that (he flat out tells me over IM one night). So, I was crushed, the whole shebang, etc... Well anyway, moving on to not caring about that anymore (the guy and I are still really good friends) but my mom is convinced it's because I told him I like him that he doesn't like me and I've made a lot of comments referring to it since then to him. She says no guy likes that and that it's a huge turn off, because no matter what anyone tells you, guys and girls are not the same and guys have a need to "pursue" women. She basically thinks really old fashionably and thinks a girl is supposed to basically sit there and look pretty and wait for a guy to come to you. She thinks that all guys are about sex and that you can't tell guys everything like you tell a girlfriend. She said, "maybe after you've been married for 30 years, but not in the beginning". I HIGHLY disagree with this, and so does my guy friend. He comes from the perspective that guys and girls can be friends and that they are basically the same in most aspects and that you can talk to any of your guy friends like you do your girlfriends. My mom thinks he doesn't know what he's talking about. My mom...SOUNDS like she comes from the perspective that guys and girls CAN'T be friends, but says the opposite when you talk to her about it. When I say stuff like, "well he should like me regardless of whether he's attracted to me or not, because guys are just about sex and guys and girls can't be friends". She'll go "guys and girls can be friends". ??!!! I am so confused talking to her about this stuff, because my closest friends are very sociable, have lots of friends of the same and opposite sex and even my really good, close, Christian/conservative girlfriend thinks it's perfectly fine to "pursue" a guy if you really like him. She doesn't see anything wrong with it. Well anyway...I guess all I am trying to say is...is my mom really weird? lol Or does she have a point? Are girls supposed to be careful what they tell guys and if they tell a guy they like him, does that turn him off and make it look, I dunno, I guess, desperate? I've constantly had this theory drilled into my head my entire life, but when a guy talks to me a lot and wants to get to know me (even if it is as a friend, which is actually the BEST way to go about getting to know me and I love it when a guy does that)...I will basically tell him anything and be really open and honest with him because I'm comfortable. Granted...I probably could've gone about telling him a bit differently and probably should've waited longer, but I didn't and I don't regret it. My mom is making me feel like I should and that is the ONLY reason why he doesn't like me like that, whether he "knows" it or not. She thinks I completely screwed everything up for myself by basically being honest with my feelings and saying "hey, I like you". Seriously need help/opinions!!
Author DreamerGirl27 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 anyone care to shed some light on this?
Scottdmw Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Regarding whether to pursue a guy, I think it depends. The reason you get conflicting answers is people don't always have the same picture in their heads when you ask. First case, you're talking about a guy that really likes you already. Maybe he is the shy type or the take it slow type or for some reason like that has not pursued you, but he knows that he likes you. I think you can get away with asking that guy out yourself. I had this happen to me back in college where there was a girl I liked it but thought it was a bad idea to pursue. She pursued me and we ended up dating for several months. Second case, you're talking about a guy that feels ambivalent about you. Sometimes he likes you, sometimes he doesn't. Maybe he doesn't really have a strong opinion of you. Maybe he doesn't know you very well. Maybe he thinks you're a nice person but is not that attracted. In these cases, I think you do run a risk if you do the pursuing. As a guy who has had this happen a couple of times, I really do think that a couple of girls have turned me off a bit by pursuing. Now, maybe it wouldn't have mattered anyway, maybe I wouldn't have wanted to be with those women no matter what they did. But, I'm pretty sure that it was a negative effect when they chose to pursue me, albeit not a huge one. As far as being really open and honest, I'd say yes most of the time. Certainly if a guy asks you about something point-blank lying about it is a bad idea. That said, I have had women volunteer information early on about things like health problems that did turn me off. I would say you should be as open as you can but be mindful of things that might be turnoffs, and just try not to go there in the early stages of the relationship unless the guy asks or unless it's something he really deserves to know (ie STDs or something that affects him directly). He is not your girlfriend and should not be used for too much emotional support too early on. I do think men and women can be friends, but it is always complicated by attraction. I'd say that if a man is attracted to you he is always going to hope that you will someday be his girlfriend not just friend. He may be willing to settle for friendship in hopes of that, he may even be willing to settle for friendship knowing that it is almost certainly not going to happen. However, he will still want it. If you enter into a friendship with a man that's attracted to you, you must be willing to accept that, and understand that feelings may be complicated down the line. Of course, if there are no feelings of attraction on either side, it's not a problem to be friends. Scott
Author DreamerGirl27 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 What about if the situation is reversed? I like this guy who has stated he is not romantically or sexually attracted to me, but wants to remain friends, and I am staying his friend 1) hoping he'll change his mind and 2) knowing it probably won't happen that way, but still hoping anyway. Is that normal for a girl? Or does this usually happen with guys?
Scottdmw Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I've had women that I'm pretty sure were doing that with me. It certainly never bothered me, I was always happy to hang out with them and had fun. The danger is always for the person that has the feelings of attraction. There is a chance, probably small, that you will bring the other person around. There is a much larger chance that you will only get friendship. That's fine if you're really okay with that. But, there is a definite danger that you will waste time with a person or get your feelings hurt. I've done it before and I'm doing it now, so I don't let it stop me, but it's just something to keep in mind.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 My mom...SOUNDS like she comes from the perspective that guys and girls CAN'T be friends, but says the opposite when you talk to her about it. When I say stuff like, "well he should like me regardless of whether he's attracted to me or not, because guys are just about sex and guys and girls can't be friends". She'll go "guys and girls can be friends". ??!!! The only reason guys are hanging around you (away from the work environment) is because they want to bang you. It couldn't be more simple and concise.
Author DreamerGirl27 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 The only reason guys are hanging around you (away from the work environment) is because they want to bang you. It couldn't be more simple and concise. So you're saying my mom is right?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 So you're saying my mom is right? No, I'm saying that any guy hovering around you while seeming to want to offer you the finest friendship you ever fathomed, with nothing in return, is really just waiting in line for (what he fully believes is) a chance to bang you.
Author DreamerGirl27 Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 No, I'm saying that any guy hovering around you while seeming to want to offer you the finest friendship you ever fathomed, with nothing in return, is really just waiting in line for (what he fully believes is) a chance to bang you. let's hope that's true then? cause he's been hovering for awhile and I'm kind of wanting him to stop hovering, but he says he's not interested. I keep getting so many different answers to this.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Males, when left to their own devices, simply do not do the friendship-with-women-for-the-sake-of-friendship thing (at least in real life - the internet is a different story, in part because of the vast numbers and in part because of the vast distance).
Jilly Bean Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 She says no guy likes that and that it's a huge turn off, because no matter what anyone tells you, guys and girls are not the same and guys have a need to "pursue" women. She's 100% accurate, IMO. You will find far less success stories of women pursuing men romantically, than you will of men going after women. It's biological hardwiring. Read some of John Gray's books - Mars and Venus stuff. Spot on about gender roles and dating/relationships.
BlackLovely Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 She's 100% accurate, IMO. You will find far less success stories of women pursuing men romantically, than you will of men going after women. It's biological hardwiring. Read some of John Gray's books - Mars and Venus stuff. Spot on about gender roles and dating/relationships. As much as women don't want to accept this, some things never change. When I was single, I found that the less I pursued a man, the more he chased me. I was smitten the night I met my fiance, but I wouldn't call him after the first date, even though I wanted to jump his bones! I also think it's good not to make yourself too available right at the beginning. If I liked a man I was dating, I would purposely not answer his calls. More often than not, I was free to talk, but it was about not appearing too eager. Game playing? Yes, of course. Men play games to get women into bed; it's all good. I agree with SincereOnline, straight men don't want to be friends.
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