LostinCali Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I have been married for close to 5 years, and have one toddler at home. We knew each other for about 5 years prior to getting married and things were mostly good while we were dating. We did the typical things that most people do, got a house, got animals, and things have been good. There have been some issues that have always been there, but until recently things have been placed on the backburner. Trust is something my wife has never really had of me. While I have never given her reason to doubt my intentions or who I am, I'm also not the best at showing every feeling or expressing myself to her. Growing up my family has always had private things and when computers were brought into the home, we would have our own disk with the ability of having private documents on them. That is something I still do. Early in the dating my wife would complain about my computer being password protected and not having access to it, email, or other things on my computer. While I have nothing to hide, I like the idea of being able to have personal documents on it, emails or whatever and not have to justify every thing I do. If I want to look up something on the internet, I should not have to worry about being able to explain it. My wife has her computer which i never check . I feel that you shouldnt have to check and snoop on someone you're with. That has come around full circle and now my wife is saying that I am a secretive person and I need to move out. I have done nothing wrong, or nothing different in the marriage, but she now feels that way. I have explained again to her things, and she wants what she wants. I have asked to do counseling, but she thinks of that as a death sentence for us. So I'm wondering what is the next move... Thank you for your help and advice
tojaz Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Welcome to LS Lost First a question or two, Either in your history together or your own past, does she have reason to have trust issues with you? Not necessarily infedelity or anything heinous as that, but reasons to doubt? Is there actually something to hide? While I agree, that one should not feel the need to snoop or check up on their spouse, I also know that trust is earned. In my opinion no divorce is definitely not the best option. I would suggest a frank conversation of how you value that bit of privacy, but that you have nothing to hide and back it up with letting her look around a bit. Its mutual respect of each others sensitivity. TOJAZ
Author LostinCali Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 I have dont nothing in the past that could cause this. I have let her look around in the computer when we were dating and she wanted to know everything I had in there and some things from the past, she had issues with. I used to be employed as a photographer and had various pictures (pg-13 or tamer) and she was upset that I kept my work and not deleted it. She also questioned some of the websites I would look up. Since then I have come to be a consultant for the Dept of justice and have some items on my computer that are sensitive. Thats not an excuse, but I do like some privacy and not having to justify everything, especially if there is something on the computer from years before we met that never got deleted, that I dont know of.
Corporate Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 That has come around full circle and now my wife is saying that I am a secretive person and I need to move out. I have done nothing wrong, or nothing different in the marriage, but she now feels that way. I have explained again to her things, and she wants what she wants. I have asked to do counseling, but she thinks of that as a death sentence for us. So I'm wondering what is the next move... Thank you for your help and advice How is the marriage otherwise? Can't you just give up some privacy to have your family and marriage intact and together? Or is that too much for you? If one is a good husband, he would give up computer and internet all togther at home if it could save his family, let along just the privacy part from his own wife.
Tony T Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Your next move is to accept her exactly as she is. That's what you promised to do when you married her. She is not abusive and doesn't seem to cause you any other undue problems. Just let her have her little hang ups. I promise you, you will NEVER, EVER, EVER find any person in the universe without them and there are MUCH WORSE characteristics that partners can bring into a relationship. A divorce is the most painful thing you can possibly ever endure and should not be considered unless your circumstances are entirely unbearable.
Author LostinCali Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Aside from the privacy thing. There are a lot of otherissues and seems that this is just the springboard to other decisions Things are mostly bad than good it seems. I try to do things for her at home, get her things I know she likes and get little in return. The sex life is also nothing like what it once was. There's been maybe 6-7 times this year and that is being generous. I have wanted to see professional help on this before and she's always vetoed it.
ishmaiel Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Ultimately, what is more important: saving your marriage or the kind of privacy you have described? While I don't believe that two people in a relationship shouldn't have their own sacred space, documents, things, etc, it sounds like your wife's trust issues are on a collision course with your approach. As other posters here have mentioned, I agree that you can work towards establishing her trust. You mentioned that you have not demonstrated any reason for her to distrust you. You are assuming that your wife would respond to trust as you would. Clearly she does not and may be either misinterpreting ordinarily normal behaviour, or be influenced by her past. You need to tailor your demonstration of your trustworthiness to her needs. Understand that when you think of password-secured files on your computer, you see a normal personal boundary. When she sees them, they represent a threat and an unknown. It's a little bit like when the same word means two different things in two languages - what you say and what is understood are two different things. Therefore, I would not approach letting her into your space as a loss of privacy. But rather, as a step towards constructing trust with the eventual hope of being ultimately able to define personal boundaries that better match both of your needs. In the end, offering this kind of support to build trust is predicted on your desire to mend the marriage and keep growing together. It sounds like there are other issues, though, which may make difficult considering the trust issue separately.
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