Raderick Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 ...instead of trying to find out the problem and trying to comfort the friend? At least I try to do that. It seems like it is lost in our world to actually make an attempt instead of throwing out a couple words and move on, and it's really depressing, especially if I'm in need of comforting (like now).
zengirl Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Well, there are several reasons. For one, people don't know what you want when something is wrong (unless they know you well). I mean, some people don't want a lot of questions when they're upset, or even to talk about it, but other people do. It's hard to know what to do. It's precarious. For another, people feel helpless sometimes when someone else is hurting. I know I do. I teach preschool-aged children right now, amongst others, and when these little kids start to cry, I just feel powerless. I mean, I comfort them and think I'm pretty good about it, but it's similar to how I feel with grown folks, only magnified by the fact that I have to do something beyond just say, "I'm sorry," and that's still a big part of what I do. (In fact, my kids will ask, "Why do you say you're sorry? It's not your fault/You didn't do anything" because I utter the phrase so much in that context, to which I tell them: "Sorry also just means sad for someone, so when you're sad, I'm sad for you, because I love and care about you." Which is true of how I feel when I say this to the kids or people I love when they're sad.) Unless you've given clear signals on how to help you, some people feel expressing their sympathy ("I'm sorry") is the safest and best thing to do to help you.
Author Raderick Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 Well, there are several reasons. For one, people don't know what you want when something is wrong (unless they know you well). I mean, some people don't want a lot of questions when they're upset, or even to talk about it, but other people do. It's hard to know what to do. It's precarious. For another, people feel helpless sometimes when someone else is hurting. I know I do. I teach preschool-aged children right now, amongst others, and when these little kids start to cry, I just feel powerless. I mean, I comfort them and think I'm pretty good about it, but it's similar to how I feel with grown folks, only magnified by the fact that I have to do something beyond just say, "I'm sorry," and that's still a big part of what I do. (In fact, my kids will ask, "Why do you say you're sorry? It's not your fault/You didn't do anything" because I utter the phrase so much in that context, to which I tell them: "Sorry also just means sad for someone, so when you're sad, I'm sad for you, because I love and care about you." Which is true of how I feel when I say this to the kids or people I love when they're sad.) Unless you've given clear signals on how to help you, some people feel expressing their sympathy ("I'm sorry") is the safest and best thing to do to help you. I don't know, I just feel like being more proactive is the best approach rather than being reactive and deal with any potential consequences later (a friend committed suicide because the warning signs were there that she was in dire need for someone to talk to, she tried to talk to people, but she too got the same "I'm sorry" excuses. I was in no position to help because I was on a camping trip at the time when everything went down). Even an "I don't want to talk about it" lets me say that I at least tried. I just see "I'm sorry" as an excuse to say "I don't want to hear about your issue".
zengirl Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I don't know, I just feel like being more proactive is the best approach rather than being reactive and deal with any potential consequences later (a friend committed suicide because the warning signs were there that she was in dire need for someone to talk to, she tried to talk to people, but she too got the same "I'm sorry" excuses. I was in no position to help because I was on a camping trip at the time when everything went down). Even an "I don't want to talk about it" lets me say that I at least tried. I just see "I'm sorry" as an excuse to say "I don't want to hear about your issue". Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. In general, I agree with you about what's best, and do try to feel out if someone wants to talk about something. . . but I like to think I'm pretty adept at basic "counseling" (I'm not licensed, but I am trained in certain situations, and I volunteered with centers that counseled teens, children, and even some adults). Most people aren't, and they've just no idea what to do. It's not that they're all uncaring. They're just lost.
blueyedgrl85 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I think that some people may not want to push any boundaries and invade someone's personal space by asking too many questions. Even if you can tell that someone is upset/going through something, some don't like to be so transparent and have their problems exposed. I'm like you where I try to find out what is wrong or going on and how I can help. (At the end of the day I'd like to know that I tried.) But sometimes unless the person comes specifically to you for help, there is not much else to say or do unfortunately.
TaraMaiden Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Have you read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?" Some of it is bull, but a couple of points it makes are quite lucid and spot-on. Most women are supportive empathisers, most men are proactive problem-solvers. Tell a woman your problems and she will be a stupendous sounding board to bounce recovery ideas off of.... Tell a man your problems and he will propose tactics and techniques you could actively implement in order to resolve the situation. In a nutshell.
Trimmer Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Have you read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?" Some of it is bull, but a couple of points it makes are quite lucid and spot-on. Most women are supportive empathisers, most men are proactive problem-solvers. Tell a woman your problems and she will be a stupendous sounding board to bounce recovery ideas off of.... Tell a man your problems and he will propose tactics and techniques you could actively implement in order to resolve the situation. In a nutshell. Agree. It actually caused friction at one point in my marriage that I was acting too much the "problem solver" in these types of situations - basically, I was told pretty directly that what she needed was for me to listen and empathize, but that my questioning and probing and suggestions were interfering with what she needed from me... Kinda like I was taking over the problem by doing that, and she didn't need or want that, she just needed to unload. It's never as simple as it seems...
Eeyore79 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Most women are supportive empathisers, most men are proactive problem-solvers. Tell a woman your problems and she will be a stupendous sounding board to bounce recovery ideas off of.... Tell a man your problems and he will propose tactics and techniques you could actively implement in order to resolve the situation. This is exactly right. I'm a woman, and when I moan about something I want empathy, not solutions... or at the very least, I want empathy now and solutions later when I feel better.
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