smk Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I know this is not good for me, I am working on myself, learning from my break up, however the one thing that really gets to me and drives me abso-f@()!#g-lutely mad is the thought of another guy sleeping with her, kissing her, touching her.... Most time I am pretty good at pushing the thought out of my mind, but somehow today I just can't seem to get that thought out... I know she went out last night (no I wasn't stalking) but she told me the other day when I met her that she was going out, and I can't seem to stop thinking that she may or may not have come home with some other guy, and slept with him on the bed we once shared and it's driving me ****ing nuts... As a general rule I have been trying to ride out the thoughts and emotions but I really don't want to ride this one out, I just can't seem to push it aside...
106rob Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 funny you should say that...i was thinking a simmerler thing,knew my ex was going to a party last night,and i know she is no stranger to one night stands espchally after a break up,she made it no secret its what she does to get over it basicly............. i suppose it could be difrent this time given it was her that ended the relationship i try not to think about it but i think iv already accepted in my mind its what she is upto anyway,it doesent realy bother me becuase they wont mean anything to her,but at the same time i think would it have an affect if we ever did get back together,would i imaine other guys with her etc etc i always felt uneasy in her uni room becuase i knew she had been with other people in there but put it to the back of my mind and thaught **** them shes chosen me to be with not them!
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Initially the thought of this drove me insane. So you know what I did? I imagined him with as many girls as possible, doing as many things as possible, until I became desensitised to the idea. Then finally, all I felt was a feeling of disgust. It actually helped me get over him to think of him like that because that wouldn't be someone i'd want to be with. It might not work for everyone, but I basically let the feeling of anger turn into one of disgust and then finally you just think 'meh who cares?'
Thierro Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Every time I see a couple kissing, touching each other and having sex, I think of my ex doing that to another man. I think we need to embrace that thought just like Nikki did. Pushing the thought out doesn’t help. We need to face them and deal with them.
LoveTruthChaos Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 My ex was screwing his new girl before he even left me, so I guess I got used to the idea pretty early on. Thing is, the thought of him touching me now makes me want to vomit. Although, I have always had asexual tendencies, so I guess they've kicked in. When I'm not in a relationship, I'm asexual. When I'm in one, I'm the most affectionate person I know. Might be a coping mechanism, but it works for me!
johnny_w Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I tell ya It's those kind of thoughts that made me want to hurl. It also spiked up my anxiety, boy did It ever the first night I went to bed after finding out she started going out with someone else straight away those anticipating thoughts drowned me until the point where I was trembling In my bed, afraid, sad and angry. Because there was NOTHING I could do to stop it. I guess embracing the Idea does help because It's human nature to get sick and tired of thinking about something you don't like. I know It's not a nice feeling It depletes your motivation to do anything. But I think after much boomeranging within my mind I realized Just one simple thing and I'll say this now, I realized the one thing I must do Is 'accept human nature' which allows us to perceive a clear reason to, let it go.
Author smk Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 (edited) I know I need to accept it and just ride it out and normally I manage to deal with it, but today its just driving me crazy, I just cannot stop thinking about someone elses hands on her and it's making me want to punch a wall... Wow this seems to be the worst crappiest feeling, she doesn't do one night stands or at least she hasn't in the last 3 years well that's what she told me, it completely freakin mad this thought... Johnny - yeah same thing here, it's actually making me feel physically sick, nauseous, and my anxiety has gone through the roof... Edited August 7, 2010 by smk
LoveTruthChaos Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 it's actually making me feel physically sick, nauseous, and my anxiety has gone through the roof... Oh God, the anxiety is the worst... If you keep up your NC as best you can, I promise you that the anxiety will wear off. Hey, at least these are only your thoughts. I had to look at what they were actually writing to each other :sick::sick: Try channeling your energy into writing a pros and cons list about her, if you haven't done so already. It'll knock her right off the pedestal you have her on, which will make things easier for you. Then, you can fill your mind with all the AWESOME that you are! Best of luck
Div Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 It really is one of the most horrible, destructive feelings in the world. But let's face it, you cannot control another person. Her life choices are for her to make and there is NOTHING you can do to change them. Accepting this helps me deal with this problem. Instead, keep your focus on things you CAN control, such as yourself, your body & mind. Work on this for a few months and then think of all the women that would want to be with you, an attractive, self-confident, self-assured man.
cookie2 Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 (edited) Initially the thought of this drove me insane. So you know what I did? I imagined him with as many girls as possible, doing as many things as possible, until I became desensitised to the idea. Then finally, all I felt was a feeling of disgust. It actually helped me get over him to think of him like that because that wouldn't be someone i'd want to be with. It might not work for everyone, but I basically let the feeling of anger turn into one of disgust and then finally you just think 'meh who cares?' Yes! Exactly what I did and it worked for me too. I was forced into thinking about it cos she cheated on me, so I didn't fight the thoughts or distract myself, I deliberately imagined everything they might have gotten up to behind my back. It hurt like hell at first but now yeah, it's just "meh". It's called exposure/response therapy, its a form of CBT Give it a try smk. Think about the worst thing she could be doing. In your bed, doing things she would never let you do, saying "oh yes you're much better than smk!". Yes it will make you cry. And the next time too. But soon it will get better and you'll be able to think about it no problem. Edited August 7, 2010 by cookie2
mickleb Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 You're back-pedalling, smk and you know it. You don't have to. x
Author smk Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 You're back-pedalling, smk and you know it. You don't have to. x Cookie - as painful as that sounds I think I need to give it a shot - wow that should be fun... I can think of lots of things.... Gives me the shivers just thinking about it... Lol Mb - I know, am learning to shift the thoughts of her to thoughts of me instead... I am still learning to crawl and every now and then I seem to fall a little... Sessions with therapist are going great, and she doesn't want give me meds which i think is a good thing (seeing as I have a slightly addictive personality) instead I am focussing a lot on my runnin and have actually signed up for more runs - one next weekend, a trail run in the lake district in sept and half marathon in oct... Been really good and haven't smoked either, except the odd cigar, haven't kicked the juice but am not drinking to drown out the sorrow, but within a social environment... Read a great book too that can be used in any situation - taming tigers - jim lawless - great book for everyone here. It about controlling and taming your fears... Everyone got some great tips here thank you , I am definately going to try imagine it happening to the point that it desensitises me...
Username37 Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I know this is not good for me, I am working on myself, learning from my break up, however the one thing that really gets to me and drives me abso-f@()!#g-lutely mad is the thought of another guy sleeping with her, kissing her, touching her.... Most time I am pretty good at pushing the thought out of my mind, but somehow today I just can't seem to get that thought out... I know she went out last night (no I wasn't stalking) but she told me the other day when I met her that she was going out, and I can't seem to stop thinking that she may or may not have come home with some other guy, and slept with him on the bed we once shared and it's driving me ****ing nuts... As a general rule I have been trying to ride out the thoughts and emotions but I really don't want to ride this one out, I just can't seem to push it aside... The thought of that bugs me too. 3 weeks after my break up, hooks up with some stoner ****er. I found out from a friend and she later admitted it, like she doesn't care. She told me not to judge her and that I know the real her. I knew she was going to hook up when I heard she was going to a party. I put the pieces together. I even knew the guy she was going to hook up with (found out via facebook.) She went to a party yesterday. I'm pretty sure she hooked up with someone new or with one of my friends. And we both got invited to a party early September and her first hook up buddy will be there so they'll hook up there too. Geez, my ex is a total slut bitch now.
spriggig Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Most of the time the only way to the other side is to go through. This works and is well worth the effort: Initially the thought of this drove me insane. So you know what I did? I imagined him with as many girls as possible, doing as many things as possible, until I became desensitized to the idea. Then finally, all I felt was a feeling of disgust. It actually helped me get over him to think of him like that because that wouldn't be someone i'd want to be with. It might not work for everyone, but I basically let the feeling of anger turn into one of disgust and then finally you just think 'meh who cares?'
boosh Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 The thought of that used to make me pissed, etc. At least I can have the peace of mind with my recent ex that I know she's not into that type of thing. It takes her months to sleep with someone. At the same tie, I've also learned to just not care about it. Thoughts like that really do nothing but hold you back emotionally.
YellowShark Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Here's a story that always brings a smile to my face. I have a good friend who always bragged about how good his girl was in bed. Finally another good friend got tired of hearing it and said, "Scott, how do you think she got so good?" He never bragged again. I realize that my ex had sex before I met her, and she will have sex after our breakup... JUST LIKE I WILL TOO!
Author smk Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 That's a good way to look at it... Yeah I know she was getting action before me and will do after me, and likewise so will I as soon as I find my mojo....
GrayClouds Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 (edited) The reason for this: Most time I am pretty good at pushing the thought out of my mind, but somehow today I just can't seem to get that thought out... Is because of this: Bon - I know the feeling of drinking too much, I did overindulge on the scotch last night however it was a fun night... To underestimate the effect of alcohol has on mood, special when your already fight depressed disposition is doing a real disservice. It has a physiological chemically impact on your mental state. It depletes serotonin levels, that have already taken a hit from the reaction of a break-up, for days after drinking, specially after a hard night. So I you are going to drink (or smoke), understand it is going to hit you latter and you may need to work harder the next few days not to give into those "negative" thoughts. Better yet give it up for a bit, it is a bit challenging but it will reinforce the feeling of control and self-empowerment at a time when both are welcomed. ( And if I was a betting man, I would also point to the overall tone of your posts today as appose to those over the last week as another indicator of a downturn in today mood) . Edited August 7, 2010 by GrayClouds
This Hurts Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 so will I as soon as I find my mojo.... Brilliant! :lmao:
mannpho Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I too have the same visions het with another man. I had to compete with dating sites. She would always tell me it's nothing its curiosity, please. I can even bein to tell all the sleepless nights whe I thought she might be out. Depression, fea everything and every time I would bring it up the same shot. It;s nothing, just curiosity, love receiving winks. I didn't have the balls to leave since I was so in love and still am with her. Funny thing what love does to a person that it;s so far in a relationship we tend to forget our needs. It;s now 1 month and Im a basket case. I havent figured out a way to deal with this nor the visuals that my ind play over and over. Hee is a ****ty thing I was told by all my friends do not send her a birthday card it will set you back. I thought she would receive it and just rip it apart and trash. Out of nowhere she sends me a text saying thank you for the card it was nice. Boy am I now F---k up. Does it mean she was simply cordial after all the nasty things she said to me? Is she thinjing of trying to communicate? Or is she simply a human being and feels guilty and just wanted to say thank you. I get NC now. Should I wait and try sending her a friendly email very positive, friendly in hopes she might want to talk? This sucks big time. All this time Im thinking of her with another guy. They destroy us and leave so much damage behind and they simply move on. I think the only medicine is that there will be another person that will love us for who we are, unconditional. They should rot in hell and get there own medicine and feel the sting like we all do here. I look at it this way we all have each other/
HopeLove Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 When he dumped me he was the one who said that the only thought about me being with another guy made him feel sick. So why did he dumped me then?... I know it can be that he is now with someone else but you know what? I don't want to think about it. I just don't allow myself thinking about that. He was with other women before me so he will be with other women after me. I just don't want to know and I hope that if I found out it will be after I moved on so it won't hurt that much. This is one more reason I have to move on.
Author smk Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 @ GC - I know I really should give up the juice - it's not doing me any favours... I guess it does come down to reinforcing my self-control... I won't lie I do still have moments where I fall down, where I do end up wrapping myself and getting consumed by the memories of what we once shared, and some days it seems to be easier to not let the past consume me, where as other days it's a little more difficult... I am working on myself at the moment, I am working on making myself a stronger person, yet there are moments that I can't seem to shrug off, each time I feel that I am making progress I seem to fall straight back down...maybe it the booze, maybe it's the fact that I met her a few days ago, maybe it's the fact that I just can't let go of her or of what I once was us. I am trying though, I have stopped blocking out the emotions, and I am as I said riding each one out, I am spending the time reflecting on myself, trying to better myself, yet at moments I do have these pangs of regret and sadness that just seem to envelop around my world and not let ms leave their embrace and I have to fight my way through it... I am beggining to think that I am afraid of letting go for some reason...
bonpaw2008 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 @ GC - I know I really should give up the juice - it's not doing me any favours... I guess it does come down to reinforcing my self-control... I won't lie I do still have moments where I fall down, where I do end up wrapping myself and getting consumed by the memories of what we once shared, and some days it seems to be easier to not let the past consume me, where as other days it's a little more difficult... I am working on myself at the moment, I am working on making myself a stronger person, yet there are moments that I can't seem to shrug off, each time I feel that I am making progress I seem to fall straight back down...maybe it the booze, maybe it's the fact that I met her a few days ago, maybe it's the fact that I just can't let go of her or of what I once was us. I am trying though, I have stopped blocking out the emotions, and I am as I said riding each one out, I am spending the time reflecting on myself, trying to better myself, yet at moments I do have these pangs of regret and sadness that just seem to envelop around my world and not let ms leave their embrace and I have to fight my way through it... I am beggining to think that I am afraid of letting go for some reason... I throw my hands up in the air sometimes Saying Ayo Gotta let go I wanna celebrate and live my life Saying ayo Baby let's go We are all afraid to let go because we loved them and we mourn the loss of all the good. Those were awesome memories for us, but there are better to be made out there.
Author smk Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 Bon- you brightened up my day with those lyrics.... How are you???
bonpaw2008 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Bon- you brightened up my day with those lyrics.... How are you??? That song is so popular on the radio here right now and I think of you every time I hear it It is about just throwing up our hands and letting go what we can't control.... Go read my co-dependent thread, I am good today even though there was some contact yesterday....
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