Having problems with 1st relationship.

[aznvibe]

Hello, I am currently having some issues with myself and as well the relationship i am in. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about my feelings and i am a person that finds it very hard to open up to.

 

Lately, i have been suffering from a lot of depression and anxiety, Ive been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year and half now. The first few months were the most amazing times in my life. But now, things just haven't been the same. We keep fighting and it causes me to explode (anger issues). I have caused a lot of damage to myself and sometimes i think i should just leave her.

 

I haven't been really good with women, I am in my 20s and this is my first girlfriend. In the very beginning she had a boyfriend, I respected that, and did not make any moves on her. Instead it seemed like she was coming on to me, which of course I liked. Eventually she broke off her 2-year relationship to be with me. When her and I were hitting it off, friends and even my sister would tell me to be careful and tell me she's a slut. But I could not see it in her, she was kind, smart, and just didn't seem like that kind of a girl. As a few months went on I really fell for her, and decided to ask her out.

 

Like I said the first few months were AMAZING!! then one of the nights, i asked her why would they call you a slut? is there anything i should know? and she said she didn't want to lie to me and told me that she had done sexual things with a person that i disliked! Of course i was ticked off, and disgusted but she would told me it was a mistake and she regrets doing it, and she has changed.

 

So i tried to forget about it, but still haven't, it haunts me every night . As things started to pass on and I forgot about it, a guy's name popped up in conversation and one of her friends was teasing her saying "o0o0o". So again i was curious what that was about and she told me she used to like that guy. and for some reason i had the nerve to ask did u have sex with him? and she didnt want to lie and told me that she did.

 

She has also told me that a long time ago she got pregnant and had an abortion with one of her boyfriends, which really turns me off.

 

So basically what im' trying to say is Im having trouble getting over these past boyfriends and sexual encounters, one main reason is because I havent really had any girlfriends or dont have any experience in sex. She always tells me that its times in her life she is not proud of. and i can tell shee reallly LOVES me.. but Its really hard when i keep having these images in my mind of other guys doing her. IT really makes sex uncomfortable for me as well, Sometimes i think i should have listened to my friends, but i reallly, really, really think she is a good person and i feel so compatible with her. I dont have any trust issues, I do trust her i just wish things didnt happen the way it did especially when reputation is very important to me and i dont want anyone finding out about bad things about my girlfriend.

 

I can tell she is frustrated and shes doing her best to help me, but i cant get over it, i feel as though i need to go out and expereince other people? but i dont know what to do, I am not a cheater, and am a loyal boyfriend.

 

I have an appointment to meet with a psychiatrist about my problems and my depression but not for another month, I just really want to hear what people think about my situation and some advice and criticism would be much appreciated. Thank You!

[Untouchable_Fire]

I can tell she is frustrated and shes doing her best to help me, but i cant get over it, i feel as though i need to go out and expereince other people? but i dont know what to do, I am not a cheater, and am a loyal boyfriend.

I have an appointment to meet with a psychiatrist about my problems and my depression but not for another month, I just really want to hear what people think about my situation and some advice and criticism would be much appreciated. Thank You!

 

The problem is simply that you don't have much experience, and that gap bothers you.

 

You clearly like the girl and she has made some attempt at honesty.

 

Here is a suggestion that may help you. Just consider this relationship something for fun... and don't think of it as anything permanent. That should relieve many of the issues your facing.

 

Chances are she is going to dump you or cheat on you at some point anyway... why bother getting worked up over this stuff now? Just enjoy the experience while it lasts.

[neversure]

You are in your 20's and it is 2010. There are not really going to be many encounters with virgins at that age, honestly. Maybe your problem might not be with the fact that she has had sexual encounters with other people, maybe it was the lying about it. Sometimes lying does more damage then anything else in a relationship. And the abortion situation, at least she told you and you should decied if you can look past that or if your personal views are to strong to ignor. Your still young though and I am pretty sure that no matter what you choose you will be OK.

[kalikula]

She's being honest with you by telling you that she had an abortion. That's VERY personal information and you should not judge her so harshly for it. I don't see what she's even done wrong here, besides have sex with guys...

 

It seems to me you are bothered because she has more experience than you, and you either need to get over it or break up.

 

If you keep thinking about it then you're probably going to have to break up. You need to let it go!

[aznvibe]

The problem is simply that you don't have much experience, and that gap bothers you.

 

You clearly like the girl and she has made some attempt at honesty.

 

Here is a suggestion that may help you. Just consider this relationship something for fun... and don't think of it as anything permanent. That should relieve many of the issues your facing.

 

Chances are she is going to dump you or cheat on you at some point anyway... why bother getting worked up over this stuff now? Just enjoy the experience while it lasts.

 

Thats what i have been trying to do, but even though i am young and in my 20s i really would like to settle down and start a family to be honest. I feel like she would be a suitable spouse and i have met her family and they all seem to like me. Im not saying ive decided that she is the one, but i feel like shes a possibility and i know she feels the same way.

 

Should we maybe take a break? that is something we considered before but never followed through. And do you actually believe she is going to dump / cheat on me? even after she says things have changed? cuz she has gone through some depressing stuff as well when she opened to me.

[aznvibe]

It seems to me you are bothered because she has more experience than you, and you either need to get over it or break up.

 

If you keep thinking about it then you're probably going to have to break up. You need to let it go!

 

How doo i get over it? She means a lot to mee, There will be times where i forget about it and im happy and just living life, and then something will remind me of it and then the cycle continues...

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thats what i have been trying to do, but even though i am young and in my 20s i really would like to settle down and start a family to be honest. I feel like she would be a suitable spouse and i have met her family and they all seem to like me. Im not saying ive decided that she is the one, but i feel like shes a possibility and i know she feels the same way.

Should we maybe take a break? that is something we considered before but never followed through. And do you actually believe she is going to dump / cheat on me? even after she says things have changed? cuz she has gone through some depressing stuff as well when she opened to me.

 

No, don't take a break. Just sit back and enjoy it for what it is... a fun but probably dead end relationship.

 

When I was very young I married a girl just like that. It was without doubt the worst decision of my life.

 

Slutty girls have huge emotional issues.... do you think that they just vanish one day? Gimme a break. Don't buy into all that "I'm a changed woman" crap. I did and it did not work out well for me.

 

What I found was that when she became my wife... that she no longer felt the need to have sex to keep me around. I tried EVERYTHING.... and I mean that, but nothing helped long term.

 

Not too long ago I dated another "reformed" slutty girl. 2 years in I catch her cheating....

 

Sorry guy.... but those girls don't change. As they say... hos don't make good housewives.

 

Also... the abortion issue shows that she takes the easy way out of responsibilities. I would consider that a HUGE red flag in terms of character.

[aznvibe]

No, don't take a break. Just sit back and enjoy it for what it is... a fun but probably dead end relationship.

 

When I was very young I married a girl just like that. It was without doubt the worst decision of my life.

 

Slutty girls have huge emotional issues.... do you think that they just vanish one day? Gimme a break. Don't buy into all that "I'm a changed woman" crap. I did and it did not work out well for me.

 

What I found was that when she became my wife... that she no longer felt the need to have sex to keep me around. I tried EVERYTHING.... and I mean that, but nothing helped long term.

 

Not too long ago I dated another "reformed" slutty girl. 2 years in I catch her cheating....

 

Sorry guy.... but those girls don't change. As they say... hos don't make good housewives.

 

Also... the abortion issue shows that she takes the easy way out of responsibilities. I would consider that a HUGE red flag in terms of character.

 

Dayum.. sorry to hear thatt.. ahhh man i really dont know what to do. But ill take your word for it and try to have fun and not stress as much. I think another reason why I'm so attached to her is im afraid of being alone, cuz like i said im not very good at attracting women.

 

But ill make sure to be careful and keep my eye out. I just wish things went the way i want for once. ahh but what can u do. =/

[Untouchable_Fire]

Dayum.. sorry to hear thatt.. ahhh man i really dont know what to do. But ill take your word for it and try to have fun and not stress as much. I think another reason why I'm so attached to her is im afraid of being alone, cuz like i said im not very good at attracting women.

But ill make sure to be careful and keep my eye out. I just wish things went the way i want for once. ahh but what can u do. =/

 

Well you got her... so clearly your not that bad at attracting women.

 

Seriously... if your afraid to lose her... then you will lose her.

[aznvibe]

Well you got her... so clearly your not that bad at attracting women.

 

Seriously... if your afraid to lose her... then you will lose her.

 

 

Im not necessarily afraid of losing her, I'm just afraid of my reputation... i dont want anyone knowing what she's done... i feel almost as if im ashamed of her.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Im not necessarily afraid of losing her, I'm just afraid of my reputation... i dont want anyone knowing what she's done... i feel almost as if im ashamed of her.

 

Then don't marry her. Your having sex frequently right? At least 3 times a week or more. That should be your best gauge of how much she likes you.

 

What kind of reputation issues do you worry about?

 

I mean I agree with you... if there are guys I know and don't like that a girl slept with... I won't take her seriously either. It makes me feel like I'm willing to accept this other guys sloppy seconds.

[AverageJoe]

Thats what i have been trying to do, but even though i am young and in my 20s i really would like to settle down and start a family to be honest.

 

Good lord. What the hell is the damn hurry? Are you not going to college? Why do you feel the need to be in a relationship? Do you not have any future career aspiratons?

[aznvibe]

Good lord. What the hell is the damn hurry? Are you not going to college? Why do you feel the need to be in a relationship? Do you not have any future career aspiratons?

 

i do i do.. im not planning to get married until im done school. but it wud be nice to know that she is the one some day.

[aznvibe]

Then don't marry her. Your having sex frequently right? At least 3 times a week or more. That should be your best gauge of how much she likes you.

 

What kind of reputation issues do you worry about?

 

I mean I agree with you... if there are guys I know and don't like that a girl slept with... I won't take her seriously either. It makes me feel like I'm willing to accept this other guys sloppy seconds.

 

yeah that is what it sounds like.. but iunno the guy that i hate i try to avoid as much as possible.. i feel like one day we might get into a dispute and hell pull the "i had sex iwth ur girl" line on me.. and who knows what ill do.

 

but she really is special to me... and sex well ive been kind of disregarding it recently because thats not all i want from her.. she has everything i need in a woman its just these few issues that bother me... if these incidents hadnt occured she would be "perfect". she has poured her soul out to me and thats a connection i dont want to just think of as a fling... I know things about her that nobody elsee knows and that goes the same with her.

[aznvibe]

 

What kind of reputation issues do you worry about?

 

i just worry about people seeing her as a bad person, and no man ever wants to hear those things about his lady, I want everyone to like her and be jealous taht i have a good thing going for me.

 

Theres only a small circle of friends that know about her "incidents" which arent my close friends, i just hate how people gossip and talk ****, when they dont know the truth and how it feels to the person you know?

[AverageJoe]

i do i do.. im not planning to get married until im done school. but it wud be nice to know that she is the one some day.

 

The one someday? Knock it off. Pal, your first girlfriend and someday she's the one? Compared to who, you are going to direct your life according to her drumbeat?

 

My suggestion to you is to focus on college and get your career going before even thinking of marriage! I dont think anyone should be in a serious relationship at your age.

Not until your dream is realized or having a particular profession. You dont need to put any stones around your neck while your trying to get a degree and become successful at something. Instead your diddling around with your girlfriend.

 

You said this "she has everything i need in a woman". How do you know! She is your first girlfriend.

 

My suggestion to you is break it off, clear the decks and move on.

 

Then when you have your career going and successful you will have your pick of the litter.

[Dblock10]

How doo i get over it? She means a lot to mee, There will be times where i forget about it and im happy and just living life, and then something will remind me of it and then the cycle continues...

 

let it go, who cares what her past is. the present is with you. you are both healthy and enjoy each other. thats all there is to it. stop worrying about it.

 

and dont feel like you need to experience other people that will come, i doubt you will be together forever.

 

live in the now not past or future

 

follow your own path not hers, if she follows your path great if not, then someone else will.. catch my flow bro

[aznvibe]

Okay.. thanks everyone for helping me out.. I never had anyone to talk to about this stuff, which is a reason why i signed up to this forum. Its true i am not obviously ready to get married.. i think im just all caught up in the whole daze cuz a lot of my friends are getting married. It is too young and i wasnt thinking about it for a looong time. i just wanna find someone to be with.. just like everyone else. it is my first girlfriend, and before herr I didnt even caree about girls that much... Ive lost my self and i wanna thank everyone for helping regain myself. im just gonna live life and live in the present like what dblock says. Cuz really i think the problem is just me being scared of the future, i wanted insurance. But i think i know what i have to do ....

[Dblock10]

Okay.. thanks everyone for helping me out.. I never had anyone to talk to about this stuff, which is a reason why i signed up to this forum. Its true i am not obviously ready to get married.. i think im just all caught up in the whole daze cuz a lot of my friends are getting married. It is too young and i wasnt thinking about it for a looong time. i just wanna find someone to be with.. just like everyone else. it is my first girlfriend, and before herr I didnt even caree about girls that much... Ive lost my self and i wanna thank everyone for helping regain myself. im just gonna live life and live in the present like what dblock says. Cuz really i think the problem is just me being scared of the future, i wanted insurance. But i think i know what i have to do ....

 

nice. i like it when someone benefits from everyones help. I could have done with this forum a long long time ago. I am 24 now and lost my first girlfriend because of uncertainties. since then (4 years ago) I have been trying to figure it all out..

 

it's awesome reading through some of these topics. I only wish i knew what i know now back then, but even now I am still learning!

[Onto]

You shouldn't even care what people think, or your image. It sounds to me that you may not be good enough for her and she deserves better.

[AverageJoe]

You shouldn't even care what people think, or your image.

 

Correct.

 

sounds to me that you may not be good enough for her and she deserves better.

 

Complete BS!

[blueberries]

aznvibe, i understand where you're coming from and what you mean when you say you don't want people to see your gf in a bad light. i'm assuming you're asian by your username...and i'm also going to assume you're conservative based on your posts.

 

and we know, asians like to gossip and criticize, especially when you hang in a small circle. everyone is up in everyone's business. but you have to also remember that, to asian people, if they see a girl drinking alcohol, they'll say "omg she's such a bad ass, she's drinking!", if they see the same girl going out on a date with a guy, they'll say "omg she's going out with a male, she's probably a slut!" my point is, your friends and family are going to be critical. every rumor, true or false, will be amplified. but only you know how you guys are in the relationship. if she treats you well, and you guys are happy, who cares about what people think?

 

if you're afraid of what people may say, and i know it's a big thing with asians, but you want to be with her, make the best of it. if your friends and family see you happy, they'll be happy. if you tell them how happy she makes you and if you don't paint her in a negative light, then i'm sure they'll eventually see her that way too.

 

having said all that, you are still young. this is your first relationship, and probably will not be your last. if you really like her, then i think you should give her a fair chance and not judge her based on her past. she's been honest with you. if it doesn't work out one day, then at least you know you don't have anything to regret.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Okay.. thanks everyone for helping me out.. I never had anyone to talk to about this stuff, which is a reason why i signed up to this forum. Its true i am not obviously ready to get married.. i think im just all caught up in the whole daze cuz a lot of my friends are getting married. It is too young and i wasnt thinking about it for a looong time. i just wanna find someone to be with.. just like everyone else. it is my first girlfriend, and before herr I didnt even caree about girls that much... Ive lost my self and i wanna thank everyone for helping regain myself. im just gonna live life and live in the present like what dblock says. Cuz really i think the problem is just me being scared of the future, i wanted insurance. But i think i know what i have to do ....

 

I know this is your first girlfriend and that you feel she is special. It may work out it may not. Do not get all freaked out right now about the future... cause you can't predict it.

 

If she continues to be good to you, do not worry about what others may say. It's going to take alot of strength to ignore any bad talk.... but in my opinion being able to ignore the gossip is part of being a man.