val_kitten Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I am hoping to get an unbiased opinion on what to do. Me and my H dated for 5 years before getting married, and were married for 4 years before separating in November. We have no kids. I'm the one that filed for a legal separation. This month, I have the option of converting it to a divorce, but I'm not sure what I want to do. The biggest catalysts for filing for the separation (for me) were the following: -My H had a drug addiction that he refused to seek treatment for. -I suspect he at least has a binge drinking problem, if not alcoholism, which led to a DUI. -He ran away in November to England to see this person that he chatted with online for years. He maintains nothing happened, but still, the sneaking away gets to me. -We would have shouting matches, some of which would inevitably lead to breaking things in the house. So I never wanted to walk away from my vows, but through counseling I got up the courage to file for the separation and to move his things out of the house . (Went to couples counseling, and when he gave up halfway through, I was referred to individual counseling) So far, it sounds like I probably made the right decision for both of us, I think. I couldn't imagine bringing a child into this sort of turmoil. And in a lot of ways, being alone has brought me a lot of peace. If nothing else, I finally have all the doors in my house fixed so there are no more holes. Well, at first through the separation, my husband did everything to reinforce that I made the right decision. He would call me at work to tell me how horrible I was, and that he hoped that I would die alone and miserable. He would call me to let me know that he was doing drugs and having sex. He even posted suicide attempts on his twitter account. I wouldn't know about these until the police showed up at my house looking for him, since this was his last known address. In the meantime, I've tried to not think about these things and look for happiness elsewhere. I've gone on vacations alone, focused on school, reconnected with old friends, even brought home work for me to work on during the weekends. During the separation, I did end up meeting one man - things got sort of serious, but for a variety of reasons, we decided to just remain friendly for the time being. But in the last month or so, the old H has begun to mature a lot. When I did my biking vacation, he offered to tune up my bicycle so that I'd be safe on the road. He's called me to see how I am, and has brought flowers. He even took me out to dinner the other night. Part of me wants to believe that maybe he's seeing how life is on his own, and is maturing and becoming more responsible. Part of me doesn't want to give up on my marriage either. But I just don't know what to do. I'd rather not just let this legal separation sit out there in limbo. Is there a chance that people do fix themselves? Am I crazy for even thinking for taking him back? For what it's worth - even during the good times right now, when I think about all the stress that could potentially resume with taking him back, I just hesitate and keep myself guarded. Please let me know if you've been in this situation, how you knew what the right decision was...and what advice you would have for me.
Onto Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I would've thought that relationship was over with, but it sounds like there is another Act in the script to play out.
EthanH Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 First of all, i have to say that I think people can change. BUT, you have to assert if he has changed or if it is just an act. If the drugs and drinking has stopped, then that is a start. It depends what an affect it had on you, did he ever get abusive? If you let me know this info, i will try and give you a more extensive reply...
Author val_kitten Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 I feel fairly positive that the drugs have stopped. The drinking has not stopped. I don't think that is something that will ever stop - but I would be satisfied if the drinking was curbed to a drink or two maybe a couple times a week. (What I didn't care for was the binge drinking of a bottle of rum in one sitting). To answer the other question, he was never physically abusive towards me. I will say that the relationship wasn't healthy though because when we did argue, we would scream at each other. He would break things (holes in doors, he once threw a TV against a wall)...but no, he would never lay a hand on me. Please let me know your thoughts.
Calendula Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Why not finalize the divorce and let him enter your dating pool along with all the other guys in the world? Besides all the legal stuff, finalizing the divorce would give you a sort of symbolic end to all the bad things you currently associate with your marriage to the man he was. If he has truly changed, and you two start dating again, you can always get married again if you really want to. This way if you do take him back you would be starting fresh with clean slate and newly written vows. It wouldn't even have to be a fancy wedding, you could just do a courthouse ceremony. People might think you're crazy, but I doubt anyone is going to tell you that you CAN'T remarry the man you've divorced if it is what you truly want to do. Besides, he would presumably be a new man in order for you to remarry him (if you do). If things don't work out, they you'll be legally free to truly move on with your life. You won't be bound to the past and you will be able to fully focus your energy on making YOU a better person and finding someone who truly matches you. From your brief story, it sounds like your husband has put you through hell and he's going to have to do a lot of changing to mend all the wounds he has caused you. If it happens, however unlikely, it will take TIME. Why not give it time, free and clear? End this phase of your life by finalizing a divorce, and start a new one. Start over fresh. If he truly wants to be with you, and truly wants to change to make up for all he has done in the past, it might be easier for you both to have time to work with, without legal paperwork hanging over your heads. Finalizing the divorce might also just give him that final wake up call saying that you really are serious about no longer putting up with his immature and irresponsible behavior, and that he really will have to work and truly change in order to win you back. Good luck, and I hope you figure out what is right for you.
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