kmm111 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Even if a MM and MW follow through with the process of leaving their spouses for one another, is it naive to think their relationship will make it? I guess I will find this out because my MM was actually forced to leave by his wife when she found out about us. Now she is begging him to come back and it's been 2 weeks but he won't. His wife has 2 kids and they have one together. I am still with my husband but in the process of separating. My MM is living with a family friend right now and says it is really difficult because he feels alone because he is no longer part of a family and I am not able to be there for him yet 100% (which he understands). I need to remain in my house until it sells because of financial reasons. His wife is making him feel guilty about "walking away from the family" and I feel helpless because there is only so much I can do right now in my situation. It's very rocky right now and we are dealing with so many emotions although we definitely didn't expect it to be easy. Am I crazy to think we will make it through this and come out ok together in the end?
jennie-jennie Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Even if a MM and MW follow through with the process of leaving their spouses for one another, is it naive to think their relationship will make it? I guess I will find this out because my MM was actually forced to leave by his wife when she found out about us. Now she is begging him to come back and it's been 2 weeks but he won't. His wife has 2 kids and they have one together. I am still with my husband but in the process of separating. My MM is living with a family friend right now and says it is really difficult because he feels alone because he is no longer part of a family and I am not able to be there for him yet 100% (which he understands). I need to remain in my house until it sells because of financial reasons. His wife is making him feel guilty about "walking away from the family" and I feel helpless because there is only so much I can do right now in my situation. It's very rocky right now and we are dealing with so many emotions although we definitely didn't expect it to be easy. Am I crazy to think we will make it through this and come out ok together in the end? You know it is worth it. Kudos to you both for doing the right thing, going for love.
bentnotbroken Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Even if a MM and MW follow through with the process of leaving their spouses for one another, is it naive to think their relationship will make it? I guess I will find this out because my MM was actually forced to leave by his wife when she found out about us. Now she is begging him to come back and it's been 2 weeks but he won't. His wife has 2 kids and they have one together. I am still with my husband but in the process of separating. My MM is living with a family friend right now and says it is really difficult because he feels alone because he is no longer part of a family and I am not able to be there for him yet 100% (which he understands). I need to remain in my house until it sells because of financial reasons. His wife is making him feel guilty about "walking away from the family" and I feel helpless because there is only so much I can do right now in my situation. It's very rocky right now and we are dealing with so many emotions although we definitely didn't expect it to be easy. Am I crazy to think we will make it through this and come out ok together in the end? He can't be made to feel guilty for something he thinks is right....by her or anyone else. If he has feelings of guilt is because he knows what you and he did was straight up wrong. And yes I think you are naive.
BB07 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 You might beat the odds, but it's going to be extremely hard as you already know. I hope everyone comes out as unmarred as possible.
September Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Every situation is different but I had a very similar experience. We had a 2 year relationship. I was caught prior to him, separated from my husband, moved out and got my own place. He was caught 2 months later, was kicked out and got his own apartment. He would constantly tell me, his friend's, wife and family that he was really happy and in love with me and would not be returning home. After one month, and tonnes of letters, texts and phone calls from his W and a few from the children, he was plagued with guilt, dumped me out of the blue, packed up and went home. It's very hard for a MM, they feel they are giving up their family, history (for him a marriage of 22 years), a home and close friends. I think they are terrified of losing all of that. When they move out, they start to feel lonely. It's quiet, their children aren't around, the comfort and routine of home is gone. They have a lot of time on their hands to think. The love side of things? Who knows where that really lies. They tell you over and over how much they love and can't be without you. I suppose what I am saying is, brace yourself for a massive emotional rollercoaster ride. More often than not, they do tend to go home and we end up losing them. I really feel for you...
jwi71 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Even if a MM and MW follow through with the process of leaving their spouses for one another, is it naive to think their relationship will make it? Well, I don't recall all the ins and outs of your situation but I don't think you will because your MM didn't CHOOSE you - he got tossed out and runs to you because he has nowhere else to go. The times the MM/MW and AP "make it" are when they openly and honestly choose each other. And that's NOT what happened here. I guess I will find this out because my MM was actually forced to leave by his wife when she found out about us. Now she is begging him to come back and it's been 2 weeks but he won't. His wife has 2 kids and they have one together. 2 weeks? You think the A was a horrible roller coaster...you ain't seen nothing yet. And...uh...not to be rude but are you SURE she is the one begging to go back? In any case, should you decide to move forward with your divorce, stay out of his. I already know you won't. And the ride will get even worse for you. I am still with my husband but in the process of separating. My MM is living with a family friend right now and says it is really difficult because he feels alone because he is no longer part of a family and I am not able to be there for him yet 100% (which he understands). I need to remain in my house until it sells because of financial reasons Care to clarify this? I know its entirely possible to move out and still receive half of the house - its happening to a friend of mine as I speak - she moved out and her and her stbxh are selling the house and splitting the proceeds...its in their D and 100% binding. They each have separate apartments. Why not go this route? . His wife is making him feel guilty about "walking away from the family" and I feel helpless because there is only so much I can do right now in my situation. You are helpless. You focus on your divorce and let him worry about his. Once they are final, you guys can then focus on building a future together. It's very rocky right now and we are dealing with so many emotions although we definitely didn't expect it to be easy. Only the tip of the iceberg. Trust me on that. Am I crazy to think we will make it through this and come out ok together in the end? Crazy? No. Maybe overly-exuberant thinking. You both have separate emotional issues and joint ones to overcome. The best advice I can give is to give him plenty of space. Don't use each other as crutches. You must each navigate your own divorces (you are divorcing right - not just a legal separation yes?) I won't be all doom and gloom but there is MUCH stacked against you.
Ellin Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Even if a MM and MW follow through with the process of leaving their spouses for one another, is it naive to think their relationship will make it? I guess I will find this out because my MM was actually forced to leave by his wife when she found out about us. Now she is begging him to come back and it's been 2 weeks but he won't. His wife has 2 kids and they have one together. I am still with my husband but in the process of separating. My MM is living with a family friend right now and says it is really difficult because he feels alone because he is no longer part of a family and I am not able to be there for him yet 100% (which he understands). I need to remain in my house until it sells because of financial reasons. His wife is making him feel guilty about "walking away from the family" and I feel helpless because there is only so much I can do right now in my situation. It's very rocky right now and we are dealing with so many emotions although we definitely didn't expect it to be easy. Am I crazy to think we will make it through this and come out ok together in the end? You should hope for the best outcome but be prepared for the worst. It might very well work out for you, but as there are so many different problems, don't worry about it all at once. Take one day at a time. It's important to stay calm and communicate well with your man and be there for each other. I don't think you're naive at all. It's natural to believe there can be a happy ending and there can be. But just in case be ready for anything. All the best!
Ellin Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 For those who blow the trumpet of "he didn't choose you", the W has been begging him to come back but he didn't - that kind of invalidates your argument, don't you think? The W doesn't seem to really want him gone at all. Perhaps she did it in the heat of the moment or hoped he would beg her. But clearly him being away is not what she really wants.
fooled once Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Even if a MM and MW follow through with the process of leaving their spouses for one another, is it naive to think their relationship will make it? I guess I will find this out because my MM was actually forced to leave by his wife when she found out about us. Now she is begging him to come back and it's been 2 weeks but he won't. His wife has 2 kids and they have one together. I am still with my husband but in the process of separating. My MM is living with a family friend right now and says it is really difficult because he feels alone because he is no longer part of a family and I am not able to be there for him yet 100% (which he understands). I need to remain in my house until it sells because of financial reasons. His wife is making him feel guilty about "walking away from the family" and I feel helpless because there is only so much I can do right now in my situation. It's very rocky right now and we are dealing with so many emotions although we definitely didn't expect it to be easy. Am I crazy to think we will make it through this and come out ok together in the end? To answer your question, IMHO, yes it is naive to think you two will come out ok together in the end. Not saying some don't, but the majority don't make it. He didn't leave, she kicked him out. Was he ever planning to leave? How do you know he won't go back? It has been 2 weeks. Let's see if he is still out of the home in 2 months. Does your husband know you have been cheating? If not, why? Is the MM helping out with his children? Is he helping out financially with his children? If not, why not? If he hasn't, then his wife is right - he did walk away. You two haven't even begun to face some of the hurdles in starting a relationship that isn't hidden (IMHO). Life isn't all roses and whip cream. The choices you two have made (to cheat and not be hones)t will have repercussions for years IMHO. How long have you two been having an affair?
Author kmm111 Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 Thanks for your replies. Yes, he's been helping financially with his child and seeing him 4 times a week. The A has been going on for a little over a year and my husband does know about. I guess it's hard for me to put myself in his shoes because I don't have any kids. Is it normal for this to be a "process"? For example, I couldn't expect him to just cut off contact with his stepkids and not expect him to miss them or his family life, could I? I wouldn't think so. Is it normal to have crazy emotions and almost feel "torn" at times, even though this is exactly what we both wanted?
jennie-jennie Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 It is a change, a huge change, and changes take time. Being torn sounds normal to me. When life changes like this you question whether this is what you really want. It is almost like when something is within your reach you have to think twice whether you really want it or not. Just stay calm and you will know.
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Let me ask you.. Reguardless of what your MM does, are you and your H still splitting up and getting a divorce? I ask because there's still a very good chance he'll go back home. Nothing has been carved in stone, everything is very fresh and emotions are high. Anything could happen so YOU do what you need to do (end your marriage or fix it) reguardless of what he does. That shouldn't impact your decision..Meaning, don't turn around and say that you want to stay with your H if your MM decides to go back home. Make sense? For example, I couldn't expect him to just cut off contact with his stepkids and not expect him to miss them or his family life, could I? The stepkids are HIS child's half sibling, so there's no way he is going to cut off contact with them and only see his own flesh and blood. Expect to have all the kids in your life, as well as his exwife. She'll always be in the picture because of the kids, so don't make waves but asking him to distance himself or cut contact with his stepkids. It'll blow up in your face.
fooled once Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Thanks for your replies. Yes, he's been helping financially with his child and seeing him 4 times a week. The A has been going on for a little over a year and my husband does know about. I guess it's hard for me to put myself in his shoes because I don't have any kids. Is it normal for this to be a "process"? For example, I couldn't expect him to just cut off contact with his stepkids and not expect him to miss them or his family life, could I? I wouldn't think so. Is it normal to have crazy emotions and almost feel "torn" at times, even though this is exactly what we both wanted? So your H is 'cool' with you staying in the home while seeing a MM? Do you really expect him to not see his kids or his step kids? If you do, then I am afraid to say that if you choose to have an in the open relationship, you are going to have a very hard time because even if he isn't HER husband anymore, he is still the FATHER to the kids and they will ALWAYS have a relationship. He will be talking to her, seeing her and being involved, to a degree, with her in regards to raising their children.
White Flower Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 It's a good clue that he has been asked to come back yet he hasn't. I know some very weak men who would jump all over that offer to move back in. Cooked meals, clean laundry, and yes even some lovin'. Most men are just dependent on women, let's face it. But he said no. Either he really means this or he is holding out to teach her a lesson; a lesson in the future to think twice about throwing him out again. I hope it's the former.
bestplayer Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Even if a MM and MW follow through with the process of leaving their spouses for one another, is it naive to think their relationship will make it? I guess I will find this out because my MM was actually forced to leave by his wife when she found out about us. Now she is begging him to come back and it's been 2 weeks but he won't. His wife has 2 kids and they have one together. I am still with my husband but in the process of separating. My MM is living with a family friend right now and says it is really difficult because he feels alone because he is no longer part of a family and I am not able to be there for him yet 100% (which he understands). I need to remain in my house until it sells because of financial reasons. His wife is making him feel guilty about "walking away from the family" and I feel helpless because there is only so much I can do right now in my situation. It's very rocky right now and we are dealing with so many emotions although we definitely didn't expect it to be easy. Am I crazy to think we will make it through this and come out ok together in the end? ok I had read your previous posts so now you have decided to dump your H for OM while your H was trying to win you back ? Even if a MM and MW follow through with the process of leaving their spouses for one another, is it naive to think their relationship will make it? No I dont think it is naive to think thattheir relationship will make it. Like any other relationship there is no gurrantee , it may or may not work . I think in this whole mess the only person who ends up as a loser is your H but as we can see , it isn't something you are bothered about . Best of luck
jwi71 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Is it normal for this to be a "process"? Yes and no. I missed my kids HORRIBLY at first. It was bad. But I NEVER considered going back to her. I had to simply deal and cope with my new life...to help my kids adjust to their new life. In that sense...it is a process. Its also NOT a process because you either leave or you do not. There is no half-gone. There's no way to make it ANY easier - its impossible. You endure the "process of adjusting" or you do not. The problem is...he didn't voluntarily leave...he got thrown out. That's a big issue...if HE was ready to leave, he would have. But he didn't and likely hadn't thought it through - hadn't steeled himself against that horrible sense of loss. For example, I couldn't expect him to just cut off contact with his stepkids and not expect him to miss them or his family life, could I? Lord no. And would you really want a "man" who could so easily walk away from his children and step-children? Its bad enough cheating on one's spouse...but to simply disappear from a child's life and never return...that's barely human. She will ALWAYS be there. Period. They cannot EVER have NC - they have a tie that binds that cannot (should not) be broken. And his family life? I'm sure he misses it. Again, like the above, he didn't choose this - it was chosen for him. Consider that his whole world was just upturned his still in shock. There are countless stories of the MM being gone months then returning home. They are toe-dipping, testing if life with you is better than what he had. It almost always isn't and thus they go home. I wouldn't think so. Is it normal to have crazy emotions and almost feel "torn" at times, even though this is exactly what we both wanted? Well, tbh, I still (obviously) don't think he wanted this. His W found out and tossed him. Are those the actions of a man who wants out? Pay more attention to his actions and not his words. Now that he is on his own and everyone knows...he has filed for D right? Gotten a lawyer right? Has he made any official/legal moves to separate? Watch what he DOES...not what he says. If he really wants out, I would think he would have hired a lawyer and filed by now...right? Why do I get the sense that neither you or your MM have made any official moves to leave...shoot, you still live with your H.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Dag your still dealing with this crap? Thought you would have wised up by now.
JAGeezer Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Even if a MM and MW follow through with the process of leaving their spouses for one another, is it naive to think their relationship will make it? I guess I will find this out because my MM was actually forced to leave by his wife when she found out about us. Now she is begging him to come back and it's been 2 weeks but he won't. His wife has 2 kids and they have one together. I am still with my husband but in the process of separating. My MM is living with a family friend right now and says it is really difficult because he feels alone because he is no longer part of a family and I am not able to be there for him yet 100% (which he understands). I need to remain in my house until it sells because of financial reasons. His wife is making him feel guilty about "walking away from the family" and I feel helpless because there is only so much I can do right now in my situation. It's very rocky right now and we are dealing with so many emotions although we definitely didn't expect it to be easy. Am I crazy to think we will make it through this and come out ok together in the end? Only you know if what you've done to your separate spouses and families is worth what you're getting. But it terms of pure numbers your chances of making it work long term are less than one in four. The features that usually attract people to their AP seldom make for a good marriage partner. Good luck. You'll need it. JAG
Butterfly11 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Am I crazy to think we will make it through this and come out ok together in the end? I wouldn't say you were crazy per se to think that you will come out at the end okay. If you don't have hope, then what do you have? Having been through a similar situation it IS a rocky path, but you have to be strong, you have to be sure of your relationship, and in the end you have to believe that everything will be okay. Even a year and three months after my MM has left and divorced his W, we still have issues to deal with. It will never be smooth sailing all the time, but I think how you handle the bumps in the road will determine how your relationship plays out. Be supportive.
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