Need dealing with my husband's BIZRRE EA

[lbm74]

I'll try to keep this short. My husband works in computer security sales from home. We have been married nearly 8 years and dated 10 years before that, college sweethearts. We are best friends, share everything(so I thought), and have 3 young boys together. I was my husbands' 1st true love, the only woman he ever made love to (1st mistake??).

Cutting to the chase, I was pregnant last summer with our 3rd boy, and noticed something was different with him-very distant, and spent ungodly hours "working." He has always been a night owl, but wasn't even coming to bed late, he come to bed at all. We didn't enjoy sex while I was pregnant, so I chalked it up to him watching porn and taking care of his needs, which was fine with me. We bought and moved in to a new beautiful home a month before our 3rd son was due to accommodate our growing family, and he made a funny statement, asking me if I liked the house because he just wanted to make sure I'd be happy there and that have everything I needed. Needed for what??? Within the month I saw a yahoo messenger at the bottom of our (mutual) computer screen one night when he was out, and I clicked on it (innocently of course). Shocking was an understatement- I didn't know what to do with myself. There were about 5 or 6 messages to a user by the name of ---'spet84(my husband's name-this was his "pet"). The messages were all from him to her, telling her how much he loved her, wanted to f--k her, and links to lingerie sites stating he would like to see her wear these things. After confronting him, and many days - hours on end of discussions, he stated that he felt guilty about this OW as it started out innocently enough, until she said she loved him. It had begun when he was travelling, he saw her in an airport "across a crowded room," and sat down near her. She is 10 years younger, 4th year medical resident out in Chicago, and was on her way to a conference. They chatted for about 20 minutes, and exchanged emails. This was last June 2009. Within weeks her father suddenly died, and she was devastated. Apparently she sought comfort in my H, and told him she loved him. He states it was a while before he said it back. But something they found out they had in common fairly quickly was their sexual interests. They both enjoyed BDSM. He had apparently chatting online for over 8 years as a Dom, and she was a sub, his sub, hence the "pet" name. The cybersexed, sexted, and had phone sex with her as his submissive for 5 months, all the while me being increasingly pregnant, and unaware. I never knew my husband was into this stuff. He is pretty tame from what I gather, mostly a fetish with stockings and lingerie ( which I knew), but likes the whole control issue, and being called Master or Sir by his sub or slave. He only did this online over the years, never having met anyone in person. This situation was different as he met her in person first, and then chatted online. It took a lot of detective work, but I now know for sure he has never been with her physically. In fact that is one of his biggest issues with her, as he has made over 10 attempts to meet with her, and she never showed up. He always accepted her excuses. Well, He tried to cut things off with her in January, as I professed my love and willingness to work on things with him. He apologized profusely, also wanting to "figure things out."

At this point I was on maternity leave, so a separation was just to difficult with a 4 yr old and almost 2 yr old at home as well. He has been in counseling since, and I have just started joining the sessions.

The problem? He still can't "make up his mind!!" Unfortunately she has been through major medical issues herself, had to quit her residency, and has been diagnosed with a life threatening form of Lupus. Apparently she has about 10 years to live, all of them in pain. He is still in contact with her to be "supportive" and cannot bear life without some form of contact with her. She still tries to convince him that he can be with both of us. We are not Mormons!! He says he needs closure, and would like to meet with her personally to "end things," and to see if she is/was the woman he fell in love with. He has been extemely open with me, we talk a lot. He know where I stand. But he won't end it. We call it our "limbo state." It's pathetic. And yet because of his line of work, I have no access to any of his "devices" to contact her. Even if I ask to see something, he willingly shows me the minimal contact. (Who knows what he deletes?) There is so much more to this, but I just feel so helpless, and so much like a doormat. He is very intelligent, and apparently very manipulative. He still does not think he cheated, because there was no physical contact. His therapist has hope for us, and him, and he has made huge strides in discovering his own issues. But still no decision. I am heartbroken and fed up.

Any advise?????

[TaraMaiden]

Three things:

 

It's either her or you. But you abide by his decision.

You share him, fully understanding that in all matters, you must come first.

You kick him out and sue for maintenance and support.

 

Those are your only options.

[linwood]

If your husband isn`t willing to end all contact with the OW and do everything and anything he can to regain your trust then there isn`t any hope for your marriage.

 

However while I`m not at all attempting to justify your husbands horrid behavior I think you need to take a look at your behavior in your marraige as well.

 

This quote is a glaring red flag for me.

 

We didn't enjoy sex while I was pregnant, so I chalked it up to him watching porn and taking care of his needs, which was fine with me.

 

The bolded above is not the attitude of a woman who is happy in her marriage to begin with.

[Corporate]

Three things:

 

It's either her or you. But you abide by his decision.

You share him, fully understanding that in all matters, you must come first.

You kick him out and sue for maintenance and support.

 

Those are your only options.

 

The above message is right. He is NOT going to end contact with her if you don't put a stop to it. Have you exposed his behavior and affair to EVERYONE he respects. This will usually end the affair as it becomes taboo and no longer fun. Expose her as well if you know her side of people.

[TaraMaiden]

......I think you need to take a look at your behavior in your marraige as well.

 

She didn't say marriage. She said 'pregnancy'. There's a difference....

 

This quote is a glaring red flag for me.....

The bolded above is not the attitude of a woman who is happy in her marriage to begin with.

 

 

I beg to differ.

Some women's sex drives completely plummet when they're pregnant. If their husbands finds gratification through porn and masturbation, they're happy for them, because it means the husbands are dealing with their sexual impulses, and it lets the pregnant wives off the hook.

 

This doesn't sound like a woman who wasn't happy in her marriage.

 

We have been married nearly 8 years and dated 10 years before that, college sweethearts. We are best friends, share everything(so I thought), and have 3 young boys together. I was my husbands' 1st true love, the only woman he ever made love to.

[carhill]

RE: verification.... he simply provides you with a master password which can access his systems at any time without his knowledge or consent. That's the definition of transparency. Run a credit check on him to gather up all his credit card numbers and match that up with what he shows you.

 

I'm assuming you all are in your late 30's.... so sounds about right time for a MLC. I imagine the men out there who have only been with one woman by that age are quite rare. I was one of them. I can understand his *desire* pretty well but that doesn't obviate his *responsibility* to the family and your marriage.

 

You had been pregnant twice before. Was this latest pregnancy difficult and/or change your marital dynamic from the two prior? Something tells me mutual intimacy has been low for awhile, and his 'night owl' habits didn't help any, especially with young children in the house.

 

Since you have a big family here and a lot of responsibilities, I'd give MC a solid shot for six months and re-evaluate then. A MC should push for an end to the inappropriate contact with his 'partner' and re-prioritizing the M. They should also push for work on your intimacy issues, and perhaps communication styles.

 

I faced this situation and chose to sacrifice on both ends, ending the EA and divorcing my wife. MC helped me discover why *both* dynamics were unhealthy for me and why the women were incompatible. YMMV, but I gotta tell ya MC can work if you want it to. I hope it helps you find the common ground built over 18 years and recovers this M and your lovely family. Best wishes for that

[Corporate]

Don't let him continue disrespect you and your marriage by continue contact/affair with a woman whom he has tried numerous times to schedule a sex session with. If you do, you will hate yourself for it.

 

He needs a reality check and one NOW! There is a something fundamentally wrong here. How can he so casually target some girl in a public place, hit on her, and then ASK FOR her number like some horny single guy would do at a BAR. There seems to be no boundaries, respect, and self control. How would he feel if you tried to book a motel to have sex with some guy and even after he found out, you continue to call him and try to have a "closure" by meeting him? Seriously! Kick him out and see a lawyer.

[lbm74]

Thanks to all for the responses. Linwood, TaraMaiden is right about the marriage/pregnancy thing. I had no sex drive while pregnant, and felt very maternal as a result, as opposed to sexy. We dealt with this issue for our first, and openly discussed how we would deal with the situation. It was therefore understood for the other pregnancies. I made attempts to satisfy him, to some degree, but after 4-5th months into preg, things would go downhill in that regard. Again, we agreed to try, but overall, he took care of things his way, and we were OK with that, even joked about it. The 3rd pregnancy was very different, however, as it was unplanned. I was still nursing our 2nd son when I got pregnant,and at first I was upset about being pregnant. He was very supportive of me, and was very kind in discussing how wonderful it would be. It wasn't until he put up this wall that I began to wonder what was wrong- he said he resented me for allowing the pregnancy to happen. Obviously this was a strange turn of events, many words were had, and in retrospect, this was exactly the time that he met her (didn't know it then).

In regards to counselling, he is currently seeing a sex therapist to help him discover what is behind this control issue he has in the bedroom. Apparently he never thought of me in the BDSM way, so when he began to look into his interests it was apparently out of respect for me that he didn't involve me. He kept his interest and curiosity on the internet, and the "normal" sex in the bedroom with his wife. His therapist has delved into his early teen years and how controlling his father was. My husband had a lot of respect and sadness for his mother, and wished she would divorce his father, but they stayed together for the kids. His therapist has a lot of insight, and in our one session together she expressed at the end that it was obvious what great friends we are, how well we are currently communicating, and that she felt we were very old souls. I thought those were interesting and kind words.

We currently have a plan for separation by the end of the month if he hasn't made up his mind.

The weirdest thing to me is that the OW is literally in pain from her neurologic lupus every day, and only has 10 or so years to live. So what am I missing? He wants to leave me and the kids for a woman who can no longer sexually even give herself to him, let alone emotionally, etc. and has a limited lifespan? I have told him that if we separate that will be the time his escapade will be revealed to everyone. He is aware of the hurt it will cause many. As for her, I only have her phone number, and nothing else to expose her side.

My husband is overall a good person, and a great father. I really want the boys to have 24/7 access to him, and that is why we have tried to not only keep this within ourselves, but to work on a solution.

I cry every day that this has happened to us, the marriage that everyone looks up to. If they only knew. I have reflected on my own issues, and while I have had a very normal life, I can see that I didn't give as much affection as perhaps I should have. He knows that if he decides to stay, we will attend MC together so that we can be sure to address each others needs.

[carhill]

It sounds like the counselor enumerated a number of key areas which could be the foundation for recovery.

 

Something tells me there's a raw openness about this other person, even before the lupus, which attracted him. He'll need to confront his own responsibility and tell you clearly what he wants and needs from you. This clarity is essential. Likewise from you.

 

I remember, in MC, telling stbx that one of her married female friends showed me more affection in five minutes (non-sexual affection, publicly) than she had in a year. I told her how that made me feel. Proactive displays of affection were/are important to me, and I gave what I wanted often. This is where I learned that our love languages were different. She didn't value physical and emotional affection in the same way that I did. Eventually, she clearly said 'I can't give you that'. So, at that moment, we calmly decided to divorce.

 

Your circumstances and dynamic are unique to you but the principles are the same. Communicating clearly about essential needs and wants and styles. If he's having a MLC and you're otherwise compatible, you'll work through it in MC. You'll see, clearly, that you can recover and will build that recovery, week after week.

 

Obviously, the OW has to go. He has to make that decision completely autonomously. Recovery won't occur if he doesn't. You've already implied or stated some of the consequences of his continuing. What kind of a timeline do you think is reasonable for total NC to occur? Talk about that in MC.

 

IMO, it's going to be rough going for a few months. Emotional attachments are not easy to break. NC failures occur. Set a firm timeline in your mind and execute it if your boundaries aren't respected within it. Consult with a lawyer and get all the legal stuff out of the way so you can approach *all* possibilities from a standpoint of knowledge, strength and health. Clarity.

 

Good luck

[fooled once]

If your husband isn`t willing to end all contact with the OW and do everything and anything he can to regain your trust then there isn`t any hope for your marriage.

 

However while I`m not at all attempting to justify your husbands horrid behavior I think you need to take a look at your behavior in your marraige as well.

 

This quote is a glaring red flag for me.

 

The bolded above is not the attitude of a woman who is happy in her marriage to begin with.

 

Obviously linwood you are a man and have no idea what it is like to have a life growing inside you.

 

It isn't any woman's job - pregnant or not - to be submissive to a man and his needs; however and whenever he wants. She is pregnant and with pregnancy comes MANY things - such as sickness, decreased sexual desire, and pain. It isn't her job to be his sex toy at his whim.

 

She was growing a life inside her, in addition to taking care of 2 other young children ... while he was off fulfilling his sexual needs. Hopefully she can be forgiven by men who believe she should be waiting and accommodating while she is pregnant, nauseated, possibly in pain and exhausted

 

Just because during her pregnancy, she wasn't at the ready each and every time he wanted to have sex doesn't mean they have marriage issues. Quite frankly, she doesn't have to accommodate him even when she isn't pregnant.

 

Sorry to threadjack, but I felt the need to interject as a woman who has been pregnant and understands the changes a body goes through during pregnancy and how the heck that equals it being HER fault he chose have an affair.

[lbm74]

Spot on carhill! Your perspective is extremely helpful. He has failed NC once before, and the next one should begin by the end of this month unless he chooses the separation. Then I will have no control or access. Which is why I have been so hesitant to separate ( that, and the kids/exposure aspect). I totally agree on the MLC.

Question- tell me more about the master password? How does that work? Again, I must re-emphasize, he works in computer security. He can block, delete, HIDE anything he wants from me. This is what he does for a living. He can show me what he wants me to see. The mistakes he has made (few) are how I know what I know. But I hate to call him on what I know and how I discoveredhis mistake because he'll get that much better at hiding things...The keylogger thing he knows how to get around, been there, done that. Therefore trust is a huge issue, because I really have no way of checking up on him:sick:. He is aware of my concerns in that regard...

[Corporate]

Spot on carhill! Your perspective is extremely helpful. He has failed NC once before, and the next one should begin by the end of this month unless he chooses the separation. ...

 

Why are you keep giving him permission to be in contact with her. It only allow his "love/lust" to grow for her and deepen their "connection." It needs to STOP NOW or YESTERDAY!

 

Exposure is the BEST way to end affairs. Ask people who have been here for a while, read older posts here, you will see that exposure is the most effective way to end affairs and you need to do it without any hint to your H that you're going to expose. Just expose.

[carhill]

First, go to Equifax or similar and get a tri-merge on his SS#. You have everything you need to do that. It will list all his separate and joint/subscribed credit cards, along with other obligations, present and past, which should be obvious to you.

 

Take that information and require him to set up online access to all the credit cards you do not have current access to as a joint account holder. For a 'master' password, one password gets you into all the accounts. If he balks, then separate, but master, passwords for the accounts.... for example 'seespotrunchaseplatinum' (Chase platinum credit card). He sets up what *you* want, not what a security expert wants. He should have been more expert about preserving his commitment to monogamy. Same with his cell phone. Set you up as manager and 'seespotrunverizon'. Then you can monitor all his cell phone use. If he has more than one cell phone account, usually they'll show up on a tri-merge, but not always. That's a risk. If he pays them by credit card (I pay all mine online that way), it'll show up on a card statement.

 

E-mail accounts, same. He has to be completely cooperative in this, or he fails. I went so far as to enter the actual name of my 'friend' in my Verizon account so stbx wouldn't have to search for her number. She could log into any of my e-mail accounts at any time. She had the password and the name and the number and had independent contact (phone numbers/e-mails) with my friend and met her personally; total transparency.

 

Others might have further ideas like GPS, cellphone trackers, phone taps, black helicopters, satellite surveilance, etc, etc....

 

You can go to more extreme measures but, TBH, if it's that bad, I'd just pay a lawyer and be done with him.

Edited August 9, 2010 by carhill

[lbm74]

Amen fooled once! Thanks for the support.

Corporate, although it may seem weird, I still respect my H in many regards. This is our personal issue for now, but the minute separation occurs, all will know. Honestly, I confided in his sister when it first began because she was visiting the day after I found out, and I bursted out crying. Since then she has learned more, but my H actually confided to her just recently, which I was pleased to hear. They are very close, and as much as she loves her brother, she totally has my back on this one (as she should!) I am not out to hurt him, and that, in my opinion, is all intentional exposure will do. If anything it might force him toward the OW in anger. We are trying to make rational decisions, and most importantly trying not to uneccesarily involve/hurt our children or families. While I have the support of my family and his sister, enough people know already. I realize that this may ultimately aid in procrastinating his decision, it is also giving him time to sort out his issues and priorities. Believe me, my countdown is on-3 weeks until d-day...

[Corporate]

Amen fooled once! Thanks for the support.

Corporate, although it may seem weird, I still respect my H in many regards. This is our personal issue for now, but the minute separation occurs, all will know. Honestly, I confided in his sister when it first began because she was visiting the day after I found out, and I bursted out crying. Since then she has learned more, but my H actually confided to her just recently, which I was pleased to hear. They are very close, and as much as she loves her brother, she totally has my back on this one (as she should!) I am not out to hurt him, and that, in my opinion, is all intentional exposure will do. If anything it might force him toward the OW in anger. We are trying to make rational decisions, and most importantly trying not to uneccesarily involve/hurt our children or families. While I have the support of my family and his sister, enough people know already. I realize that this may ultimately aid in procrastinating his decision, it is also giving him time to sort out his issues and priorities. Believe me, my countdown is on-3 weeks until d-day...

 

What's what waywards in their fogginess think. Sometimes, the betrayed spouses are also very foggy and thinks the same way.

 

The truth of the matter is, it's a fight for the marriage (to end the affair by exposures0 and not to intentionally hurt the cheating spouse. I didn't say it, the best marriage experts did. And, it's been effectively used again and again. Ever heard of marriagebuilders.com and the Harleys. If not, you should check it out. If you're skeptical about this exposure method, ask around here and read some old posts. You'll see that I am right.

[InceptorsRule]

Any advise?????

 

You might try reading on the OW/OM board here at love shack to get some more insight into how the "wayward spouse's" mind works.

 

Some pretty crazy stuff over there IMO.

[kuma]

Your husband only met her once. Her story is unbelievable. You should hire a P.I.

[Owl]

OK, LBM, I've read the thread.

 

I've got several thoughts.

 

First, I heartily suspect that your husband may be a sex addict. SA is a serious issue, especially given the issues it creates in the marriage, right along with all of the "normal" addiction issues that come with it.

 

I think that your H faces a number of choices here, and not just the standard "choose between OW and BS" one.

 

He's also got to decide on how to deal with his aberrant preferences.

 

He respects you, so doesn't "see you" in that light. But...that also means that he's either going to have to suppress that part of his feelings permanently, or express them in some fashion with someone else.

 

So my thought is...he needs treatment with THIS issue before he stands any chance of making a decent partner in any other kind of relationship.

 

That needs to be included in the whole "make a choice" package going on here.

 

And I'm sure he knows that...the expectation that when he gives OW up, he also gives up engaging in that facet of his desires as well.

 

It makes the relationship DOUBLE addictive.

 

Add into it the online/fantasy nature of the whole thing (similar to what my wife went through as well), and you're faced with a very, very, very addictive relationship that he's going to have to end if he wants to stay with you.

 

I'd tell you honestly that odds aren't great for recovery, in this light.

 

But...I also wouldn't give him until the end of the month to make the choice. Don't let him be comfortable with making this choice. He should be UNcomfortable with his situation/life right now. If you give him that long, given his IT background...I garauntee it won't end the affair...he'll take it further underground.

 

Tell him he's got to the end of this week to decide and take action either way.

 

By Friday, he's enrolled in SA therapy, he's enrolled in marriage counseling with you, and he's completely given up any and all online activity other than what's strictly monitored at work (and this includes his cell phone).......or by Friday he's packed and out of the house.

 

Don't make this easy on him. With all due respect, you've given him WAAAYY too much slack already, and he's used that against you.

 

Take the control back....right now.

 

Today.

 

 

 

BTW, in your other thread you asked how my marriage was....as a matter of fact, we're doing great. My wife and I went out yesterday to lunch to do a "pre-celebration" of my birthday...and she mentioned she was going to do a dinner that was romantic and would bring back fond memories. (I am sure what it is...something she used to do special way back when we were still dating) It's just that kind of romantic change that's kind of a hallmark of our marriage now.

 

There's hope for your situation. The trick for you is to take away his control, deal with his addictions, and make darn sure that you enforce your boundaries when you set them.

[lbm74]

OK, LBM, I've read the thread.

 

I've got several thoughts.

 

First, I heartily suspect that your husband may be a sex addict. SA is a serious issue, especially given the issues it creates in the marriage, right along with all of the "normal" addiction issues that come with it.

 

I think that your H faces a number of choices here, and not just the standard "choose between OW and BS" one.

 

He's also got to decide on how to deal with his aberrant preferences.

 

He respects you, so doesn't "see you" in that light. But...that also means that he's either going to have to suppress that part of his feelings permanently, or express them in some fashion with someone else.

 

So my thought is...he needs treatment with THIS issue before he stands any chance of making a decent partner in any other kind of relationship.

 

That needs to be included in the whole "make a choice" package going on here.

 

And I'm sure he knows that...the expectation that when he gives OW up, he also gives up engaging in that facet of his desires as well.

 

It makes the relationship DOUBLE addictive.

 

Add into it the online/fantasy nature of the whole thing (similar to what my wife went through as well), and you're faced with a very, very, very addictive relationship that he's going to have to end if he wants to stay with you.

 

I'd tell you honestly that odds aren't great for recovery, in this light.

 

But...I also wouldn't give him until the end of the month to make the choice. Don't let him be comfortable with making this choice. He should be UNcomfortable with his situation/life right now. If you give him that long, given his IT background...I garauntee it won't end the affair...he'll take it further underground.

 

Tell him he's got to the end of this week to decide and take action either way.

 

By Friday, he's enrolled in SA therapy, he's enrolled in marriage counseling with you, and he's completely given up any and all online activity other than what's strictly monitored at work (and this includes his cell phone).......or by Friday he's packed and out of the house.

 

Don't make this easy on him. With all due respect, you've given him WAAAYY too much slack already, and he's used that against you.

 

Take the control back....right now.

 

Today.

 

 

 

BTW, in your other thread you asked how my marriage was....as a matter of fact, we're doing great. My wife and I went out yesterday to lunch to do a "pre-celebration" of my birthday...and she mentioned she was going to do a dinner that was romantic and would bring back fond memories. (I am sure what it is...something she used to do special way back when we were still dating) It's just that kind of romantic change that's kind of a hallmark of our marriage now.

 

There's hope for your situation. The trick for you is to take away his control, deal with his addictions, and make darn sure that you enforce your boundaries when you set them.

 

Owl-

You are very good at this, very insightful His therapist is a sex therapist, trained in SA, and has urged him to attend SAA, which he has once. He truly does not believe that he is a SA, and he just "likes what he likes."

In our many discussions, we have talked about compromise in the bedroom, and that I would be willing to experiment to some degree with what he likes and what I am comfortable with. He knows that this is an option if he decides to remain in the marriage and be faithful. He has already cut out the internet stuff, and is focusing on his recovery, which is why I have given him so much time. I gave him to the end of the month due to his crazy work schedule, so that he can finish "quarter end stuff" and then be able to focus fully on the home situation. Believe me when I say that the d-day timeframe was how I finally took some control earlier this month, and he agreed. A little history here too is that he still harbors resentment over the fact that I gave him an ultimatum to marry me or not 8 + yrs ago after 10 years of dating. Apparently this is when his BDSM interests began, and he debated how to not lose me "the love of his life" and not have to compromise his sexual interests as well. That is why he chose to marry me, and have the chat rooms on the side-with no intentions of falling in love with any of these women. Well, we all know where that led...

Needless to say, I was hesitant to give him "another" ultimatum, but again, I finally realized that it was necessary and he agreed (to some degree).

[Owl]

Sorry...I call BS (and I don't mean betrayed spouse) on the whole "resentment over the marriage ultimatum" and how it relates to his...preferences.

 

This is called 'gaslighting'.

 

He's trying to make you the source of HIS problems.

 

And he's trying to make you feel bad for setting boundaries.

 

Don't accept it.

 

I wouldn't buy off on his work schedule nonsense either. If he's "too busy" to deal with his home life right now....he's "too busy" to remain in contact with his cyber-ho as well.

 

This is just an excuse to postpone the deadline...nothing more.

 

Here's the thing...you set the boundaries...and he agrees, or he doesn't. There's no "some degree" involved in this.

 

But...you also have to be willing to enforce those consequences, or boundaries are useless.

 

The two of you need to get into MC...NOW.

 

You need a neutral third party present who can call him on his bs answers and responses, and can help the two of you work through this. Even this should be a "non-negotiable" on your part of the equation.

 

And he needs to return to SAA...he doesn't get the choice of not going. Addicts don't like actually facing their addictions...he's no different.

 

Stop letting him control the situation. That's what he wants, and how he got here in the first place.

[LilyBart]

First, I heartily suspect that your husband may be a sex addict. SA is a serious issue, especially given the issues it creates in the marriage, right along with all of the "normal" addiction issues that come with it.

 

I think that your H faces a number of choices here, and not just the standard "choose between OW and BS" one.

 

He's also got to decide on how to deal with his aberrant preferences.

 

 

Wow, since when did an interest in BDSM automatically mean you're a sex addict?

 

And just because someone likes to go beyond boring-vanilla-missionary-sex doesn't mean they have "aberrant preferences". LOL! People need to be a BIT more open minded, don't you think?

 

But I will admit, if two people click on an emotional level AND their sexual preferences mesh - it's a combustible combination!!! That's what my MM & I have.

[turnera]

Some thoughts. First a question: does his therapist know about his affair?

 

If he has a 'thing' for his mom, revered her, all that, it's possible he's finding fulfillment for that through helping this girl. It may not even matter who she is, but that she's female. See if you can get the counselor to look into that.

 

I also call BS. I think you should use his money to hire a PI to check into this girl and to see if what he's feeding you is the truth. I know you two are close, but it's still entirely possible that he has created an entire second life with this girl and you'd never even know. CHEATERS LIE. AND LIE WELL. I can't even count the number of people I've seen on forums who swear up and down 'I KNOW my spouse. We're soulmates. I'd KNOW if they were lying to me.' And then they find out the truth.

 

Exposure is not done to harm the cheater. It's done to shine light on the awful thing they are doing; THEY think what they are doing is fun, exciting, thrilling, and 'meant to be.' If you expose it, they have to acknowledge that everyone ELSE thinks it's nasty, disgusting, and humiliating - thus, the appeal is lost. At that point, they can either throw their lives away to continue it, or end it and come back to you mentally.

 

Finally, If I were you, I'd (1) say end it now or leave now, and if he ends it now, (2) go to marriagebuilders.com and look into their phone counseling. They specialize in affairs and can get some concrete results, one way or the other.

[turnera]

Wow, since when did an interest in BDSM automatically mean you're a sex addict?

 

And just because someone likes to go beyond boring-vanilla-missionary-sex doesn't mean they have "aberrant preferences". LOL! People need to be a BIT more open minded, don't you think?

 

But I will admit, if two people click on an emotional level AND their sexual preferences mesh - it's a combustible combination!!! That's what my MM & I have.

Open-minded? As in, it's ok to commit adultery and harm your family, just for some fun sex?

 

Yeah, right.

[Owl]

Wow, since when did an interest in BDSM automatically mean you're a sex addict?

 

And just because someone likes to go beyond boring-vanilla-missionary-sex doesn't mean they have "aberrant preferences". LOL! People need to be a BIT more open minded, don't you think?

 

But I will admit, if two people click on an emotional level AND their sexual preferences mesh - it's a combustible combination!!! That's what my MM & I have.

 

Good for you...but you have to admit that your attempt to disparage my observations is kinda undermined by the fact that his sexual therapist agreed with my thoughts and recommended him to go to SAA.

 

Sorry sparky...kinda made you look a little silly there, IMHO.

 

I think he's aberrant for starting a long-distance, internet-based, fetish-centric "thing" with another woman while hiding this 'preference' from his spouse...yep. Guess that means I'm closed-minded. I can live with that.

[lbm74]

Open-minded? As in, it's ok to commit adultery and harm your family, just for some fun sex?

 

Yeah, right.

 

Turnera, thank you. LilyBart-I AM having an open mind. After 18 years with so-called vanilla sex, I am willing to have an open mind to his bdsm interests. But to marry me and agree to have vanilla sex, and go on the internet to bdsm chat rooms on the side is , to say the least, unacceptable. What a coward for not discussing his curiosity with me prior to marriage and 3 kids. Of course he was bound to fall in love with one of his subs!

And as for the addiction-trust me, with all that he has admitted to, and with my research, what he has is an addiction, bdsm or not.

Who else thinks his request of sex 10 times per week AT LEAST, is normal? In the last 5 years I have been pregnant 3 times, breastfeeding each child for 1 year. I have had my body to myself for a total of maybe 2 months. Give me an f'n break! I didn't deserve any of this.