Will She Do It Again?

[OnMyOwn619]

All

 

Thank for you the continued replies. I have been reading them and following the thread. I wasn’t able to post last night because I went to the movies (Inception... great movie) and this morning her and I went for a run then I was cooking for the kiddos on the new griddle. Let me go one by one and respond to the posts.

 

@fooled once: Concerning the whole e-mail advice, if you go back to my original post you’ll see I acknowledged some of your concerns there. As far as us having access to each others accounts, it not as egregious or as laborious as your e-mail makes it sound. When I bought the new family iMac, in order to quickly get all the necessary programs on there I just cloned my MacBook Pro over to it. All of my information went there (including work accounts). She set hers up and as well and similar to you and your husband, we only have a variety of passwords that we use. It’s not a conscience effort to exchange account info and as I said before, I don’t concern myself with checking her account. It was a one time thing when I was excited about a pending offer letter. Other than that, I agree with everything else you said. Thank you.

 

@bentnotbroken: Thank you

 

@Chrome Barracuda: At least have the decency to give a citation for your movie quotes (Jonathan Nolan not the Joker)

 

@Betty Boop: Thank you very much for your quote. Your whole line about, I only get naked with my boyfriend is the type of response I would have expected to see as well. She just ignored the comment and to me that’s just as bad as playing into it (i.e. First They Came - Martin Niemöller)

 

You said something that we’ve all heard before, actions speak louder. To her credit, I was over three hours away on a client’s site when this whole thing went down. She wanted to come out but I refused to tell her the hotel I was staying at. I didn’t want her to drive out and I didn’t want to see her. That night I went out with one of my fellow consultants for his birthday and needless to say, I had two good reasons to get very drunk. The next morning she called and told me she had driven into the town (Santa Clarita) and she wasn’t leaving without seeing me because we needed to talk. So she only called because she had to.

 

@Just Joe: Thank for the advice. The day we talked, I told her that although I didn’t want to know every detail (because it was none of my business) if there were more guys that were going to be popping up like this guy she needed to tell me now (or tell them now) because if this ever happened again, I would be gone.

 

@Untouchable: Pretty normal I know but after my last marriage I’ve come to appreciate the little things.

 

@2Sunny: Time to psychoanalyze me eh? My previous marriage didn’t work out because it didn’t work out. There was no fault, no cheating, no abuse. As I stated before, I was in the military. Six trips to Iraq and all that time apart, people change. She got used to me being gone and I knew she was lonely and unhappy. Eventually we just wanted different things. I separated from the military but it was never the same. After I got my first great post-military job, it was more road trips and time apart. We drifted apart. It was a pretty clean break. The divorce was amicable. I gave her the house, her fully paid car, and took the little debt we had. We remain friends til this day and I can honestly say my son has never heard us talk nasty about each other. We just changed. I know I said earlier that I had gotten out of a bad marriage and that was partly true. Everything I did, the deployments, the new job, I did it because I had to (when I was in the military) and I wanted to get my family off to a great start (first post-job). I felt none of the sacrifices were appreciated and by the end of the marriage, we were both feeling lonely and apart. To me, that wasn’t a good marriage or at the very least, how I envisioned it when I got married.

 

So now here I am. With a girl who other than one incident I get along with very well. Yet I’m on the verge of letting this one incident (which people have agreed was a pretty bad incident) ruin what it is we do have.

[2sunny]

ok, good. no need to throw away the good yet... see if it sustains time and she behaves nicely.

 

set a solid, firm boundary and make it perfectly clear to her that there is NO other chance. in the meantime keep your eyes wide open and don't be too quick to ignore your gut.

 

have fun!

[Untouchable_Fire]

A

So now here I am. With a girl who other than one incident I get along with very well. Yet I’m on the verge of letting this one incident (which people have agreed was a pretty bad incident) ruin what it is we do have.

 

Just for some perspective - as I read your whole issue... I would rank this a 4 out of 10 on a trust issue scale. Not enough to consider dumping her.

 

Think about it... she did this on an email account she KNEW you had access to.

 

Did she delete any previous contact with him, so that you could not see it?

 

That would bump it up to a 5 in my book.

[2sunny]

and has she had ANY contact with him since you found out? is she willing to have COMPLETE transparency without getting mad if you have the need to check up on her at any given moment? including keylogger on computers, cell phone checks, cell phone bills and a voice activated recorder, allowing you to understand where she always is and with whom.

 

if she's not willing to open up every area of her life to give you some peace of mind - she's still hiding some things.

 

see how willing she is to EARN your trust back. she has to be the one to earn this - it's not something you can do for her - and mushy, loving words just doesn't cut it when it comes to earned trust.

[breaking_bad]

I know you love her, but it sounds like you are rolling over on this one. I would think she'd probably be surprised (and maybe thankful) if you told her listen sister - I love you, I want to be in this relationship with you, but I will not tolerate cheating and if you do it, we're done. I don't care who cooks and buys what for who or who says I love you more.

 

It doesn't sound like anyone has ever laid the hammer down on this girl. Maybe she picks guys who don't lay the hammer down. Maybe she would like it if someone did, and that would make her stop damaging the relationships she's in. Just sayin....

 

And don't read other people's e-mail. That's creepy and I would personally split w/ you just for doing that.

 

Good luck.

[White Flower]

Thanks for the continued replies. I understand there can be secret accounts (for instance I opened up a Yahoo account to open up this LoveShack profile) but I'm just talking about the ones I know exist. 2sunny, I understand it's my decision I'm just looking for someone to tell me I'm not being unreasonable for feeling this way.

 

About a week after it happened I was pretty disconnected, we were talking on chat. I kept asking why. Like Finally_Free said, was it keeping an option open? That was something I asked her. I asked her if there was something I could have done different then I logged off without waiting for a reply and she sent me the following e-mail and I haven't brought it up since: (A, if you've happened to stumble across this site and this thread then you'll recognize this is your letter and this thread is about you... if that day ever comes lets talk)

 

"baby, I'm sorry. you did nothing wrong. Nothing. I should never have sent the email. I don't even know why I did. I want to forget about that part of my life. I never wanted you to know about him. I hate that you even know that about me. I didn't send the email to keep him in my life. I swear, that when I say it was meant as a friendly, how are things email. That was it. Since the day we have been together, not once has it ever crossed my mind to be with anybody else. You, your love is all I need. Baby everything we talked about that day, I want all of it. I want to have a baby with you. I want to be married, and spend every day of the rest of our lives together. I gave you my heart, and I meant it when I said my heart stops with you. I'm sorry you read what you did. I'm sorry, I didn't mention you to him. I'm soooo sorry I lied. I'm sorry I hurt you. But I swear I will do what I can to make the pain go away, and let you know you are my one and only. You are my heart, my love, my forever. Nobody else."

 

Is she being sincere? Was it a mistake that she regrets? I hope so. I just wish I could stop thinking about it.

Welcome to LS Onmyown!

 

After reading your OP I felt in my gut that she was 1) ashamed of cheating before you, and 2) ashamed of you finding out.

 

The reasons I feel she is telling the truth now is because she has given you the passwords to everything--long before this occurance happened. She knew it was a possibility that you'd find things like this. She probably tried so hard to put it behind her that she forgot to hide it or brush him away politely.

 

She can easily go be with this guy right now, be his OW and enjoy the single life but she is not doing that. She has completely integrated you into her entire family life. She loves you, and wanted you to see her as just as perfect on the inside as you and everyone else see her on the outside. She is flawed, as we all are, and if you still love the flaws within her then she is lucky. So are you.

 

I'm sure as time passes you'll feel better about this. Shame can be hard on a woman, we're not supposed to make the mistakes that guys are usually patted on the back for. She was probably mortified when you found that email. I'm glad it didn't take her long to fess up because I know a MM or two who could have twisted that one around.

Edited August 8, 2010 by White Flower

[OnMyOwn619]

All

 

I will post a more detailed reply tomorrow but I couldn't go to bed tonight without posting the following:

 

finally_free: I'm not sure what OP means but I'm guessing it means me. I have not been ignoring your post. As a matter of fact, your first response was one of the first ones that I responded to. I absolutely HAVE NOT ignored your post. Go back and read mine, although I never adressed you with an "@" (I didn't start that until this thread got more response than I ever expected) I did address your concerns directly.

 

Honestly, I felt like I was going crazy. Being completely unreasonable. Some responses have been more helpful than you all will ever know. I have tried my best to respond to those responses and have ignored the one or two that were not helpful at all (Barracuda).

[White Flower]

All

 

I will post a more detailed reply tomorrow but I couldn't go to bed tonight without posting the following:

 

finally_free: I'm not sure what OP means but I'm guessing it means me. I have not been ignoring your post. As a matter of fact, your first response was one of the first ones that I responded to. I absolutely HAVE NOT ignored your post. Go back and read mine, although I never adressed you with an "@" (I didn't start that until this thread got more response than I ever expected) I did address your concerns directly.

 

Honestly, I felt like I was going crazy. Being completely unreasonable. Some responses have been more helpful than you all will ever know. I have tried my best to respond to those responses and have ignored the one or two that were not helpful at all (Barracuda).

OP means Original Post or Original Poster, depending on the context.

 

CB rarely offers support or advice, just likes to bash. Most people ignore him. When he IS helpful, I usually praise the s*** out of him because it is a nice rarity. (Hugs Chrome)

 

FF, when she first denied the truth my guess is she was mortified. I can only hope that she knows better now and opens up to OMO from here on out.

[Chrome Barracuda]

OP means Original Post or Original Poster, depending on the context.

 

CB rarely offers support or advice, just likes to bash. Most people ignore him. When he IS helpful, I usually praise the s*** out of him because it is a nice rarity. (Hugs Chrome)

 

FF, when she first denied the truth my guess is she was mortified. I can only hope that she knows better now and opens up to OMO from here on out.

 

Roflmao! That's funny we got a lot of comedians tonight. My advice is truly not for the weak willed or minded. If I say what I really wanted to say. I'd be on restriction again.

 

A man asking a cheating woman to be faithful is.like walking out during a rainstorm. Somehow someway your gonna get wet. Her history says it all.

 

...I have spoken.

[Fieldsofgold]

A man asking a cheating woman to be faithful is.like walking out during a rainstorm. Somehow someway your gonna get wet.

 

I have read the whole thread this evening. CB ain't much to look at, but I have to agree with him on the bolded.

 

I could rehash all the details of what took place between you, but that's already been pretty well covered and discussed. Not really much I could add to that. BUT . . . about the gut feelings, the thoughts, the little niggling feeling, that thing that gnaws at you in the quiet of the night . . .

 

You are a military man. You've been to Iraq 6 times. You most likely have survival/protection instincts honed to a fine level. Your gut is screaming to you that something, somehow, right now, is not right. You are not being paranoid. You are not being unreasonable. Your gut, your instincts are trying to send you a very powerful message. If you were in Iraq and getting those kinds of gut feelings about a situation, you'd be as wary and on-guard as you could humanly be. You would not doubt or second-guess your gut.

 

Because you love this woman, because she treats you well, and because of the things you went through together to get together, you desperately want your gut to be wrong. I definitely understand that!

 

But, as I know all too well, and as I imagine you know all too well from other circumstances, it is a very bad mistake to ignore your gut.

 

When someone has done me wrong, and I find out, or it is revealed to me in some way, I consider that a gift, of sorts. It's a "gift" to know what someone has done, so that I can protect myself from further deception, hurt and misuse by someone I love. The e-mail you stumbled on, that was a "gift" to you, to show you what/who you are dealing with. You also have the "gift" of intuition, or hypervigilence, or whatever it is, still telling you that something is wrong. Don't throw away what you've been given to help you guard your heart and your life, and to make wise decisions.

 

I am really sorry you are in this circumstance. I am terribly sorry for what you've already been through. I wish you the best.

Edited August 9, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[2sunny]

Because you love this woman, because she treats you well, and because of the things you went through together to get together, you desperately want your gut to be wrong. I definitely understand that!

 

But, as I know all too well, and as I imagine you know all too well from other circumstances, it is a very bad mistake to ignore your gut.

 

i totally agree. the gut never lies. since she is willing to be so nice now that you know what she did behind your back - she still is not to be trusted. she has given evidence that she can be nice to you - meanwhile doing whatever pleases her at the same time - behind your back.

 

don't deny what the gut tells you... it's your most useful tool.

[White Flower]

i totally agree. the gut never lies. since she is willing to be so nice now that you know what she did behind your back - she still is not to be trusted. she has given evidence that she can be nice to you - meanwhile doing whatever pleases her at the same time - behind your back.

 

don't deny what the gut tells you... it's your most useful tool.

As long it is your instinct you are trusting and not somebody else's sensationalized version of the truth. Some people are simpy untrusting.

 

I hope OMO trusts his gut.

[Fieldsofgold]

As long it is your instinct you are trusting and not somebody else's sensationalized version of the truth. Some people are simpy untrusting.

 

I hope OMO trusts his gut.

 

LOL! WF, I know your post was not directed toward me at all, but I have to say this - while I may come off as distrusting sometimes - in 40 years, my suspicions have never once been proved wrong.

 

(If I can find the thread, I'll post on "updates." It'll make you shake your head)

 

Of course, I have to also recognize that different people have differet tolerance levels for dishonesty. And that is as it should be. We are all unique individuals. My threshold is pretty low.

Edited August 9, 2010 by Fieldsofgold