EthanH Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I have a friend who has incredible self confidence issues. For as long as I can remember, I have stood out in my various friends groups as the one who will say what I think, who when people ask my advice, I will be ultra honest. Most other people just go on what they think people want to hear. They worry that what they say might not be correct. They think it is better to say nothing in particular rather than anything constructive. Most people in my experience do the thing which entails the least effort. I'm not saying people don't care, but most people don't want to rock the boat, and don't feel it is 'their place' to really offer any advice or opinions. Not sure if anyone on here has experienced that? The problem is, she sees things so negatively. When a guy likes her, she dismisses the reason which most would point to, that they fancy her, that they like her, that they choose her over other girls, and instead, thanks to her insecurity, constructs excuses such as 'they are confused', or 'they are desperate', or 'they were drunk', or 'they were on the rebound'... every time, she dismisses the obvious answer, the one which most secure, confident people would come up with initially. I have tried to talk to her about this, and I think it has really had an impact on her. We are close, but I am one of the people she really confides in, even though she hasn't known me that long or that well... she is friends with my ex, who she knows I'm still crazy for, and so knows when I'm complimenting her, it isn't because I'm trying to hit on her... and that is the truth... but it is still difficult. I don't fancy her, but it is so difficult to give her advice without saying things which would lead her to think that. In terms of her personality, she is great, and it actually really annoys me that she thinks of herself so lowly. Any advice on how to help raise her confidence without feeling awkward? It's odd because I think a girl could tell her this easily, and there would never be any awkwardness, and yet for some reason, just because I'm the opposite sex, there seems to be a problem. I'm great at speaking to girls, a lot confide in me, so I'm not inexperienced in this, and I want to help her, I just want to get her to realise she is better than she thinks, but have no idea how to do that without sounding like i'm hitting on her...
xpaperxcutx Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Raising someone's confidence is only temporary especially for your friend because unless she's actually confident in herself, she'll most likely be stuck doubting herself. She sounds like such aDebbie Downer. I used to be like that, but that's because I was insecure about my looks. What exactly is she insecure about? Her looks? Does she think she's unattractive? Does she have image problems? The only way to really tackle her problems long term is to address why she's feels like she doesn't deserve people liking her. Maybe she could make a list of her pros and cons. Help her see that she has more pros than cons. I think you're a really good friend to help her but as mentally taxing as these things are, you could probably sugges to her a good counselor
Author EthanH Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 I'm from the UK, where counselling is still not nearly as prevalent as in the US... I get the impression she wouldn't do it anyway...has taken a lot for her to even tell me. She is insecure about her looks, her personality, everything. And the problem is, for most people, when someone of the opposite sex shows interest, they take it as a compliment. She is so negative about herself that even when this happens, she dismisses it as nothing to do with her, it is that there is something wrong with her. There is a guy who is really into her, who is really really full on... and yet when he is, she dismisses him as some kind of freak... ie 'why would someone like me so much?... oh it must be because he has built me up so much, soon he will come to his senses etc...' I think she is getting there, and I think me speaking to her has helped, it's just frustrating. I just fear that if she gets into a relationship, her self-doubt will cripple it. She had a guy interested in her before, they went out for a while, although she held back big time, and in the end, he couldn't take the fact that every time he complimented her, she reacted badly. I think that thing really made her realise that to be happy, she has to be realistic. I tried to tell her last time we spoke, that sure she isn't a supermodel, but neither is she as bad as she thinks. I know I'm not Brad Pitt, but I still like myself and don't have this crippling insecurity, I'm not arrogant, but there needs to be a balance. I asked her what she would give herself as a rating out of 10 and she said a 3. As a guy, my friends and I are always rating girls, and I don't think I have ever rated someone a 3, and I'm really picky! I dunno, it just made me think, there is nothing wrong with her, it is all in her head. I agree with you when you say that it is something she needs to advance with, and no amount of me trying to boost her ego will really solve the problem... it's just frustrating. I think she is starting to realise how negative her self image is.
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