Just wondering

[Ellin]

I agree. This is another reason why cheating is dangerous because it hurts everybody involved. You people see it every year about a BS killing his WW, her OM, and his kids, then committing suicide. Or you may hear about a BW poisioning the OW, then running over her WH with her pickup truck.

I'm totally against excusing such actions by the fact of being betrayed. Millions of people experience betrayal, but only the sick, evil, psychopatic ones commit murder for that reason. I find statemets such as "cheating is dangerous because it makes people kill" repulsive.

 

The only person responsible for a murder is the murderer.

[HappyAtLast]

While it is certainly true that the only person responsible for murdering someone is the murderer. Which, really, is the same concept that the only person responsible for the cheating is the cheater.

 

However, the reality of life is that you should not do anything for which you are not willing to pay either:

- the direct consequence of the act: "If I If I cheat on my spouse, they may divorce me"

OR

- the indirect consequence of the act: "If I cheat on my spouse, they may go off the deep end and harm me, my lover, my dog, etc.

While the choice to do physical harm lies solely with the betrayed spouse in the above example, I should have considered that could happen, prior to engaging in an affair.

 

Folks must always consider both the direct and indirect consequences of their choices in life, I believe.

[Bitterman24/7]

I'm totally against excusing such actions by the fact of being betrayed. Millions of people experience betrayal, but only the sick, evil, psychopatic ones commit murder for that reason. I find statemets such as "cheating is dangerous because it makes people kill" repulsive.

 

The only person responsible for a murder is the murderer.

 

I don't think I said that killing was right or justified, I just said that those who cheat should be willing to face the direct and indirect consequences. Killing one's spouse is understandable, but it is still wrong, and I get that. There could be other harsh consequences such as getting their children taken away, loss of friends/family, money, job, and most importantly, their spouse. I won't retract my original statement, because it is true. It still is another reason why cheating is dangerous. If you say killers are evil and sick, then I say cheaters are evil and sick. I find statements such as, "BSs don't understand affairs because they involve complex emotions" bullshiitt.

 

If the only person responsible for murder is the killer, then the only person responsible for cheating is the cheater.

[bentnotbroken]

While it is certainly true that the only person responsible for murdering someone is the murderer. Which, really, is the same concept that the only person responsible for the cheating is the cheater.

 

However, the reality of life is that you should not do anything for which you are not willing to pay either:

- the direct consequence of the act: "If I If I cheat on my spouse, they may divorce me"

OR

- the indirect consequence of the act: "If I cheat on my spouse, they may go off the deep end and harm me, my lover, my dog, etc.

While the choice to do physical harm lies solely with the betrayed spouse in the above example, I should have considered that could happen, prior to engaging in an affair.

 

Folks must always consider both the direct and indirect consequences of their choices in life, I believe.

 

 

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We should consider our actions. What we do is like the ripple of a pebble in water. The ripples spread out and affect others, be it good or bad.

[2sure]

I dont know about blaming OW. I mean 90%?

For myself and the other people I know who have been cheated on...when we are playing the blame game its always the husband's fault.

 

The OW gets trashed along the way, but its not because she caused the infidelity.

 

Maybe the difference in our experience is an age thing, I dunno, But really, while few BS ever get to like the OW...in conversations (in my support group) they are referred to almost as a result of or a symptom of H's infidelity.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I dont know about blaming OW. I mean 90%?

For myself and the other people I know who have been cheated on...when we are playing the blame game its always the husband's fault.

 

The OW gets trashed along the way, but its not because she caused the infidelity.

 

Maybe the difference in our experience is an age thing, I dunno, But really, while few BS ever get to like the OW...in conversations (in my support group) they are referred to almost as a result of or a symptom of H's infidelity.

 

 

I second that! I do not hold the OW accountable for my h's lack of character. Although we hate them for getting involved with OUR MM...the H is the one who gets the fault..as we trusted them to be faithful to us. I could care less about the OW at this point and don't dwell on her whatsoever!

[OWoman]

Truth is, if he ever left his wife you most likely wouldn't be interested in him anymore. You're hoping that you'll fail in winning him away from his wife. Just like you wished you failed in winning your father's love away from his wife (your Mother).

 

The childhood fault of winning the Father is most often the driving force of a woman's desire to be with the married man.

 

What a bizarre argument!

 

I certainly didn't lose interest in my H once he'd dumped his xW; OTC, we're happier than ever.

[gopher]

What a bizarre argument!

 

I certainly didn't lose interest in my H once he'd dumped his xW; OTC, we're happier than ever.

 

Are you saying that no OW's are in it for the rush of taking another woman's man? Perhaps that is part of the excitement for "some" women. To make a blanket statement either way is foolish. To put it another way...do you always think the OW is justified in her actions?

[Ellin]

While it is certainly true that the only person responsible for murdering someone is the murderer. Which, really, is the same concept that the only person responsible for the cheating is the cheater.

 

However, the reality of life is that you should not do anything for which you are not willing to pay either:

- the direct consequence of the act: "If I If I cheat on my spouse, they may divorce me"

OR

- the indirect consequence of the act: "If I cheat on my spouse, they may go off the deep end and harm me, my lover, my dog, etc.

While the choice to do physical harm lies solely with the betrayed spouse in the above example, I should have considered that could happen, prior to engaging in an affair.

 

Folks must always consider both the direct and indirect consequences of their choices in life, I believe.

Are you trying to say that it is right that someone should refrain from getting involved in an A because of fear of being killed or someone being killed? That's just one step short of saying that killing because of infidelity is ok.

[Ellin]

I don't think I said that killing was right or justified, I just said that those who cheat should be willing to face the direct and indirect consequences. Killing one's spouse is understandable, but it is still wrong, and I get that. There could be other harsh consequences such as getting their children taken away, loss of friends/family, money, job, and most importantly, their spouse. I won't retract my original statement, because it is true. It still is another reason why cheating is dangerous. If you say killers are evil and sick, then I say cheaters are evil and sick. I find statements such as, "BSs don't understand affairs because they involve complex emotions" bullshiitt.

 

If the only person responsible for murder is the killer, then the only person responsible for cheating is the cheater.

OMG!! What an outrageous thing to say, I can't even comment on that.

:eek:

[HappyAtLast]

Are you trying to say that it is right that someone should refrain from getting involved in an A because of fear of being killed or someone being killed? That's just one step short of saying that killing because of infidelity is ok.

 

What? Is this really how you read my post? Goodness.

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone!

I have been dating a MM for a couple of months.

And the other day having a chat with some friends (some married, some single) we found that in most cases when a W discovers the affair they blame almost in a 90% the OW.

 

For a little while it's probably easier for her to blame the OW.. But that does change and anger certainly gets directed at her husband.

 

Same can be said about OW blaming the BS when MM chooses to go back home after D-Day. It's easier for whomever has been hurt to direct their pain and anger at the 3rd party. An OW will blame the BW - She's forcing him to go back home, he's only going back for the kids, not her. Etc..etc..

 

Think it's partially human nature and emotions, not rational thinking for a little while, but once the dust settles, usually the anger/pain IS directed at the right person.

 

With that said, an OW or OM isn't innocent and they should receive some of the blame since they knew from the start it's wrong to get involved with a MP. To knowingly help someone cheat on their spouse and betray their family unit isn't something one should be proud of.

[Bitterman24/7]

OMG!! What an outrageous thing to say, I can't even comment on that.

:eek:

 

Good, then don't, because that wasn't the only thing I said, and you're twisting my words out of context.

[You Go Girl]

This question seems to me to be an I.Q. test.

Who would be of such a low I.Q. that they would blame the OM or OW for their spouse's actions?

Does that alleviate the OM or OW of guilt? Was that the purpose of the thread?

Because the guilt for taking part in an illicit relationship should come from within, not from an outside source.

[pureinheart]

Read the hundreds of posts by BS in this site. I think you will find a pattern where the BW primarily blames the OW for the entire A. Tell me

the last post where a BH wanted revenge against the OM? They are few and far between.

 

It well known that a BW is more willing to accept her Cheating Husband

back after an affair, and part of this process is to place a majority of the blame at the feet of the OW, which is wrong. The betrayal was by HER

husband who legally, morallly and supposedly committed to M.

I hardly ever see a post here where a BH thinks the OM was

responsible for the A.

 

Not saying it's right or wrong, but it is what it is.

 

So true....I have more experience being a BS and I never wanted to talk to their OW, nothing...they had NOTHING to do with my M. I also left all of them after finding they were with others...

 

I know this is the opposite of gender, although I totally agree with you...the AP was not my problem...

[pureinheart]

I don't think I said that killing was right or justified, I just said that those who cheat should be willing to face the direct and indirect consequences. Killing one's spouse is understandable, but it is still wrong, and I get that. There could be other harsh consequences such as getting their children taken away, loss of friends/family, money, job, and most importantly, their spouse. I won't retract my original statement, because it is true. It still is another reason why cheating is dangerous. If you say killers are evil and sick, then I say cheaters are evil and sick. I find statements such as, "BSs don't understand affairs because they involve complex emotions" bullshiitt.

 

If the only person responsible for murder is the killer, then the only person responsible for cheating is the cheater.

 

Killing is "understandable", but cheaters are evil and sick:confused:...ok, gotcha...actually the S depicted in this post would not be much of a loss IMO, and could be why the S found another.

[Gfkr2]

as a BW, I place the blame on my WH. My anger and pain is all on him.

 

BUT

 

My disgust lies with women who know a man is married and yet continue the conversation/relationship with that man. What kind of woman/person does that? Why would anyone in their right mind want to have a relationship with a married man? Don't they realize its a fake relationship, that MM is a liar and a cheater, and if he did it to his BW, he will do it to OW? As long as he is married, he will never come home to OW at the end of the day, he goes home to his BW and lives and shares his life with another person (the person he SWORE to be with until death).If he can lie and hurt someone that he vowed to be with, why does the OW think he can give her anything different?

 

I am so sick of these OW thinking they are entitled to something or have a

reason to complain. Those who knowingly got into an extramarital relationship don't have any room to whine or complain about MM going home to his wife,

or not chosing her, or the pure disgust the BW feels for both the WH and the OW.

 

So no, the blame is on the cheating spouse, but the lack of integrity, honor,

and moral value of human life is just disgusting.

 

Because the cheating WS promises his AP the world. Sad to say it but the OW gets the best part of the MM all the passion, excitement and fun without needing to worry about kids, finances or the inlaws (grinning).

 

I still place 90% of the blame for an A on the WS. They are the ones who took a vow to remain faithful on that once happy day long ago. The WS is the one who told countless lies to protect their secret life.

[pureinheart]

Truth is, if he ever left his wife you most likely wouldn't be interested in him anymore. You're hoping that you'll fail in winning him away from his wife. Just like you wished you failed in winning your Father's love away from his wife (your Mother).

 

The childhood fault of winning the Father is most often the driving force of a woman's desire to be with the married man.

 

OT, I realise this is directed at one person in particular, although I do have to comment.

 

Generally this is not the rule, in most cases it's never about "competion". As strange as it may seem, it can be about love.

 

There can be many reasons why M's don't work.

 

I see with friends and on these boards, "it's this ones fault, it's that ones fault"...well maybe it isn't either parties fault...maybe it just is.

[Gfkr2]

OT, I realise this is directed at one person in particular, although I do have to comment.

 

Generally this is not the rule, in most cases it's never about "competion". As strange as it may seem, it can be about love.

 

There can be many reasons why M's don't work.

 

I see with friends and on these boards, "it's this ones fault, it's that ones fault"...well maybe it isn't either parties fault...maybe it just is.

 

Many States have no fault divorce, so in the eye of the law your comment is correct. However, when an A is the cause for a marriage failure one party is ALWAYS more at fault.

[pureinheart]

Many States have no fault divorce, so in the eye of the law your comment is correct. However, when an A is the cause for a marriage failure one party is ALWAYS more at fault.

 

We will have to agree to disagree;)

[Gfkr2]

We will have to agree to disagree;)

 

So, an alcoholic W who runs off to find a MM to serve in the role of an enabler for her drinking problem and has a "euphoric" A with him is no more at fault than the BH?

[Ellin]

So, an alcoholic W who runs off to find a MM to serve in the role of an enabler for her drinking problem and has a "euphoric" A with him is no more at fault than the BH?

It's hard to dish out blame, as alcoholics apparently are sick and apart from that a person who's in a long-term R with an alcoholic is most likely enabler him/herself.

 

But what would you say about an abused W, worn out by her alcoholic H, who finds love outside of her marriage (or "marriage") - is she the only one "at fault" in your opinion?

[Gfkr2]

It's hard to dish out blame, as alcoholics apparently are sick and apart from that a person who's in a long-term R with an alcoholic is most likely enabler him/herself.

 

But what would you say about an abused W, worn out by her alcoholic H, who finds love outside of her marriage (or "marriage") - is she the only one "at fault" in your opinion?

 

My point was not to be gender specific. I would not blame her in that miserable situation for finding an OM.

[Ellin]

OT, I realise this is directed at one person in particular, although I do have to comment.

 

Generally this is not the rule, in most cases it's never about "competion". As strange as it may seem, it can be about love.

 

There can be many reasons why M's don't work.

 

I see with friends and on these boards, "it's this ones fault, it's that ones fault"...well maybe it isn't either parties fault...maybe it just is.

Many people have a kind of compulsion to assign blame somewhere. They cannot relax until it's done in a conflict situation. They don't feel comfortable with concluding that something is nobody's fault - just a bunch of humans trying to get through life coping however they can..

 

I think this type of thinking is partly present in all of us, the legacy of our upbringing. And feeling angry is a natural response to being hurt or wronged, which brings on fantasies of revenge.

[Distant78]

It's hard to dish out blame, as alcoholics apparently are sick and apart from that a person who's in a long-term R with an alcoholic is most likely enabler him/herself.

 

But what would you say about an abused W, worn out by her alcoholic H, who finds love outside of her marriage (or "marriage") - is she the only one "at fault" in your opinion?

 

Of course she isn't the only one at fault for her marriage, but it is still cheating and it will only make the situation worse. If she knows that her husband is abusive, then why do something that will only make him angrier/crazier? Besides, if she's getting abused, there are hotlines and protective services out there that will help, along with her family members. She should've left him, divorced him, get help to heal the emotional/physical trauma, then find someone else. Running into another man's arms while desperate will only make that guy leave you hanging high and dry, or will also end up abusing her in the process.