Doormat123 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Been dating this great guy on and off for five years. Reason for on/off is he decided to try again with his ex as he said he missed his family and was having anxiety issues away from his son. He gets his son every four days as his wife is a shift worker. He did finally go to counselling for this issue and I hope it is dealt with. First time he went back he was seeing both of us at the same time. He and both his ex told me there was no intimacy between them just spending time as a family. The first time she called me and asked me what was going on. She gave him a choice her or me and he chose me. Took me a long time to get over and forgive him but I recognize the loss of a family is hard to deal with and I forgave him. Problem after that is she totally controls and dictates when and where I can be. I am not allowed to go to their son's sporting events and the one time I did it created WWIII. She also bad mouths me and curses me toher son and her son is having anxiety difficulties and is under pressure to lie to her so not to hurt her. Second time was due to my fault. The insecurities inside me caused by the first time he cheated on me caused me great difficulties when he was with her and their son. I did not trust him and she always sent me emails telling me how great of a time they had and how much he told her he wanted his family back. He on the other hand told me she was lying. I could get no straight answers from anyone and I knew she was on a dating site and I pretended to be a guy looking for a date and she just let the information flow to a complete stranger without me even having to ask. It all came down to her son not liking my son and he is forced to be around us and many nasty and rude comments about me, the way I look and the size of my boobs. While I am an adult and can handle this and understand her bitterness I had had enough. I confronted him andhe broke up with me due to my doing this and said I was psycho. He kept in touch with me and told me not to give up and how much he loved me and I believed him and said it would take time to trust again. I begged him to spend new years with me and he said he was going to take his sons to his friends but I knew something was up I felt it. I stayed home, told him I was going away and then drove to his exes house and sure enough he was there. He lied to me and I confronted him and her and they then said they were going to throw me in jail. After all this I AGAIN stupidly forgave him and we are still dating. I know he is not with her and truly it is over now but the huge issue now is that I have not been around his son when he has his son for over two years. I feel I have been more than patient and understanding through all this BS and have always put his, his son's and even his exes feelings before my own. She told him that he should not be with me and that she will not allow her son around me due to what I did with the computer which I may add was two years ago. She did some really awful things to me and I even called her and said look lets be adults and let it go. I am terribly sorry for what I did and did not mean to hurt anyone but my insecurities caused me to do it and I was being lied to by both of them. She hung up on me and here I am today still not allowed to go to any sporting events for his son yet he comes and goes in my life and my children's life which is how it should be after that amount of time. He is not divorced and told me he will get one when he is ready. For the past five years he has taken his son away for a week in the summer for "their" vacation and this summer has been no different. He has not asked me to do anything with him nor go away for even a weekend. And yet he can go away with his friends and his son and I cannot even drag him away from work for a few days. He HAS asked me a few times to come to his house for a few hours with my kids off and on but it has not always worked out but he told me a few days ago that his son was again going to counselling due to some anxiety issues. His ex called and yelled at him and told him he was a liar and to stop lying to his son that he was not with me and he said he never told his son anything. When he confronted his son his son said he would rather lie than her his mom curse and swear about us and about me. I am just so frustrated that I feel I am living under control of his exes demands. I did sleep at his house once about three years ago when his son was there but he made me sleep in the basement in a spare room which at times I understand but now it has been two years since I have been around his son and feel like I am further back than ever. He blames me because I constantly voice my frustrations and get angry at the way things are and beg him to change them as it is unfair to my children that he comes and goes and I need pre-approval from his ex before I can go anywhere. She has not gotten a boyfriend and I know until she does she will not allow me around their son but I am positive when she gets a great guy she will take him to their son's sporting events and rub it in his face, then and only then will I be allowed in the picture. It is absoloutely ridiculous and I am so tired that I told him I am ready to walk away. My children are 11 and 18 (two boys) and his son is 11. My boyfriend tells me baby steps but I mean after all this time I wonder if anything is ever going to change. I cannot talk to him because he gets angry at me and tells me to relax and let it happen but like I said after this amount of time is it ever going to change as I am growing old waiting for this man to make a move. I am to the point where I told him a few days ago I am done. He then calls me and says ok I am sorry I know I am wrong and understand and then says what do you want changed. I have had at least 100 conversations and even more email telling him I am easy to please and just want to be a part of his life and have the freedom to be where he is without the BS or pre-approvals etc or maybe wait til next season answer. I told him if he does not know by now he will never know and I truly do not want to tell him again as it is getting old. It is beginning of August and the whole summer will have come and gone and I have yet to be asked by him to go away on a trip, vacation or anything. He says Id love to go on a trip with you, I had a dream about us being away and really I told him that is all they are is dreams because he says things and then never does them. Am I complete fool to believe this will ever change? And as I am writing this he just text me and said I can drive to his house and go with him and his son for a walk with the dogs for an hour or so. I guess I have to start somewhere but I am even unsure if I have anything left to try and be the patient annd understanding person I used to be. The lies and betrayal from the past is killing me and I don't know if he will ever divorce or really set boundaries with his ex so that we can be stress free. Should I keep trying and be the good little pretty girlfriend who just stands there and says nothing? Or do I finally give him an ultimatum. The drama and disappointment is really unbearable at times. Please help
brainygirl Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I think he's using you. I'm not going to address the fact that you are as guilty as he is about cheating and the wife has every right to be upset with the woman who she sees has having broken up her marriage. I'd leave him. You've put in more than enough time to realize that he isn't going to be the partner you want. You deserve more that this.
Serenitynow Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 DOORMAT At least you labeled yourself correctly. Usually once someone admits their problem the road to recovery is easier. .
BB07 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 To the OP.........you need to repost this or ask Tony to move it to the OW section since you will get more helpful advice there. Also.........please break it up in into paragraphs as it's too hard to read as it is.
Author Doormat123 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Might I add that when I met him they were already separated for six months so I was not "the other woman|" having an affair with a married man. I myself have strong family values and when he first mentioned to me he was missing his family and son, I told him to ask her to go to counselling and try to make it work. This was about 3 months into our relationship. So to clarify my position, I am not the bad guy and did not cause the separation and am not a homewrecker. Also thank you for the replies I will repost elsewhere and ensure to break the post into paragraphs. Sorry, Im a newbie here.
brainygirl Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Might I add that when I met him they were already separated for six months so I was not "the other woman|" having an affair with a married man. I myself have strong family values and when he first mentioned to me he was missing his family and son, I told him to ask her to go to counselling and try to make it work. This was about 3 months into our relationship. So to clarify my position, I am not the bad guy and did not cause the separation and am not a homewrecker. Also thank you for the replies I will repost elsewhere and ensure to break the post into paragraphs. Sorry, Im a newbie here. I didn't mean to accuse of anything, but I bet the wife has a different chain of events in her head. And I still think he isn't treating you very well and that you would be better off with someone who valued you, your time, and your family the way you value his.
Author Doormat123 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 To the OP.........you need to repost this or ask Tony to move it to the OW section since you will get more helpful advice there. Also.........please break it up in into paragraphs as it's too hard to read as it is. Please tell me what OW is Other Woman? I never considered myself the other woman....
Author Doormat123 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 I didn't mean to accuse of anything, but I bet the wife has a different chain of events in her head. And I still think he isn't treating you very well and that you would be better off with someone who valued you, your time, and your family the way you value his. I totally understand and I totally can see her point of view and understand her bitterness towards me, but there must come a point and time when one should let it go..and move on. I know what I did was terribly wrong but would never have had to be sneaky and do what I did if someone would just have been truthful to me. I forgave so so much. And just expect the same respect back. And that is exactly how I feel I just want the relationship to be fair.
Recommended Posts