NewToLS Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I am so confused. We're both in late 50s and each have had failed relationships. I've been married (not just once) and he's never married. Was bf/gf in early 90s. I broke up with him mainly due to problems with LDR. We are still in separate towns. We've both gone many separate ways, but last Oct I contacted him again and we talked on phone for hours each week, met had great time, but now 10 months later after staying with him 3 times, he doesn't contact me anymore. Last conversation he was kind of snippy with me (about a month ago). I emailed him to tell him happy birthday mid July, and received normal, chatty reply. I emailed him a couple of days ago to say I was missing him physically and mentally and no response. I told him life was too short to just stop communicating. Why would a grown man cease all contact? Kicker is that while we were talking (and saw each other once) I called him and live-in woman answered phone. She said they were not sleeping together and sounded unconcerned that I called. He also said that. Although I was hurt he didn't tell me, they both had same story so I believed them. Plans were in place for her to move out before I came into picture. When i visited his house she had moved out as he said he wanted for a long time. He said she cried and wanted to try again but he didn't want to . I visited his house twice after that (total of about two weeks). Now, nothing. How can a grown man just cease communication? I should move on, but I feel so empty and useless, especially at 55 years old. Why won't he just tell me what happened?I want answers but why am I torturing myself? He was so very very nice and we had such wonderful talks and sex was wonderful, too. Now, nothing, but questions in my head. Sorry for long post. I hurt. I gave him my heart again and hoped for more. Should I pursue or shut up?
Don Ho Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 You should not pursue and go NC. You should probably totally forget about him. Probably not what you want to hear, but that's the way I see it. Whether you're 20, 32, 50 or 60 I don't think much changes. Your post could have been from a 24 year old. Why would he cease contact? For the usual reasons. Not that anyone wants to hear this, but maybe he just decided he doesn't like you that way or as much. It's a painful thought, but that's how dating works no matter what your age. So. Even at 55 he doesn't know how to tell you or communicate. You asking is going to get you no where except maybe pushed further away. It sounds like this is also a LDR. If so, that's another reason for you to move on. At 50 you should know there are lots of good men out there. Let this one go, get out more, go on plentyoffish.com and meet some men. Remember "one day you will find the RIGHT one and you will wonder why you wasted all your time on the WRONG one" Good luck!
Angel1111 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I agree with Mr Ho (haha). I think the mistake you made was being the first one to contact him. I know people love to debate this issue but when a woman does this kind of thing, she typically gets a negative end-result. Instead of wondering about why he stopped talking, start wondering about what kind of jerk would do this kind of thing. Even someone who's halfway mature knows how to say, 'Hey, it's just not working out. Sorry.' You may like reading the book entitled 'Getting To I Do'. Despite the title, which I'm not a fan of, it's one of the most enlightening books I've ever read about the dynamics of relationships between men and women. I'll bet you'll totally understand what happened once you read it. Hey, there's a really neat dating site out there called SeniorPeopleMeet.com - some really neat guys on there.
carhill Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Late 50's and never married? OK... Live-in woman crying to try again and no go? OK..... Sudden ending of contact for no apparent reason? OK.... Is there a pattern here? OK... Welcome to LS
InceptorsRule Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 he's never married Inability on his part to commit
Author NewToLS Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Thanks to you both for responding so quickly! Don Ho - I was really hoping that at 55 (me) and 59 (him) years old, we would be smarter and more mature than handling things the way youngsters do....guess some things never change. Yes, this is (was) an LDR. I wonder about your "good men" statement. How do you know who is real? When are people ever honest? Where are those guys who are fun, caring, and rational? In 55 years, a few have appeared that way, but it's been a cover. I'll look at the website you suggested. Thanks very, very much for responding. It helps alot to hear from a stranger what you already pretty much knew. I even found the address of a good friend of his (that we went out with) and thought of sending him a card to get the message to my friend another way. Am I wallowing or what? Pathetic of me.... Angel111 - yes, that word "jerk" did cross my mind. I feel so naive but he was so sweet. Yes, I'm feeling my age and that I will never, ever smile at a man again. I wish he had just said that it wasn't working out. To not answer emails is so immature. I will get the book you suggested and check out the website you suggested. How do you know these websites are safe? Is there any screening done on folks? I'm not familiar with this way of meeting people at all. Have you guys heard of speed dating? Have you heard of "why bother at all" ?? I really do appreciate your responses. They make my situation more real and out of the fantasy world that I tried to place it. Have a great week!
Author NewToLS Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Carhill - great article you sent me to....Gee. You had lots of "OKs" for me to consider. Yes, seems like a pattern of "love em/leave em." I'm so glad I found LS. So glad you responded. I know you all know I just hurt like hell. Feeling sorry for myself. Don't want to hang at bars scoping out old men. Rather leary of websites but will try those suggested in this thread. Sometimes I think...why even try.....
Don Ho Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Well even at 45 the dating "ritual" really hasn't changed much, with the exception of my experience. So no, even at 55 and 59 I'm not surprised. Oh you know there are good men out there, just as there are good people. You don't know for sure who is real and who is honest. You use YOUR experience and your judgement while you proceed in dating someone and do not let your emotions blind you. Yes, you should ALWAYS be careful on dating websites. Use good common sense; meet in public, do not tell them where you live, use anonymous email accounts and so on. If you have hobbies or volunteer or go to church, sometimes that's a good place. Meeting through a friend or friend of a friend might be best. Places like Facebook have become a place to network and meet friends of friends. Why even try? Because that is LIFE and life goes on. Otherwise you might as well just stay in your house and never go out. Naturally you're being a little pathetic. It's normal. Just continue the NC and don't give in. Good luck.
Author NewToLS Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 InceptorsRule - Short yet insightful response. Thanks!
carhill Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Carhill - great article you sent me to....Gee. You had lots of "OKs" for me to consider. Yes, seems like a pattern of "love em/leave em." I'm so glad I found LS. So glad you responded. I know you all know I just hurt like hell. Feeling sorry for myself. Don't want to hang at bars scoping out old men. Rather leary of websites but will try those suggested in this thread. Sometimes I think...why even try..... Hi, glad to meet you. I'm about your age and separated. On a recent date, a lady asked me my opinion about marriage (she knew I wasn't yet divorced). I told her I enjoyed being married, even though it didn't work out, and would like to be married again someday. I've found this is the best way of getting rid of women. Be emotionally open and unafraid of commitment. They scatter. It's great You had occasion to love a commitment-phobic man. I married someone who couldn't or wouldn't be emotionally intimate. Life is full of challenges. Grab those lemons and make lemonade
Author NewToLS Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Yes, Don Ho... feeling rather pathetic. I believe I'm just wondering where that White Knight is...I'm a damsel in distress. Where the heck is the rescuer? Thanks for your help. I'm going day by day. I have to get involved in other stuff. Keep busy. Take care of myself. Sometimes, I would love, though, for their to be a nice strong arm around me when watching a movie, or a nice guy asking if I'd like a glass of iced tea. Oh, well.....Thanks for the encouragement. You guys are great!
Author NewToLS Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Carhill - there you go playing games with women....yeah....we just love that.....why are you seeing people when you're not divorced? Isn't that, well....illegal? As for those lemons, I've made so much lemonade, I have a permanent pucker!! Thanks for making me laugh! I really do want to call him....just so he can not answer I guess....BUT, I shall wash my face, brush my teeth, get jammies on, and head to bed for another work week. Folks in this thread have really given me good suggestions and I don't feel as odd about all I'm feeling.
Author NewToLS Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Wanted to thank you all again for your comments last night. I've been reading around the LS site and wish I had found this place earlier. I really can't thank you enough. I've thought and read and thought and prayed and you guys simply have so much common sense...like you can read my mind and know exactly what I need to hear. It's a scary place. My mind, that is.... A friend of mine is facing breakup, also, and I surely will direct her to this site. Take care!
Author NewToLS Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 NC is tough but getting better. I keep thinking...how immature to not just say what's on your (his) mind? NC hurts alot more than him simply saying...it's just not working out. Or I want to see ____. Or I'd rather be a hermit. Or I don't like the color of your car. Anything! Now, it makes me think he's stroked out in his apartment or kidnapped. Just kidding.....but seriously, I have checked the obituaries in his town. Anyway, great thread! I keep reingesting NF's red pill. Went to those two sites you gave me (senior people, fish) and just felt too creepy. Also, I live in a rather small town and everyone will know it's me.....loser.....
AlwaysConflicted Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Well first of all, you aren't a loser for trying to find someone to love. Second of all, if anyone sees you on the website, then aren't they using it too? No one is going to call you a loser. Everything will be okay.
Author NewToLS Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Wow! I'm a total LS groupie now. I sit here and get embroiled in the issues, think it over and over again, anayze out the wazoo, and then get just straight talk at LS. Thanks, AlwaysConflicted! You're right. I'm not a loser. Never was. Never will be. Your reply was just what I needed to hear and provide that "grounding." So glad you're there! Happy Tuesday!
Author NewToLS Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Ooops. That's "analyze."... sorry for typo.
Angel1111 Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Wow! I'm a total LS groupie now. I sit here and get embroiled in the issues, think it over and over again, anayze out the wazoo, and then get just straight talk at LS. Thanks, AlwaysConflicted! You're right. I'm not a loser. Never was. Never will be. Your reply was just what I needed to hear and provide that "grounding." So glad you're there! Happy Tuesday! haha! That's cute. LS can be pretty engrossing at times, can't it?
Don Ho Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 No, you're not a loser. The internet is a place where lots of people meet now. Would you rather be sitting at a 50+ bar in your small town hoping to meet Mr. Right? No one will think you're a loser because you're on a single's site. I think they're great. Sure there are some weirdos (always be careful) but think of all the gals I've met that I would probably never would have had the opportunity to meet without the internet! Sounds like you're doing much better already, keep soldiering on girl!!
Author NewToLS Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Yes, Angel1111, guess I'm not alone in this wild, weird world...what a ride!! And Thanks, Don Ho!! So, you've really met neat people via internet? What am I SAYING?? Look at how helpful you guys have been to me already. AND this is all internet, isn't it? Sometimes I'm so dopey. Wouldn't it be cool to have a LS Meetup? Then we can say....Oh, so YOU'RE Don Ho.. and You're Angel1111. And what about ol' NF that got me really thinking about all this stuff. No, never been able to do the "sit at the bar" scene. I am doing much better. Thanks for the "soldiering" on comment. I keep rereading some of the old posts and it helps alot. What site have you used, Don Ho? Plentyoffish? SeniorPeopleMeet? These were two that were suggested earlier on LS. Y'all have a wonderful day. You've helped so much. I might even put "House" on, get me a glass of sweet white wine, and hoist a toast to you all tonight!!
spriggig Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 He's 59 and never married? I think your guy is following the advice in my sig. Don't pay for a dating site, you DON'T get what you pay for. I had luck meeting a few local women on plentyoffish.com and OKCupid might satisfy the analyzing geek in you. The biggest problem with any dating site, assuming you actually want to meet someone in person, is that once you see what each site has to offer and narrow your choices down it's easy to run through the viable options and still have nothing. Then you end up waiting for fresh meat to arrive--that is how it feels. Also, all the profiles look alike after awhile, as if they are written by the same monkeys in the back room.
Author NewToLS Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 Hey, spriggig.... What do you mean by your advice in your sig? I don't get it. Sorry. Sometimes it takes a hammer.. He has asked women to marry him, but one had a family that disapproved, one didn't think the relationship had gone that far yet, and one was one he asked after she had already starting seeing someone else. I see what you mean, though, by monkey meat. I think I'll just fly to the islands, sip a coconut drink, and have fun with ME! Seriously, explain further your "advice in sig" comment.
Author NewToLS Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 Passed a milestone today. Me and ex LDR used to occasionally have a drink together (long distance). Some pretty fancy mixes with expensive booze but so so smooth. Just a nightcap only every now and then. I just poured it all down the drain. Taking bottles to garbage. I still have urge to call him. I still miss him. I want answers that will never come.
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