TinaniT Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Okay, back story of those who haven't read my posts. Met MM. Was M. We both got divorced and are together. Things have been great to a degree I couldn't even have anticipated in the most hopeful stages of when the A was going on. But I have noticed that something off the hand has bothered me and I can't for the life of me figure out why and thought some other OW would be able to give me some insight to this jumbled up mind of mine.. It's when MM brings up how his ex wife did certain things as suggestions. Fairly inevitable, as they were together two decades and went through together some things I'm going through now in parenting etc. His ex was a fine woman, actually in disposition we are quite alike. There are a few basic differences in priorities that accounted for their incompatibility in addition to the severe depression she suffers with and would not treat and the consequences for that, but really it would be obvious why we were both women to which he was attracted. I've never considered us to be in much competition, as the marriage was over in all ways but officially when we met, and he made it official in very quick order when we fell in love, more quickly than he even promised. But I find myself annoyed whenever he prefaces an idea of what to do with, *wife's name* did this. It is not much an issue because in most ways he prefers how I do things, and cares less about where I don't because he feels differently about me than he did about her and is able to forgive... (in as much as you can say prefers in such a situation, it's more a compatibility of values) It isn't brought up as a comparison, either, more "** did this" when I ask for his opinion or we are talking, or once bringing some stuff home to me that she liked. It has not come up very often, maybe 4 times in total in the last 6 months? It has come up in two things: parenting a few times, and in household management. Parenting, I know that she does not parent her kids to a degree I'd consider acceptable (because of her depression, but still). I know she does not keep a house neat or clean at all and thus am not very interested in her opinion on sponges or tools she finds handy. (I am a neat freak and keep an immaculate house.) So why in the hell does I feel it getting to me under my skin so quickly each time? Normally, I have a better handle of what I feel and why! And I know my love has a long history with this woman and stories are going to come up. And most of the time I find them charming and they do not bother me, only where it is part of a gift or suggestion... So, diagnose me, docs.
2sunny Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 simply tell him that you are hurt when he compares. tell him you are a completely separate person than she is. tell him IF it bothers him THAT much - he should do it himself the way he prefers.
Chani Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 It sounds like you are reacting normally to hearing stories about his ex and their life together. Have you considered telling him how you feel about this? Maybe you could put it to him that it makes you uncomfortable but be careful in case he sees it as a jealous reaction to the long time he spent with his ex.
jwi71 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Okay, back story of those who haven't read my posts. Met MM. Was M. We both got divorced and are together. Things have been great to a degree I couldn't even have anticipated in the most hopeful stages of when the A was going on. But I have noticed that something off the hand has bothered me and I can't for the life of me figure out why and thought some other OW would be able to give me some insight to this jumbled up mind of mine.. It's when MM brings up how his ex wife did certain things as suggestions. Fairly inevitable, as they were together two decades and went through together some things I'm going through now in parenting etc. His ex was a fine woman, actually in disposition we are quite alike. There are a few basic differences in priorities that accounted for their incompatibility in addition to the severe depression she suffers with and would not treat and the consequences for that, but really it would be obvious why we were both women to which he was attracted. I've never considered us to be in much competition, as the marriage was over in all ways but officially when we met, and he made it official in very quick order when we fell in love, more quickly than he even promised. But I find myself annoyed whenever he prefaces an idea of what to do with, *wife's name* did this. It is not much an issue because in most ways he prefers how I do things, and cares less about where I don't because he feels differently about me than he did about her and is able to forgive... (in as much as you can say prefers in such a situation, it's more a compatibility of values) It isn't brought up as a comparison, either, more "** did this" when I ask for his opinion or we are talking, or once bringing some stuff home to me that she liked. It has not come up very often, maybe 4 times in total in the last 6 months? It has come up in two things: parenting a few times, and in household management. Parenting, I know that she does not parent her kids to a degree I'd consider acceptable (because of her depression, but still). I know she does not keep a house neat or clean at all and thus am not very interested in her opinion on sponges or tools she finds handy. (I am a neat freak and keep an immaculate house.) So why in the hell does I feel it getting to me under my skin so quickly each time? Normally, I have a better handle of what I feel and why! And I know my love has a long history with this woman and stories are going to come up. And most of the time I find them charming and they do not bother me, only where it is part of a gift or suggestion... So, diagnose me, docs. Why don't you just ask him why he is comparing you to his xW? I wouldn't be kosher with that either - she is the xW and you are, I guess, the new W (former OW?). You do things your way and she hers. You aren't her so he shouldn't expect you to behave as his xW. Not knowing your story, it might be just simple adjustment to "you" from his xW. OR maybe he is rethinking his decision. Who knows? Well, he does...so ask him straight up. Remind him that you are you and the way you parent and clean house is your way, not his xW's.
NoIDidn't Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Sounds like he is significantly older than you, or at least his kids are much older than your own. He probably feels he's passing on some wisdom on childrearing, but also including how his exW and he handled things. If he says "her", he's really saying "we". They parented their kids together, I'm sure. Its good to see that you acknowledge his decades with her, yet it seems that that is what is bothering you in this.
turnstone Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Frankly it would bother me regardless if I were once his OW or not. No one would enjoy feeling compared to an ex, whether or not they were actually being compared is another story. Have you told him how you feel about it and asked him to stop?
NoIDidn't Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Frankly it would bother me regardless if I were once his OW or not. No one would enjoy feeling compared to an ex, whether or not they were actually being compared is another story. Have you told him how you feel about it and asked him to stop? I agree. That's why my post said nothing about her having been his OW, but he does have an ex that he was with for years.
cavedweller Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 TinaniT, Food for thought: In real life do you know what they call your situation? "When the honeymoon is over." also, "The grass is always greener."
seren Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Perhaps Tiani it's because the D and you and he being together has been relatively hassle free (I am assuming) that he feels it is OK to speak about his XW. I wouldn't like it, but wouldn't read too much into it, assuming everything else is OK. I would talk to him about it, I would also realise that 20 years living a certain way will take some adjustment, but, try explaining.
jj33 Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Agree with the others. Its not about being OW its because noone likes to be compared to the xW, the mother the sister or anyone else. But its normal. Thats how things have been done in his life up to now. He didnt do those things but that is how things were done (for him or with him). I would just say to him everyone does things differently and negotiate those things with him as if she were anyone and not take it as an xwife thing.
Fallen Angel Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I agree with the other posters who say it has nothing to do with the OW/MM/xW dynamic and is simply him sharing his experiences. But it is annoying! My xH used to do that to me, but about his mother. He was such an assclown though that when he would do it I would think to myself, "yes, I should do it that way, since we all know she raised such a Prince of a Man" *Insert the boggest eyeroll ever here* :rolleyes: Just take it with a grain of salt, and tell him that you are grateful for his suggestions but that you prefer to do things your way. When you are further along in your R he will likely cease the comments.
Silly_Girl Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 My take is that it's a down point of rushing from one relationship to another. Comes with the territory and has nothing to do with the infidelity dynamic. You should be able to sort it easily, T.
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