blizzard Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 pretending that our marriage is okay. I have watched us slowly fall apart since the day we met. I tried to keep us above water. I chased him during our dating phase totaling 6yrs, begging for him for a committed relationship. He wanted the perks of a girlfriend M-TR but "bar women" on the weekends. Finally I gave him an ultimatum. He didn't want to commit so I left. Months later he called and said he "would give it a try." We did. A couple more years passed, he had no desire for marriage...just spent $$ on hobbies. Once again, I gave another ulitmatum...he finally chose marriage. Although he ran out and bought a sports car so that WE could have a hefty car payment whereas we had none. Also, he had me shop for the ring because I was going to be the one wearing it!? So all along I have felt like seconds deep down inside. But I developed thick skin. In addition, he also houses a severe problem with physical affection. I married in hopes he would change. Old love means growth...he would grow to love me tenderly. Fast forward. 10 married years later. After going through a few personal painful times...and the miraculous years of having children...things just seem to get worse. I became the back-to the back to the back seat. We had a major arguement that revolved around his selfishness...and lack of prioritizing his wife and family. It's like a just awoke one day and found myself invisible and unappreciated. Unrespected. I became accused of having an affair because I had these feelings. We went to counseling and got nowhere. Hence, him trying to force the affair issue and disagreeing that his wife should come first. He didn't want to own up to his faults. I wasn't being unfaithful. But once we seperated, and I asked for a divorce...months later I did. He found out about it. I denied it. Still do. The affair is over. He knows that too. He has threatened to take custody of our children. That is the reason for my silence. I am still unhappy in our marriage. We don't talk about us. Just the kids. He asked me to stop being angry. I can't. I don't even want him touching me. Intimacy has never felt right b/c of the lack of affection. I am just in a mess. And now, that the dust has settled. He acts as if nothing happened. He is just as happy as can be...even though we don't operate as a union or have any emotional connection. He keeps making moves on me...trying to show affection in his own weird way...and it just makes me cringe and feel confused. I don't know what to do.
cavedweller Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 blizzard? You lost me here..What are you trying to say?
Author blizzard Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 (edited) And also, the affair wasn't some passionate, hot sex thing...it was tenderness and warmth. I feel like I have had a taste of something that has been missing forever and I can't go back to the lack of affection. I felt like me for once. The way I used to be before I became like "him." The affectionate me...a loving person. I feel pressured to make this marriage work. I'm scared. Most people say divorce is doom. Stick out your marriage. Give it time. Things will change. It will get better. Go counseling. Etc. But, he continues to sweep our problems under a rug. Pretend they don't exist. He thinks I had an affair...doesn't that warrant some kind of communication? He seems happy. And I am confused. The only thing he has ever said is that he isn't sure if he can ever trust me...and that he wants to see this guy suffer. Edited August 6, 2010 by blizzard
Author blizzard Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 blizzard? You lost me here..What are you trying to say? Been trying to teach an old dog new tricks...it hasn't worked. And why is the old dog happy, off chasing birds in the fields when there isn't any gravy in the kibble at dinner. I dunno. Just venting really.
spriggig Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I wasn't being unfaithful. But once we separated, and I asked for a divorce...months later I did. He found out about it. I denied it. Still do. The affair is over. So...are you saying you did have an affair after asking for a divorce, but still deny it to him? Why? I married in hopes he would change. Oops! Sounds like you ignored all the signs and he married you in spite of himself. He loved you but wasn't ready to get married to you, he made that clear but you cornered him. I feel as sorry for him and your kids as I do you.
You Go Girl Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 It sounds as if your H doesn't understand connection. Honest, true, real, connection. This is not unusual for some men. They were raised to have too tough of skin and don't form honest open relationships. He just sounds like his emotions are OFF! He probably doesn't even know what his own real emotions are. Hence the awkwardness with regular affection. Sex surely has no connection either, if affection is missing. That definitely means the sex is about sex, not connecting with another and making love. Am I right? And if I am, why stay in a marriage that lacks any intimacy? If you want to give it a chance, then he really needs a full course on what intimacy is. He probably has no idea.
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 It seems you two didn't click from the start and by getting married by threats and ultimatiums has made your marriage rocky and not fun at all. Why are you two hanging onto eachother? If he wants out, let him go. If you want out, GO. Find love and happiness, respect one another enough to just end it so each of you can find someone else.
carhill Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I don't know what to do. File for divorce and put teeth into your boundaries. Co-parent like mature adults. Life goes on. Good luck
cavedweller Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 blizzard, When it is over it is over.. Sometimes it is best to get a divorce and move on.
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