theplumber Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Right so my gf of a year and a half broke up with me a few days ago. we had been having silly little fights over nothing over the last 2 months. but we were both under a lot of stress as she is on the road to bulimia, and has serious body issues even though she is gorgeous, and my dad has been diagnosed with cancer in the last 6 weeks. Sex and real intimacy has stopped about 2 months ago, but i attributed this to her lack of confidence and body image. She assures me, tearfully thjat she loves me. Im 23 and she is 22. we have shared and helped each other with our deepest darkest secrets, although she finds it hard to open up. We agreed 3 weeks ago that we need to sort out our relationship and strengthen it, ie stop silly fights. I dont think she really treid, as she was still very irritable. i tried my hardest, doing things above and beyond. When we broke up, i got the whole i love you, but my feelings arent the same as they used to be. She says she cant imagine life wothout me, but she wants to be independant. I know she wont get help without me for her eating issues. I love her, niss her, and worry about her. What should or can i do. Is giving her space the only answer?
EthanH Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I almost get the impression that you tried too hard. Most people would think that to be a silly thing to say, and I'm sure at the time, it was logical, you seem like a nice guy, so were only doing what you thought was best, but for her... because you were so good, she took you for granted. Also in a way, I bet she wants to move on with her life, and the unfortunate thing is that she probably associates you with when she was so unconfident and in a bad place. Of course that is not your fault in the slightest, it is just about her growing up as a person. She associates you with reassurance and reliability, and the idea of being able to do without you, because of this, is extremely intoxicating in for her. For her to be so uncertain about herself and then realise she can stand on her own two feet will be a big buzz for her. And for her to get back with you, she associates it will being needy and being weak. Don't take it personally, and don't blame yourself, it is about her issues and her gaining confidence. The sad truth is, you were there for her when she was in trouble, i bet you did everything for her, but you were a crutch for her, and when she realised she could walk on her own, carrying the crutch along with her became a drag. She has outgrown the relationship. I'm not really sure there is anything you can do to change things. I think in situations such as this, it is very difficult to do anything, as she will associate getting back with you as being weak. What you need to do is to see that the relationship you had is over. If you get back with her, you have to be aware that it would be a new relationship. You would have to take nothing for granted and not expect anything. It is a case of her changing her view of you, from the one she sees you as now - the safe choice; to the view of you as an ambitious person again someone she wants to be with irrelevant of all of the stupid details. I think the only way you can do that is to be straight with her that you like her, but that until she decides that she passionately wants to be with you, she should leave you alone to get on with your life. If she cares about you enough... eventually she will come back, if not, you have lost less than you thought.
Don Ho Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 When we broke up' date=' i got the whole i love you, but my feelings arent the same as they used to be. She says she cant imagine life wothout me, but she wants to be independant.[/quote'] Ouch. So she's saying "I'm not feeling that strong attraction to you". Why? Because you turned into and continue to act like a big wuss (no offense). If you were never in her life she would either get help for her bulemia or she won't ... it's like you can make or really help an alcoholic stop drinking. Don't use that as an excuse to stay in contact. I think the only way you can do that is to be straight with her that you like her, but that until she decides that she passionately wants to be with you, she should leave you alone to get on with your life. IMO, wrong advice. You need to pull the carpet out from her if you want any chance at getting her back. Do not tell her how YOU feel because it only matters how SHE feels and telling her you care (which she knows) will not change how SHE feels about you. The only thing that might stir her emotions with you is to go NC (and not tell her you're doing it).
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