I am an idiot

[joey66]

I sent her another email, two days ago. Because, as jwi71 pointed out a while ago - I was sure, this time it would be different. I was wrong. She hasn't responded. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

 

I know it's hard to believe, but I am generally considered to be an intelligent guy. But the truth is that I am an effing moron. Everybody except me seems to understand that she doesn't really want to be with me.

[Brokenlady]

Joey,

you're not a moron. your worth isn't subject to her actions. whether she responds or gets hit by a bus tomorrow, it says nothing about you or how good of a person you are.

[breaking_bad]

Well I've been through this exact same thing, and you just want to scream. Seriously.

 

What did the email say? Like what's your status? Sorry if you said and I missed it.

 

I think my darkest days were trying to get him to open up and talk about the truth of what was happening, and he was just silent. It's really frustrating and devastating.

 

Just hang in there, and you are not a moron, and if you are, consider yourself surrounded in solidarity I think you're just human. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[White Flower]

I sent her another email, two days ago. Because, as jwi71 pointed out a while ago - I was sure, this time it would be different. I was wrong. She hasn't responded. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

 

I know it's hard to believe, but I am generally considered to be an intelligent guy. But the truth is that I am an effing moron. Everybody except me seems to understand that she doesn't really want to be with me.

You're not an idiot, just a man in love. You put your heart out there, took a risk on rejection, and that took guts Joey. Just because she didn't respond (rejection) doesn't mean you're an idiot.

 

Joey, what do you think she is thinking?

 

I'll be MW: 'Hmmm, I wonder if he just wants an A again (sex). Never!'

 

or

 

'Hmmm, I wonder if I ignore him he'll finally email me and say he's got D documents ready to sign'. Hmm.

 

or

 

'I'll make him wait good and long before I answer him'.

 

What do you think she is thinking/wanting from you? What did your email say?

[Fieldsofgold]

I sent her another email, two days ago. Because, as jwi71 pointed out a while ago - I was sure, this time it would be different. I was wrong. She hasn't responded. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

 

I know it's hard to believe, but I am generally considered to be an intelligent guy. But the truth is that I am an effing moron. Everybody except me seems to understand that she doesn't really want to be with me.

 

No, you are not an effing moron. There are a lot of truths here that you are overlooking, but that is not among them.

 

What you are not seeing clearly at this time is that, IF-and-or-when the FoG lifts, and you see her clearly, truthfully, and in full reality, you will realize it is YOU who does not want to be with her.

 

Trust me on this.

 

FoG

[Fallen Angel]

I sent her another email, two days ago. Because, as jwi71 pointed out a while ago - I was sure, this time it would be different. I was wrong. She hasn't responded. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

 

I know it's hard to believe, but I am generally considered to be an intelligent guy. But the truth is that I am an effing moron. Everybody except me seems to understand that she doesn't really want to be with me.

 

Joey,

 

My guess is she sees no point in continuing in a relationship that is emotionally scarring you both when there is no future in it. You have said over and over that you will never leave your wife. You say that she is unwilling to leave her husband. If neither of you have plans to EVER leave, then really what is the point if it all?

 

To a woman's mind being in a relationship is about building on a future. Even if that future is to be postponed for a few years while you both end your marriages and tie up all the loose ends, but if there is never going to be a future, then a woman has no reason to invest her time and more importantly her emotional energy on that relationship. So she cut her losses.

 

I know it hurts, I can feel your pain in your posts, but the truth is, you are unwilling to do anything to change the dynamic of your relationship with her, and she is unwilling to remain stagnant. If you choose to hop down off your fence, you might get a different reaction from her, but as long as you are sitting on that fence rail, she is going to keep moving down the lane.

 

((hugs))

[White Flower]

Joey,

 

My guess is she sees no point in continuing in a relationship that is emotionally scarring you both when there is no future in it. You have said over and over that you will never leave your wife. You say that she is unwilling to leave her husband. If neither of you have plans to EVER leave, then really what is the point if it all?

 

To a woman's mind being in a relationship is about building on a future. Even if that future is to be postponed for a few years while you both end your marriages and tie up all the loose ends, but if there is never going to be a future, then a woman has no reason to invest her time and more importantly her emotional energy on that relationship. So she cut her losses.

 

I know it hurts, I can feel your pain in your posts, but the truth is, you are unwilling to do anything to change the dynamic of your relationship with her, and she is unwilling to remain stagnant. If you choose to hop down off your fence, you might get a different reaction from her, but as long as you are sitting on that fence rail, she is going to keep moving down the lane.

 

((hugs))

Excellent post FA.

[Fieldsofgold]

I really think that she just likes the power of being able to toy with your emotions and yank your chain. It's an ego trip for her.

 

If it were otherwise, she would tell you what she wants from you. If she were a kind and loving person who cared about you, she would talk to you, explain things. And she wouldn't try to look particularly fetching when she knows she's going to see you.

 

No, she is a selfish b*tch who enjoys knowing she can yank your chain.

 

When you see her for who/what she really is, you won't want her.

Edited August 8, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[jennie-jennie]

I really think that she just likes the power of being able to toy with your emotions and yank your chain. It's an ego trip for her.

 

If it were otherwise, she would tell you what she wants from you. If she were a kind and loving person who cared about you, she would talk to you, explain things. And she wouldn't try to look particularly fetching when she knows she's going to see you.

 

No, she is a selfish b*tch who enjoys knowing she can yank your chain.

 

When you see her for who/what she really is, you won't want her.

 

I don't know about the bolded part. A woman likes to look good when she thinks she is going to get male attention, whether she is interested in a relationship or not.

[cavedweller]

joey,

 

Am I right here?--You are not going to divorce your wife and she is not going to divorce her husband.

 

So, there is not much of a future for the two of you..

 

What am I missing in this story?

[WalkInThePark]

Did the two of you actually talk about "We are going to end this relationship"? Or did it just stop without any explanation. Now in the latter case I can understand that it hurts and that it is difficult to move on. Sometimes people stop a relationship just like that, without any explanation. This happened to me several times and it is extremely painful and it keeps haunting you.

I think that dumpers owe the dumpee an explanation but sometimes they don't give it.

 

If I would know what can stop your pain, I would tell you but unfortunately I don't know. Time, a lot of time seems to be the only thing which does the trick...

[Ellin]

Joey,

 

My guess is she sees no point in continuing in a relationship that is emotionally scarring you both when there is no future in it. You have said over and over that you will never leave your wife. You say that she is unwilling to leave her husband. If neither of you have plans to EVER leave, then really what is the point if it all?

 

To a woman's mind being in a relationship is about building on a future. Even if that future is to be postponed for a few years while you both end your marriages and tie up all the loose ends, but if there is never going to be a future, then a woman has no reason to invest her time and more importantly her emotional energy on that relationship. So she cut her losses.

 

I know it hurts, I can feel your pain in your posts, but the truth is, you are unwilling to do anything to change the dynamic of your relationship with her, and she is unwilling to remain stagnant. If you choose to hop down off your fence, you might get a different reaction from her, but as long as you are sitting on that fence rail, she is going to keep moving down the lane.

 

((hugs))

I agree with that.

 

But, Joey, whatever the reason for her not to respond, it doesn't make you an idiot. We've all been there and done it. You followed your heart, you tried, it didn't work - oh, well, life goes on. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

 

And it doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings for you. She might as well have them but knows that there is no future, isn't that right? It hurts to love someone and have no future with them.

[Silly_Girl]

But, Joey, whatever the reason for her not to respond, it doesn't make you an idiot. We've all been there and done it. You followed your heart, you tried, it didn't work - oh, well, life goes on. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

 

I agree. I hate people who play mind games and reach out to test things or as part of a tactic. However, I think that when we follow our heart, with true and pure intentions, then we can never 'fail' as such. We just need to learn from that (that's the important bit) and not get stuck in a cycle.

 

You're not an idiot... but you will be if you let yourself stay in this emotional rut and do nothing but sit and rot. More than just your happiness rides on how you deal with things now

[secretlady76]

I sent her another email, two days ago. Because, as jwi71 pointed out a while ago - I was sure, this time it would be different. I was wrong. She hasn't responded. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

 

I know it's hard to believe, but I am generally considered to be an intelligent guy. But the truth is that I am an effing moron. Everybody except me seems to understand that she doesn't really want to be with me.

 

You hadn't seen her for 6 weeks and you were doing well, then 'bam' you saw her again and she looked good (for you of course!), she was VERY friendly, asked about your family, whatever it was, there was something; a look, what she said, how she looked at you, the way she smiled, the way she dressed blah blah blah, you could read into it enough to convince yourself that she wanted you to contact her and that she would respond. Funnily enough she didn't, although I'm sure she knew full well that once she'd fussed round you enough that you would email her and she wouldn't reply, it gave her an ego trip though which was what she was probably after all along.

 

..and I bet you now feel even worse than you did when you hadn't seen her for 6 weeks. She feels great, you feel like crap.

 

She sounds like the female version of my former 'problem'. Once you get her out of your life the better. She's sucking the life blood out of you, making you go mental. If you can't get her out of your life, simply DO NOT entertain her. Ignore her, she'll hate it (good) but you'll get your power, life and self esteem back. I know how tough it is, trust me on that, but she is doing you no good at all. Don't allow yourself to be treated this way.

[Myowntwofeet]

Joey,

 

I think you have been given a lot of great advice and more important support...if I had a nickle for every "slip up"....yeah.

 

Here is the thing,

 

She may be confused

 

She may be hurt and trying to move on since you are clearly not leaving your wife

 

She may be contemplating how to handle it...some people don't necessarily respond right away ( Tough one for me to learn)

 

She may OK with how things are

 

She may be having fun, i.e. Powertrip ( somehow, being on the otherside- I doubt this one) but some prefer to think of the evil doings/traits rather than seeing a more human side.

 

Regardless, the point I am trying to make - Only she knows and unless she decides to share her feelings, there is little if anything you can do.

 

Can I ask you something?

 

If she responded, what would your next step be? Do you want to rekindle the Affair, are you looking for closure or are you looking to discuss the relationship and your departure from your wife?

 

Mainly - What do you want/expect to happen? This speaks as much about your confusion staying in your marriage as it does about your AP.

 

Are you really being fair to your wife when deep down you will never be as content? Is it really fair to her to be compared to another?

 

just my 2cents

[joey66]

First and foremost, thank you. I mean that more than you can know.

 

@bb - The email was entirely innocent. I asked if she was ready for the end of summer. I commented on her tan. Two sentences is all. I didn't ask if she missed me, or if she wanted to get coffee, or if she wanted to run away together, or if she wanted to tie me down and use the leather barber's strap, or anything.

 

@WF - I have no idea what she is thinking. I probably never have. Before the six week hiatus, we hadn't REALLY spoken in three months anyway. Then she comes back and wants to talk. I thought, obviously incorrectly, that maybe she missed me.

 

@FA - I hear what you are saying about building a future. She and I both have established lives and we both have a lot to lose. She doesn't want to give up what she has. But the attraction between us is palpable. Maybe the answer to WF's question about what is she thinking is that she feels the same way I do, but she cannot let herself become involved again. Not because she wants for us to end our Ms and be together, but exactly because she knows that isn't one of the choices. So maybe it's easiest for her to not respond to me. Which is what your were saying? But that doesn't explain why she's all friendly one day and distant the next.

 

@FoG - You are not the first to suggest to me that I am being played. That she likes the attention, likes the fact that I am in love with her. I suppose that is possible, but I just cannot bring myself to believe that. If she were that sort of monster, I don't think that I would be in love with her.

 

@cavedweller - There was never any discussion about ending our Ms. It just isn't practical.

 

@WITP - No, we never had the "we are going to end it" talk. She just went cold on me one day. It's so frustrating!

 

@SL - The problem is, I cannot get her out of my life. She gets to decide if and or when we see one another. And when we do, she gets to decide whether we have one-on-one contact. I thought for sure I was over it. The six weeks without her left me feeling much better. I told her once, near the end, that the only way I would ever get over it was for her to tell me, point blank, that she wasn't interested; that she wasn't attracted to me and never would be. I made it clear - just tell me to stop pursuing you and I will. But she won't tell me that. She comes around all chatty and then goes cold. And then the cycle repeats. More times than I care to admit.

 

I know that, whether she is playing me or not, the problem is with me. If she is playing me, then I need to stop allowing it. If she's not, then I need to get over it. Either way, the issue is mine.

 

Thanks so much to everyone.

[White Flower]

First and foremost, thank you. I mean that more than you can know.

 

@bb - The email was entirely innocent. I asked if she was ready for the end of summer. I commented on her tan. Two sentences is all. I didn't ask if she missed me, or if she wanted to get coffee, or if she wanted to run away together, or if she wanted to tie me down and use the leather barber's strap, or anything.

 

@WF - I have no idea what she is thinking. I probably never have. Before the six week hiatus, we hadn't REALLY spoken in three months anyway. Then she comes back and wants to talk. I thought, obviously incorrectly, that maybe she missed me.

 

@FA - I hear what you are saying about building a future. She and I both have established lives and we both have a lot to lose. She doesn't want to give up what she has. But the attraction between us is palpable. Maybe the answer to WF's question about what is she thinking is that she feels the same way I do, but she cannot let herself become involved again. Not because she wants for us to end our Ms and be together, but exactly because she knows that isn't one of the choices. So maybe it's easiest for her to not respond to me. Which is what your were saying? But that doesn't explain why she's all friendly one day and distant the next.

 

@FoG - You are not the first to suggest to me that I am being played. That she likes the attention, likes the fact that I am in love with her. I suppose that is possible, but I just cannot bring myself to believe that. If she were that sort of monster, I don't think that I would be in love with her.

 

@cavedweller - There was never any discussion about ending our Ms. It just isn't practical.

 

@WITP - No, we never had the "we are going to end it" talk. She just went cold on me one day. It's so frustrating!

 

@SL - The problem is, I cannot get her out of my life. She gets to decide if and or when we see one another. And when we do, she gets to decide whether we have one-on-one contact. I thought for sure I was over it. The six weeks without her left me feeling much better. I told her once, near the end, that the only way I would ever get over it was for her to tell me, point blank, that she wasn't interested; that she wasn't attracted to me and never would be. I made it clear - just tell me to stop pursuing you and I will. But she won't tell me that. She comes around all chatty and then goes cold. And then the cycle repeats. More times than I care to admit.

 

I know that, whether she is playing me or not, the problem is with me. If she is playing me, then I need to stop allowing it. If she's not, then I need to get over it. Either way, the issue is mine.

 

Thanks so much to everyone.

Joey,

 

 

It sounds to me that you'd be perfectly happy having your cake and eating it too. Maybe it started out that way for her, but it hasn't ended that way (for her). Clearly, she wants all or nothing.

 

She won't tell you that because deep down she wants you. She just won't go the extra step and ask you to D for her. Her actions are speaking for her right now, not her words.

 

My problem was similar to hers. Eventually, I knew my love for MM was going to outweigh my duty to my exH. I had to get out no matter what because even if I left MM and 'tried' again with my exH, there were just way too many problems to overcome. Plus, once I had loved that deeply (with MM), I could never go back to something so shallow.

 

When are you going to take a risk on true love Joey? When are you going to come out of your comfort zone and be that man (all to herself) she wants you to be?

 

Either D and be hers and hers alone, or let her go and find another AP that won't get under your skin as deeply as hers does.

 

I'm not being mean, just calling it as I see it. I really hope you get what you want.

 

ps

Since when was love practical?

Edited August 8, 2010 by White Flower
adding PS