Haldog Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Been married 3.5 years and things are getting worse by the week. My wife says I am not fulfilling her emotional needs. I believe her but for the life of me cannot figure out what that means or how to do it. We both love each other and there hasn't been any infidelity. My second marriage and her 3rd. How do I make her feel loved and fill that emotional void that she has?
BellaBellaBella Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 There is an explaination in regards to emotional needs and a test for each of you to figure out which are the important ones. Sexual fulfillment and admiration are usually high for men.
xxoo Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Been married 3.5 years and things are getting worse by the week. My wife says I am not fulfilling her emotional needs. I believe her but for the life of me cannot figure out what that means or how to do it. We both love each other and there hasn't been any infidelity. My second marriage and her 3rd. How do I make her feel loved and fill that emotional void that she has? Firstly, you can not fill her emotional void. She needs to take responsibility for her own emotional health. Second, she needs to be more specific in what she needs from you, as a partner. She needs to be able to identify and ask for the acts that would make her feel closer to you. More time together? More talks? More sex? If she can not identify exactly what she wants you to change (her needs and desires), you probably need the help of a marriage counselor to figure it out. Considering that you've had multiple marriages between you, it is probably safe to assume you both could use a little support in the marriage dept
Married_and_Lonely Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Been married 3.5 years and things are getting worse by the week. My wife says I am not fulfilling her emotional needs. I believe her but for the life of me cannot figure out what that means or how to do it. We both love each other and there hasn't been any infidelity. My second marriage and her 3rd. How do I make her feel loved and fill that emotional void that she has? hey haldog, fellow man here. first off, good luck trying to decipher what women mean when they speak.. lol.. her vague statement could mean just about anything under the sun. try to ask her more questions and ask her to be more specific for you. whatever she says, try your hardest to not react with anger. if you do, you won't hear everything she has to say as she'll probably stop opening up to you and just try to avoid the conflict. let her know that you take this serious b/c you love her, and that you appreciate her letting you know how you can improve and fulfill her more. report back here after you get the additional information. good luck
BellaBellaBella Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Little things like letting her know you miss her, really fulfill my needs. Also doing incredibly silly things, do as well.
Married_and_Lonely Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 haldog, i recently read gary chapman's book, "the 5 love languages." it's a good book that you should probably both read and discuss. maybe it'll help, maybe it won't.. but it's a very short 180 page read, so give it a chance.. anyways, the book identifies the love languages as physical intimacy, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. one of the ways to identify your wife's love languages is by listening to her complaints. her most frequent complaints in regards to emotional fulfillment probably point to her love language. if she says you never look her in the eye and talk to her about your day, then it's probably quality time... if she says you never tell her how beautiful she is and how special she is, and that you miss her, then it's probably words of admiration... if she sometimes says things like, "I remember when we used to just cuddle and smooch, then physical affection.. etc... these are over-simplifications and the book is much more advanced, but the point is this... couples frequently have different love languages and we usually show our loved ones love in our native love language, but unless your partner speaks the same love language, then they may not be getting the full impact of your communication of love. the goal is to learn your partner's love language and then learn to speak the same language to her. she should aim to do the same for you. if all else fails and you're unsure her love language, try to speak to her in all of them and see which ones she responds to the most... walk up to her, give her a huge hug, give her a big kiss, and say, "i don't tell you this often enough, but you're a beautiful, special woman and i love you." the following week give her a gift that reminds you of the time you two met, something special... and then the following week give her some quality time, doing something together that the two of you enjoy without distractions.. good luck.
Corporate Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Been married 3.5 years and things are getting worse by the week. My wife says I am not fulfilling her emotional needs. I believe her but for the life of me cannot figure out what that means or how to do it. We both love each other and there hasn't been any infidelity. My second marriage and her 3rd. How do I make her feel loved and fill that emotional void that she has? Ask her what her top 5 emotional needs are and ask her to rate them from 1 to 5. Most women woud list affection, helping on household chores, conversation, recreational activities, etc. Ask her to explain each of the five she listed. For example, when she list household chores as her 3rd highest emotional need, ask her to explain in more detail what they are. She could say that she would like you to take our the garbage without her asking, to wash dishes twice a week, to vacuum the floor at least once a month, etc. Once you know her needs and meet them. She's happy and in turn, you'll be happy.
BellaBellaBella Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I meant to say the emotional needs ranking test is on marriage builders. I am reading his needs/her needs. Also the 5 languages of love is a book we have.
Binster Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Maybe the problem is her, after all she cashed her chips in with two other blokes and now she's going for a third.
jackfergusion Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 She sounds like an emotional person who needs more concentration and care for herself. You can win her heart by just doing some simple things. Always ask her for her problems or daily schedule that what she did in the whole day and give some suggestions or appreciate her good work. Once in a week go for a candle light dinner and order for her favourite dishes or a beautiful date and give her a nice gift,it is can be a single rose.
Joe10 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 (edited) Divorce her? Edited August 9, 2010 by Joe10
InceptorsRule Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Been married 3.5 years and things are getting worse by the week. My wife says I am not fulfilling her emotional needs. I believe her but for the life of me cannot figure out what that means or how to do it. She's blame shifting. Blaming you for....what? We both love each other and there hasn't been any infidelity. My second marriage and her 3rd. Infidelity isn't just physical sex. She could be having an emotional affair via texting/email/phone calls/web camming. Unless you monitor her behavior 24/7 with keyloggers on her computer, hacking into her email accounts, and free access to her cell phone, as well as a VAR in her car, you just don't know. Why did her first two marriages fail? 3.5 years in....eh she's probably just getting bored, she has intimacy problems, she's met someone she fancies, she wants to blame all her problems/the marriage's problems on you. I would bet good money she's in contact with someone. It sounds like she's done with the marriage already just like the first two. How do I make her feel loved and fill that emotional void that she has? You don't. That emotional void has been a constant for her in her entire life and probably stems from her childhood. You can't be her savior, she's probably too damaged for you to do anything about it unless she gets professional/psychiatric help. What you do now is protect yourself.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Yes I'm being an ahole..... But what crap, when a woman (especially one on her third marriage) spouts those words..... As another poster said, they mean nothing and are just words and excuses she is using to put you on the defensive..... Yes I am very cynical of late and read these posts with a raised eyebrow..... You see a man could be very direct and say using my common refrain "I want more sex".... You know what the response is 90% of the time.... "You have a left hand and tissues, go please yourself"....
nddb Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 (edited) She depends on you to fill that those tingling feelings that hollywood says she ought to feel when in love. She's programmed to expect life to be a walk through Paris romance lane flavored with Disney happiness. That's the cultural imperative. Bear it or have an unhappy wife. Not happy? Tough cookie. But if you want to go with the program scripted by Hollywood, read up. Little gifts, love notes, silly whisperings, text throughout the day, making her feel like she's #1. Say you are busy or exhausted or pre-occupied or your upbringing didn't prepare you and you need help to fulfill her needs? WTF is the matter with you--she's entitled to go on to guy #4 to keep looking. That's what the script says. But what about your needs? You want more sex? Sorry, that's not in the script. You hope this will make her happy and grant you more. But god helps you if you ask for it 'cuz your needs are dirty dirty and she's not bound to fulfill them. That's the way Dr. Phil/Oprah say it works, and most women in this culture bought into it. It's not their fault. It's what they've been programmed. You can't fault people for that. You can't change the world, what can you do. I bailed and went outside of this culture to get married. I still do the flowers, cards, love notes, surprises, etc. But they are hugely appreciated and not expected. That makes ALL the difference. My wife is a happy person, and doesn't need me to be happy (she's always upbeat) but she wants me in her life and vice versa. That makes me want to be with her--she's so positive. Mostly my wife appreciates quiet contentment and deep connection, not flashy stuff. And when I'm down and need comfort, it's there. And vice versa. I was so shocked when I got to know her, having dated a lot of different women over the years, that I proposed after 6 months. It's been nearly 20 years and I thank my lucky star every day. And she knows I'm hugely appreciative and in it for life. Edited August 9, 2010 by nddb
InceptorsRule Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 She depends on you to fill that those tingling feelings that hollywood says she ought to feel when in love. She's programmed to expect life to be a walk through Paris romance lane flavored with Disney happiness. That's the cultural imperative. Bear it or have an unhappy wife. Not happy? Tough cookie. But if you want to go with the program scripted by Hollywood, read up. Little gifts, love notes, silly whisperings, text throughout the day, making her feel like she's #1. Say you are busy or exhausted or pre-occupied or your upbringing didn't prepare you and you need help to fulfill her needs? WTF is the matter with you--she's entitled to go on to guy #4 to keep looking. That's what the script says. But what about your needs? You want more sex? Sorry, that's not in the script. You hope this will make her happy and grant you more. But god helps you if you ask for it 'cuz your needs are dirty dirty and she's not bound to fulfill them. That's the way Dr. Phil/Oprah say it works, and most women in this culture bought into it. It's not their fault. It's what they've been programmed. You can't fault people for that. You can't change the world, what can you do. I bailed and went outside of this culture to get married. I still do the flowers, cards, love notes, surprises, etc. But they are hugely appreciated and not expected. That makes ALL the difference. My wife is a happy person, and doesn't need me to be happy (she's always upbeat) but she wants me in her life and vice versa. That makes me want to be with her--she's so positive. Mostly my wife appreciates quiet contentment and deep connection, not flashy stuff. And when I'm down and need comfort, it's there. And vice versa. I was so shocked when I got to know her, having dated a lot of different women over the years, that I proposed after 6 months. It's been nearly 20 years and I thank my lucky star every day. And she knows I'm hugely appreciative and in it for life. I have to say if many of the women on this website are a representative sample of what's "out there," a goodly percentage of Western women (I want to say "American" but there are a fair amount of non-American westerners posting here) are complete psychos.
Ellin Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Been married 3.5 years and things are getting worse by the week. My wife says I am not fulfilling her emotional needs. I believe her but for the life of me cannot figure out what that means or how to do it. We both love each other and there hasn't been any infidelity. My second marriage and her 3rd. How do I make her feel loved and fill that emotional void that she has? Are you sure she has not started to develop feelings for someone else? Saying you don't fulfill her emotional needs so so vague, it doesn't really mean anything and maybe there is something else behind it. You need to talk to her and ask what specifically she needs from you emotionally. Only then you can try to make things better. Good luck!
Woggle Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 You are her 3rd marriage and chances are she has found her 4th victim.
Woggle Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I have to say if many of the women on this website are a representative sample of what's "out there," a goodly percentage of Western women (I want to say "American" but there are a fair amount of non-American westerners posting here) are complete psychos. It sure makes you feel good about modern relationships doesn't it?
vodkafan Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Haldog, don't lose hope dude. You have hit a bad patch is all. Sounds like you two have got into bad habits. By talking to each other you can find out where you are going wrong relating to each other and put it right. Sometimes this can feel artificial at first but when she sees you are trying (and vice versa) that goes a long way. For instance, long before the big upheaval in my marriage my wife felt starved emotionally. I didn't realise. I thought I was being a good husband by putting in overtime at work, bringing the money in etc. I was always treating everything as a job. How this manifested itself was she would try to talk to me and before she finished a sentence I was walking away to do something. The worst thing was that the kids started to do the same thing. My wife started to feel like she had no value, she was like a ghost in her own house. When I finally LISTENED - when it was almost too late- I had to physically retrain myself to stand still and look at her when she spoke to me. Just one example. Don't listen to the negative posters on here. Good luck
rumrunner63 Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 So I just finished my 2nd marriage, it was her 3rd...sound familiar. One of the things that bothered me early on is I met her 2nd husband and he was a GREAT guy. I couldn't figure it out. But I started to get the same weird you "don't make me feel special " bs after our 2nd year and lo and behold she got as much out of the well as she could. Be careful, yes she may be just going thru a phase, but alot of them are also careful planners and will set you up big time.
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