Will She Do It Again?

August 6, 2010

Hey all, thanks for reading. This will be a fairly long post because it's been something that's been eating up since May.

Last August I had just gotten out of a bad marriage. I had started a new job and wasn't looking forward to it because I had recently quit a job I loved in an attempt to salvage the failing marriage. It didn't work. Anyway, I met this married woman on the job and we both had a lot in common. Her career was one I had done while I was in the military and although it was no longer my job to do, I gave her input and was able to help her productivity, take some of the load off of her, etc. We hit it off and became good friends fairly quickly. Chatting all day on the work IM, going to lunch, gym time, etc.

She described a unhappy 8 year marriage in which at the beginning the H was controlling, constantly leaving her to fend for her son alone while he was pursuing wild career options, which at one point he walked in a told her he never loved her. I think the H had a change of heart the last few years because before anything developed between the two of us, she told me he was really trying to rectify his past wrongs. Spontaneously buying her flowers, taking her to dinner, thoughtful things that women say they want but maybe it was already too late. As these things happen the friendship eventually developed into more.

She would tell me how unique I was, an attractive guy (me?) with a well paying job, MBA, relateable career, etc. and how I was the first guy who showed her she could be happy again. The first guy to want to give her the courage to leave him for good (even if we never stayed together... just the possibilities she now had). She ended up leaving him in Nov and her and I came out to the families soon afterwards. Life is good no?

Okay so here's where the trouble started for us, in May. Let me preface this with saying, yes I read her e-mail. Yes I shouldn't have. However, she has access to my e-mail (both work and personal) and my FB and yes, she too has checked mine as well (and called me out on a few things but nothing damming... I honestly have zero problem with her having access to all of my accounts because I have absolutely nothing to hide.

She was about to start a new job and we were both excited waiting for the offer letter to come in. While she was in a meeting with her former employer (yes she got the new job... congrats on her promotion). I was checking her email every 10 mins to see if the offer letter had arrived (I was excited for her as it was a huge promotion). During one of the checks there was a new email from a guy who I didn't recognize (we both integrated into each others social circles extensively).

The email was fairly innocent. I was about to just close it until I read the last few paragraphs. In it the guy was describing how he and his wife had just finished a half marathon together but he hated every minute of it because she was "soooooooo slow". Then he goes onto describe how he hopes to run it with my GF next time. I trace the e-mail below. She had written him an e-mail that was outwardly friendly. Catching him up on her life. Things she was doing. New job possibility. Her son getting bigger. The split with the H. Lots of information but ABSOLUTELY no mention of me. I found that slightly odd (since I can't not mention her to my friends when I'm talking about the going-ons of my life) so I read the e-mail down a little further.

The guy's previous e-mail he finished it off by telling her how "amazing" she was and how "in-sync" the two of them were when they were together. He tells her he says the messages on her FB wall (my messages) and he's "dying to comment but understands he can't" so he'll "wait for her to spring back" and how awesome it would have been to have been able to "spend the whole day naked" and they should "plan for it".

I was crushed. Literally it was like someone had hit me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me. I marked the message as unread and got up and left the office early that day. She calls me later and is asking why I wasn't at work and I told her I couldn't stay there. She immediately sensed something was wrong because that was very out of character for me. I tried to tell her it was nothing. She starts digging and it doesn't take long before everything starts to spill out. She asks if I had read her e-mail. I pretended I didn't know what she was talking about. She starts telling me it was fine if I had read it because he was just an old friend she had met on a business trip. That nothing ever happened between them. "Baby seriously, nothing ever happened. I love you I'd never lie to you. You were the first person to ever make me feel desired, etc." She starts telling me how unique I was and all the things guys want to think their girls actually feel that way about them.

She sounded so calm and collected, it hurt to hear her lie to me that way. I finally couldn't take it anymore and confronted her. I said, "then why is he dying to comment on the messages I leave you on FB? Why is he waiting for you to spring back to him? Why does he say it sure would have been awesome to spend the entire day naked together? Why does he think it's something you two should plan for? Is it because to him I'm no different than Mike? Just another schlub in your life that he knows can't hold a candle to him?" The phone was quiet for a long time.

She finally burst into tears and starts apologizing. She didn't realize the e-mail had the trail in there. I'm like, I get it that you weren't happy in your marriage. I get it that you were angry at Mike but why lie and tell me things that weren't true? Why not just not say anything? Why keep in touch with this dude? Better yet, why keep in touch with this dude and not say one word about me? It was a rough conversation. It goes a lot further, even finding out there was a one-night stand besides this guy (since then I've discovered the possibility of more but frankly, I don't want to know), and I'll just say it was resolved. However, something changed that day. Even though we started off with a cracked foundation (the affair) we both made drastic changes to show we were committed to one another (I left my job, COI with our relationship, and she left her husband) but something still feels out of place now.

We live together now. I love her to death. Her family has taken my son and me into their arms wide open. I tell her son he has a good father and I'm not trying to replace him but he knows I treat him as good as my own son. She loves me. Everything is good but I have to admit I'm having serious trust issues. I keep them bottled up and nobody outside of the people who have read this know my inner demons. I love this girl so much. She's so good to me. I want to be the perfect boyfriend for her. I got back into running (because she's passionate about it... back to 4 miles a day... maybe her and I can do the half together next year), I cook her dinner every night, help with dishes and chores, pay the bills on-time, remind her how beautiful she is every morning. I do these things for two reasons. One because I love doing them for her. I'm in love with her. The second is more insidious. I do them because I'm trying to make sure I never give her a cause to cheat on me. Not that I think she will but she's more than capable of it. She's very beautiful and guys are constantly checking her out even when I'm with her.

It's a hard thing. She's very appreciative of me. She does a lot to show me she loves me (she bought me an iPad for no reason other than the fact I'm an Apple nerd) and things are great outwardly.

Inwardly I'm torn up. It was the cold nonchalantness of the lies to me when she tried to convince me nothing had happened. The "you are unique" and "you were the first guy to come along" lies. When I hold her at night the last thought in my head is, "was this how he held her" and it bothers me that I feel this way. The not mentioning me to him and responding after he mocked the comments I leave her in his e-mail to her. She swears she was just trying to be friends with him but is that really possible? If it is possible and it was true, then why didn't she mention me? Wouldn't she was her "just a friend" to know about her awesome, unique boyfriend? What do I do? Will she do it again? Is it fair for me to stay and let her think everything is perfect knowing this is eating me up?

August 6, 2010

Yes, she will do it again.

This woman cheated on her husband with you and now she's cheating on you with someone else. She knows how to lie, when to pour on those big crocodile tears to suit her best. She knows how to manipulate, and hide the truth.

Sadly for you, the pain you are feeling now, is probably very close to what her husband felt when he realized she was cheating on him.

She has a certain pattern going and she takes the easy way out (by cheating) instead of communicating her needs and being honest/open, she does the opposite.

August 6, 2010

=OnMyOwn619;2926939]

That nothing ever happened between them.

ummmm, yes, it did...

I love you I'd never lie to you.

ummmm, she already lied... she's a liar. she even lies about her lies.

We live together now.

big mistake.

I love her to death.

big mistake again.

She loves me.

her actions don't show love. her words - maybe - her actions = nope. when words and actions don't match they look like your scenario.

Everything is good but I have to admit
I'm having serious trust issues.

you SHOULD have serious issues. this woman puts your healthy and peace of mind at risk and you should be DAMN MAD! why aren't you?

She's so good to me.

no - she's not good to you - she lies and cheats then expects you to believe she doesn't because you LOVE her.

I do them because I'm trying to make sure I never give her a cause to cheat on me.

YOU, my friend, can not keep her from cheating - i can guarantee you that! stop trying to please her when she's cheated on you.

She does a lot to show me she loves me (she bought me an iPad for no reason other than the fact I'm an Apple nerd)

that's a bribe. i'll buy you an ipad - and you don't have to ever worry about ME cheating. why are you taking gifts in leu of cheating?

She swears she was just trying to be friends with him but is that really possible?

no. it's not possible when she had sex with him. i don't screw my friends. i screw a man i'm in love with.

Will she do it again?

probably!!!! i'd be willing to bet money she's still doing it now.

Is it fair for me to stay and let her think everything is perfect knowing this is eating me up?

no!!! start by being honest and tell her she's exhibiting trampy behavior that put your healthy at risk. tell her she can't be trusted - that's earned. tell her you're not gonna take it anymore! show some self respect!

August 6, 2010

Doesn't look good to me. I think you know the answer but don't want to admit it to yourself. I've been there so I can understand, but denial never changes the truth.

August 6, 2010

All

Thanks for the advice. Just to be clear, everything that happened with this guy was before me. His e-mail to her that messed me up started out with, "Hey I thought you fell off the face of the planet" so it wasn't an ongoing e-mail exchange. I don't check her e-mails any more (even though I have full access) but I'm sure she hasn't contacted him since telling him she wouldn't (I didn't demand or ask that she do that). She said she couldn't tell me about it because she didn't want me to look down on her.

I'm going to throw some defense in her direction but it's not out of total naiveness. She's not a bad person. She was very unhappy for a long time. Me and her H have had talks and he told me he wishes he could take back the stuff he told her. He's the one who told me about telling her he never loved her. He's the one who told me he told her if she didn't start having sex more often he'd find it somewhere else. He admitted he didn't appreciate her until he realized she could be successful without him (graduated college, good job, etc.). She's tried explaining to me that she was just so unhappy that it felt good getting attention. She's told me her regrets and has begged me to not judge her based on her past. I'm not making excuses for her, I know I've done some things I wish I could erase. When we're together it's awesome. We can have as good of a time in Vegas as we do curled up watching a movie on the couch. It's when she's not around that my mind is racing.

My health hasn't suffered (maybe a few sleepless hours). In fact, his e-mail to her about the half marathon is what prompted me to get back into running (I hate that he shares a passion with her that I didn't). But everyone is right. Denial or just taking a leap of faith, I'm sure I know how this will end. It's just that the two of us have made too many huge life decisions to just cut ties and walk away. This is an area of contention for her as well as me. There are times she could read it all over me (very few) and she's said, "I hate that you know certain things about me". We never mention what those things are but, what can I say? I mean, am I a better person when I got involved with her while she was married? Not at all.

It's a very complex situation and like I said, I do love her. Just needed outside advice I guess. Good to finally get it off my chest and have people respond.

August 6, 2010

Doesn't look good to me. I think you know the answer but don't want to admit it to yourself. I've been there so I can understand, but denial never changes the truth.

So true!

I hope you can find the strength and courage to face up to what you don't want to see.

August 6, 2010

All

Thanks for the advice. Just to be clear, everything that happened with this guy was before me. His e-mail to her that messed me up started out with, "Hey I thought you fell off the face of the planet" so it wasn't an ongoing e-mail exchange. I don't check her e-mails any more (even though I have full access) but I'm sure she hasn't contacted him since telling him she wouldn't (I didn't demand or ask that she do that). She said she couldn't tell me about it because she didn't want me to look down on her.

I'm going to throw some defense in her direction but it's not out of total naiveness. She's not a bad person. She was very unhappy for a long time. Me and her H have had talks and he told me he wishes he could take back the stuff he told her. He's the one who told me about telling her he never loved her. He's the one who told me he told her if she didn't start having sex more often he'd find it somewhere else. He admitted he didn't appreciate her until he realized she could be successful without him (graduated college, good job, etc.). She's tried explaining to me that she was just so unhappy that it felt good getting attention. She's told me her regrets and has begged me to not judge her based on her past. I'm not making excuses for her, I know I've done some things I wish I could erase. When we're together it's awesome. We can have as good of a time in Vegas as we do curled up watching a movie on the couch. It's when she's not around that my mind is racing.

My health hasn't suffered (maybe a few sleepless hours). In fact, his e-mail to her about the half marathon is what prompted me to get back into running (I hate that he shares a passion with her that I didn't). But everyone is right. Denial or just taking a leap of faith, I'm sure I know how this will end. It's just that the two of us have made too many huge life decisions to just cut ties and walk away. This is an area of contention for her as well as me. There are times she could read it all over me (very few) and she's said, "I hate that you know certain things about me". We never mention what those things are but, what can I say? I mean, am I a better person when I got involved with her while she was married? Not at all.

It's a very complex situation and like I said, I do love her. Just needed outside advice I guess. Good to finally get it off my chest and have people respond.

so let me get this straight. ALL her correspondence with this guy was before you started seeing her?

even IF that is the case - was she seeing him while she was married?

also - wasn't she seeing YOU while she was married?

if i still have it right - she is a cheater. not just once. she has a pattern. your gut tells you what you should be facing as the truth - yet you deny what is real.

i would suggest you open your eyes. you are living with a known cheat - and she is depending upon you to go along with her program. is that good enough for you?

as long as you don't mind living and loving a gal that will always cheat on you - you are good to go!

August 6, 2010

To the readers, let me apologize for the grammar mistakes in the original text. With such a small box to type in there were some mistakes. My next posts, I'll type in MS Word to make sure their more legible.

@2Sunny: No, not all the correspondence was before me. There was the string of e-mails after we were together that I saw. She never responded to his, let's get naked again comments but she DID respond... and she didn't mention me. No, I don't deny what is real. I just hope that people can change and that she has changed. I wouldn't be okay with her carrying on an emotional or physical affair with someone else. If that was the case, I wouldn't have moved in with her. She did write the dude the day I found out and told him all about us (she CC'd me on the e-mail) and asked that he never contact her again.

I do appreciate the responses. Even the ones that are hard to read. I've Google'd the scenario and the usual response is, "it was her past" or "she's with you now". The responses I got here let me know I'm not entirely crazy for feeling the way I do.

August 6, 2010

In hindsight, the first clue she offered you was when she said this, "The first guy to want to give her the courage to leave him for good (even if we never stayed together... just the possibilities she now had)"

Just the first, the first of many to come. If she saw you as the One, she would not have said, "...even if we never stayed together" She hasn't given up the desire to be the Goddess, adored by all men and available for them. She clues you into that when she says, "...just the possibilities she now had".

My friend, dump her and find a relationship where cheating is not the foundation or the temptation.

August 6, 2010

Thanks Onto, she didn't state what was in parenthesis, that was me adding in my two-cents to maybe make myself feel better in that she was unhappy and left him so she can be happy and not for me/because of anything I did (I doubt I'm that special).

August 6, 2010

she still lied straight to your face. she lied because she cheated and she covered her tracks - or she thought she did. until you let her know you already knew.

how does that make you feel? why are you willing to ignore such blatant offenses?

so you now know she will cheat and lie about it... how do YOU trust that?

we can't change her... only YOU. what is it you want here? we can't tell you much - except if this is what she's done in her past - she will most likely do it again. that is fact.

what is it YOU can do? to turn a blind eye - that doesn't seem to solve the problem.

August 6, 2010

you are in the heart of a great area. be good to yourself. find a gal that you never need to wonder about. there are many out there...and there are many in your area too.

for you to hand over your peace of mind - whether yo love her or not - isn't showing that you are healthy emotionally.

even after 20 years of marriage - i had a boundary to which my then husband crossed. i ended it - it wasn't worth wondering if he was capable of changing when he showed such a pattern - and lots of lies and deceptive behavior he liked to cover up.

looking back, i got lots of crazy good gifts - but if i'm honest - i would bet i received them when HE felt guilt for things he was doing behind my back. i loved him dearly... let me rephrase that, i loved the man i THOUGHT he was capable of being - but not the man he actually was. when the truth was known - he was a very awful husband. the truth was very freeing and painful at the same time.

i gave up a fantastic life style. i don't miss it - because the compromises that came weren't worth it.

was it worth it? yep. my peace of mind is worth everything - and i won't willingly hand it over for someone to disregard what value i find in that.

August 6, 2010

Thanks for the continued replies. I understand there can be secret accounts (for instance I opened up a Yahoo account to open up this LoveShack profile) but I'm just talking about the ones I know exist. 2sunny, I understand it's my decision I'm just looking for someone to tell me I'm not being unreasonable for feeling this way.

About a week after it happened I was pretty disconnected, we were talking on chat. I kept asking why. Like Finally_Free said, was it keeping an option open? That was something I asked her. I asked her if there was something I could have done different then I logged off without waiting for a reply and she sent me the following e-mail and I haven't brought it up since: (A, if you've happened to stumble across this site and this thread then you'll recognize this is your letter and this thread is about you... if that day ever comes lets talk)

"baby, I'm sorry. you did nothing wrong. Nothing. I should never have sent the email. I don't even know why I did. I want to forget about that part of my life. I never wanted you to know about him. I hate that you even know that about me. I didn't send the email to keep him in my life. I swear, that when I say it was meant as a friendly, how are things email. That was it. Since the day we have been together, not once has it ever crossed my mind to be with anybody else. You, your love is all I need. Baby everything we talked about that day, I want all of it. I want to have a baby with you. I want to be married, and spend every day of the rest of our lives together. I gave you my heart, and I meant it when I said my heart stops with you. I'm sorry you read what you did. I'm sorry, I didn't mention you to him. I'm soooo sorry I lied. I'm sorry I hurt you. But I swear I will do what I can to make the pain go away, and let you know you are my one and only. You are my heart, my love, my forever. Nobody else."

Is she being sincere? Was it a mistake that she regrets? I hope so. I just wish I could stop thinking about it.

August 6, 2010

Thanks for the continued replies. I understand there can be secret accounts (for instance I opened up a Yahoo account to open up this LoveShack profile) but I'm just talking about the ones I know exist. 2sunny, I understand it's my decision I'm just looking for someone to tell me I'm not being unreasonable for feeling this way.

About a week after it happened I was pretty disconnected, we were talking on chat. I kept asking why. Like Finally_Free said, was it keeping an option open? That was something I asked her. I asked her if there was something I could have done different then I logged off without waiting for a reply and she sent me the following e-mail and I haven't brought it up since: (A, if you've happened to stumble across this site and this thread then you'll recognize this is your letter and this thread is about you... if that day ever comes lets talk)

"baby, I'm sorry. you did nothing wrong. Nothing. I should never have sent the email. I don't even know why I did. I want to forget about that part of my life. I never wanted you to know about him. I hate that you even know that about me. I didn't send the email to keep him in my life. I swear, that when I say it was meant as a friendly, how are things email. That was it. Since the day we have been together, not once has it ever crossed my mind to be with anybody else. You, your love is all I need. Baby everything we talked about that day, I want all of it. I want to have a baby with you. I want to be married, and spend every day of the rest of our lives together. I gave you my heart, and I meant it when I said my heart stops with you. I'm sorry you read what you did. I'm sorry, I didn't mention you to him. I'm soooo sorry I lied. I'm sorry I hurt you. But I swear I will do what I can to make the pain go away, and let you know you are my one and only. You are my heart, my love, my forever. Nobody else."

Is she being sincere? Was it a mistake that she regrets? I hope so. I just wish I could stop thinking about it.

is she sincere? ahahaha, she thought she was being sincere when she lied straight to your face. how can we know if she's sincere... she may not even know.

you can't stop thinking about it because something is off and you already know it.

you have two choices:

stop being her doormat. get rid of the cheater.

put up with it - put a smile on your face and pretend everyday like you don't wonder about anything.

which do you choose?

August 6, 2010

I guess time will tell, won't it? It seems like you want to believe her, because you love her. But, the thing is, is what you have with her "healthy" love? You say when she isn't around, your mind is racing.. So basically you don't trust her. How is it going to work every time she walks out the door, or makes a phone call and is hanging up as you walk in the house, you wonder.

Her actions have shown you (in the present tense, not past tense) something different than what she's telling you.

Please re-read my earlier post to you. SHE IS GOOD at lying and knows how to manipulate, and when to turn on the tears, make you feel bad by giving a guilt trip to make you feel sorry for her. I know it's hard to be objective since you're the midst of this, but take a step back and ask yourself "if this were my bestfriend going through this" what advice would you give him?

August 7, 2010

Whichwayisup/2sunny

Thank you for all of your replies. I know I keep defending her but I have read and re-read everything many times. Like I said, the reason I posted here in the first place was because I was tired of seeing what other websites were saying to similar situations and was hoping for a different perspective. You guys gave me a different perspective all the way around.

I'm just trying to explain everything as thoroughly as possible. Doormat wouldn't be the right term. I understand what you were saying about your husband lavishing gifts on you and how he may have been trying to ease his guilty conscience but there are times when she's good to me after we've had a good weekend together. My commute is 10 mins and hers is over an hour (a choice she made to live with me). Usually when she gets home I have dinner ready for her and the kids (teaching myself how to cook healthy, whole grains, fresh veggies, chicken breast and ground white turkey). Yesterday she took half the day off, beat me home, made reservations at a super fancy restaurant, took me dancing, all this without provocation or allowing me to pay for a thing. Said she just wanted to show me she appreciates everything I do for her (what all bfs do no?). When I say she's a good gf, I really mean that. We've known each other over a year and this e-mail incident was the ONLY incident that ever happened like this. Other than that one thing this has been the best relationship I've ever been in.

So what am I doing on this website? I don't know. Looking for answers I already know. Hoping someone will tell me I'm not being completely unreasonable. I really want this relationship to work I just don't know what I can do to get past this.

August 7, 2010

Whichwayisup/2sunny

Thank you for all of your replies. I know I keep defending her but I have read and re-read everything many times. Like I said, the reason I posted here in the first place was because I was tired of seeing what other websites were saying to similar situations and was hoping for a different perspective. You guys gave me a different perspective all the way around.

I'm just trying to explain everything as thoroughly as possible. Doormat wouldn't be the right term. I understand what you were saying about your husband lavishing gifts on you and how he may have been trying to ease his guilty conscience but there are times when she's good to me after we've had a good weekend together. My commute is 10 mins and hers is over an hour (a choice she made to live with me). Usually when she gets home I have dinner ready for her and the kids (teaching myself how to cook healthy, whole grains, fresh veggies, chicken breast and ground white turkey). Yesterday she took half the day off, beat me home, made reservations at a super fancy restaurant, took me dancing, all this without provocation or allowing me to pay for a thing. Said she just wanted to show me she appreciates everything I do for her (what all bfs do no?). When I say she's a good gf, I really mean that. We've known each other over a year and this e-mail incident was the ONLY incident that ever happened like this. Other than that one thing this has been the best relationship I've ever been in.

So what am I doing on this website? I don't know. Looking for answers I already know. Hoping someone will tell me I'm not being completely unreasonable. I really want this relationship to work I just don't know what I can do to get past this.

ok. i understand. ignore your gut then. go be happy with her.

what are the answers you already know? why would you ask if you already know. people don't generally present evidence... then try that hard to talk everyone out of the obvious evidence.

you have the evidence too. choose to ignore it all you want, that is YOUR choice. be happy.

Edited August 7, 2010 by 2sunny

August 7, 2010

i'm always amazed at what a gal or guy can get away with when they "act nice" after knowing they did bad.

to be overly sweet, buy gifts and go out to nice restaurants is so obvious to a person sitting on the sidelines. next up = mini vacation...

start checking on her. seriously. keylogger, voice activated recorder in her car, check email ad phone bills, check her texts on her phone.

since you continue to wonder = start checking. she's showing typical guilty behavior.

August 7, 2010

Hey all, thanks for reading. This will be a fairly long post because it's been something that's been eating up since May.

Last August I had just gotten out of a bad marriage. I had started a new job and wasn't looking forward to it because I had recently quit a job I loved in an attempt to salvage the failing marriage. It didn't work. Anyway, I met this married woman on the job and we both had a lot in common. Her career was one I had done while I was in the military and although it was no longer my job to do, I gave her input and was able to help her productivity, take some of the load off of her, etc. We hit it off and became good friends fairly quickly. Chatting all day on the work IM, going to lunch, gym time, etc.
She described a unhappy 8 year marriage in which at the beginning the H was controlling, constantly leaving her to fend for her son alone while he was pursuing wild career options, which at one point he walked in a told her he never loved her. I think the H had a change of heart the last few years because before anything developed between the two of us, she told me he was really trying to rectify his past wrongs. Spontaneously buying her flowers, taking her to dinner, thoughtful things that women say they want but maybe it was already too late. As these things happen the friendship eventually developed into more.

She would tell me how unique I was, an attractive guy (me?) with a well paying job, MBA, relateable career, etc. and how I was the first guy who showed her she could be happy again. The first guy to want to give her the courage to leave him for good (even if we never stayed together... just the possibilities she now had). She ended up leaving him in Nov and her and I came out to the families soon afterwards. Life is good no?

Okay so here's where the trouble started for us, in May. Let me preface this with saying, yes I read her e-mail. Yes I shouldn't have. However, she has access to my e-mail (both work and personal) and my FB and yes, she too has checked mine as well (and called me out on a few things but nothing damming... I honestly have zero problem with her having access to all of my accounts because I have absolutely nothing to hide.

She was about to start a new job and we were both excited waiting for the offer letter to come in. While she was in a meeting with her former employer (yes she got the new job... congrats on her promotion). I was checking her email every 10 mins to see if the offer letter had arrived (I was excited for her as it was a huge promotion). During one of the checks there was a new email from a guy who I didn't recognize (we both integrated into each others social circles extensively).

The email was fairly innocent. I was about to just close it until I read the last few paragraphs. In it the guy was describing how he and his wife had just finished a half marathon together but he hated every minute of it because she was "soooooooo slow". Then he goes onto describe how he hopes to run it with my GF next time. I trace the e-mail below. She had written him an e-mail that was outwardly friendly. Catching him up on her life. Things she was doing. New job possibility. Her son getting bigger. The split with the H. Lots of information but ABSOLUTELY no mention of me. I found that slightly odd (since I can't not mention her to my friends when I'm talking about the going-ons of my life) so I read the e-mail down a little further.

The guy's previous e-mail he finished it off by telling her how "amazing" she was and how "in-sync" the two of them were when they were together. He tells her he says the messages on her FB wall (my messages) and he's "dying to comment but understands he can't" so he'll "wait for her to spring back" and how awesome it would have been to have been able to "spend the whole day naked" and they should "plan for it".

I was crushed. Literally it was like someone had hit me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me. I marked the message as unread and got up and left the office early that day. She calls me later and is asking why I wasn't at work and I told her I couldn't stay there. She immediately sensed something was wrong because that was very out of character for me. I tried to tell her it was nothing. She starts digging and it doesn't take long before everything starts to spill out. She asks if I had read her e-mail. I pretended I didn't know what she was talking about. She starts telling me it was fine if I had read it because he was just an old friend she had met on a business trip. That nothing ever happened between them. "Baby seriously, nothing ever happened. I love you I'd never lie to you. You were the first person to ever make me feel desired, etc." She starts telling me how unique I was and all the things guys want to think their girls actually feel that way about them.

She sounded so calm and collected, it hurt to hear her lie to me that way. I finally couldn't take it anymore and confronted her. I said, "then why is he dying to comment on the messages I leave you on FB? Why is he waiting for you to spring back to him? Why does he say it sure would have been awesome to spend the entire day naked together? Why does he think it's something you two should plan for? Is it because to him I'm no different than Mike? Just another schlub in your life that he knows can't hold a candle to him?" The phone was quiet for a long time.

She finally burst into tears and starts apologizing. She didn't realize the e-mail had the trail in there. I'm like, I get it that you weren't happy in your marriage. I get it that you were angry at Mike but why lie and tell me things that weren't true? Why not just not say anything? Why keep in touch with this dude? Better yet, why keep in touch with this dude and not say one word about me? It was a rough conversation. It goes a lot further, even finding out there was a one-night stand besides this guy (since then I've discovered the possibility of more but frankly, I don't want to know), and I'll just say it was resolved. However, something changed that day. Even though we started off with a cracked foundation (the affair) we both made drastic changes to show we were committed to one another (I left my job, COI with our relationship, and she left her husband) but something still feels out of place now.

We live together now. I love her to death. Her family has taken my son and me into their arms wide open. I tell her son he has a good father and I'm not trying to replace him but he knows I treat him as good as my own son. She loves me. Everything is good but I have to admit I'm having serious trust issues. I keep them bottled up and nobody outside of the people who have read this know my inner demons. I love this girl so much. She's so good to me. I want to be the perfect boyfriend for her. I got back into running (because she's passionate about it... back to 4 miles a day... maybe her and I can do the half together next year), I cook her dinner every night, help with dishes and chores, pay the bills on-time, remind her how beautiful she is every morning. I do these things for two reasons. One because I love doing them for her. I'm in love with her. The second is more insidious. I do them because I'm trying to make sure I never give her a cause to cheat on me. Not that I think she will but she's more than capable of it. She's very beautiful and guys are constantly checking her out even when I'm with her.
It's a hard thing. She's very appreciative of me. She does a lot to show me she loves me (she bought me an iPad for no reason other than the fact I'm an Apple nerd) and things are great outwardly.

Inwardly I'm torn up. It was the cold nonchalantness of the lies to me when she tried to convince me nothing had happened. The "you are unique" and "you were the first guy to come along" lies. When I hold her at night the last thought in my head is, "was this how he held her" and it bothers me that I feel this way. The not mentioning me to him and responding after he mocked the comments I leave her in his e-mail to her. She swears she was just trying to be friends with him but is that really possible? If it is possible and it was true, then why didn't she mention me? Wouldn't she was her "just a friend" to know about her awesome, unique boyfriend? What do I do? Will she do it again? Is it fair for me to stay and let her think everything is perfect knowing this is eating me up?

Sorry, but I think it is beyond stupid to give ANYONE access to your BUSINESS/WORK email. That is an account for YOU as an employee -- not for you and your girlfriend. I do not get why some people believe that others need to have access to company email that they don't work for - talk about inappropriate and basically illegal.....

I don't get WHY people must have access to others PERSONAL email. Just because you are with someone doesn't mean you LOSE yourself. Does my H have my email password for my personal email? Probably - it is on a list of passwords that we keep for various things (banking, email, voicemail, certain websites, etc). Does my H ever check my email? Hell no. It wouldn't dawn on me to check HIS email.... unless of course I don't trust him.

And that is what it boils down to. If someone needs / must check someone else's email, there is NO trust. If someone needs to check someone else's voicemail or text messages, there is NO trust.

Without trust, there is NO relationship.

Sorry, but your "girlfriend" sounds like she loves the ego boost she gets from various men. I don't buy the whole "her former H was mean to her so she is insecure". That's crap, IMHO. She has a mind of her own. She is making a conscious choice to NOT mention you to this guy.

And YOU - you are wrapping your entire life around this girl. You are making yourself her twin. If you think taping yourself to her is going to 'not make her cheat', then you are mistaken.

If she can't be faithful to you without you beside her each step of the way, then it really isn't a relationship is it?

=OnMyOwn619;2926939]

ummmm, yes, it did...

ummmm, she already lied... she's a liar. she even lies about her lies.

big mistake.

big mistake again.

her actions don't show love. her words - maybe - her actions = nope. when words and actions don't match they look like your scenario.

you SHOULD have serious issues. this woman puts your healthy and peace of mind at risk and you should be DAMN MAD! why aren't you?

no - she's not good to you - she lies and cheats then expects you to believe she doesn't because you LOVE her.

YOU, my friend, can not keep her from cheating - i can guarantee you that! stop trying to please her when she's cheated on you.

that's a bribe. i'll buy you an ipad - and you don't have to ever worry about ME cheating. why are you taking gifts in leu of cheating?

no. it's not possible when she had sex with him. i don't screw my friends. i screw a man i'm in love with.

probably!!!! i'd be willing to bet money she's still doing it now.

no!!! start by being honest and tell her she's exhibiting trampy behavior that put your healthy at risk. tell her she can't be trusted - that's earned. tell her you're not gonna take it anymore! show some self respect!

Good post!

August 7, 2010

If I were betting on this race...I wouldn't put my money on her to be faithful at all.