shopaholic99 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 My ex boyfriend and I dated for almost 3 years. we just broke up about a two or three weeks ago. This summer, I went to Spain for about 6 weeks and we had contact, however not as much as we should have. When I came back, we hung out for a weekend (dates, dinner, etc) and two days later he CALLED ME and said he didnt "feel the same," "feelings were gone," and they would "never come back" and that was it. Then he just cut me out. I kept calling and texting him for days and no response. I saw him the other day and he kept telling himself that hes "doing the right thing." He ended it with memories and how we have appreciated things weve learned from eachother. Our relationship was strong. We didnt fight much, didnt really have problems, we did almost everything together, and we told eachother everything, basically best friends. Everyone wanted our relationship. We were very happy before I left for Spain, he surprised me by coming into town and got me goodbye gifts. Because we had a great relationship and were together for about 3 years, i cant believe he just cut me out of his life so effortlessly. He didnt really try (just that one weekend) and didnt warn me. He should have tried and given it more than just a weekend esp bc i was gone for almost two months. His sister told me just today that he is very adamant and i shouldnt have any hope for a second chance. His parents might be getting a divorce and I think its hitting him hard. I would have never thought his feelings would change bc we were so in love. Hes not really the type to hit on girls and see someone else, very faithful so I know this isnt the case. Does the 8 week challenge apply to this even if someone lost feelings? His head is not clear right now and hes a mess bc of his life. Is he going to come back? What do I do? Will he realize how much he loves me? He even said it was good. Im the first girl he said i love you to. Our families liked eachother, we were best friends, he didnt open up to anyone else, everything was just good. Ive been in no contact with him for exactly a week today.
EthanH Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 My ex boyfriend and I dated for almost 3 years. we just broke up about a two or three weeks ago. This summer, I went to Spain for about 6 weeks and we had contact, however not as much as we should have. When I came back, we hung out for a weekend (dates, dinner, etc) and two days later he CALLED ME and said he didnt "feel the same," "feelings were gone," and they would "never come back" and that was it. Then he just cut me out. I kept calling and texting him for days and no response. I saw him the other day and he kept telling himself that hes "doing the right thing." He ended it with memories and how we have appreciated things weve learned from eachother. Our relationship was strong. We didnt fight much, didnt really have problems, we did almost everything together, and we told eachother everything, basically best friends. Everyone wanted our relationship. We were very happy before I left for Spain, he surprised me by coming into town and got me goodbye gifts. Because we had a great relationship and were together for about 3 years, i cant believe he just cut me out of his life so effortlessly. He didnt really try (just that one weekend) and didnt warn me. He should have tried and given it more than just a weekend esp bc i was gone for almost two months. His sister told me just today that he is very adamant and i shouldnt have any hope for a second chance. His parents might be getting a divorce and I think its hitting him hard. I would have never thought his feelings would change bc we were so in love. Hes not really the type to hit on girls and see someone else, very faithful so I know this isnt the case. Does the 8 week challenge apply to this even if someone lost feelings? His head is not clear right now and hes a mess bc of his life. Is he going to come back? What do I do? Will he realize how much he loves me? He even said it was good. Im the first girl he said i love you to. Our families liked eachother, we were best friends, he didnt open up to anyone else, everything was just good. Ive been in no contact with him for exactly a week today. When a couple have to spend time apart, particularly one who are used to spending so much time together as seems to have been the case for you and your ex, each member of the couple can deal with that in two ways: 1) to be upset and miss the person, for it to impact their life, to reach out for every bit of contact. or 2) to get on with things, to try to put thoughts of missing the person out of their head. To live life and be positive. I think you followed 1 while he followed 2. And unfortunately, when you saw each other, the thoughts he had spent so much time thinking, as a way of coping with your situation, led him to realise that he didn't need you. Maybe he changed when you were away. Maybe he actually rather than missing you, realised he liked to have the extra freedom he was allowed. As for his actions. I think, if he has decided it is over, I feel he is acting just the way anyone in that position should act - Not giving you any false hope. The idea of him telling his sister anything but that he didn't think a second chance would be possible would be totally pointless if he still feels at the moment that he made the right decision. I think you need to content yourself with the thought that the only way you are going to potentially have something in the future which is healthy for BOTH of you, is if you hold back and let him stick to his decision. If you do that, if you aren't scared that he can do better and you are willing to respect him enough to accept his decision, it will count for something. If that's not enough, you can sit around and mope about it, but eventually you will get up and move on. Why waste the time moping, when you could just 'get up' now...?
Author shopaholic99 Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 I totally agree with both of you, Im trying to give him that space now. My hope comes and goes, especially because when he did break up with me, he couldnt even say I love you to me anymore. Are his feelings really gone or could it be something else? I dont get how he wants nothing to do with me anymore when our relationship was pretty good, but I guess thats what a break up is. So you basically suggest I just dont contact him until he does...that is if he ever does.. His birthday is on the 18th, but Ive been told by all of my friends not to wish him.
Don Ho Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Hey Shop. Sorry. I know it never feels good. My Ex also said she "wasn't feeling it" and "she didn't feel the same anymore". Relationships (and people) are complicated. I think when they say those things your only choice of action is to pull far away. That means NC and no response if he contacts you unless he starts saying he made a mistake and so on. You may have "pushed" with him too much, he may have lost interest, he may have needed a challenge, maybe you were too easy. Don't read a bunch of stuff into his parent's divorce, it doesn't really change what you have to do and you're not Dr. Laura. As much as you don't want to be "mean" or think you should contact him on his Bday, don't do it. If I were him I would just see it as an excuse for you to contact me, view it as weak and want to push you further away. That's not what you want. Continue the NC.
EthanH Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I agree not to see him on his birthday. What you need for him is to realise how much he misses you. For him to be happy on his birthday, everyone smiling, if he misses you, he will really feel it in those surroundings. I don't know what is in his head, but I wouldn't think about him not being able to say he loves you when you broke up. Just think it through, even if he still does (keep in mind people can love someone but think it won't work between them) why would he tell you that when you broke up? It would just confuse you even more. Too often when people break up, the dumper tries not to hurt the dumpee and therefore says nice things such as 'i still love you' and all it does is just confuses...I'm not saying he is still in love with you, but put his actions in context and it is clear that is kinda pointless trying to read into them...
Author shopaholic99 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 thank you so much everyone! it really helps to hear this rather than "you deserve better" and "hes not worth it" which is true to some point, but i sometimes want some constructive advice about the situation. I just feel like he keeps telling himself hes doing the right thing. You cant really just fall out of love with some over 6 weeks and completely cut them out of your life i feel. People can be so harsh sometimes. When I was with him spending time the first weekend, I asked him later why he was being so normal with me and didnt bring anything up. he said because he was "trying to make things normal." Im hoping not texting him on his birthday will just be a slap in his face. I have to admit that when i was in spain, i wasnt talking to him enough. i was busy, time difference, everything. He even said "you forgot about me." It still doesnt justify much though in my eyes. Hes in a different city right now working, but im hoping when he gets back to his city itll remind him of me and us more. Who knows at this point...I dont even know if he will contact me. I really appreciate the advice, thank you again.
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