Hold fast Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I have a boyfriend of ten years and we live together, we are both 37, no children. I simply don't want to be with him at all. He actually hasn't done anything wrong, he's nice and kind etc but he just annoys me, everything he does annoys or bores me (I actually hate how I am with him and the things I think he doesn't deserve it) physically I don't find attractive and can't stand it if he touches me. For a while now I have wanted to own my own home and he has found one to buy, and is going through with it. My heart is not in it, I have no interest in moving or starting to make a new home with him. It was all too much and recently I told him, I said we weren't getting on and I honestly didn't know how long we would last and in light of this he had to decide if he still wanted to buy the house because I would feel bad about leaving him with a large mortgage. He decided he still wanted to go ahead with it (the deposit is his from an inheritance but name will be on the mortgage). The closer it comes the sicker I feel. I have raised several times since that I don't know how long we will last but he doesn't say anything other than 'I know'. My situation is further confused by me now being in my second affair, my first affair was just a distraction with a most unsuitable man but the man I am seeing now I am so in love with, his personality, the sex just everything, we laugh endlessly. He is 46 and married with a teenage boy but when the time is right he is prepared to leave his marriage (I am sure you are raising your eyebrows now, having heard this line on loveshack many times!). We have only been seeing each other for 3 months though have known each other for four years. He has already told his wife that he is thinking of leaving though the effect of this is she is now trying to save the marriage (which I know is her right). Of course I am not so blind to these things to know that he may be having his cake and eating it and may never leave but my gut instinct is different, it tells me he is the one and I am inclined to trust it. I simply don't know what to do. I think it is a question of time, that I must bide my time a little, I really don't know, I feel sick. I mean I have told my boyfriend how I feel but he wants to go on. I realise that I could end up living on my own is some miserable bedsit with no possibility of ever owning my home and I have few friends. Please any guidance would be so welcome at this time for me. I am posting in this forum not th eother woman forum becasue I feel that getting out of my current situation with my boyfriend is troubling me, not the other man. Thank you for your patience in reading this. I want to sort it out I don't want to drift with my inner life so at odds with my outer life.
Treasa Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I think your boyfriend - the one you're officially with - deserves to hear that you do not want to be with him, that you don't have the right feelings for him, and that you are moving on without him, and he needs to do the same. I don't think you've really expressed to him that it's over. You need to make sure your name is not on his mortgage, and you need to end this now. As far as your other man goes, even though you didn't ask for advice about it, I think you need to end that as well. Who cares what he may or may have told his wife. You need to leave him alone so he can either make his marriage work or end it with dignity. If he does leave her, he needs to be on his own for a while before entering another relationship. And I think you need to be on your own for a while as well. You're a grown woman. There is no reason you need one relationship, much less two. I think you need to find your independence, because right now it doesn't appear as though you have any. I think being on your own will give you an inner strength that would do you a lot of good, and will help you in not having confusion and turmoil in future relationships.
spiderowl Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Does your boyfriend know about your affairs? If he doesn't, I think it's time you told him you don't have feelings for him any more and that you are seeing other men. It sounds to me like you are feeling guilty about this and also concerned for your own welfare as you know it won't last and you will have to find alternative accommodation. I suggest you find out what your legal rights are once your boyfriend knows the truth. It's best you don't let him go ahead with a major purchase without him having full information. He can't possibly make a wise decision when in the dark like this. I do think, though, that he is not unaware of how the land lies. He would ask how you felt otherwise and what you wanted to do. I think he is sticking his head in the sand - maybe you both are. The truth is painful but sometimes it is kinder to acknowledge it than let people make serious mistakes. You know things are going to change once the truth is out so you might as well look into how you can prepare for this and try to get your life back on track. Look at alternative accommodation, etc. Having affairs is not the solution. It sounds like you are clutching at straws to me because these affairs are unlikely to lead to a satisfactory conclusion for you anyway. They are a symptom of your unhappiness and disrespectful to the man you once cared for. I think you know what you have to do.
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