Something i'd like to share.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I'm sharing this because its something i've recently learned, and something i've long agonised over. I know that every situation and every relationship is different; not EVERY ex intended to intentionally hurt us and draw out our post-relationship suffering, but for the rest of us who no longer trust the motivations of our ex, I think maybe this will help, although of course sometimes we can only learn by making the mistake and taking the risk ourselves, so if you feel the need to do that, don't regret it, sometimes we learn more, and quicker that way! At least I know thats true in my case.

 

Sounding a bit vague?

 

Well for a long time I thought that only my ex could give me the answers. Like an old Madonna song goes, 'only the one that inflicts the pain can take it away.'

 

For me it wasn't pain that I was holding onto, but confusion. My ex left me with so many random answers, lies, false hopes, doubts, so much anger, sadness, so many contradictions, that it took me a long time to process all of his mental and emotional imput and make sense of it in a way that enabled me to move on.

 

He was never straightforward nor honest, and so I took all of his sh** and tried to sift through it to UNDERSTAND, which is I think what we all try to do. We are human beings and we look for meaning because if something makes sense we can accept it and let it go. But many exes do NOT explain what they feel or think, they don't make sense, they don't speak maturely or honestly, many exes lead us on, lie, make false promises, hide behind all kinds of 'friendly' approaches...without ever really telling us what they want from us and what they no longer want from us. They can be nice as pie until the day they have no further uses for us. Again i'd like to stress, this isn't all exes and some are amazing at letting us know its over and letting us go.

 

But if you're ex has left you confused, in doubt, completely bewildered and you want answers....if you already cannot trust your ex, if they've showed it in the way they broke up with you, they will NOT be the one to give you your answers.

 

I know because I broke NC to ask my ex something important to my closure and I got nothing back but rudeness as usual.

 

If you know your ex is untrustworthy, confusing or no longer the person you knew - don't go there.

 

If they wanted you to understand, you would. They'd have told you. The truth is they DON'T want you to understand because they feed off of our confusion; they know that our desire for answers and sense keeps us bound to them.

 

If you can learn to say it doesn't matter anymore, no matter what questions burn inside, you can be free of them.

 

But as I said, if you do end up confronting or asking them, and get nothing, don't regret it. I've broken NC for answers and I didn't get any, but I don't regret it, because its shown me that he can't or won't give me the only thing I ask for, and also its shown me how much more mature I am and how I deserve someone who could at least offer the decency to have let the breakup be clean so that my mental and emotional stability could be reserved for my next relationship. Instead many of us have exes who care so little that they dump all of their issues on us and let us wander off lonely, confused and completely traumatised because they were too cowardly or cruel to just be honest and tell us where we stood.

 

Don't regret turning them to them for answers for your peace of mind, but realise that your ex may never give you what you are looking for. If you must ask them, make sure you have no expectations and are prepared for the worst. Otherwise, remember to be strong and continue with NC, because only through NO contact, can they have NO hold over us.

 

Good luck to everybody We all deserve much more.

Edited August 7, 2010 by Nikki Sahagin

[cavedweller]

A good post...

 

You are right---99% of the time breaking NC is the wrong move..

 

An ex is an ex for a reason........................................

[TaraMaiden]

When you have anger, resentment and antipathy towards someone, you cling to them in exactly the same way as if you loved them.

The opposite to 'Love' is not 'Hate'.

 

The opposite to 'Love' is 'Indifference'.

 

Strive to become indifferent.

[cavedweller]

No Contact is just that No Contact.

 

You can't move on if you keep looking back.