Feel Guilty?

[BlackLovely]

Before I ask this question, I want to clarify that I am in no way belittling those who choose to date married people. I'm just curious about this...

 

While you're dating a married man/woman, do you ever feel guilty? If not, how do you justify your actions to yourself? If so, how do you manage this guilt?

 

I'm only asking because I could never be "the other woman". The guilt of poisoning a marriage and possibly depriving children of their father would eat me alive. I also believe that karma is very powerful.

 

It will be interesting to discover how people handle remorse or lack of it.

[jennie-jennie]

Nope, no guilt here. I am an unapologetic other woman. I did my part. I told my now exSO about MM, and eventually I ended that relationship. I can't control what my MM does or doesn't do when it comes to his marriage.

 

It's simple really:

I love a man, he loves me, we are in a relationship.

What's to feel guilty about?

[cavedweller]

BlackLovely,

 

You ask why would a single woman sleep with and have a relationship with a married man when there are tons of single men out there?

 

There are a many reasons why single women fall for this crap:

 

1..The married men will stalk his quarry and get inside of their head.

 

2..The married man is a player and a charmer..(he knows how to build her up to the point that she feels important)

 

3..The married man has her believe that he is interested and concerned about her problems, future plans, her life and her welfare.

 

4..The married man offers wild sex.

 

5..The married man strokes her ego and makes her fell important.

 

6..In the relationship the single woman is in 100% control...ie: The wife has a ring on his finger, but, the mistress has a ring in his nose..(he can't see her, talk to her or sleep with her unless she gives the ok)

 

7..The married man has to spend money on her and lots of it...(it costs a lot of money for a man to keep a woman on the side)

[Silly_Girl]

Before I ask this question, I want to clarify that I am in no way belittling those who choose to date married people. I'm just curious about this...

 

While you're dating a married man/woman, do you ever feel guilty? If not, how do you justify your actions to yourself? If so, how do you manage this guilt?

 

I'm only asking because I could never be "the other woman". The guilt of poisoning a marriage and possibly depriving children of their father would eat me alive. I also believe that karma is very powerful.

 

It will be interesting to discover how people handle remorse or lack of it.

 

My remorse is not for the existence of the relationship I have with her husband, is the fact she is not aware.

 

When MM and I first met things between he and his wife were very poor. They were discussing nightly whether to split. Both were distressed and the tension was more than they could bear. As a couple they have zero physical intimacy and little emotional intimacy.

 

Wife had an affair, and moved out to be with her MM. HIS wife found out, and went nuclear. Eventually he agreed to work on his marriage and wife was left stranded. She moved back on the premise nothing would change between them, there would be no sex, no counselling and she would continue to see her MM, although there would no longer be 'an affair'.

 

I seemed to appear at just the right moment (or indeed, the opposite) and it diffused the situation between them. I was his focus, she was grateful for time away from the anxiety etc. I was having a relationship with a man sharing a house, as far as I was concerned. Still wrong, still a married man, I was still a secret. All wrong wrong wrong. Still I carried on. I broke it off several times, briefly, for different reasons but mostly because I knew my feelings were deepening and it wasn't okay. These incidents usually came about when there had been a reminder of how Wife considered herself to be the only one in MM's life. She would want him to attend something or would need his help with something and rather than it being a jealousy thing, it bothered me that she wasn't aware of where his time and attention and affection was going.

 

The guilt drove me crazy, I had nightmares about her/them. So I gave an ultimatum. I was going on an extended holiday and if he wanted me, I wanted him to move out and stop deluding his wife. If we weren't going to end up together I would heal while I was away.

 

Once the decision was made for him to move out, the guilt dissipated. Because he was doing 'the right thing' and the few short weeks in between would be inevitable and manageable. He talked to her and didn't mention me but said he was leaving. I felt very much more relaxed knowing his wife wasn't building further expectations of their relationship.

 

He didn't move out. Period of NC.

 

We resumed contact. We established things such as:

They (both individually and separately) have no intention of getting counselling.

He will cheat on her, at some point, in future as he cannot comprehend living the rest of his life without sex.

She will not give up seeing her own MM, and meanwhile my MM resents the symbolism of this, but is glad she sees him because it makes her happy, and reduces her demands for his own time.

Ultimately, we plan to be together.

 

Initially, when we were first back in touch (I have refused to meet with him in person until his circumstances have changed) I had no guilt. I did the 'well, he's going to cheat anyway, better with me, she doesn't care for him anyway, she started it' etc etc. All kidding myself and disguising the real issues. And time ticked on.

 

In the period of NC he'd agreed to a holiday with her (imminent). I've since dug my heels in. Told him I can't accept that. He planned to tell her when they returned. I say no. I say that it would be worse to go and pretend in that way, that there is no good time to tell her. That building on the deceit, hiding the fact he does not care for her as he should, is just amoral and I find it disgusting.

 

My dreams of her have returned. I had a very bad dream last night that my psycho-ex (serial cheater prone to violence and gaslighting) had possessed MM's body and my lovely, kind, gentle MM was treating me just as my ex did. And in the dream it became clear that my concern was that he can do this to his wife, and although their circumstances are much more British and refined than my ex and I there is no difference. And I hate that she does not know and has no power over her own life, to make her own choices. She is more settled with MM than she has been in a long time, saying 'oh well, if this is the best it's going to get we can manage this, can't we?'. She has not made plans more than a couple of months in advance with him for several years, because she never knew if she wanted to be with him permanently. Now she's trying to book a trip overseas next year. This change in her is what is making me feel so awful.

 

To the point that, even if I lose MM over it, I have started considering telling her myself. MM has told me which day next week he plans to tell her about us. I guess if/when it doesn't happen, I'll have a lot of thinking to do.

 

 

And karma. Tears now. I spent 8 yrs in a destructive relationship, fixing and patching and trying to change, trying to help him... All because I broke my ex-husband's heart when I left him, and counselling and introspection has helped me to learn that those 8 years were my punishment. I chose that for myself. I'm disgusted with myself now, but I felt so much guilt about my marriage (my son's father) that I just put everything else down to karma. I 'deserved' it. And when my ex cheated on me with best friend, well, I must have REALLY deserved that.

 

Maybe my relationship with MM is his wife's karma for how devastated she left him over and over when she would turn to him for help in her new relationship. I don't know. I'm too emotional on this stuff today to really unwind that one.

 

But in summary, yes, I feel tremendous guilt and don't plan to live with it any longer.

[Fallen Angel]

BlackLovely,

 

You ask why would a single woman sleep with and have a relationship with a married man when there are tons of single men out there?

 

That was not the question the OP asked.

 

She asked about guilt and how it is dealt with.

 

Can we please stay on topic?

 

To the OP,

 

No, I do not feel guilty about loving a man who freely offered me his love.

[Butterfly11]

BlackLovely,

 

You ask why would a single woman sleep with and have a relationship with a married man when there are tons of single men out there?

 

There are a many reasons why single women fall for this crap:

 

1..The married men will stalk his quarry and get inside of their head.

 

2..The married man is a player and a charmer..(he knows how to build her up to the point that she feels important)

 

3..The married man has her believe that he is interested and concerned about her problems, future plans, her life and her welfare.

 

4..The married man offers wild sex.

 

5..The married man strokes her ego and makes her fell important.

 

6..In the relationship the single woman is in 100% control...ie: The wife has a ring on his finger, but, the mistress has a ring in his nose..(he can't see her, talk to her or sleep with her unless she gives the ok)

 

7..The married man has to spend money on her and lots of it...(it costs a lot of money for a man to keep a woman on the side)

 

Ummm, none of those were the reason that I had an A with a MM...but OT.

 

Yes, I felt somewhat guilty about the deception to the W. I knew that As weren't right, but yet my love for him and the feeling that he is the "one" made me be able to justify the A to myself.

[skylarblue]

I do not feel guilty. I don’t have to “justify” my actions or manage my guilt, convince myself that “this” is okay because of “that” reason. If you want one simple clear-cut objective answer it’s because I don’t/didn’t care about or respect the sanctity of their M (I know that’s going to be taken the wrong way). I think that’s true of all OW (and WS). Even if the A is known or accepted by the BS, at one point it was an unknown secret. At that time, the sanctity of the BS’s M was disrespected.

 

Subjectively, I didn’t feel guilty because I never considered myself to be poisoning a marriage and possibly depriving children of their father or a “home wrecker”. I’m not pressuring or trying to convince MM to leave his W (I do respect that part of his M). I guess the fact that I’m not trying to breakup MM’s family (I think that’s the ultimate fear of an A by BS) I don't think it's that big of a deal. I don’t think that his M and family are suffering from it. MM hasn’t expressed any guilt or remorse (actually it seems the opposite), and although I think “why should I care if he doesn’t”, I wouldn’t feel any more or less guilty than if he did.

 

I’ve always found it a little hypocritical for the OW or WS to say “I feel guilty” when they are the one causing it to happen to the BS. That doesn’t mean I don’t think a person could feel bad for something they continue to do, but genuine guilt should be a reference to steer people towards doing the right thing.

[bentnotbroken]

I do not feel guilty. I don’t have to “justify” my actions or manage my guilt, convince myself that “this” is okay because of “that” reason. If you want one simple clear-cut objective answer it’s because I don’t/didn’t care about or respect the sanctity of their M (I know that’s going to be taken the wrong way). I think that’s true of all OW (and WS). Even if the A is known or accepted by the BS, at one point it was an unknown secret. At that time, the sanctity of the BS’s M was disrespected.

 

Subjectively, I didn’t feel guilty because I never considered myself to be poisoning a marriage and possibly depriving children of their father or a “home wrecker”. I’m not pressuring or trying to convince MM to leave his W (I do respect that part of his M). I guess the fact that I’m not trying to breakup MM’s family (I think that’s the ultimate fear of an A by BS) I don't think it's that big of a deal. I don’t think that his M and family are suffering from it. MM hasn’t expressed any guilt or remorse (actually it seems the opposite), and although I think “why should I care if he doesn’t”, I wouldn’t feel any more or less guilty than if he did.

 

I’ve always found it a little hypocritical for the OW or WS to say “I feel guilty” when they are the one causing it to happen to the BS. That doesn’t mean I don’t think a person could feel bad for something they continue to do, but genuine guilt should be a reference to steer people towards doing the right thing.

 

 

I agree with all of this post except the bolded part. My biggest fear was catching some disease that I would suffer and die from because someone else didn't ask me if were okay to expose me to it. If I wanted to share my vagina with everyone, I would have offered it up of my own volition.

[dragonwave]

As the OM, I felt incredibly guilty. I knwo the affair was wrong and like many others, I did not go looking for it. It strated out as friendship, went to EA and then PA. I did care for the MW but down deep inside I knew it would not have much of a future, she had two small kids under 4. Having went through a divorce myself, it brought up so many memories and pain, that eventually I could no longer take the guilt and secrecy, and we both agreed to end it. She owed it to herself and family to work on her marriage and at the end, I was a distraction to the problems she needed to deal with and for her to get a reality check on what marriage is all about. By far the worst mistake ever and truthfully, while I never suffered from extreme low confidence, the whole experience did not make me feel good about myself at all. I walked around with alot of guilt and shame for some time after the affair ended. Wish someone had told me not to go down that road.

[carrie999]

Before I ask this question, I want to clarify that I am in no way belittling those who choose to date married people. I'm just curious about this...

 

While you're dating a married man/woman, do you ever feel guilty? If not, how do you justify your actions to yourself? If so, how do you manage this guilt?

 

I'm only asking because I could never be "the other woman". The guilt of poisoning a marriage and possibly depriving children of their father would eat me alive. I also believe that karma is very powerful.

 

It will be interesting to discover how people handle remorse or lack of it.

 

You are belittling and judging everyone who does this. You made that clear when you said you would be eaten alive by "the guilt of poisoning a marriage," etc. I'm guessing you're bitter because you're on the receiving end of it,

[White Flower]

Before I ask this question, I want to clarify that I am in no way belittling those who choose to date married people. I'm just curious about this...

 

While you're dating a married man/woman, do you ever feel guilty? If not, how do you justify your actions to yourself? If so, how do you manage this guilt?

 

I'm only asking because I could never be "the other woman". The guilt of poisoning a marriage and possibly depriving children of their father would eat me alive. I also believe that karma is very powerful.

 

It will be interesting to discover how people handle remorse or lack of it.

I like you Blacklovely so I'll play.

 

But I'll give you a head's up: when you start a thread asking for OPs to comment on their A sitch and offer your own moral grounding it DOES appear as though you're intent is to bash in advance. For future referrence, if you really are curious about people's feelings in general, just ask the question without offering your own moral standards, ok? More people will post if they feel they aren't going to get bashed, then you will get a better understanding of the responses.

 

Now I'll answer the question.

 

His vows were with her, he was the one who broke them (long before I came along, BTW), and it is he who should feel quilty about HIS M.

 

I D'd my exH so that I wouldn't have to feel any guilt about my OWN M. I don't feel guilt about theirs. That is their problem.

[Silly_Girl]

God, I wish I could detach myself more. I feel dreadful about his wife. Truly awful.

[White Flower]

God, I wish I could detach myself more. I feel dreadful about his wife. Truly awful.

But didn't you say that they were already separated? One would think you would feel LESS guilty than the average OW?

[Silly_Girl]

But didn't you say that they were already separated? One would think you would feel LESS guilty than the average OW?

 

No, they aren't separated.

[OWoman]

Before I ask this question, I want to clarify that I am in no way belittling those who choose to date married people. I'm just curious about this...

 

While you're dating a married man/woman, do you ever feel guilty? If not, how do you justify your actions to yourself? If so, how do you manage this guilt?QUOTE]

 

I don't date - that's just so HS IMO. But I do choose MMs as my lovers.

 

I don't feel the remotest shred of guilt. I do not worship at the altar of the sanctity of marriage. Available is as available does - if a MM makes himself available to me, he's available - whatever some piece of paper may say. Being M hasn't changed my view. I still choose a MM as my lover - only difference is now he's M to me.

[White Flower]

I don't date - that's just so HS IMO. But I do choose MMs as my lovers.

 

I don't feel the remotest shred of guilt. I do not worship at the altar of the sanctity of marriage. Available is as available does - if a MM makes himself available to me, he's available - whatever some piece of paper may say. Being M hasn't changed my view. I still choose a MM as my lover - only difference is now he's M to me.

Love it!:love:

[woinlove]

I used to prefer MM because I didn't want any commitment and liked the higher intensity of in-love feelings that typically comes with an affair. I never felt any guilt at all and figured whatever was going on between the MM and his W was his concern, not mine. I also rationalized my actions by saying I wasn't hurting anyone since I always made it clear I didn't want the MM to leave his W (although one did anyway).

 

Belatedly (in my 30's) I matured, learned to love more deeply and care more about others. The one time more recently I was becoming the OW, I immediately felt guilty even though I don't know anything about the W. I no longer separate my own actions from the MM's deceit of his W. I've decided that I want any lover of mine to treat others well and I'd like to be a positive influence in that.

 

So I have experienced both sides - guilt and no guilt. I had a lot of fun in the no guilt stage. But, I very much prefer what I have now: the real love and connection and caring I feel for others, and the meaning that comes from not being so focussed on myself.

[piscis]

Hi Blacklovely.

 

I do not feel guilty.

I do not feel as a homewrecker either as someone told me on a different post.

I fell inlove with a man that decided his commitment to his W was not that important and made lots of efforts to engage in a R with me.

So I sometimes feel sad yes, I would like it to be differente of course but I have never feel guilty.

[BlackLovely]

That was not the question the OP asked.

 

She asked about guilt and how it is dealt with.

 

Can we please stay on topic?

 

To the OP,

 

No, I do not feel guilty about loving a man who freely offered me his love.

Thanks for keeping things on topic and answering my question.

[BlackLovely]

You are belittling and judging everyone who does this. You made that clear when you said you would be eaten alive by "the guilt of poisoning a marriage," etc. I'm guessing you're bitter because you're on the receiving end of it,

As far as I know, your guess is completely unfounded. You are only lashing out at me because you feel guilty.

I was only sharing what my own feelings would be, if I became the OW. I don't see how this belittles those who choose to have affairs.

[White Dove]

As far as I know, your guess is completely unfounded. You are only lashing out at me because you feel guilty.

I was only sharing what my own feelings would be, if I became the OW. I don't see how this belittles those who choose to have affairs.

 

You can't really know how you would feel if you have not been the OW?

[LostintheMidwest]

The guilt of poisoning a marriage

 

That's the guilt I felt.

[LostintheMidwest]

BlackLovely,

 

You ask why would a single woman sleep with and have a relationship with a married man when there are tons of single men out there?

 

There are a many reasons why single women fall for this crap:

 

1..The married men will stalk his quarry and get inside of their head.

 

2..The married man is a player and a charmer..(he knows how to build her up to the point that she feels important)

 

3..The married man has her believe that he is interested and concerned about her problems, future plans, her life and her welfare.

 

4..The married man offers wild sex.

 

5..The married man strokes her ego and makes her fell important.

 

6..In the relationship the single woman is in 100% control...ie: The wife has a ring on his finger, but, the mistress has a ring in his nose..(he can't see her, talk to her or sleep with her unless she gives the ok)

 

7..The married man has to spend money on her and lots of it...(it costs a lot of money for a man to keep a woman on the side)

 

For me, it was none of these.

[YellowShark]

For me I would feel guilty having an affair with a married person because I am giving myself permission to do something I know is fundamentally wrong.

 

For me I would feel guilty having an affair with a married person because of the betrayal I am engaging in which would hurt the people who love and trust that married person.

 

For me I would feel guilty having an affair with a married person because of all the negative energy it takes to do it - lying, sneaking around, and destroying of evidence.

 

For me I would feel guilty having an affair with a married person because I was a BS and know how it feels to be betrayed.

 

But that's just me.

[Summer Breeze]

For the record your opening comments do come across as judgemental. They many not have been meant that way but they are.

 

Was a BS first and the only person who betrayed me was the exH. The OW didn't ruin my M, he did.

 

Was an OW later and the only person to betray his W was him.

 

Guilt-nada.

 

Someone said something about the negative energy used in the deceit and such. None. I didn't decieve anyone. He ran himself ragged because he chose to spend time with me. That was his decision and all of the lies and all of the energy he might have put in was all his doing.