Girl who rejected me, wants to keep me as a friend, why?

[somedude81]

I can't figure this one out.

 

Girl I met in class. We got together for lunch at the end of the semester. A couple of weeks later we go on a day time date. I (stupidly) tell her that I like her, she basically tells me that she wants to be friends for now. At the end of the day I half-joking say, "How bout a kiss?" She says no and I get a decent hug.

 

Couple of days after that I ask her over text when her night school ends. She tells me, I suggest getting drinks with her when shes out and she doesn't reply.

 

Couple of days later I send a text, "Hey, when we going to hang out next?" No reply and I delete her number.

 

Few days later I get a text, "You wanna get lunch on Monday?" I recognized her number and knew it was her.

 

So now we're getting lunch and I have no idea what's going on. Is this her trying to turn me into a friend? Why would she want some dude who's into her to be her friend? Does she expect me to pretend that I'm not into her or does she have other goals in mind?

[Chrome Barracuda]

WHAT THE F IS UP WITH GUYS HERE BEING ON THIS SITE BEING FRIENDS WITH FEMALES WHO CONSTANTLY DIS THEM AND DISRESPECT THEM. IT MAKES ME SICK!

 

Y'ALL SHOULDNT EVEN BE CALLED MEN!!!

 

....now that the vent is over? if you erased her number and didnt contact her, why are you going out to lunch with her!?!? wtf?!!!

 

Dont you know she's only doing that because it's feeding some deep rooted control issues with her!!!

[sugarmomma]

Yea she dissed you and I wouldn't give her the time of day. It sets up an unequal power structure in the r where there should just be a mutual respect and consideration.

[zengirl]

I can't figure this one out.

 

Girl I met in class. We got together for lunch at the end of the semester. A couple of weeks later we go on a day time date. I (stupidly) tell her that I like her, she basically tells me that she wants to be friends for now. At the end of the day I half-joking say, "How bout a kiss?" She says no and I get a decent hug.

 

Couple of days after that I ask her over text when her night school ends. She tells me, I suggest getting drinks with her when shes out and she doesn't reply.

 

Couple of days later I send a text, "Hey, when we going to hang out next?" No reply and I delete her number.

 

Few days later I get a text, "You wanna get lunch on Monday?" I recognized her number and knew it was her.

 

So now we're getting lunch and I have no idea what's going on. Is this her trying to turn me into a friend? Why would she want some dude who's into her to be her friend? Does she expect me to pretend that I'm not into her or does she have other goals in mind?

 

There are a million reasons why (well, really I can think of four, but a million variations: (1) She isn't attracted to you but actually likes you, (2) She just wants attention, (3) She has major trust issues and always has to befriend men first before even thinking of romantic intentions, (4) She's looking for orbiters and currently more interested in someone else).

 

None of them are good news for you if you dig her but have no interest in being platonic friends (I really don't think #1 is so bad in ALL cases so long as both people are honest, and can deal with it, but she doesn't sound terribly honest about it, and anyway, I'm not sure you'd want to deal with it).

 

At any rate, that's a long time to wait for a text from a girl who's showing little to no interest in you.

[jamesum]

Please tell me that you didnt reply to her text!!! Please!!!

 

If you are responding to her, I have to say you have zero dignity.

 

Its one thing if she replied to your offers and said 'no'.

 

But she didnt even bother to text you back at all.

 

You have no shame man.

Edited August 7, 2010 by jamesum

[Yamaha]

Are you guys friends now?

 

If you've made it plain you have a romantic interest and she tells you friends then you politely decline and continue your search. She is probably only trying to avoid awkardness, as you guys have a class together, and, she has shown little/no interest in you romantically. Don't accept the crumbs, decline her lunch date.

[tami-chan]

I can't figure this one out.

 

Girl I met in class. We got together for lunch at the end of the semester. A couple of weeks later we go on a day time date. I (stupidly) tell her that I like her, she basically tells me that she wants to be friends for now. At the end of the day I half-joking say, "How bout a kiss?" She says no and I get a decent hug.

 

Couple of days after that I ask her over text when her night school ends. She tells me, I suggest getting drinks with her when shes out and she doesn't reply.

 

Couple of days later I send a text, "Hey, when we going to hang out next?" No reply and I delete her number.

 

Few days later I get a text, "You wanna get lunch on Monday?" I recognized her number and knew it was her.

 

So now we're getting lunch and I have no idea what's going on. Is this her trying to turn me into a friend? Why would she want some dude who's into her to be her friend? Does she expect me to pretend that I'm not into her or does she have other goals in mind?

 

Because it feels good to have someone pining for you...you have to decide if you want to be used this way or not.

 

Or maybe she just change her mind and decided you look good enough to be in her presence.

[xpaperxcutx]

And the only question I can add to the above posters-

 

why do you want to be a doormat?

[Cracker Jack]

She likely enjoys your company. That's most likely why she wants to keep you around.

 

Either way, you shouldn't go for that.

[jackfergusion]

I think you should accept her proposal of friendship because if you accept this right now than there is chance that she likes you for relationship more ahead. She likes your company that is the reason why she wants you as a friend. It is not necessary that she has some wrong intense for doing this.

[Dblock10]

I think you should accept her proposal of friendship because if you accept this right now than there is chance that she likes you for relationship more ahead. She likes your company that is the reason why she wants you as a friend. It is not necessary that she has some wrong intense for doing this.

 

 

wrong. if you think this you have a lot to learn.

 

if you fall into the friendship zone, they will ALWAYS see you as that. infact if you go along with pretending to be her friend then its a friendship built on lies, if you then at a later stage go "hey can we date now" no doubt she will get angry at you because she THOUGHT you were friends. then she will no doubt STOP talking to you shortly after.

 

congrats for telling her you like her more as a friend, she told you where you both stand, now you move onto the next girl who will appreciate you more.

 

decline the lunch meeting or what ever it was. you are NOT her gay friend.

 

infact I would say sorry monday im busy. she may then suggest another day, then you can be like, i have other plans. basically just brush her off. you be the one to decide if it OFF or ON or OFF or ON

 

be the man

[GordonDarkfoot]

Although in the past I would generally have agreed with everyone telling you to ditch her, my philosophy has changed somewhat--although since I've been married forever, it's not something I've ever really put into actual practice.

 

I don't see a problem with going for lunch with a girl like this, provided you actually want lunch, and provided you don't pay for her lunch. Also provided that you don't have misconceptions that "one day she'll fall in love with me and we'll be more than friends." That's the hard part of course, avoiding the self-deception.

 

I firmly believe I would have had a lot more success with women, and navigating life in general, had I adhered to a pattern of developing as many different social relationships as possible, and expanding my social network by multiple means. This would include going to lunch with such girls as this one, who apparently want to believe she is somehow manipulating you.

 

Let her believe that if she wants and if it serves her purposes. Her purposes don't need to be your purposes.

 

Guys who are really really socially successful (and professionally as well) DO have all kinds of friendships with various women and aren't really worried about whether they get romantic with any girl in particular. They have large networks of friends and acquaintances and cultivate them.

 

Now this isn't a girl you should "chase" after because that's a waste of time. But going out to lunch with her, based on her invitation, is not "chasing." As long as you don't pay for her and you don't have anything else going on.

 

So go out to lunch with her and play it cool, be her friend, if that's all it is, and use the friendship for your benefit. I'm not saying take advantage of her or be disrespectful; by the same token don't allow her to take advantage or be disrespectful of yourself.

 

The best way to meet a woman, oftentimes, is through other women. If you're lucky when you show up for this lunch there will be 1 or 2 other chicks there, her friends who "just happened" to show up for lunch too. This is a castrating move that girls like this often try to pull if they believe they've lulled you into thinking it's a one on one "date" type lunch.

 

So have lunch and view it as a social networking opportunity, not a romantic opportunity. Ask her a lot of questions about what's going on socially in her life to find out if there are parties or events you can get yourself invited to her. If you have balls you can come right out and tell her you're looking for a gf, does she know any nice single chicks? Why not? If she starts giving you sh*t about doing so just tell her "Hey we're friends, right? TBH I need to get laid and I don't have a gf right now. I'm looking for someone who's reasonably attractive with a good personality. You seem like a nice person who probably has a lot of gfs, I figured you might know someone who's eligible." IOW she wants to be friends, you treat her like a friend. You tell her what's on your mind and see if she can help you out.

 

You can even do it in a half jokey half serious manner to leave your intent somewhat ambiguous if you want.

 

I know all this sounds kind of crazy and it's probably hard to pull off smoothly but frankly if you keep rejecting your social networking opportunities wherever they are coming from you're just making things unnecessarily difficult for yourself.

[O'Malley]

Since you're going out to lunch with her, why not make the most of the situation? Just understand that this particular girl isn't interested in you romantically, and don't fall for any attention wh*re behavior. Treat her like you would a guy friend.

 

But if she doesn't fish for attention, you could develop into acquaintances and get to know a wider range of women, what's the harm?

 

So go out to lunch with her and play it cool, be her friend, if that's all it is, and use the friendship for your benefit. I'm not saying take advantage of her or be disrespectful; by the same token don't allow her to take advantage or be disrespectful of yourself.

 

The best way to meet a woman, oftentimes, is through other women. If you're lucky when you show up for this lunch there will be 1 or 2 other chicks there, her friends who "just happened" to show up for lunch too. This is a castrating move that girls like this often try to pull if they believe they've lulled you into thinking it's a one on one "date" type lunch.

 

So have lunch and view it as a social networking opportunity, not a romantic opportunity. Ask her a lot of questions about what's going on socially in her life to find out if there are parties or events you can get yourself invited to her.

[dispatch3d]

Although in the past I would generally have agreed with everyone telling you to ditch her, my philosophy has changed somewhat--although since I've been married forever, it's not something I've ever really put into actual practice.

 

I don't see a problem with going for lunch with a girl like this, provided you actually want lunch, and provided you don't pay for her lunch. Also provided that you don't have misconceptions that "one day she'll fall in love with me and we'll be more than friends." That's the hard part of course, avoiding the self-deception.

 

I firmly believe I would have had a lot more success with women, and navigating life in general, had I adhered to a pattern of developing as many different social relationships as possible, and expanding my social network by multiple means. This would include going to lunch with such girls as this one, who apparently want to believe she is somehow manipulating you.

 

Let her believe that if she wants and if it serves her purposes. Her purposes don't need to be your purposes.

 

Guys who are really really socially successful (and professionally as well) DO have all kinds of friendships with various women and aren't really worried about whether they get romantic with any girl in particular. They have large networks of friends and acquaintances and cultivate them.

 

Now this isn't a girl you should "chase" after because that's a waste of time. But going out to lunch with her, based on her invitation, is not "chasing." As long as you don't pay for her and you don't have anything else going on.

 

So go out to lunch with her and play it cool, be her friend, if that's all it is, and use the friendship for your benefit. I'm not saying take advantage of her or be disrespectful; by the same token don't allow her to take advantage or be disrespectful of yourself.

 

The best way to meet a woman, oftentimes, is through other women. If you're lucky when you show up for this lunch there will be 1 or 2 other chicks there, her friends who "just happened" to show up for lunch too. This is a castrating move that girls like this often try to pull if they believe they've lulled you into thinking it's a one on one "date" type lunch.

 

So have lunch and view it as a social networking opportunity, not a romantic opportunity. Ask her a lot of questions about what's going on socially in her life to find out if there are parties or events you can get yourself invited to her. If you have balls you can come right out and tell her you're looking for a gf, does she know any nice single chicks? Why not? If she starts giving you sh*t about doing so just tell her "Hey we're friends, right? TBH I need to get laid and I don't have a gf right now. I'm looking for someone who's reasonably attractive with a good personality. You seem like a nice person who probably has a lot of gfs, I figured you might know someone who's eligible." IOW she wants to be friends, you treat her like a friend. You tell her what's on your mind and see if she can help you out.

 

You can even do it in a half jokey half serious manner to leave your intent somewhat ambiguous if you want.

 

I know all this sounds kind of crazy and it's probably hard to pull off smoothly but frankly if you keep rejecting your social networking opportunities wherever they are coming from you're just making things unnecessarily difficult for yourself.

 

 

Yeah this is what I'd do. I like this guys thoughts except for the last part on how to execute it. I'd want to go regardeless planning on making friends with her. She probably has a lot of other girlfriends and gets invited to lots of parties. IF this is true then definitely try to befriend her. I WOULDN'T directly start talking about dating her friends or whatever. You don't want her to think you have an agenda. Just that you're looking for a friendship that's mutually beneficial to the two of you.

 

If you aren't okay with being her friend then it's kind of murky. I think I would tell her you're going then flake out on her for some weird reason. Or tell her sure you'll go, and she should just call to confirm on monday because you are busy doing x. All tricks girls use. Lol.... You would be trying to get back the power with this stuff, and just getting her to stop game playing if that's what she's doing.

 

If you just go on the date as a date it's almost like your taking one for the team at the offchance she's interested.

 

edit: either don't answer the phone on monday, or tell her **** yeah I am too busy with x like I thought, maybe we can go another time.

[carhill]

Hey, let her take you to lunch; she can pay and you can ask her for dating advice about this new gal you met, the one you're going to ask out today

 

Seriously, this is a great way to separate the Hoovers from women who can be genuine friends. A genuine friend will be interested in your life and times and interests and share their experiences if asked for advice. Since she has no romantic interest in you, she should be fully on-board the supportive friend train. It's great to have friends. Enjoy the lunch

[somedude81]

Thanks for the responses guys. Monday plans had already been confirmed before I made this thread. We're each paying for our own stuff.

 

I do agree that she disrespected me. She's always been very flaky in replying to texts unless she wants something. If I continue to be in contact with her I will keep that in mind.

 

There are a million reasons why (well, really I can think of four, but a million variations:

(1) She isn't attracted to you but actually likes you

(2) She just wants attention

(3) She has major trust issues and always has to befriend men first before even thinking of romantic intentions

(4) She's looking for orbiters and currently more interested in someone else).

Thanks for the answers. It's exactly what I was asking for.

 

#1 seems the most likely. I have had girls tell me that they liked me, but not in that way. To me that's an odd concept because I either like a girl or a I don't. If I'm not attracted to somebody, I would never think that I like them. I might think that she's cool or nice, but I'd wouldn't like her. So her liking me as a friend could explain her wanting to see me. Though it's also odd that she's willing to overlook the fact that I am attracted to her. If there was a girl who I know liked me and I didn't return the thought, I'd want to keep my distance from her. That probably also ties into #2. I don't deal with women that often so I don't know how important attention is to them.

 

#3 seems interesting mainly because I'm a big fan of the friends first approach. Of course it's never worked for me. Maybe that's her style?

 

#4. I know she's casually seeing somebody else. I really don't care as long as I get a piece too. A girl wanting orbiters is a weird concept, which I guess boils down to them wanting male attention. I see that it can be a trap if that is all she wants. One thing I will not do is spend time with her when she has another guy around. I've got too much pride for that.

 

Are you guys friends now?

 

If you've made it plain you have a romantic interest and she tells you friends then you politely decline and continue your search. She is probably only trying to avoid awkwardness, as you guys have a class together.

We got together for the first time on the very last day of class which was a month ago.

 

Are we friends now? I don't know. Do I want to be her friend? I don't know.

 

So go out to lunch with her and play it cool, be her friend, if that's all it is, and use the friendship for your benefit.

 

The best way to meet a woman, oftentimes, is through other women.

 

So have lunch and view it as a social networking opportunity, not a romantic opportunity. Ask her a lot of questions about what's going on socially in her life to find out if there are parties or events you can get yourself invited to her.

I see two reasons for being her friend which you've already talked about. Using her to meet other women and taking advantage or her connections. I'm sure that she has lots of girlfriends and I know that she does get invited to parties and events. Being her friend can be very beneficial.

 

Now it becomes hard for me, because both of those can be very good. The problem is that I want her. I don't care if she wants to date me or not. I'd be perfectly happy with something casual. If a drunken hookup happens, great. Right now she's the only girl that I have a chance with, even though that chance is probably non-existent. If I was seeing somebody else, I'd have no problem being this girls friend.

[carhill]

P.S. - if she's a Hoover, when you start in, she will get annoyed. That's when you assert your boundary 'I value my friends and am always interested in and supportive of them. I expect the same.' Then continue on as if nothing had happened. If she's a Hoover, you'll never have contact with her again because she'll know clearly that you're on to her. If she gets annoyed publicly, just get up and leave. Let her pay the bill

[phineas]

Hey, let her take you to lunch; she can pay and you can ask her for dating advice about this new gal you met, the one you're going to ask out today

 

Seriously, this is a great way to separate the Hoovers from women who can be genuine friends. A genuine friend will be interested in your life and times and interests and share their experiences if asked for advice. Since she has no romantic interest in you, she should be fully on-board the supportive friend train. It's great to have friends. Enjoy the lunch

 

This.

 

Tell the woman you don't waste time & energy crushing on chicks who aren't interested in you & you have no problems being just friends.

 

Then treat her like one of your guy pals. (except the whole farting & belching thing) she's still a lady.

 

For me, I don't pine for women any more. I'm old enough to recognize the need for a platonic lady friend. A REAL lady friend.

 

For starters they can help you improve yourself to make you more attractive to women. trust me.

 

A good REAL lady friend is very nice to have.

[Green]

I can't figure this one out.

 

YES YOU CAN!

 

Girl I met in class. We got together for lunch at the end of the semester. A couple of weeks later we go on a day time date. I (stupidly) tell her that I like her, she basically tells me that she wants to be friends for now. At the end of the day I half-joking say, "How bout a kiss?" She says no and I get a decent hug.

 

I loved this story. BUT YOU NEED TO BE ASKING MORE GIRLS OUT. It's like when you look for a job you don't just apply to ONE you apply to many.

 

It wasn't a DATE UNLESS YOU KISSED HER. You don't ASK you don't tell her I LIKE YOU... YOU JUST KISS. Asking for a kiss or talking about your feelings on a first date are boring and awkward. YOu have to SHOW HER how you feel with a KISS.

 

Why didn't you TRY to kiss her during the decent HUG?????????? that would have been a great time.

 

Couple of days after that I ask her over text when her night school ends. She tells me, I suggest getting drinks with her when shes out and she doesn't reply.

 

Girls are like this my gf was a little flakey in the very begining but once we started KISSING and being GF/BF she was NEVER flakey again.

 

Couple of days later I send a text, "Hey, when we going to hang out next?" No reply and I delete her number.

 

I love that you deleted her number. I do the same thing when I get bored or anoyed at a girl. But really I would have tried a little longer then you did... PLUS I HATE TXTS makes it very easy to be ignored. I rather call and leave a voicemail if needs be.

 

FOr the most part though I don't get bored (until I completly have forgotten who a person is) and I don't get anoyed until a girl rudly says NO "Not if you were the last man on earth" type of thing. I think you give up and get upset to easily.

 

Few days later I get a text, "You wanna get lunch on Monday?" I recognized her number and knew it was her.

 

DUDE THIS IS A GREAT SIGN!!!! you have no idea. DO NOT! I reapeat DO NOT let the jaded people sour you to what a great chance you have hear.

 

KISS HER. Just find an excuse to get close. ASK FOR A BOOTH. and sit NEXT TO HER. Have your leg touching her leg. Make her sit on the side by the wall (if there is one).

 

Seriously YOU BETTER ... I MEAN YOU BETTER FRICKE UPDAT**** and that UPDATE better include a KISSSSSSSSSS. Just Grab her and go in for the kiss. Tell her you have a secret you want to wisper and then when she gets close just KISSS HER. YOU ENJOY THAT KISS. Smile say something like "I want another" seriously Smile even if she slapps you (which has NEVER HAPPENED TO ME) most likely she will dodge your kiss at the SPEED OF LIGHT if she doesn't want it. KISS HER LIPS. Just a quick (not to quick) simple lip kiss.

 

So now we're getting lunch and I have no idea what's going on. Is this her trying to turn me into a friend? Why would she want some dude who's into her to be her friend? Does she expect me to pretend that I'm not into her or does she have other goals in mind?

 

STOP LIVING IN the made up world where girls can TURN you into anything. SHE CAN'T TURN YOU INTO A FRIEND. YOU want her and that will never change. Just be yourself and HAVE FUN... DOn't worry about rejection or JUDGING HER or the situation. ENJOY HER. Tease her in a way that you BOTH can enjoy. Example your laugh is so cute, I wonder what people would think if I laughed like that... BAD EXAMPLE "YOU SMELL" don't tease her in a mean way a fun way.

 

GO FOR THE KISS. I swear to god if you don't come back with and update of how you HAD FUN (DOnt Fear rejection) and how YOu KISSED HER... seriously You will get your kiss I can't promise you'll get another date. But look if you don't find an opening to kiss her then just do it at the end before you say goodbye whether it be in the parking lot or at the table... just kiss her before she goes. DONT ASK JUST KISS.

 

Even if she says I HATE KISSES and I HATE YOU... take the fact that she is out to lunch with you a guy she knows likes her and YOU KISS HER ANYWAYS. I only say this because I know you will try to come up with any excuse of why it is not a good time. (people can see, I shouldn't, my breath smells, she looks like she doesn't want to, what if she gets mad) JUST SHUT YOU MIND UP and KISS HER!!!!!!

 

K you can do it. Give us an update. Like I said my gf IS INCREDIBLE and she completely ignored me on a date request the first time. Girls are really shy and silly, but you should forgive them if they stop being this way once you are dating and KISSING and oh YEAH SEXING. Basicaly you don't know if she will still be flakey once you start dating.

 

NOW KISS HER!

[carhill]

OP, the next interesting thing you're going to hear is 'I have a boyfriend'. Good luck and hope the kiss goes well

[somedude81]

Thanks for the encouragement Green. It's given me some fire.

 

After the lunch, I'm going to insist on her walking to the pier with me which conveniently is only two blocks away from the restaurant. No more asking for a kiss, I need to take it. Ugh, I haven't tried to kiss a girl in so long.

 

Carhill, I know she doesn't have a boyfriend. But thanks for the well wishes.

[Green]

OP, the next interesting thing you're going to hear is 'I have a boyfriend'. Good luck and hope the kiss goes well

 

I don't think he should worry or even think about if she has a bf.

 

DO NOT ASK HER do you have a bf.

 

after you have kissed her, and things are starting to heat up and you've made out. You now when you can tell she really likes you and you really like her.

 

YOU HAVE THE TALK. Its your job as the MAN to say. You're my gf and I'm your bf and this is an EXCLUSIVE thing so I won't be kissing or romancing other girls and I expect the same from you. SHE WILL PROBABLY BE HAPPY TO HEAR IT at that point... might not happen till the 3rd date.

 

Its college so who cares if she is dating some guy on the side as long as its nothing seriouse right now.

 

DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT OR WORRY ABOUT IT... AND DON"T ASK.

 

NOW GO KISS HER!!!!!!!

[2sunny]

I do agree that she disrespected me.

 

nope. YOU LET HER disrespect you. YOU allowed it. stop allowing it and she'll stop doing it. this is called a healthy boundary.

 

we train people how to treat us. seems simple, right?

 

you have trained her that you will put up with her manipulation and control. now it's time to retrain her to YOUR healthy boundary. when she says she doesn't have money for lunch - do not pay for her... pay for YOU only.

 

if you want to be her friend... be her friend and expect nothing else. if you expect more - walk away, she's not willing to be more than a friend.

 

do not do the physical touching. it confuses the opposite sex.

[meerkat stew]

Wouldn't foreclose a casual relationship with this person so quickly (or any other relationship really). IMO it's too soon to tell anything other than she wants to have lunch. You never know a stranger's exact situation in life when first approaching them and also, she may have single friends. She might make a good "wingman" also, who knows.

 

Would have a fun lunch and not put any heavy "I like you" type pressure on, don't say any petty things like asking for dating advice, premature and unnecessary IMO, wait a bit before making any final decisions. You will know soon enough whether she is worth spending more time, but don't think you have enough detail/info to make that decision yet.

[carhill]

OP, good question. Is this purely a casual dating dynamic or are you looking for a serious girlfriend?

 

TBH, IME, most of your 'competition' will be, as Green suggests, unconcerned with a woman's marital or relationship status. It's up to you to decide, prior to becoming invested in any way, what your boundaries are and what your perception of her psyche is. She's already told you once that she's not interested in dating you and wants to be 'friends'. She reinforced that with a friendly hug and has invited you to a friendly lunch. It's your *choice* what you do next. There is precedent in ignoring what a lady says or does. There is also peril. Choose wisely.