Just caught my BF of 5 years cheating

[RedDevil66]

So after 5 years, many issues, many hours of couples therapy, many hours of him in AA and me in Al Anon. Many hours of him swearing on his KIDS heads he was faithful and many hours of talks, I snoop through his cell this morning and see he's been having an affair.

 

Claims it's only been a few weeks, claims they never had sex, but admitted to phone sex, sex txting, meeting a few times for coffee and many many emails and nude pics.

Claims our relationship was so volatile and he was never sure if were going to be together or not and claimed he was feeling down about himself and needed the attention.

Claims he ended the major flirting since he really loved me and wanted to work it out

I asked to look into his email before I kicked him out, he let me look. There was an email from her sent yesterday saying "I miss you already, this really sucks so bad"

 

Not quite words of someone you've only claim to be speaking with for 3 weeks.

And saw many of her nudes.

She is married with 3 kids. Classless ahole!

At first he was saying I was blowing it out of proportion, then was begging he was sorry and please, don't let this happen.

Saying "Please, I love you, I f*cked up, please"

 

He lied, he cheated and I kicked him out. I'm in shock!

 

He's txting me saying "I'm sorry, I know you can never trust me again, I am sorry"

I didn't reply nor will ever reply.

 

I'm done!

[meerkat stew]

Very sorry you are having to go through this. Keep active and try to avoid stifling in the shock and outrage as much as possible. Turn your phone off keep it out of constant checking distance, avoid alcohol, and limit your venting to friends and family to as low a level as possible, just keeps you dwelling on it. Many of us here have been through it as you know, you will get past it. Am sure you have heard and given the same advice before, just don't know what else to say. Have always enjoyed your posts here and so sorry this has happened to you.

[2sunny]

i'm sorry to hear that... it sucks!

 

what made you want to snoop now? just wondering what triggered you to check...

[RedDevil66]

thanks to both of you.

 

I've been cheated on before by my ex of 11 yrs and the ex after him, but this pain never gets easier.

Lessons learned I guess. At the time, I thought I was picking good men, and they were good men. Good men who had small egos that needed to be stroked I guess.

 

He's been txting me all day saying he "can't believe this, he's sorry, it was just about feeling lonely and we were always fighting and I always thought you were going to leave. It was never physical, I f'ed up and I am sorry and I know you will never believe or trust me again. I can't even get out of bed or eat"

 

I've not replied, nor will I.

 

Sunny, the 1st 2 yrs together, I used his phone once and saw he called an ex right after we had a fight. So I looked more and saw he called her a lot.

He claims he was just calling her cause he felt hurt about our fights.

Fine, I let that go

 

Then last summer, I started to get a gut feeling and I installed a keylogger on MY pc (which he was always on and snooping on me) and got this passwords. I check his email and saw he was flirting with this one girl for many weeks. It was harmless, but still, flirting.

Also saw he was emailing this girl he used to work with saying he missed talking to her.

Nothing concrete but enough to get me to make a couples therapy appoint.

We went, he acted like I was the nut for being mistrusting. Never took any responsbility for it.

So I always had doubt since.

But we kept up with couples therapy and working hard on us. Not hard enough I guess.

 

This past few months, he's been yelling at me for no reason, going out at night for coffee (he's never done this so I knew) and just seemed very distant.

Then I saw him delete some girls msg on his FB. I asked him why and she said "Cause she's a pain"

My antenna's went up.

A few weeks back, I was on his pc and saw he googled this girl. Asked him why, he had some lame excuse and I knew he was full of it.

But I ignored it.

Then this morning, something just told me to look in his cell. I did and I see two nudes of a woman.

He wakes up, I ask him about it and he said "Oh that's just some girl from the net"

I said it was this girl you googled and he said yes, then it was from "It's just some pics"

to "Ok, we had phone sex, and sex txt and I did go to meet her for coffee, and we only just kissed, but a peck once"

Said he did it because he was always worried I had one foot out the door and felt lonely.

 

I asked him to open his email and he did. He told he ended it with her last week because it was getting out of hand and he loved me and would die if he lost me

Well in his email, I saw that email to her and her reply last night to him was "I miss you soooooooooo much already, this sucks"

 

And he tells me he's only been talking to her for 3 weeks. Does that sound like the words of someone he's known 3 weeks? Yeah right!

 

It's done, I can slice and dice it anyway and bottom line, he lied and I will never trust him ever again.

 

I'm totally in shock and devastated!

[2sunny]

so he cheats and he's constantly trying to make it your fault... god, i hate cheaters that don't own the way THEY participated...

 

he minimizes all of his bad behavior - so it's anybodies guess what the reality is... when the trickle truths come - it's hard to gauge whether or not they did more, more, more.

 

and why would he invest in counseling if he wasn't willing to be honest and just say - hey - i'm paying attention to someone else because i like the ego strokes? honesty helps... lies never make anything better.

 

heal now, do that for YOURSELF - you deserve it. don't waste any more time or energy on someone that's incapable of treating you with respect.

[freestyle]

Gosh, RD, I'm soooo sorry to hear this.

 

what angers me more on your behalf, is that your bf must have known your history of being cheated on---

 

.......and he went ahead and kicked you in the same spot where you've already been kicked.........what an assh*t!!!

 

I've been through something similar---the guy knew I had issues from having been cheated on before, and used that knowledge to gaslight me:

 

"Oh, you're just being paranoid,'cuz it happened before ..."

 

"You're making a mountain out of a molehill", etc.......

 

Turns out my gut was right......grrrrrr!!!!

 

So I can truly empathize with what you're feeling right now.

 

I wish had words to help you feel better---but you have to go through the whole process, anger, grieving.....

 

best I can do is give you a cyber hug...(((((((Red Devil))))))

[RedDevil66]

so he cheats and he's constantly trying to make it your fault... god, i hate cheaters that don't own the way THEY participated...

 

he minimizes all of his bad behavior - so it's anybodies guess what the reality is... when the trickle truths come - it's hard to gauge whether or not they did more, more, more.

 

and why would he invest in counseling if he wasn't willing to be honest and just say - hey - i'm paying attention to someone else because i like the ego strokes? honesty helps... lies never make anything better.

 

heal now, do that for YOURSELF - you deserve it. don't waste any more time or energy on someone that's incapable of treating you with respect.

 

He rarely took the blame. He was a professional at gaslighting.

Not sure why he agreed and went to couples therapy. He even agreed to go back to an AA Alnon group we used to go to.

 

I guess he was sicker than I thought.

 

I need to heal and make it all about me. It's going to take me a some time. I just can't even compute this.

[RedDevil66]

Free; YES, he ALWAYS was gaslighting me, I even printed out info on gaslighting and gave it to him. He said he never read it and I told him "read it, because you do this"

 

My words to him today were "you knew how the cheated of my ex's almost killed me, how could you? And your own wife of 20 yrs cheated on you, do you not recall that pain? How could you do this"

 

He said "I knew it was wrong and I just did it to make myself feel better, I never saw it was cheating because i never liked her or had sex with her"

 

Who knows, every word out of his mouth just means nothing to me.

[2sunny]

Free; YES, he ALWAYS was gaslighting me, I even printed out info on gaslighting and gave it to him. He said he never read it and I told him "read it, because you do this"

 

My words to him today were "you knew how the cheated of my ex's almost killed me, how could you? And your own wife of 20 yrs cheated on you, do you not recall that pain? How could you do this"

 

He said "I knew it was wrong and I just did it to make myself feel better, I never saw it was cheating because i never liked her or had sex with her"

 

Who knows, every word out of his mouth just means nothing to me.

 

ya, he was willing to try to make himself feel better - at YOUR expense!

 

he kept in contact knowing it could potentially KILL the relationship you two were supposedly working on... he knew. he was just selfish, self serving and dishonest.

 

let me guess, in his AA program he hasn't worked his steps...

 

when nothing changes - nothing changes. the man he USED to be looks no different than the man he is today. if he were recovered (past tense) it wouldn't look like this.

 

he would have considered your feelings before his.

 

are you sure he's not still drinking? looks like it could be possible?

 

you deserve more than what he is capable of offering. i hope you have happy days ahead!

[2sunny]

ok - i found this old bit of history that helps...

 

16th September 2009, 3:07 AM

in therapy but it was only in the last 5 mins. The therapist had a lot of questions and I didn't realize the time

I told the therapist and him that I read his email and found him flirting with girls and thought he could be cheating.

Told her why I suspected and why I snooped.

She told him that introducing threats like flirting to a unstable relationship is like a terrorist attack.

She asked if we were coming back, I told her I was regardless, he said he wanted to come back also and work on this.

Then we had to leave.

 

 

Of course him and I talked about it once we left. He wanted me to go back to his house so he can go into his email and explain it all to me.

He said he never ever cheated or flirted

We went back to his place, logged on to his PC, the flirting was right in front of our eyes and he denied it.

Then he turned it around on me. Said I was "scary" and crazy for snooping, then called me names and basically went nuts. Said now that I "checked up on him" He can never trust ME and he was not returning to therapy.

 

Dry drunks, got to love them.

 

So that's it, he told me never to contact him again and I won't.

I somehow knew he was not strong enough to face his reality.

Oh well, 4 yrs, lesson learned. Time to heal. This is going to be rough

 

so another year has passed and nothing has changed... go figure.

 

when you say you won't have contact with him - keep your word to YOURSELF!

 

move forward - be only concerned with your happiness. that should help get things back in balance.

 

do not allow him to contact you - unless you intend to be typing the same version year after year here.

 

take care of you first... then consider giving to others you can help - without being the doormat.

[xpaperxcutx]

Wow, RD, I'm really surprised by your ex bf's behaviour, and if anything I'm glad you did kick him out. Don't let his actions reflect on the the kind of person you are, and in no way did you " push" into having an A. If anything, I think you're too good for him, you let him get away with his actions despite your previous suspicions.

 

I hope you're coping well.

[RedDevil66]

Sunny: he started to work the steps, went to an intensive mens weekend for the 12 steps but never followed through weekly with his sponsor, so your guess is bang on. One of the group leaders of the group we went to, cheated on his wife for years, gambled their house away, lost his job, you name it and he did it.

His wife left, he worked the steps, they got into the AA couples group and now, 10 yrs later, they are amazing and run these groups.

He told us, right to my ex's face (wow, my ex) that if he doesn't work his steps, nothing will get better.

 

I think me leaving him will be his biggest wake up call ever. When I left him 2 yrs ago after some of his drunken verbal abuse, he went to AA, stopped drinking and has not drank since.

 

He just txt me again saying "Honesty is a huge issue in the program. I am sorry for not telling u I justified it by knowing it wasn't going anywhere"

He's been txting me saying how he messed up and how sorry he is and he's going to work on himself.

I'm not buying a word!

 

Sunny, yes in therapy last Sept, we had it out and it was over. It was over many times and I tried to stay away but there was never concrete proof. Well today, there was all the proof I needed.

 

I'm too good to be with someone who lies and cheats. I did let him get away with this. I always justified it because I have hurt him with my critical words.

There were times, I was not nice to him.

The first 2 yrs we were together, he was great.

His wife of 20 yrs told me he never abused her or cheated (that she knew of)

His sister in law who I talk to said he's a good man, she's shocked by this.

 

My take, he's away from booze, has no way to cope, was always fearful I was out the door or cheating on him. He always told me I was too good for him. He just decided to be a jerk to self sabatoge.

Well it worked, he lost me!

 

I'm not coping too well. I'm so strong in ALL aspects of my life but this. Men, break-ups and deceipt.

[freestyle]

Hey, hope you're doing okay today, RD.It's gonna be a long road. I admire you for sticking to your guns about your boundaries.

 

Just curious, is this the same guy you posted about sometime last year, who had either a brother or a cousin who was involved in an affair, and your bf was helping to cover for him?If I recall correctly, you were torn about whether or not to tip off his wife, because you knew her....and she was really sweet.

 

If that is the same guy, that's further evidence that he doesn't seem to think infidelity is that big of a deal..........(sheeesh)

[CrayonAngel]

Jeeze hun! I'm soooo sorry for what you're going through. What an @$$!! HE doesn't deserve you so hold your ground! how dare he try to blame this on you what a freaking coward~!

[donnamaybe]

Awww, RD, I'm so sorry hon.

 

He's had more than enough chances to prove he is worthy. It'll be hard for awhile, but you'll heal. Life will go on, and a good man will find you. I know it.

[suddenlylost]

I can not believe my boyfriend of 4 years did the same thing to me.

I always excused his little lies for one reason or another. At one point he told me his exwife accused him of being a sociopath/ I looked up the definition and found alot of the characteristics there, but excused them away.

The lies got bigger and bigger until I found he was having a 9 month online relationship and met the woman, while living with me and promising a lifetime comittment. He actully made me feel like I was wrong for snooping and packed his bags to leave;he said the words were there but they werent true he was just saying that stuff. I had 100;s of pages of text because he didnt realize tho he was deleting emails on his phone, they were stored on his computer. I begged him to stay. Geeze. How does he do this, we are talking about facebook, a pretty public forum for public snooping.

I also found he was offering long weekends and visits of all kinds to at least 10 other women on facebook. Once again I found an email from a woman and presented him with the evidence. Even with printed evidence in my hand, first he denied it, then lied as to what it meant. Again I begged him to stay.The first time he promised he would reassure me, and the very first time I asked him something we got in a fight like he was beyond reproach, I had no right to question him because he told me he wouldnt do that again. More recently I caught him in bed with a woman, he said she was in there because she was sick, and he was sitting up in the chair. he 100% lied. The relationship was so established Im sure he had been seeing her awhile, I think I would have still taken him back. This man has me taking the blame for every lie. He looks at women to where its rude and has me thinking that Im paranoid. At the same time he is charming and attentive to me and I crave his company. I am still, even after all this hurt, 100% in love with this man. Figure that one out.

I know I am not to blame for the snooping, or the fact that he lies, but why do i love him so much. I didnt talk to him not once today. First time ever. Im trying to take it day by day, but I still want him to see me, hoping he will think I look good and maybe kick himself that he made a mistake. I have to keep reminding myself I would never be able to trust him and he would never feel the need to prove himself to me. I need therapy.

Edited August 12, 2010 by suddenlylost

[RedDevil66]

Hey, hope you're doing okay today, RD.It's gonna be a long road. I admire you for sticking to your guns about your boundaries.

 

Just curious, is this the same guy you posted about sometime last year, who had either a brother or a cousin who was involved in an affair, and your bf was helping to cover for him?If I recall correctly, you were torn about whether or not to tip off his wife, because you knew her....and she was really sweet.

 

If that is the same guy, that's further evidence that he doesn't seem to think infidelity is that big of a deal..........(sheeesh)

 

yes, wow, you recall that. Yes, his cousin was having an affair, but was outted by the OW husband and it came to an end. My ex was telling his cousin how wrong it was and he was going to get caught. He should have taken his own advice.

[RedDevil66]

I can not believe my boyfriend of 4 years did the same thing to me.

I always excused his little lies for one reason or another. At one point he told me his exwife accused him of being a sociopath/ I looked up the definition and found alot of the characteristics there, but excused them away.

The lies got bigger and bigger until I found he was having a 9 month online relationship and met the woman, while living with me and promising a lifetime comittment. He actully made me feel like I was wrong for snooping and packed his bags to leave;he said the words were there but they werent true he was just saying that stuff. I had 100;s of pages of text because he didnt realize tho he was deleting emails on his phone, they were stored on his computer. I begged him to stay. Geeze. How does he do this, we are talking about facebook, a pretty public forum for public snooping.

I also found he was offering long weekends and visits of all kinds to at least 10 other women on facebook. Once again I found an email from a woman and presented him with the evidence. Even with printed evidence in my hand, first he denied it, then lied as to what it meant. Again I begged him to stay.The first time he promised he would reassure me, and the very first time I asked him something we got in a fight like he was beyond reproach, I had no right to question him because he told me he wouldnt do that again. More recently I caught him in bed with a woman, he said she was in there because she was sick, and he was sitting up in the chair. he 100% lied. The relationship was so established Im sure he had been seeing her awhile, I think I would have still taken him back. This man has me taking the blame for every lie. He looks at women to where its rude and has me thinking that Im paranoid. At the same time he is charming and attentive to me and I crave his company. I am still, even after all this hurt, 100% in love with this man. Figure that one out.

I know I am not to blame for the snooping, or the fact that he lies, but why do i love him so much. I didnt talk to him not once today. First time ever. Im trying to take it day by day, but I still want him to see me, hoping he will think I look good and maybe kick himself that he made a mistake. I have to keep reminding myself I would never be able to trust him and he would never feel the need to prove himself to me. I need therapy.

 

WOW! Yes I would say he's a sociopath.

You dont love him, you are addicted to him. In time you will see the difference.

Look into some info on line about codependency. It will help you understand why you do what you do.

My ex was just a jerk, not a sociopath.

 

He will never stop what he's doing.

[Stung]

Devil, I just saw this. I'm very very sorry you're going through this, and that you've had to do it before. For what it's worth, I think it's for the best that you have gone NC with him. From what I have read just in this thread, the past few years have been a struggle and his behavior has been suspect more than once, I don't see how trust is recoverable. I think it's wise you have chosen to walk away with your head held high, although I know you are still hurting.

[freestyle]

I can not believe my boyfriend of 4 years did the same thing to me.

I always excused his little lies for one reason or another. At one point he told me his exwife accused him of being a sociopath/ I looked up the definition and found alot of the characteristics there, but excused them away.

The lies got bigger and bigger until I found he was having a 9 month online relationship and met the woman, while living with me and promising a lifetime comittment. He actully made me feel like I was wrong for snooping and packed his bags to leave;he said the words were there but they werent true he was just saying that stuff. I had 100;s of pages of text because he didnt realize tho he was deleting emails on his phone, they were stored on his computer. I begged him to stay. Geeze. How does he do this, we are talking about facebook, a pretty public forum for public snooping.

I also found he was offering long weekends and visits of all kinds to at least 10 other women on facebook. Once again I found an email from a woman and presented him with the evidence. Even with printed evidence in my hand, first he denied it, then lied as to what it meant. Again I begged him to stay.The first time he promised he would reassure me, and the very first time I asked him something we got in a fight like he was beyond reproach, I had no right to question him because he told me he wouldnt do that again. More recently I caught him in bed with a woman, he said she was in there because she was sick, and he was sitting up in the chair. he 100% lied. The relationship was so established Im sure he had been seeing her awhile, I think I would have still taken him back. This man has me taking the blame for every lie. He looks at women to where its rude and has me thinking that Im paranoid. At the same time he is charming and attentive to me and I crave his company. I am still, even after all this hurt, 100% in love with this man. Figure that one out.

I know I am not to blame for the snooping, or the fact that he lies, but why do i love him so much. I didnt talk to him not once today. First time ever. Im trying to take it day by day, but I still want him to see me, hoping he will think I look good and maybe kick himself that he made a mistake. I have to keep reminding myself I would never be able to trust him and he would never feel the need to prove himself to me. I need therapy.

 

if you start a thread of your own here, there's lots of us that will help you..

posting your story in this thread won't get as much attention, it might get lost in the shuffle.

 

but since I'm here, I'd like to recommend that you check out a couple of other forums, if only to do some reading to help you understand why you keep going back to this guy....

 

do a google search for "lovefraud" which is a highly informative sight about falling for sociopathic people

 

also, "It's all about him" is another good site where you'll enounter others who have had similar experiences to yours.It's focused on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) where the other is focused on ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder) . I wouldn't be surprised if your guy falls into one or both of those categories, given the level of calculated deception you described.

[suddenlylost]

Thanks for the advise free. Im so trying to heal from this horrific event. I appreciate your words and will post a new thread asap. I can use all of the advise I can get. Im so tired, but i did do a quick search for those things you suggested, will look more tomorrow.

Thanks again