Elefant.Fight Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I finally realized that holding on to the possible hope and hints that I recieve from my ex about reconciliation were dumb, and instead... just to let her go. I was on the phone with her for a bit and I told her that it was best we say goodbye. I felt like she needed a fresh start and I did too. So, we should just end all communication and move on. She became INFURIATED. Saying "You said you loved me. You said you cared. I'm not saying goodbye to you. I'm coming to see you tomorrow." I told her not to come to a performance I had, and to just end things in a good way. So, I told her I loved her. She wouldn't say it back and she said she wasn't saying goodbye because she couldn't. We even fought over our initial break up. Which was kind of my fault because of my insecurities... but she gave me the "we would have still been togther if..." speech. Ugh. Anyway, I told her I loved her and this was for the best. She was pissed. And now... I wonder if I have made a mistake? We could have been on the road to reconcilliation. But she is such an enigma now, I just can't figure her out. I'm so confused. I appreciate all help in advance.
EthanH Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 (edited) What do you think you are going to gain by posting on here? I'm going to be blunt, because I think you need someone to tell you things straight. You are the only one who knows what you should do. You both seem to be acting immaturely... but you don't seem to understand what happens when you break up with someone... almost like you are bemused that she would still like you!!... she hasn't changed her mind, she still likes you... so do yourself BOTH a favour and make your mind up what you are going to do, and STICK TO IT... she deserves you to be straight with her, to not mess you around. If you don't want to be with her, tell her, and then stay away from her, let her get over you. If you do like her still, and decide you want to give it a go, stop messing her around. But it is all about you making your mind up, and sticking to it. No one on here can tell you what to do as only you know how you feel. oh and also, if you do really think it is over for you, DON'T tell her you still love her!!!!!!!!!... stop for a second and think how much harder that makes things for her! All it is going to is confuse her even more and give her some false hope. You even admit that the break-up was due to YOUR insecurities... and yet rather than just dealing with that, you want to push her away. Pull yourself together and think about things, and make a decision. Edited August 7, 2010 by EthanH
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 You were not on the road to reconciliation. You were well down the path of 'back burner-dom'. She can't give you what you need and want from her. She is offering you far less than that, and it is up to you to stop settling for that.
Author Elefant.Fight Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 Woah! Wait a second. I meant... I am the dumpee. She dumped ME. I definitely said that backwards. She left ME heartbroken because I was insecure. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. NOW do you understand what's going on. She has already told me a while ago that she wants to be with me more than anything. But she just can't because of well... everything. I hope that sheds new light.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 She dumped you but she needs to keep you around with no real intention of reconciling. It is an all too common thing.
Username37 Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 So the dumpER told you not to leave her live? Sounds like my ex. She wants you in her life, but the chance of reconciliation is dead. Maybe she just wants to be friends. Don't be her friend.
carhill Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Sounds like a recipe for psycho-b!tch.... The interaction, if related accurately, IMO translates to 'I can't be alone and the other guy I had lined up is failing. I need you and the rest of the orbiters in place so I won't have to be alone' Change your e-mail and phone and go deep NC. Good luck
6609510 Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 In my opinion, this is all filed under "have your cake and eat it too". People want things on their terms, and selfish people don't worry about other people's terms. She hurt you - her terms are, at least for the short run, unimportant. Pretty much this exact same thing happened to me. My ex dumped me, and still wanted to be good friends. In fact, he wanted me to still go on the weekend trip we planned which was supposed to happen 2 weeks after he broke it off. The only difference is he wasn't angry with me, he was just disappointed. He couldn't seem to understand I needed time and space to move on properly. Smart dumpees take TIME to heal. They accept what's happened, grieve a bit, purposefully create space, fill the gap with other people, places and things, and move on as smoothly as possible. Walk away, and stay away. Avoid her like the plague for at least 6 months or more. Once you can get through at least a week without thinking about her unless someone else brings her up, you're almost there. Only good can come of this. It allows you to accept the transfer of power - you had no control of being dumped but you do have control of the after events. It allows you time to heal, which will facilitate a better friendship with her down the road if you so choose. . Lastly, if she really cares for you and "made a mistake" - she'll be there when you're done healing and if the fates see fit, that's when you can think about real reconciliation.
flyguy23 Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 My girl is doing the same thing. Basically told me she didnt want to date me anymore and thinks she isnt doing the right thing to stay with me. But then she cries and calls and texts me saying she doesnt know and she is confused but knows she loves me. She basically just wants me to stay around waiting for her. Some girls just suck
BigProc Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 My ex did the same after breakup. Saying she loved me but was scared to reconcile blah blah blah.She kept me on the line until someone came along to take my place, then she didn't want to know, ignoring my calls texts etc. I think as soon as your ex finds someone else you will be history. Don't boost her ego and be her doormat. Just ignore her and go nc.
Tayla Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 If maturity plays any part in how to gently break up...then Saying that you love someone is NOT the DEATH shot that some portray. I can absolutely deal with someone saying I love you...and mean it sincerely , while agreeing that breaking up and moving on is best . I have a hard time grasping folks who consider it an insult or an oxymoron.Its not if you can separate that one can love the person and still be reasonable enough to see that the relationship has met its demise.... Not a fan of rekindling things after the initial breakup....but I do think the poster is being honest and direct with the lady by asking her to respect his desire to not have contact after the final talk.
Author Elefant.Fight Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 What should I do about her "We would still be together if you had... " speech? I mean. She told me she wanted to be with me and my insecurities are the reason why we broke up. And she NEVER talks about our break up. Idk. It makes me feel like she wants to make up, but at the same time she is afraid. I don't know. I am so confused. I have gone no contact though and... I'm doing just fine. So, perhaps I should just leave it alone.
Chinook Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Let me tell you something, I've been here on LS for a few years now and if I had a penny for every single story which was like yours 'what if' and the dumper wanting to keep the dumpee around just in case they got lonely, I'd be a very very rich lady. What should you do...? You should walk. Simple as that. You should initiate what we here at LS call the 'no contact' rule. This is the only way that YOU will heal and move on. Trust me, been there, done it, wearing the t-shirt etc etc. As for her, she dumped you - she's lying when she says 'we would still be together if you... blablabla'. That's BS. She left. Period. When someone who you are dating/partnered with/cohabiting with/married to etc leaves you and ends the relationship, they sever a very special bond. No matter how frayed, frazzled and torn that bond may have been - it's still repairable before a break. At break-up, that's a severing. That's saying 'I do not need you, you are not included in my future, I see my future without you, all my dreams are mine and mine alone and do not include you anymore' etc etc etc. They cut you out of their lives. So... explain this to me... why would you want to stay around someone who can inflict that kind of pain and upset on your life...? Someone who claims to love you would not inflict that level of pain and damage upon you. Trust me, I know (I'm in a new relationship and no way no how, no matter how bad things got would I do that to my STBH). You... need to cut contact. You... need to heal. You... need to leave her behind. Simple as that. If she made a mistake, she will let you know and she wont mess you around. As it is at the moment, I don't think she cares. I think she's messing you around and keeping you around because the future is uncertain for her and whilst you're around to help keep her company, it makes starting out on your own easier. It's called 'cake and eat it' territory... where she doesn't want you, but she doesn't want you to move on either, just in case. If you're happy being 'back burner boy' well, then, good luck to you hon. Just sayin' .
Author Elefant.Fight Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 And that's the thing Chinook... I was truly the one that screwed up. Absolutely. My insecurities caused my attitude to change and just treat her so badly...it was awful. And she couldn't take it anymore and left me. Please believe... I'm not making excuses for her. I just know that I can't blame her completely. She never really hurt me after the break up. She included me in her life and even introduced me to her new friends, and she even made it clear that she hadn't been with anyone since our break up and I have also said the same. But we are still both defintely confused. And I have hurt her so badly by telling her goodbye. But I feel like I have no other options. It's just she feels like don't care about her, I don't love her... when it just isn't true. I know I can't convince her otherwise though. Perhaps she will see one day. Thanks so much though guys. Really.
carhill Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 So, tell me, how badly did you treat her? Be as specific as possible. I can tell you, from personal experience, that once a certain level of detachment occurs due to hurt, even if there is love, it's really hard to rebuild that in a healthy way.
Author Elefant.Fight Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 Carhill... maybe about 3 months into the relationship when everything was going perfect and we were happy. I realized how much she loved me and I didn't want to believe it because I didn't think it was possible. So, I pushed it to the limit. I told her I didn't want to be with her and that we would eventually end... I broke things off with her multiple times and she would cry and I would come right back. I never wanted to leave, but I was amazed at how much she loved me and how she always stuck by my side. I did this off and on for like two or tree months. Then one time it was one time too many and she moved on to someone else, I was torn up for two weeks. Calling her and begging her to come back to me. She finally did and we were doing great. And after a little over a year things started going sour again. And I became insecure and started treating her like crap because I was always in a bad mood. She told me to either get it together or she would leave. I obviously didn't do it in time. So see... it was my fault. In the beginning I certainly had a problem and I saw someone about it. I'm no longer like that. I' definitely different. But she doesn't want to put herself out there like that again and I can understand why. It's just... she trusts me enough to keep me so close to her and in her life. So, I felt like there was still hope.
carhill Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Thanks for that. Hopefully others can give you a methodology of recovery. I've never encountered that particular dynamic, so really can't help in any meaningful way. Assuming you've been honest with her about your mistakes and apologized, IMO, that's about all you can do. I'll now append my previous post to the recipe for psycho-b!tch was written within the relationship rather than within one person. I can see how those kind of push-pull behaviors can be crazy-making. She's apparently now fighting her emotional attachment. I recall a couple of years of that before my EA and it was some crazy times that I wouldn't want to repeat, but they came from a different dynamic so I really don't have advice on yours.
Chinook Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Given your extra information here, I'm gonna stick with my original advice. Maybe not for the same reason though. You've hurt this girl enough. She's tired and she's frazzled. You've pushed her, you've pulled her and now... really, all you are doing is letting her hang herself out and crucify herself for you. She's telling you it's over because she doesn't like you treating her the way you did... but at the same time, she loves you... so she doesn't really want to lose you. I can see that. I can understand it. But you know, all along, you have been the one pushing, pulling, damaging... now you've got her into doing it. My best advice is if you really don't think you guys will work it out, leave her alone. Just stop contacting her and let her heal and move on with her life. You... need to cut contact. You... need to heal. You... need to leave her behind.
Author Elefant.Fight Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 Given your extra information here, I'm gonna stick with my original advice. Maybe not for the same reason though. You've hurt this girl enough. She's tired and she's frazzled. You've pushed her, you've pulled her and now... really, all you are doing is letting her hang herself out and crucify herself for you. She's telling you it's over because she doesn't like you treating her the way you did... but at the same time, she loves you... so she doesn't really want to lose you. I can see that. I can understand it. But you know, all along, you have been the one pushing, pulling, damaging... now you've got her into doing it. My best advice is if you really don't think you guys will work it out, leave her alone. Just stop contacting her and let her heal and move on with her life. Chinook, you couldn't have hit the nail on the head any better. You are so right. I guess I am paying for my mistakes now. I regret them more than anything, but that just isn't enough. I have already let things go between her and I by saying goodbye and going NC. Unfortunately, it's just another thing I have done to hurt her, probably also making her feel like I'm still stuck in my old ways of being the one to hurt her. I just feel like I have no other options because I don't have time to sit around and try and figure her out. Thank you for all the support. I just want to make it through this.
spiderowl Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Obviously, what went before makes a big difference. It does sound like she gave up on you only after some pain (if what you are saying about your behaviour is true), but make sure you are not blaming yourself when it was both of you. Consider the possibility that you felt insecure because she was not as committed as you, but, that aside, behaving badly is not good regardless. It does sound as if she found your behaviour too much and hence the comment. If you were to retrieve this, she would have to be convinced it wouldn't happen again. Even if you could convince her you would change that, her feelings may have changed for good. She is saying the split is your fault, even though she dumped you. I suppose it's possible she still wants it to work, in which case a promise to change might be all that's needed to give you a second chance. But could you change that behaviour and would you want that second chance? I think you could suggest a second chance or nothing, not as an ultimatum but the only relationship you could cope with and see what she says. The alternatives are to stay friends (which you say you find hard), to give her up altogether and cut contact, or to drift away for a while to get over this and then become friends. It's understandable that you would feel you need a fresh start for the future. It's understandable that she, still liking you as a friend if not a romantic partner, would want you to stay in her life. Unfortunately, as you have split up, things have changed. I'm sure neither of you really wants to never see each other again, but you need to avoid the frustration and pain of being in contact with her and she needs to accept that 'rejected' lovers won't always want to stay friends. You don't 'owe' her continued connection, but there is always this paradox in that we do say we love and care for lovers and then when we decide they are not the right person for us, we apparently 'care' less. I know this is not the case, but it can seem like that to either party. You don't have to do what she wants. If cutting off is right for you, then allow yourself to do that. You have to recover and she should understand that.
Author Elefant.Fight Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Hey guys. I'm back. And well, I tried to contact my ex. But she ignored me. I actually think I did a little text terrorism. I sent her message after message apologizing. I even called many times and she rejected each one. I never should have left her or hurt her like I did. But it killed me to not even be friends but just "really special to each other". I wanted a relationship, she couldn't have one with me. Anyway, I've lost her all together because I thought saying goodbye would be the best decision. Well, now.. I'm hurting more than ever. And I don't know what to do. I realize I need to move on and I have the opprotunity to do this today. This new girl is amazing, I love talking to her, and hanging around her. But. I'm just not so sure. Will moving on help me get over my ex? And just so you guys know. My ex WILL contact me. It is only a matter of time. So should I just hold everything off until I can speek to her or what?
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