We keep crossing paths

[spiderowl]

Not sure what category to put this in - it's an odd problem. But I would appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

 

Some time ago, year/18 months?, got friendly with this guy. He was flirting a lot but had split with a long-term girlfriend and was still upset about the split. We met up a few times as friends. I really felt this guy was flirting and practically chasing me though he wasn't ready for a relationship. He phoned, texted, emailed, wanted to meet, seemed to want a lot of contact. I'm not used to this from just 'friends' but it was fun. We met up and all seemed well until one occasion when I felt he behaved in a way I felt was pretty inconsiderate. It turned out to be a quirk of his that others commented on too. In all other respects, he was a gentleman, kind and generous. But for me this was not something I could put up with in a romantic relationship with a guy and even as just friends I felt it was pretty thoughtless.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I commented on this and he pretty much said he would only change it if in a long-term relationship and that we were just friends. We were, of course, but I've got to say I felt very confused and hurt by this. He stopped emailing and texting and seemed very offended I'd said anything. So, I thought it was a shame it had gone the way it had, especially since in many other ways we were very good for each other. I did try to talk to him about it but he was brusque and obviously not interested in resolving it. It was sad but I had to write him off.

 

So, here we are now, some time later and our paths still cross. We've gone from chatting as friends, to being in the same place but only greeting each other, to going out with a group and being friendly but still wary. But this is what I don't understand. He still flirts! It's almost as if he'd want to pursue it and then we both back off as we get wary of each other again. Nothing is said about this at the time, but we go our separate ways and leave it to fate as to whether we'll cross paths again.

 

Why is this still bugging me? I guess because all the signs I'm getting are that he's still wanting to spend time with me but then stops. I think we were both hurt by what happened but there's no way I could let him get away with what I felt was disrespectful behaviour. His explanation at the time was that he had no obligations to me as we were just friends.

 

I did like this guy and I find him attractive, but something seems unresolved somehow. I've chosen to leave it at that because I did try to talk to him and he shrugged it off. He's attractive to women and I guess he's used to being chased himself. If I felt he wasn't interested, it would be simple, forget, but I get the opposite impression. I know a bit about his background and it is a picture of loss of significant people at an early age and having to cope alone when most of us had parental support. I don't know if this is relevant.

 

Has anyone any idea what could be happening here? I'm loathe to take a risk and talk to him about 'us' because of what's happened. I feel I've done my bit. It seems such a shame that we're both stuck in this weird situation. If he's not interested, why the hell does he flirt and seem interested in me? He could just remain distant and cool instead. I saw him recently and the same thing happened and it's disturbed me yet again. Anyone got any suggestions to stop this happening other than avoiding him permanently, which is not easy as we share the same interests? Thanks.

Edited August 8, 2010 by spiderowl

[Don Ho]

Well Spiderowl, this isn't probably what you want to hear, "But he's really not that into you". You keep making excuses for him. My 70+ year old Dad told me this once when I was questioning what a woman was doing in a similar situation: "a woman is always ready". Get it? I think when someone meets the RIGHT person it works and when it's not the right person it doesn't.

 

That aside, I don't think he's that into you. Maybe he's attracted to you or thinks you're cool to hang with or likes the attention. BUT, sorry to say you just don't "do it" for him. Why does he keep coming around? Because he CAN. You let him and you make it clear you have little self-respect for his poor behavior towards you. You know, we always want the ones we can't have. Forget him and find one that WANTS you. Do not contact and cut ALL ties.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your reply, Don Ho. You may well be right as things certainly don't seem to be flowing but he was definitely pursuing me at first and was texting me every day with suggestions for places we could meet.

 

He doesn't keep coming around, we just cross paths at events where we share an interest. He behaved like a total gentleman when we met the other day, helping me with something, paying when I wasn't expecting him to and generally 'taking care' of me. This completely throws me when it happens because I don't expect it. I don't think that spending time in his company when he is treating me with respect is a sign that I don't have self-respect. I don't really understand why you'd think that.

 

Should I ignore him and avoid his company? That seems to be what you are saying. Actually, I'm pretty much tempted to do that because I feel so confused and pissed off that we are in this stalemate situation. He can't ask me out because my complaint was about something he did when we were out. Though he talks about upcoming events almost as if he wants to. I'm not going to suggest going out as I felt rejected by his attitude before, so we're stuck. It's pretty weird and I've never been in this sort of situation before. Relationships with men have always seemed more clear-cut than this.

[Don Ho]

I was trying to say that he will have no respect for you when you are always available to him and that it's difficult to feel attraction when you don't respect someone; i.e. they're "too easy" to get or have.

 

Not that any of that really matters because I still think he's not that into you. Sure he's a gentleman, "takes care" of you, is polite....but it's more like he just "runs into you" and acts nice. I think I have enough details of his actions (or lack thereof) to still say that "he's just not that into you". Whether he's is or not, you still have to look at the fact that he has problems.

 

Go NC. If you run into him socially be cordial, but that's it. Do not hang out with him. Some people are emotionally dysfunctional. And you're not Dr. Laura. You don't need a guy with problems that you can "fix" or make him better so he loves you .... I doubt it will ever happen. So. Avoid any future heartbreak with him and let it go. There are TONS of single, stable men in the world that would really WANT to be with you.

[spiderowl]

I think you're right, I should just be cordial and then go talk to someone else. I suppose I feel a bit guilty in some ways because when he was chasing me, I wasn't exactly responding with enthusiasm. I was a bit surprised by it all and felt I needed to 'keep things on an even keel' a bit so I didn't rush to respond and leap at opportunities to meet. It must have seemed like when I did go somewhere with him (albeit as a 'friend'), I commented on his behaviour negatively. I haven't really been very positive about him from the start so I think he was really in the dark about what I felt about him. I wasn't mean or anything, just not as enthusiastic at spending time with him as he was with me. The incident that upset me then sent things spiralling downwards. I know I'm not the only one to find this upsetting though.

 

Oh well, it just bugs me that it seemed as if we had so much in common and were having fun and then things went awry. Still haven't really figured out why. I think he wanted the company when it suited him but no hint of commitment. I think there was some kind of emotional problem too.

[spiderowl]

Any more thoughts anyone? I'd really like to hear what people think.

 

Thanks