How can you tell if you are rebounding or just moving on in a healthy way?..LONG

[Ophelia11]

I am so confused about what constitutes a rebound relationship versus just getting damn lucky...

 

I filed for divorce from stbx in February 2nd. I found out about his infidelity by a trail he left on the computer. (He performed oral sex on a man through a hole in a wall in a sex shop, thought he had contracted a disease, etc.) Even when I confronted him with evidence he lied, but eventually gave in when I demanded a polygraph. He has a solid history of lying and also there was some domestic abuse over the course of 10 years of marriage,including an assault some years ago which resulted in me getting plastic surgery on my face. When he learned that I had filed for divorce (I filed within a week of learning what he did), he abused me, and nearly strangled me in front of my three children, ages 3,4,6. At that point, I felt empowered enough and made up my mind that our marriage was absolutely over. There could be no resolution.

 

Over the previous year, I had become very focused on fitness and nutrition. I begun weightlifting and had transformed my body from having three kids in three years to being a very fit and muscular mom. When he left , I was already feeling confident about myself physically and also felt emotionally fit. I was always loyal in my marriage, never flirted or anything like that. Never even lifted my eyes at the gym. However, there was one guy at the gym who had caught my eye. We will call him Jake. I had dismissed it completely (thought of him more as a fantasy,) as I was committed to my marriage 100% regardless of how crappy it was.

 

 

For a short while after filing, I was in crisis mode. I somewhat grieved for the loss of my stable home life, I was angry at what he did to us, and scared about my future. I never cried about my situation or him. I felt strong and smart, and knew I had put up with too much for too long.

 

Mid March I start spotting Jake at the gym, after a long dry spell of him and I not being there at the same time. I am not so afraid now to look at him now. I realize he is noticing me too. I approach him --totally out of character for me-- and we start talking. He is 28 (never married/no children) and I am 35. A week later we exchange numbers and by the end of the week, I ask him if he wants to hang out. He does and takes me out to dinner that weekend. We come back to my house, have a few drinks and have sex three times. It is incredible. He stays the night. We repeat these weekend hook-ups (while my kids are with stbx) for several weeks--through May. I tell him I just want to have fun.....On the weekends, we pretty much spend all of our time together--either in bed, eating, or working out. We talk and text here and there during the week. We are both very open with each other, but we are both skeptical of a relationship...mostly because of my situation w/stbx and the fear of one of us getting hurt. Also, he would someday like to have a family and I cannot have more kids without fertility treatments and I have three already. We've talked about this, and as it is important to him, he says he likes me so it may not be in the cards for him.....that time will tell.

 

Mid June, I finally introduce Jake to my kids. He is helpful and open to being with them. This gives way to letting him in. By July he is coming over often for dinner and doing things with me and the kids like going to the beach, the museum, etc. He is jumping right into my life. He is active in disciplining them. Not spanking, but telling them to go to time-out, etc. and helping me with bedtime and dinner, and pretty much everything else. While this seems like it should feel awkward since he isn't their dad, I appreciate his help and partnership. My stbx never was on the same page as me with parenting, and as a result, my kids have been a handful behavior-wise. Having someone to back me, or even take over at times has been refreshing and I see a marked improvement in my kids behavior.

 

Aside from this, there are so many things I really like about Jake. First, I am wildly attracted to him. Our sex life is fantastic! We share the same lifestyle when it comes to diet and exercise. He has very similar religious views as I do. He has great work ethics and similar views about money. He is thoughtful, smart, and practical. He is very sweet and affectionate. Although he is not perfect--in a lot of ways he seems perfect for me. In many ways he is very different if not the opposite of my stbx. We haven't said that we love each other and we do not talk extensively about the future, although I have a feeling he thinks his may involve me.

 

It has now been six months since my stbx left the home, and I am in this relationship that seems like it is pretty serious. Jake sleeps over regularly. We grocery shop together, talk several times throughout the day. My kids do not know he sleeps over as he is gone before they wake. My family and friends, and even the counselor I regularly see, have all cautioned me about moving too quickly and not being ready for another relationship, but I feel like I have been very open to "seeing where this goes" and now here I am almost five months later with a boyfriend who I am crazy about (and it seems mutual).

 

I was with my ex since I was 19. When he left, I couldn't even think about dating or seeing anyone until I started talking to Jake. Once I started dating Jake (or just hooking up as it seemed at first, lol), I also went out with a few other guys and talked/texted with a few others as well. I didn't really feel anything for any of them, all I could think of during that time was Jake. I do not want to feel like a person who needs a man. I am attractive and educated, I have a good career I am getting ready to return to, and don't want to settle again like I had with my ex. But I do not feel like I am. I do not really care so much as to what others think, but I what to be smart when it comes to love.

 

I want to take the attitude that I am so lucky and blessed to have found someone so perfect for me. I am so thankful to have someone I enjoy to spend time, have sex with, eat dinner with, snuggle and cuddle with, etc.

But for some reason, I am just having a hard time letting down the guard and feeling confident in doing so.

 

I know I have written a book here, but I am not experienced in dating at all really, and I am curious to find out whether others perceive this as this as a rebound or something just meant to be. I am scared to invest any more emotions that I have at this point, and frankly that fact that I am this far in scares the crap out of me. I only what to be scared if I have good reason, not because I am harboring a bunch of past relationship baggage.

Edited August 7, 2010 by Ophelia11

[Sabali]

I don't know what it is about me and these incredibly long posts but I just mean to read a couple of sentences and then next thing I know I am at the bottom. It is ok because your post is relatively written well, thorough, and concise as it can be considering the story.

 

I have been in a similar role as Jake before. More than once, actually. I like kids so they are never a problem for me. I believe that your case is exceptional considering what you have went through. That story sounds quite familiar. Considering your case, I think the most important thing is that you do move on. Don't worry about rebound. I just wouldn't move on too fast. At this point, Jake is disciplining the kids and sleeping over at night and this is probably too fast after coming through such an abusive marriage that involves kids. This has made your relationship with Jake an even more very delicate situation.

 

Jakes sounds like he has the best intentions but if he screws up somehow, his flaws will be multiplied and your faith in men will dramatically decrease and be compounded by your failed marriage. You may feel that you are getting past this but you are still dealing with the emotional repercussions of your past relationship and Jake is too whether you know it or not.

 

I think it is important that you move this thing with Jake very slow. It has already moved too fast and it will be hard to take your foot of the accelerator at this point, I definitely would not allow this to go any faster. I wouldn't speak of marriage and moving in any time soon. He wants to be there for you and help. Let him do this but you don't want to set yourself up to a point that you may recreate a similar setup as your past relationship. Don't hand him too much control! Sounds like you just got out of that situation.

 

Listen to your friends and family and consider what they have to say but do not live by their desires. People are good about telling who to date and when to date them. You will sit around lonely while they hold hands with their significant other, smiling and laughing but at the end of the day, your choices must be wise.

 

Always try hard to make wise choices regarding the kids. Since there are kids involved here the dynamics are extreme. Jake is disciplining the kids now so it will be hard to backtrack on this without some sour notes but you have to draw a line for now. Your kids are no longer with their father and this new guy is around giving them timeouts and who knows how long he will be around. Try to limit his time with the kids for now. The relationship should be even slower with the kids. You don't want them to be in a situation where someone else may be disciplining them by Christmas.

 

Again, don't worry about rebound for now. Be more concerned with moving on, healing, and not looking back. As long as you and Jake are being good and respectful to each other I wouldn't worry about the rebound concept here. Just take it slow! Even if you and jake are not together a year from now and you start dating someone a few months from now, it is always a good idea to take it slow.

 

My concern is that if you cast Jake to the side, and just stuck to stew around with thoughts of your ex, you could find yourself right back with him. I see this all of the time. You don't think it could happen but let the father of your children start talking about being a family again and doing right and women get weak in the knees. Kids changes the dynamics dramatically.

Edited August 7, 2010 by Sabali

[Ophelia11]

Sabali, thank you so much for your response. I am truly trying to work through my thoughts, feelings and actions, and you have offered sound advice. I appreciate it.

[Sabali]

Sabali, thank you so much for your response. I am truly trying to work through my thoughts, feelings and actions, and you have offered sound advice. I appreciate it.

 

Anytime, Ophelia. I wish you the best.

[You Go Girl]

You have to stay guarded and not let this relationship involve Jake becoming a father figure.

I'll tell you why.

What if something goes wrong with Jake. Ooops! Then you will have to go through the divorce, the career change wakeup or renewal, and the break-up with Jake.

Imagine all that on your plate at the same time. Not a pretty picture, huh?

But it gets worse. What if you do breakup with Jake. Now your kids are forming an attachment and they also have to go through losing their father around all the time, and losing Jake too. Isn't going to give them much stability, is it? They need Mom to be a complete ROCK of Gibralter during this time in their lives. Mom won't be that if she is trying to re-enter her career field, suffering through a divorce, and suffering from a breakup with a bf simultaneously, will she?

See why you can't be too vulnerable?

Get back into your career, and then, later after you have adjusted to that, you will know where to proceed with Jake. The children issue is no small issue either--you having more children is a HUGE ISSUE.

You also need counseling to consider the type of men you pick, that you don't repeat an abuser as a choice in men. Sure Jake isn't showing signs of that at this point. I bet your H didn't early on in the relationship either, did he?!

Just trying to help you look out for you and your children, sorry if it seems negative.