czecze Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Oh well... The ex husband is better off. And you? WTF do you get out of pining for a woman who could easily betray her husband, she could betray you as well... You was the accomplice and she turned on you, there is NO HONOR among thieves. and you know what's the sickest part was that you planned it all... You was complicit in her deception and went along with it. How can you look yourself in the mirror every day you get up? knowing you had a hand in this man's marriage, If the truth really got out, how could any of your mutual friends trust you, you are NOT to be trusted. ...But the flipside of this is that you acknowledge it was wrong, and your free of her, MOVE ON!!! why dont you apologize to the ex husband, go for absolution and be free. mentally of your crap! Why are you still thinking about this chick. she stabbed you in the heart as well! And people wonder why im so against affairs? your statement above will only make a third party feel you are opinionated and subjective, a speech coming from a bitter BS. If their marriage was so good, she would not have looked else where! H maybe better off without her for why would anyone want to be with someone who is clearly not in love with them (but with someone else?), If their bond is really strong, no one can come between them for sure! Don't put all the blame on this man, maybe the problem is SOME(not all) BS only put all the blames on the AP rather than trying to figure out what went wrong with their marriage or tries to find a way to work things out!
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Even People in good marriages cheat! Dont blame the marriage, sometimes you just gotta blame the cheater. There's problems within the marriage, so your advice and ultimately what your saying is that in order to fix it, you gotta screw other people, huh?
bentnotbroken Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 your statement above will only make a third party feel you are opinionated and subjective, a speech coming from a bitter BS. If their marriage was so good, she would not have looked else where! H maybe better off without her for why would anyone want to be with someone who is clearly not in love with them (but with someone else?), If their bond is really strong, no one can come between them for sure! their marriage or tries to find Don't put all the blame on this man, maybe the problem is SOME(not all) BS only put all the blames on the AP rather than trying to figure out what went wrong with a way to work things out! BS are responsible for 50%(in some cases more) of the marital problems. A bs is never responsible for the poor choice to cheat. It really is a personal decision to respond to adversity that way. All the blame for cheating in the marriage is the responsibility of the cheater. And you are correct that a committed partner does not cheat. It speaks more to the character and integrity of the one who chooses this option. Because some speaks in a tone, or the words that may be different than your style doesn't make them bitter. One can use the same argument to say that WS held on to the bitterness instead of dealing with it and used cheating a justification.
czecze Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Even People in good marriages cheat! Dont blame the marriage, sometimes you just gotta blame the cheater. There's problems within the marriage, so your advice and ultimately what your saying is that in order to fix it, you gotta screw other people, huh? If my H were looking else where for affection, I would ask myself, what is it that the other person can provide that I cannot? If we were really soul mates, if he were" really that into me" I don't think he would look else where for anything. I would also ask myself, do I want to be with someone who is not so much into me? or if he just plays around casually, is this the person I want to be with and love, I would think perhaps I did not know him as well as I thought, or perhaps he has changed, became someone I do not know anymore. I might be disappointed that he choose someone else over me but I would not "Blame" him for not being able to make the commitment he made to me. After all, people changes and perhaps he has changed into someone I no longer know! I would also think if I truly love him and if he is happier with someone else, I would just let him go and wish him the best !
czecze Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 BS are responsible for 50%(in some cases more) of the marital problems. A bs is never responsible for the poor choice to cheat. It really is a personal decision to respond to adversity that way. All the blame for cheating in the marriage is the responsibility of the cheater. And you are correct that a committed partner does not cheat. It speaks more to the character and integrity of the one who chooses this option. Because some speaks in a tone, or the words that may be different than your style doesn't make them bitter. One can use the same argument to say that WS held on to the bitterness instead of dealing with it and used cheating a justification. I would not call what you wrote here bitter and I can understand your point. But if one would call another person names and to say he/she deserves this and that...etc, I would feel the person is rather bitter especially when the party involved is feeling down already and just asking for some comfort! I am also wondering, would you feel better if your H divorces you(without being in an A) and then immediately find someone else to be with after the D, or even he finds someone else he may be attracted to and could share with,he might not be able to control his feelings and have an A but he still could not make up his mind to leave you because he also cares about you and your feelings?
bentnotbroken Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I would not call what you wrote here bitter and I can understand your point. But if one would call another person names and to say he/she deserves this and that...etc, I would feel the person is rather bitter especially when the party involved is feeling down already and just asking for some comfort! I am also wondering, would you feel better if your H divorces you(without being in an A) and then immediately find someone else to be with after the D, or even he finds someone else he may be attracted to and could share with,he might not be able to control his feelings and have an A but he still could not make up his mind to leave you because he also cares about you and your feelings? I made up his mind up for him. I don't believe you can care for me and hurt me at the same time. I think it is twisted crap justification for being a coward. If you want to leave....by all means leave. Honesty for me is the sign of a person who not only knows that actions can sometimes hurt, but knows lies add to that pain and they refuse to do that. I could care less if he found someone else without cheating, at least that would allow the respect for the man I thought I married to remain. I don't want anyone who can't control themselves:sick:...feelings or otherwise. I don't think Chrome is bitter at all, no matter how he comes off. I just think that's how he communicates.
czecze Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I made up his mind up for him. I don't believe you can care for me and hurt me at the same time. I think it is twisted crap justification for being a coward. If you want to leave....by all means leave. Honesty for me is the sign of a person who not only knows that actions can sometimes hurt, but knows lies add to that pain and they refuse to do that. I could care less if he found someone else without cheating, at least that would allow the respect for the man I thought I married to remain. I don't want anyone who can't control themselves:sick:...feelings or otherwise. I don't think Chrome is bitter at all, no matter how he comes off. I just think that's how he communicates. I think it will hurt either way.. as long as he leaves. It hurts if he leaves even if no one else is involved, then you might be angry that he could not make the commitment he made to you! perhaps it is the way you communicate, but you will give the impression to some people that there is so much anger left unresolved. one might actually be happier if one could just forgive and forget and move on with their own lives.
bentnotbroken Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 (edited) I think it will hurt either way.. as long as he leaves. It hurts if he leaves even if no one else is involved, then you might be angry that he could not make the commitment he made to you! perhaps it is the way you communicate, but you will give the impression to some people that there is so much anger left unresolved. one might actually be happier if one could just forgive and forget and move on with their own lives. Leave with dignity. What's wrong with that? Why lies and deceit? Hurting by leaving is one thing exposing one to crazy AP, STD's and gas lighting is a whole different issue. It speaks of the height of selfishness. And you are right, it is only an impression on the part of those who read what they want into posts. As I said to the OP earlier, what would he dole out to himself? I think he just needs to learn from the situation and leave cheating woman to her own reaping session. Edited August 10, 2010 by bentnotbroken
pureinheart Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 No, I think that she is more of a reality-phobe. I have read tons of things about affairs on various website, in an attempt to better understand what happened to nearly 5 years of my life. One of the things that I learned is that her BH made all of the wrong moves when he discovered what he thought was just an EA. He begged, pleaded, and really gave her all of the power. Rather than expose the EA to everyone, he kept her secret thinking that protecting her from all of their friends/family learning it would help him save the M. That ended up allowing her to somewhat play the victim -- the poor woman whose husband left her. I suppose the problem with she and I was that she could not divise a way that once she was divorced, she could go public with a relationship with me while still keeping up the public image as the innocent victim in all of this. She thought that if she were to try to do that, her XH would then expose to everyone what very little he knew about us having some kind of relationship while they were still married. I knew that eventually going public with our relationship was going to be a challenge, but I was willing to see that through. You are who you are, not who people think you are. I knew that some day we were going to have to deal with the reality of what we had done. So, I assume that she ultimately decided that she needed to get remarried soon because she was overwhelmed with trying to maintan the house that she got in the D settlement on her own and has no job so therefore would have no health insurance after a D. She couldn't think of a way for that marriage to be with me because she would have to give up the public facade of being the innocent victim of a husband who left her. When she ended our relationship almost a year ago, she never gave me a logical reason. Just some mushy talk about how she couldn't handle the stress any more. It appears that again it was an inability to deal with the reality of telling me that she had found someone new that she could go public with while still keeping all of the secrets of her/our past hidden. All about appearance... For Gods sake, most of those people she will not even know in 5-10 yrs. ExDM was about appearance also, mainly to his kids. It's not a good way to live. I care what people think to a degree, with the inability to change anyone, and my imperfections...well. Until now, I was at work more than home so most of this experience is work related, although I found no matter how "perfect" you are there is ALWAYS one in the bunch that likes to talk ****. I would also venture to say that there were people that knew about the A, I really don't believe that she got off scott-free, but who knows. I really hope you are ok....so are you off the ledge yet?
pureinheart Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 My goodness, it's so sad that you would believe such a thing... It was a bit harsh, yet that is what keeps me humble...better wording would be ..in comparison to what I actually deserve, I have it priddy good...thank for calling me on that:)
HappyAtLast Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 If I may, I think you dodged a bullet. It appears to me that your affair partner wanted to divorce her husband and was looking for someone to financially support her. I don't mean this to be offensive, but, is it possible that she found someone who was able to support her "better"? Cause honestly, I just think she was looking for the most lucrative way out. Just something to ponder.
Author loozerinluv Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 All about appearance... For Gods sake, most of those people she will not even know in 5-10 yrs. ExDM was about appearance also, mainly to his kids. It's not a good way to live. Yes, she was definitely concerned about appearance to her kids as well. And as I said, I knew that was going to be a big hurdle to find our way over. But, I still had this silly notion that the only thing worse than participating in a LTA and hurting a lot of people was participating in a LTA, hurting a lot of people, and then having it all be for nothing. Until now, I was at work more than home so most of this experience is work related, although I found no matter how "perfect" you are there is ALWAYS one in the bunch that likes to talk ****. I would also venture to say that there were people that knew about the A, I really don't believe that she got off scott-free, but who knows. I'm pretty sure that she did get off scott-free in terms of appearances. Of the few people who knew that "something" happened between us, she mostly convinced them that she just leaned on me for emotional support because of a bad marriage, despite the fact that it had been a 2 year PA at that point. She is very good at playing the victim card. I really hope you are ok....so are you off the ledge yet? Not really. To be clear, by being "on the ledge", I mean being on the verge of doing something I will probably regret by somehow trying to get some revenge. I still haven't completely lost that urge. But, I doubt that I will do it. Like I said, the recent news about her new relationship was just a giant step back for me. I had been very good about maintaining NC over the past year with only 2 weak moments early after the break up. I was under the impression that she was going to finally try to work on her marriage and I was going to take myself out of the equation and let her do that. Then a few months ago she contacted me and told me that they did go through with the D and she may need financial help. I guess that gave me some hope that all of those years were not wasted. Then I heard nothing until the past couple of weeks when I stumbled onto the info that it never was about her finally trying to work on her marriage. She just found someone new. I still do not understand why she made that call a few months ago. Maybe there was some trouble with the new guy and she got nervous and wanted to be sure that she had somewhere else to turn if she needed it.
Author loozerinluv Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 I don't mean this to be offensive, but, is it possible that she found someone who was able to support her "better"? Cause honestly, I just think she was looking for the most lucrative way out. No, I don't personally know the guy, but do know who he is. She didn't score a financial win. He is definitely more attractive than me, but most men are. She is also exceptionally attractive. Although all of the players in this story are in our mid 40's, so I don't know how big of a criteria that is for the decision making.
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